Fic: Lost In The Translation of Bilingual Aliens 1/1 Earth: Final Conflict
Two parts crack, one part shit, combined to make something that certainly sticks out.
Title:Lost in the Translation or Bilingual Aliens. By: Lopaka Tanu Fandom: Earth: Final Conflict Rated: R for Language and H for my favorite Taelon, Hu'mor. Warning: Crack, Bad Fic, Uses of Bad fic techniques for crude humor. Disclaimer: I do not own Earth: Final Conflict. Summary: Zo'or, butchered by me, E:FC, butchered by request. Author's note: Have you ever wondered what somebody was saying to you in a language you don't understand?
_________________________________________________________ Zo'or stood on the bridge of the mother ship, feeling more than a little smug with himself. His sardonic grin made the Volunteer's nervous as he eyed them with evil amusement. If a Taelon could laugh, Zo'or would be rolling on the floor. His new plan to get at humanity was simply to drive them insane. In his studies he learned that humans, in there ever present need to appear superior and intelligent, never acknowledged when they did not understand what you were saying.
Upon seeing Agent Sandoval, he decided to put his theory into action. "Ah, Agent Sandoval. Just the person I wished to see."
"How may I be of help to you, Zo'or?" The Agent asked, silently groaning at yet another task to be completed by this evil dictator who wanted to take over the world. His lips twitched as he imagined Zo'or putting his pinky to his lip and demanding one million dollars, then laughing maniacally.
"Agent Sandoval, are you listening to me?"
"Yes Dr. Evil... I mean Zo'or." Sandoval coughed and jerked on his tie with sudden embarrassment. "You were saying?"
Zo'or eyed the implanted wearily. He decided it was time for his implant's--what was that human word? Oh yes, tune up. He had heard from one of those human mini-movies that they showed in between the longer series that all things mechanical needed a tune up after every sixty thousand miles. From his calculations, it was way past time for the Agent's scheduled maintenance.
From the look the agent was giving him he decided to have the human's brakes checked as well. Another human expression to check under his hood. See if his valves were leaky, or if he needed his oil changed. Yes, definitely time for all of that.
"As I was saying, I want you to head to a body shop and have yours replaced. Lately, it appears that you are growing more and more lapse in your duties, and my sources inform me that every so often, your body needs a tune up. I have scheduled you an appointment with an auto body shop in New York. They informed me that it would take a few weeks to get around to fixing you, so I will have need of a temporary replacement. You will find me one, post haste."
Sandoval was not sure to laugh or scream in frustration. What in hell had Zo'or gotten him into now? "What do you mean, Zo'or?"
Zo'or smiled, time for phase two. He placed a hand on his hip and made a shooing motion with the other. He learned this was a very effective gesture to distract and confuse your opponent. "Listen little man, it is time for me to leave your sorry ass."
"Zo'or?"
"Don't even go there?"
"Are you suffering from the Pesh'tal again?" Sandoval squeaked out, feeling like he was about to crack up because evidently the world had already gone insane.
Zo'or faked moral outrage and pointed his index finger at Sandoval's chest. "Uh uh. Oh no you didn't. I know you just did not even say that."
"What has gotten in to you?" Sandoval cried out in fear.
Phase three. Zo'or put his hand in Sandoval's face palm splayed out like a stop sign. "Sppww, talk to the hand cause the ears ain't listenen."
"You have gone completely insane!"
Zo'or formed a W with his thumbs and index fingers. "What ever!"
"That's it. I am out of here! Find yourself a new protector, Zo'or. I quit."
"You're just jealous," Zo'or called out to the retreating former protector. With another smug grin, he sat in his chair and spun around. Time to move on to project number two. While he waited for his second subject's arrival, he carefully planned out what he would say. When Liam walked upon the bridge, Zo'or smiled grew to his ears.
"You summoned me, Zo'or?" Liam looked at the evil grin and paled. He knew this could not be good.
Zo'or watched as the protector walked towards him like a timid mouse. He gave his best cat's grin. "Yes Major, I have a special project for you. It is called Fru Vi'hashill Mal. (Translation: Let us hold hands. AN: this term is a proposition to have sex.) This project is entirely optional. I will understand if you wish not to comply."
Liam gulped; he could have sworn that Zo'or just asked... he couldn't have asked to... could he? "Okay."
To say he was stunned was an understatement. This was not what he had been expecting. To be sure he tried again. "Are you sure about this Major? I will not be offended."
Liam weighed his next words carefully. "I believe that I am sure."
