Fic: The Three Pigs. 1/1 Due South
The Three Pigs. By: Lopaka Tanu Fandom: Due South Characters: Rayk, Fraser, Turnbull. Disclaimer: I do not own Due South. Warning: Crack Fic. Summary: Ray tells Turnbull a bed time story. Author's Note: Old fic from '05. _______________________________________________________
"Detective Kowalski, tell me a bed time story," Turnbull turned on his side to face the blonde detective. Drawing the blankets up to his chin, he smiled hopefully. "Please?"
Ray looked at the Mountie and sighed. Closing his eyes, he silently cursed the actions of his fellow cops that had brought him to be spending the night in the Canadian Consulate. "Go to sleep, Turnbull."
"But I can not sleep, detective, I have tried already."
"Ray, perhaps it would be best to indulge him..."
"C'mon, Frase!" He turned his head to the right to glare at his partner. "You can't expect me to tell him a story. It's something ya do only for children."
Fraser rubbed at his eyebrow. "Now, Ray, that is not necessarily true. Many people find it helpful to relax if they have a slow and steady voice to sooth them into... Ray?" A light snoring broke him from his lecture, making him look at his partner. "Really, Ray!"
Ray jumped when Fraser's pillow smacked him in the stomach. "What?"
"You falling asleep during my lecture was not only inconsiderate to me, but mocked Constable Turnbull's insomnia. I suggest, if you wish to remain with us here, you respect our persons and apologize for your actions." He blinked at the stunned Ray. Sighing, he lowered his head. "Your sleeping while we are awake was very bad. Say you are sorry to Constable Turnbull and myself."
"Fine! I'm sorry you are such a big baby and can't get any sleep."
"Ray, why must you be so belligerent."
"I wasn't belly grant, whatever that means." Sticking his tongue out at Fraser, he turned over to face Turnbull and pulled the blankets over his head.
"Belligerent, Ray, and not only that, you... you..." Fraser thought it over, nodding that he felt it was appropriate to play dirty. "Not only were you rude and belligerent, you also snore."
Ray froze in his curling up motions. Jerking the covers from over his head, he sat up and faced Fraser. "What?"
"You snore, Ray."
"I do not..."
"He is correct, Detective." Turnbull paled and shrank back when the irate Ray glared at him.
"I. Do. Not. Snore."
Smiling inwardly, Fraser sighed on the outside. "Yes, you do, Ray."
"Fine! I'll tell the damn story. Then not another word out of either of you, got it!"
"Yes, Ray."
"Yes, Detective Kowalski."
"Greatness. Now lay down and shut up." Sitting completely upright, Ray brought his legs close to sit Indian style. "Once upon a time, there lived three pigs; Vecchio, Huey, and Dewey. These were three mean and bad little pigs. Pigs with badges that thought they could chase the nice, blond Ray around the city claiming he did something he didn't. No, these pigs weren't very nice at all."
"Ray."
"Shush!"
"Sorry, Ray."
"Now where was I?" Ray placed a hand under his chin to rest upon his knee. "Oh yeah. These pigs were bad. Now they weren't very smart either. They had heard their was a great ice breathing dragon-wolf from the north come to settle in their city and run herd on all the big, red ridinghoods, also from the north. She liked to be called an old bit..."
"Ray!"
"Bitter Queen! Stay out of my story, Frase!"
Fraser closed his eyes and counted to ten in Inuit.
"She liked to be called an old Bitter Queen, or just Bitter Queen for short. Now they feared with her herd of super red ridinghoods she could take over their city of Chicago by the lake they call Michigan. So they decided to turn the city into a big police state where no one had any rights. Now they needed a place from which to rule, a place big enough to house their egos. They decided to each build their very own station house.
"Dewey was the first to build a station house, he choose cardboard boxes to make it with. He stacked them up high and used duct tape to hold them together. From there cracked bad jokes that no body would ever laugh at, not even the little minions that frequented his station house/boring comedy club. He sent out the little minions to attack the Bitter Queen in her fortress of Canadian Consulate Solitude.
"Second was the Pig Huey, he was a little smarter than Dewey, but not by much. He built his large station house with wood. Building it high into the sky, ever growing, never quite satisfied with how it looked. So he painted it purple and said it was enough. He too sent out all his little minions, probably all his children because he sews his seed far and wide, but feigns ignorance when it comes time to reap." Ray raised his hands to gesture at different heights. "Lots and lots of little minions, all named Huey Junior."
Fraser bit his hand, he would not yell at Ray, he would not!
