Celie Marianne Beaubier; Noir (behindtheblack) wrote in mutanthigh, @ 2009-02-24 19:22:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | blindfold |
Knowing can be the worst thing in the world.
Who: Blindfold
When: After talking to Jean
Where: Her new room
What: Finally actually going to bed and going to sleep.
It would have been nice to be able to actually cry on Jean's shoulder and somehow work through the fact that woman who was the first voice she'd heard after her parents' accident was dead. It would have been nice. Jean seemed like the kind of woman who could accept that kind of thing. Except that Blindfold simply wasn't the kind of girl to behave that way. She really didn't cry. She very rarely if ever felt the need. The numbness that came from knowing had a bad habit of stilling emotions to the point where it often seemed she didn't have any at all.
Maybe that was the truly horrible part. The fact that knowing made it impossible for her to be surprised or even to react like a normal person in the case of even grieving. She had known her Mother was going to die as she knelt on the floor shaking her awake. The horrible thing was kissing her and knowing it was going to be the last time.
Knowing.
"God, 'e don' give no more den da 'eart can bear," Madelyne used to say that all the time when she calmed others. Hugs and kisses followed that phrase. Blindfold could not remember her mother ever saying that to her, probably because the girl knew about that too. She knew that God for all his power, played with loaded dice and did what he pleased with everyone. There was no rhyme or reason to it. No divine plan. No comforting anything behind it all. Except in her case, she didn't even get to have the normal human uncertainty.
Suicide came to mind and left just as quickly. Her future had already partially happened in her head. That meant even if she attempted it, someone would come along and save her. What good would it do? That did not stop her from rapidly slamming her forehead into the desk anyway. A bright new spot of pain to compete with her headache that absolutely refused to go away.
"Dis be a school for da not normal," she murmured to herself. "An' w'at ah be but more not normal den most." The proper phrase was a freak among freaks, but that was just her personal feeling. No one had to agree with her. It wasn't exactly as if she put it up for debate. Moving from the desk, she laid out on the bed and put her head on the pillow.
The last couple of days had been absolutely exhausting and this was the first decent chance she was getting for sleep. Two minutes later, she was fast asleep.