Fic: The Power Of Good Buy 8/8 Due South
The Power of Good Buy
Lopaka Tanu
Warning: This is a no drinking or eating zone.
Disclaimer: I do not own Due South.
Why the hell am I doing this: Penance for mine own sins and s words.
Series/Sequel: Sequel to Mountie Lingerie or Edible Cockrings.
Summary: If Television is a bad influence, commercials are down right criminal.
________________________________________________________ Ray couldn't believe it, their first official date in his apartment since last weeks donut attack in the men's room. Fraser had asked him out, but he figured a meal at home would be best for their first date. They had been doing each other at every free moment since then and the Mountie figured they might as well try this as well. He figured it might be worth a shot.
So here he sat watching the tube while Benton was in the kitchen. Fraser had brought the ingredients for pasta and meat sauce Ma had taught him to cook. This is what he had been waiting for all week. That is until today when they had got a new case. A woman in an advertising firm had been using subliminal messages to sale the products, not only was it very effective, it was also illegal. Now all he could think about was what messages might be out there telling people to subconsciously to buy their products or do other things.
"So Frase, what do ya think about this subletting messages thing?" Ray called out as he flipped through the channels.
"Well Ray, I think..." Fraser looked up from the tomato in his hands with a puzzled look on his face. "Would you mind repeating that, Ray?"
"What do you think of this subletting messages thing?"
Fraser smiled. "I believe it is Subliminal Messages, and I think they only work on those that are easily influenced. Facts prove it."
"Ah."
"Indeed."
Ray went back to flipping the channels after waiting to see what was on each one. After a few minutes he started to drift off as he continued.
"Look at that... ...body. Don't you... just want to sink your... caulk in it. ...This is most amazing... ...he looks like a... ...sex god!"
His eyes popped open as he stopped flipping the channels. Staring at the television, he checked the program. A picture of an idol with a large penis and wide hips was featured in larger than life quality. Shaking his head, he started surfing again.
"Tastes salty... ...and has a distinct scent... ...usually comes from... ...over stimulation."
Ray stared at the remote, willing it to do something. "Fraser, I think this television is gettin a little dirty."
A patient sigh came from the kitchen. "Well perhaps if you cleaned it regularly..."
"That aint what I meant. It's... never mind." Shaking his head, he went back to flipping channels.
"He stormed in... ...the living room... ...and took me... ...over the back of the couch."
Clearing his throat, Ray tugged on the neck of his tee-shirt.
"Like a wild animal... ...he thrust in his... ...mighty spear, and cried out... ...his release."
Untucking his shirt, he grunted. "Uh, Frase?"
"Yes, Ray?"
"How is dinner coming along?"
"It isn't as long as you keep interrupting me."
"Jus' checkin." Was it his imagination, or was the television talking filthy? And when did it get so hot?
Flipping again. "Look at him you... ...hyperactive blonde... ...cop. Admit it... ...you want to see... ...Fraser in the heat... ...of passion, again."
Ray nodded.
"Good, now take your... ...stubborn ass over there... ...and help with dinner. This... is your place... ...isn't it?"
"Then what do I do?"
"There are a number of... ...things to do that... ...have sexual interpretations."
He was catching on. "Such as?"
"A banana is great for... ...its phallic representation... ...and tends not to be misleading... ...by its size! ...This abates confusion... ...when he is expecting... ...a mighty oak... ...but finds instead... ...a limp noodle. When... ...peeling, always remember to... ...act like you are... ...unaware of the possible... ...interpretation of what you are doing. ...Here is an easy... demo of what... ...I meant." The next channel showed a woman sticking a banana in her mouth slowly, as she nibbled the tip. "Remember... ...small bites,... ...you wouldn't want... ...Jaws going down... ...on you, would you?" The next channel showed a shark's mouth closing in on the camera, followed by the next to show a man screaming.
Ray winced. "Got it, what else?"
"There are many foods... ...that are considered... ...aphrodisiacs. One such is... Tomatoes, another is... ...Garlic. When combined... ...sexual intercourse is sure to follow. ...The act of eating... ...is not the cause of... ...sex, it merely... ...enhances the experience. ...So what are you... ...waiting for, get to it!"
"Greatness, I got a yenta television."
A Queens accent came on the next channel. "Oy, kids these days."
Laughing, he pushed what he thought was the off button on the remote, and headed to the kitchen. On the remote, the channel up key was locked in place.
"The mating of the wild... ...Stanley Kowalski... ...can be heard for miles. ...The rare northern white... ...Fraser is known for... ...his courtship techniques involving... ...a flexible tongue."
Later that night....
"The after... ...glow wears off... ...during sleep, however,... ...a cop's work is never done."
The wee hours of the morning....
Walking in the living room naked, Ray heads towards the TV as it plays hail to the chief. "Time for you to go off."
A woman with crossed arms appeared on the screen. "I don't think so."
"Some people just don't know when ta shuddup." Ray muttered as he bent down for the remote.
"Why I never..."
"Obviously, good night!" He pressed the button.
"Spoiled, ungrateful, little shi..." Blank screen.
Brought to you by: The 'S' word, its everywhere you don't want it to be, and a sick mind, now typing on a screen near you.