'Sha'brah', Zo'or thought to himself. 'Well there goes that idea.' "Never mind Major. I was only testing your loyalty to the companions. You may go."
Liam sighed with relief and gave the proper gesture of respect.
Zo'or turned towards the window to plan his next project, when Liam walked towards the corridor.
Liam stopped and turned to the silent Taelon. "You know, Zo'or, if you are really interested, you have my number." With a seductive grin he strutted off the bridge.
Zo'or blushed in embarrassment. 'How had the human known what he asked? Da'an! Shren'ha that meddling Taelon. Why must he always teach those humans about our ways?' Zo'or's mind drifted from his anger at his parent and back to the memory of the retreating form of the Major. He placed his pinky to the corner of his mouth and smiled. 'I wonder what else Da'an has taught his amorous protector.' Feeling excited, Zo'or began to laugh. "Mwahahahaha!"
_________________________________________________________ Part 2 She's a man baby, a man.
Agent Sandoval walked down the mother ship with a grin plastered on his face. Quitting his job was the best idea he had had in a long time. Now that he was free, he could do what he always wanted. He turned one last time to look at the mother ship, and then stepped in to the portal. He flipped off the nearest Taelon before the energy enveloped him.
T'than blushed as he recognized the gesture. With a smirk, he walked over to the portal, tapped in a few commands, and smiled in success. "We shall see Agent Sandoval. We shall see."
The Embassy was quiet at this time of night when Liam staggered down the cooridor from the shuttle pad to Da'an's resting chamber. Slowly, he entered so as not to awaken his companion from his rest. He snickered as he went about his work and almost fell over from laughing. As he was just about to slip out of the chamber again, he heard the energy shower stop.
"Is there some thing I can help you with, Liam?" Da'an asked.
Liam hopped back in surprise. Quickly, he looked anywhere but at Da'an. "Uh no, Da'an. Every thing is fine." He hiccupped several times in succession. "Just fine, Da'an."
"Liam, is there a reason you are acting in this manner?"
Liam attempted to stand up straight, but only managed a lopsided stance. "In what manners my that be a a'an."
"Liam, look at me."
Liam snorted and held a hand to his face. "Na nope, don't think I can do that."
"And why not?" Da'an was growing impatient with his obviously inebriated protector.
"Cause I don't wanna." Liam held his hands behind his back and started to swing from side to side.
"Liam!"
The young man looked down at his feet and pretended to smoosh some thing under his toes.
"You will look at me this instant!"
Liam looked up reluctantly. When he did he fell over laughing.
"Why are you behaving in this erratic manner?" Da'an was suddenly concerned with his own safety and slowly backed away to his chair. He poised a hand over his control panel. "Liam, what is the meaning of your actions?"
Liam looked at the Taelon and started to pound on the floor laughing harder.
Da'an pressed the holographic control. When Liam started howling with laughter, he started to slap the control until it suddenly died from over use. "Sha'bra, Shren'ha primitive technology."
A few minutes later, several Volunteers entered the audience chamber and stopped dead in their tracks when they saw Da'an.
Da'an felt immediate relief at seeing them. "Thank goodness, captain. I believe some thing has happened to my protector. What is going on? Why are you laughing?" He turned to face his protector in confusion. "Liam, what have you done?"
"Ca... ca... call up mirror." He couldn't stop laughing long enough to tell Da'an.
Da'an waved a hand in front of his chair and a reflective surface appeared in front of him. The image caused him to blush and he screamed in rage. "LIAM!" He turned to the place he left Liam sprawled on the floor and noticed that Liam was gone. The sound of a sonic boom let him know where his protector had gone. He stormed over to the portal and activated it. As the wave of energy swallowed him, a breeze blew his skirt up around his head.
Liam couldn't stop laughing as the he stumbled down the corridors of the Mother Ship. As he passed a portal, he saw an angry companion step out of it, cursing in Eunonia as his dress billowed in the breeze. "Oh shi..." He ran for the bridge to warn Zo'or.
Zo'or turned immediately to Liam when he sensed his return. "Is it done?"
Liam fell to his knees beside Zo'or's chair, laughing and nodding his head. "He's on his way."
Zo'or smirked and stood. "You are dismissed, Major. Remember to report to me tomorrow for reassignment as my new protector."
Liam flushed at the lustful look Zo'or gave him. "Yes, Zo'or." He then took off towards the exit, but made a swift change and ran out the other door as he heard cursing from the first entrance.
"ZO'OR!"
