Petra snorted, "Which you'd never do anyway so we don't have to worry about that eventuality," she shook her head a little, half amused by the comment and half saddened - not because John wouldn't invite her for a threesome because as much as she liked him, she didn't like him like that and she didn't know Jean and that was just- a little strange. But more because she knew beyond anything that she wouldn't have anything like that in her life, anyone like that, in her life. Later, she was sure, it would become a jealousy, but for now it was a sadness, a gaping sadness/
"But I appreciate it. I might take you up on it occasionally." She lifted her eyes from her cup to look at him and tried for a half smile, watching his face before he frowned and she wondered what he was thinking about. He'd told her to relax but she couldn't. Despite what he'd said at the beginning, he was still here, being nice, making an effort.
She wet her lower lip, took another sip of her drink and felt the taste crawl down her throat. She definitely liked it better when she knocked it back. "Yeah- I made it." Sometimes she still wished she hadn't, but she had been told that was only natural. That she had to force herself out of bed on those days when she just wanted the world to disappear. Had to get up and go on. She knocked her cup against his and lifted her own in a half salute before she knocked back what little was left of her tequila, feeling it hit her stomach and with a little swimming of her head, she'd drunk it.
"Here's to being young and stupid," she agreed, "I- but I am sorry. For upsetting you- or whatever- I mean- I- I guess I feel inconsequential. Does that make sense? I still do to a large extent but I'm trying. I just- before when I-" she wet her lower lip, didn't look at John this time, she just stared at her knees, "-when I- you know- I felt so much so that it didn't even register that I might be missed, you know? Like- that someone might worry- let alone more than one someone." She sighed, "I have a hard time believing it still, even with the facts in front of me. And it's stupid." I'm stupid. "And I get that. So- I know better than to just let that feeling win. Hard as it is sometimes."
She thought she was doing remarkably well, since it hadn't even been a full month since her attempt.