"Now came the biggest, fattest, smelliest, worst dressed pig of them all. Pig Vecchio. He was not smarter than the other two, just had more money to burn. He hired a contractor, a friend of his from the mob, to build him an impenetrable Station house made of bricks. But his friend from the mob had many gambling debts and decided to use most of the money to pay them off and used half rate materials and shotty labor to get it finished in three times the length of time agreed upon on contract. But Pig Vecchio had his Station House.
"The Bitter Queen in all her self righteousness had sent out all her big, red ridinghoods to do menial tasks like fetch her dry cleaning or stand like a stuffed pigeon on her door step and had no one to answer her calls of help."
"What about Pig Vecchio's minions?" Turnbull ignored the glare Fraser sent his way.
"What?" Ray glanced at him, lowering his arms from the exaggerated movements he had been making. "Oh yeah, Pig Vecchio sent out his minions too, all of them as equally foul smelling, bad dressed, stupid and bald as Vecchio himself."
"Now back to the old Bitter Queen. She growled to herself 'where are all the big, red ridinghoods, you can never find one when you need one. Incompetence, I must do it all myself!' So she looked at the minions and her gaze was so scary, they froze in terror. She demanded of them who had sent them. They told her the big pig from his station house on high. Growling, her breath froze them all and they shattered in a thousand pieces.
"The big mean queen looked out upon the city named Chicago by the lake they call Michigan and saw three station houses on high. She again growled in anger for not getting the specifics while the minions were alive. Deciding that one at a time was the best course of action, she visited the closest. Knocking on the box house, she growled again.
"Dewey, in his box club station house on high looked down upon the Bitter Queen. 'Who is knocking upon my Station House,' he called?
"'It is I, the Bitter Queen, now open up and let me in.'"
"'Not by the hair of my chiny chin chin chin chin chin,' he called back. You see he was large and had many chins. Also, he was very stupid, because who opens the door with the hair on their chin?
"'Fine,' said the Bitter Queen. 'Then I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll blow your Station house down!' So she pulled in a deep breath, sucking in air from all over the city. She had a great lung capacity, as you will come to understand. When she had sucked in so much air that her breasts stuck out like six swelled ticks, she promptly closed her mouth, turned around and lifted her tail."
"Ray, don't," Fraser warned.
"Squeezing her cheeks very close together, she released all the air and blew the station house down."
Turnbull stared at Ray with wide eyes while Fraser buried his face in his pillow. His shoulder shaking, Fraser's skin took on a brilliant red coloring that matched his uniform.
Ray, oblivious to both of them, continued on. "In the rubble of the frozen boxes laid the now DOA'ed Pig, Dewey. Deciding not to pass up a good meal, she turned his frozen carcass into flanks and had a courier bring them back to her Canadian Consulate of Solitude. Next, she continued on her journey to the second Station House, grumbling because she didn't get to ask which of the pigs had sent the minions.
"Pig Huey sat in his wood Station House on high and looked down upon the approaching Bitter Queen with fear. She had survived his minions and was coming this way. He had seen the fall of Dewey and thought it was only because he had used Duct Tape. Now he knew better. The knock on his door scared him so bad that he squealed long and loud.
"'I know you're in there, Pig Huey, come out now,' the bitter queen called.
"'Not by the hair of my chiny chin chin chin chin chin chin,' he called back for he too was stupid and had many chins.
"'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your station house down.'
"'I'd like to see you try,' he taunted.
"Very well, Yank,' she called back. Opening her mouth she sucked in air from all across Chicago until all six of her tits stuck out like swollen ticks."
"Ray, please, not again."
But Ray ignored Fraser's words so intent was he upon his tale. "Then she closed her mouth, turned around, squeezed her cheeks together and blew Huey's station house down from on high. Far and wide frozen splinters scattered across the city. They shot through the air so fast they defrosted and caught fire. Soon much of the city was ablaze in what would be called the great Chicago fire. It was in this blaze that Pig Huey was spitted over and cooked, slowly turning a golden brown as he rotated."
"This story is making me hungry, Detective Kowalski."
Ray looked over at Turnbull and smirked. "Me too, let's go raid the kitchen in this place. When we come back I'll finish the story." Climbing out of his bedding, Ray stood and followed Turnbull from the room.
Fraser paid neither of them any mind as he was back into his pillow, turning red and shaking hard.
Ray and Turnbull returned to the room with their mouth's full and stomachs satisfied. Ray promptly plopped down in his bedding and covered up again while Turnbull gracefully sat then laid down.