Zo'or assumed a stance of indifference as his parent stomped on to the bridge in white stilettos and matching dress. "Yes, Da'an."
Da'an stood with his hands waving in angry gestures, which only added to accentuate the Marylin Monroe look. "Where is he?" He tried to put the fear of the void in Zo'or, which was impossible with his pouty lips and slutty make-up.
Zo'or turned to Da'an with a look of surprise. "Da'an? What have you done to yourself? I knew you sympathized with the humans, but to actually alter your appearance. For Shame."
Da'an tossed a blond curl out of his eye in anger. "Where is he?"
Zo'or smirked at his parent. 'Just a little closer.' "Where is who?"
Da'an stepped closer and burned holes in Zo'or. "Liam." His voice dripped venom as he stated the name.
"Oh him, I sent him home to rest. He will need it for our joining tomorrow." Zo'or turned away at his parent's stunned look. As he walked towards his chair he smiled. "Oh Da'an, there is a human saying that I have only recently come across that I wish to say to you. Say Cheese." He reached out and pressed a button on his chair and Da'an's dress was caught in an updraft, followed quickly by a brilliant flash.
Da'an howled in anger, but before he could do any thing, another flash blinded him. That was soon followed by a never-ending barrage of flashes.
"Sha'bra, human technology is so primitive." Zo'or slapped the console but was unable to stop the camera from it's flashing.
A loud high pitched shriek filled the bridge as Agent Sandoval came running in only his boxers and a studded dog collar. "Zo'or, you have got to save me!" He ran to the cursing companion and went down on his knees. "Please, save me from that psycho!"
"Agent Sandoval! You are a very bad doggy. (Whpspp. the sound of a whip cracking.) Get back here now and take your punishment like a good doggy."
Everyone on the bridge turned to see T'than in thigh high black stiletto leather boots, black leather girdle, black leather shorts, and black leather mask over his eyes with a cat-o-nine-tails in his hands, cracking against his black leather gloves.
He pointed to a spot near his feet. "Heel, doggy." He screamed in out rage as his doggy passed out at the feet of his enemy. "Bad bad doggy! You were supposed to beg me, not him." He stood pouting as the camera continued the barrage of light and image gathering.
Da'an unfroze from his position and stalked over to Zo'or and glared right in his face. "You will not touch Liam. He is mine."
"On the contrary Da'an, it is me who he wishes to join with."
Da'an bitch slapped Zo'or. "He is mine, you little slut! So keep your hands to yourself!"
Zo'or flushed, then returned the favor. "He is mine!"
"Mine!" Slap.
"Mine!" Slap.
"Mine!" Slap.
"Mine!" Slap.
"Mine!" Slap.
Whoppsllshh. Whip Crack. "Silence, both of you. What sort of debauchery is going on here? Flashing lights, human clothing, painted faces, and fighting over a human. You have greatly shamed us today. I will see to it that both of you are brought before the Synod for this." T'than glared at them with a smirk of satisfaction.
Da'an turned to Zo'or and they both smiled. Da'an walked over to T'than in his graceful manner and placed a hand on his hip and the other out in a pray mantis position towards the leather bound Companion. "Tell me T'than, why are you so interested in Agent Sandoval?"
T'than hissed at the blond Taelon. "He is mine, you hear me." As if to prove his point, he turned over his whip and pressed a button on the bottom.
Sandoval came awake with a yelp, clutching at his collar.
T'than started for his little doggy, pulling a chain from god knew where.
Agent Sandoval jumped to his feet and flew out off the bridge screaming.
T'than strutted off the bridge, swinging his hips from side to side. "Agent Sandoval, you may run but you can not hide."
Liam walked from his new office to the portal in a daze as the liquor he had drunk earlier was starting to wear off. Quickly, something shoved him in to the wall as it ran past. Getting up angrily, he noted that who ever it was had dropped a piece of their clothing. Upon further examination, it appeared to be half of a pair of boxers. "What the hell?"
A strolling Taelon in leather walked up to him, swinging a whip like a cop with their baton. "Major Kincaid. I am looking for the owner of the other half of these. Have you seen them?"
Liam got a big goofy grin on his face and smiled at T'than. "Duh, sure George. He wenta that way." He pointed the exact opposite that the owner went.
"Thank you, Major. I shall remember this." T'than then started down the path after his prey in the wrong direction. "Come out where ever you are. You can't hide from me for long."
Liam stepped in to the portal shaking from the laughter as he heard the Taelon seductively calling out "Here Kit'T Kit'T Kit'T."