Agent Fox Mulder (i_want_2) wrote in multi_fiction, @ 2008-08-28 20:17:00 |
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Entry tags: | due south, rated: teen, slash |
Fic: It's Always The Quiet Ones 1/8 Due South
2002 - First in a crack series.
Title: It's Always the Quiet Ones
Author: Lopaka Tanu
Fandom: Due South.
Disclaimer: I do not own Due South
Warning: Language
Summary: Ray Vecchio finds out his friend Benny isn't who he thought he was.
Rating: Teen
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"It's the quiet ones ya gotta watch. You know that one eh? Every time you see a story about a serial killer on TV, What do they do, they bring on the neighbor. And the neighbor says, "well he was always very quiet." Someone in the room says, "It's the quiet ones ya gotta watch." This sounds to me like a very dangerous assumption. I will bet you any thing while you are watching a quiet one, a noisy one will fu**ing kill you. Suppose you're sitting in a bar, one guy is sitting over to the side, reading a book, not bothering anybody. Another guy standing at the front with a machete banging on the bar saying, "I'll kill the next mother fu**er that comes in here." Who ya gonna watch?" George Carlin, Back In Town.
Ya think ya know a guy. I mean here I thought my friend Benny was a little weird, what do you expect, he's Canadian, but this is beyond weird. Who would have thought? No, it's not his fault, it's that dumb Pollack, Stanley Kowalski's fault. Stupid bastard, I hope he is happy, he corrupted an innocent and sweet Mountie.
I was his partner for two years. In that time you get to know a guy. Benny would never do this on his own. It had to have been peer pressure. Yeah, he looks up to Stanley, figuratively speaking of course. That ignorant blond prick, he is to blame for all of this. Poor Benny was just looking for acceptance.
Still can't believe it actually happened. What was he thinking, it's the middle of January for Pete's sake. Poor guy was so red after he did it, too. He would have matched his uniform, if he had been wearing it at the time like a good little Mountie. Nah, he had to play hooky today.
Oh look they are bringing in the other one, good it means they caught Stanley. He is shaking like a leaf in a storm. What do you expect, for what you did. Sitting down, he is wrapped from head to toe in blankets. Can't even see the blond spikes.
Fraser has noticed him and is starting to blush. Well you should be ashamed Benny, letting a guy like that talk you in to... this! How could you Benny? No it's not his fault, it's all Kowalski's fault. In fact I think I will go have a word with the little nudist right now.
"Stanley Raymond Kowalski, what do you think you were doing talking Benny in to doing that in public. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You are a bad influence on the Mountie population, and I hope Welsh takes your badge."
"What are you saying fashion victim number one?" I turn around and there is Blondie now, feeding half his donut to Dief. If it's not him, then who has corrupted my Mountie? "Good God Frase! What were you thinkin'?" So the blond has noticed Fraser sitting in a blanket at my desk.
"This is all your fault, Stanley. What have you been telling him?"
"My fault, I didn't think so. Unlike you, I know what not to say to him."
"Unlike me?"
"Yeah you."
"Me! Me! Me!"
"Echo much?"
Okay, so now I am a little more upset than I was earlier. As I lunge for Stanley, Benny grabs me and pulls me back to my desk. So now the entire department now has a view of my Mountie's backside. I glare at Kowalski and freeze.
I don't believe it, he didn't just corrupt my Mountie, he's done the entire Canadian Consulate. As I look over his shoulder, the Ice Queen is being led in by a female officer wrapped in a blanket. I turn back to Kowalski and see he is being restrained on the lap of the other... Nudist. I can't believe Turnbull would ever be involved in this madness. What is it, Crazy Canadian day? If one more Mountie is brought in here in the buff, I am going to shoot them all.
Turning in Benny's lap, I narrow my eyes. "Explain, now!"
"Well you see Ray." He looks away rubbing his eyebrow. "Oh dear, how to explain this?"
"You What!?!" I look up sharply to see Stanley running at the Ice Queen and being restrained by Turnbull. "When I get my hands on you, you will wish you had never been born you bit..." The rest was garbled as Renfield's hand closed over his mouth. He is whispering something in to Stanley's ear.
"Oh dear, it appears Ray has gone in to a state of epileptic shock." I turn to Benny again and give him a stern look as Stanley's laughter fills the station.
"What is going on here?"
He starts to squirm as I look at him. "I'm afraid it's my fault, Ray. You see I got this video in the mail. They mixed up my order, I would never willing own something like that. Inspector Thatcher saw it sitting on my desk and wanted to see what it was about. As we placed it in the VCR, Constable Turnbull came in. Before any of us knew what was going on it started to play. I guess they didn't rewind the tape because..."
"He comes, bogie da bogie da, they go, bogie da bogie da, and he aint wearin' no clothes." Stanley is laughing so hard, tears are running down his face as he sings. "Oh yes they call him the streak, bogie da bogie da, fastest thing on two feet."
"Ray Stevens, Benny!"
"Inspector Thatcher thought it..."
"I'll kill her myself!"
"Ray!"
"He's just as proud of his as he can be, of his anatomy. And he's gonna give us a peek, bogie da bogie da, oh yes they call him the Streak, bogie da bogie da, he likes to show off his physic, bogie da bogie da, if there's an audience to be found, he'll be streakin around, inviten' public critique..."
THE END!!!!
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Lyrics sung by Ray K. are from Ray Stevens' song, "The Streak."