Smiling at the air, Ray gazed off into his own world. "Now back to the story. The Bitter Queen was angered because she had yet again killed a Pig but had not got the name of the one who sent the minions. There was only one last place that knew the answer to this question. So she went to pay a visit to the Brick Shit House, Stella, former wife of the Great and sexy Blond Ray, now the rutting mate of the Pig Vecchio.
"'Where can I find your rutting mate, Brick Shit House Stella,' The Bitter Queen asked?
"'He has gone to his Brick Station House on High. If I had stayed married to the great and sexy Ray, I would never be so alone. Oh woe is me,' she laid down her head and cried.
"'Yeah, yeah, save your sermons and regrets for Oprah, sister,' called the nattering, black crow Frannie. She had once been white but she laid eyes on the big, red ridinghood Fraser, so the great and sexy Ray scorched her feathers with his cunning whit in a warning of what happens to those who don't keep their damn mitts off his Mounties.... I mean big, red ridinghoods." Ray cleared his throat before continuing on.
Fraser glared at his partner, his look clearly stating they would talk on this later.
"So, the bitter queen ambled her bulk through the city towards the Brick Station House on high. Upon reaching her destination, she knocked on the door. 'Fat, smelly, ugly, ignorant pig Vecchio, let me in,' she called.
"'Not by the hair of my too numerous to count chins,' called back Vecchio.
"'Then I will huff and puff and blow your station house down,' she replied. Opening her mouth, she sucked in winds from all across Chicago. When her lungs had expanded so much that her tits looked like swollen ticks, she closed her mouth, turned around, squeezed her cheeks and broke wind. The Gail force winds ripped though the city only causing the station house to slightly sway.
"'What the hell,' called the bitter queen upon seeing no damage done to the station house, but the fires had all been put out.
"'You are not smart, but I am real slick. You see, fair tart, I paid for this house of brick,' the pig Vecchio rhymed at her.
"'Think you are swell, stupid smelly little pig. I'll see you in hell, for I too am big,' she replied. Opening her mouth, she sucked in air from not only Chicago, but the lake they call Michigan, the state of Illinois, and all the surrounding areas. So much air that many people blacked out from lack of oxygen. So much air she swelled to mammoth size, bigger than even a Mac truck. Bigger still she grew, until her chest it blew. Pig Vecchio then had the last laugh as he watched her body wither flat.
"The winds from her explosion rocked his station house, causing mortar to rumble and his station house to crumble. Down, down he fell, from his station house on high. Down, down he fell to land on his eye. So fast did he fall, no one could catch him no one at all. He laid there dead, next to the bitter queen, she too sleeping the final dream. Now all the denizens of Chicago came out to cheer, letting the whole world hear. The reign of the evil ones was over. The big, red ridinghoods elected Fraser to be their new leader and the great and sexy Kowalski his partner. Little Turnbull was given a new red ridinghood and all lived happily ever after. The End." Ray laid back with a smile on his face.
Turnbull stared at Ray with wide eyes and smiled. "That was a good story, Detective Kowalski, thank you."
"Thank you and you're welcome, Turnbull." Ray looked over at Fraser. "So, what did you think, Frase? Frase? Fraser!"
Fraser was shaking so hard he fell off the bed and on to the floor.
Leaning up on his elbow, Ray looked over the edge of the bed, Turnbull behind him. "It wasn't that bad, Mountie!"
Turnbull placed a hand on Ray's hip. "I liked your story, Detective Kowalski."
"Ya hear that, Frase? Turnbull liked my story! If you are going to continue being a spoiled sport, you can sleep on the floor." With that, he tossed off Fraser's pillow and extra covers onto the floor from their shared bed. "Good night!"
Mean while, dief sniffed at the two humans laying spooned on the Queen's bed. Stupid humans did it more than he ever dreamed of. At least they could do was wait for his pet. Deciding he wasn't waiting anymore, he stuck his nose to his shaking pet's rear to get him going.
Fraser shot off the floor grabbing his ass.
Ray blinked at Fraser. "What's with him?"
Turnbull also blinked. "May be he wants to be the Bitter Queen."
"Frase, if yer gonna do that, go use the bathroom down stairs. You had chili tonight, fer pete's sake!" Ray paled when Fraser looked at him, red faced and glowering. "Frase?"
"Constable Fraser?"
"Frase, point that thing somewhere else!"
"Oh my, sir."
"Frase!"
Nothing, then yelps.
None of them saw the frosted breath coming from the cracked door way, or black feathered crow on the window sill. Bitter Queen indeed!