Niles comes home, then Sarah's apartment. Early Tuesday morning.
Niles got out of the cab that had picked him up at the airport and sat him out in front of the Manor, his eyes feeling like they were lined with sandpaper. He hadn't slept since Saturday night and he'd worked his fingers to the bone while he'd been home. He needed to just go upstairs to his apartment, check on his cat, and go to sleep.
He didn't.
He found himself on the elevator, but he didn't get out on his floor. The apartment door he stood in front of wasn't his - it was Elspeth's. He stared at the door for a long time, not moving or knocking, feeling like something had cut him open and slowly ripped his insides out. He wanted to go to her, to smell her, to touch her, but that wasn't fair of him, was it? She'd asked him to stay away and he should respect that. He wasn't good - for anybody - and he knew that.
He forced himself away from the door and back into the elevator. Once again, he found himself getting off on a floor that wasn't his and this time when he reached the apartment that wasn't his, he knocked. Sarah would be inside. Sarah would make it better, or at least not judge him when he cried on her like a baby. She hadn't before.
Sarah, up late, tap-tapping away at her laptop, looked up at the sound of the knock. She got up and peeked through her fisheye peephole, then opened the door. Uh oh. He looked like shit. "You look like shit," she said matter of factly.
"I feel like shit," he said as he walked in, rubbing at one bleary eye. "I haven't slept in a few days."
"I can see. And smell," she added, closing the door behind him. "You want to just hit the couch or should I make you something to drink?"
"Drink," he answered as he sat down on the couch and pondered. Did he really smell? He lifted one arm and saw that yeah he did, and winced. "Sorry. I didn't mean to show up here like this. I meant to go home first thing. I just didn't."
She squeezed his shoulder as she passed behind the couch, heading for the kitchen. "It ain't no thing, sugarpie. You know that. What do you want? Coffee, tea, soda, juice?" She wasn't offering something harder, based on the way he looked, but she could rustle up a beer if he needed one.
He ran his hands over his thighs, rocking forward a little bit. "Soda," he finally said. "Soda would be really good. Thanks, Rah."
She brought it back to him in a glass with ice and settled it on the coffee table, then took his face in her hands to look into his eyes, studying his face. Wow, he looked bad. She kissed his forehead gently, then took the seat on the couch beside him. "What's the matter? Tell me all your troubles."
"I went home," he said softly. "To New Orleans." He took a long drink of soda, then shook the glass a little to watch the ice clink around. "Everything's went to shit, Sarah."
She frowned. "It's not better?"
He shook his head. "I spent the whole day handing out food and toys and God knows what else. It still wasn't enough. There are people just living on the street. Living in shacks. I don't know why nobody's trying to help these people, you know?"
"For the same reason nobody's helping any people who live anyplace else," she said after a minute, thinking of all she'd seen on her travels. "C'mere." She opened her arms.
He went to her, grateful that she was offering to hug him even though he knew he had to stink to high heaven. "Julia's really dead, you know that?" he said as he lay his head on her shoulder and let himself be soothed by the feel of her as he had all those times before. "I still see her sometimes, but she's dead. Her grave is still there."
She stroked a hand over his hair. "I know."
He tucked his face in her shoulder and breathed deeply, eyes misting even though he'd tried not to cry. His hands bunched in her shirt and he held her tighter, rocking a little bit in an attempt to soothe himself.
"Shhh. Shhh," she said, over and over. She didn't tell him not to think about it, or not to be upset. Some things weren't meant to be pushed aside. Some things had to be felt.
"I hate myself, Rah," he said softly. "I fucked everything up. I can't get better."
"Hey." She tugged his hair for him to look at her, so she could see his face. "Don't talk like that."
He sniffed and rubbed at his eyes. It wasn't as bad as last time, he reasoned. There weren't any gut-punching revelations or surprises. It was just the same old mess, the same familiar ache. "I went to see my mother," he said softly. "Again. I bought her a Christmas present, but I didn't talk to her. I just handed it to the maid."
"Oh, River." She called him that, the River Niles, because he was so deep and fast and dangerous. She stroked his hair. "Why didn't you talk to her?"
"She didn't want to talk to me," he said in a quiet voice. "She stood in the window and watched me but she wouldn't come out or even acknowledge me."
"Oh, honey. That's terrible. I'm sorry." Sarah's own mother was a pain and a fright, but she'd never have allowed Sarah to visit without talking to her.
He shrugged. "Par for the course, right?" he said in a hoarse voice. "I shouldn't have expected any more of her. I don't even know why I bother."
Of course he bothered because it was his mother. But that didn't make it any better. "I'm sorry. That sucks. But it's not you, Riv, you need to get off your own case so much. Sure, you fuck up now and then, but you're a good guy."
He scratched at the back of his neck and nodded. "I know. I mean, I try." He took a big, deep breath and sighed. "Ah well. Fuck 'em, right?"
She laughed gently. "Maybe not ALL of them."
He laughed too, and it was genuine even though it was rusty. "Nah, not all of them. That's part of my problem."
"I should think so. I told you that before." She rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, yeah." He squeezed her again, thinking about how good she smelled and how she always smelled like that and how he'd always associate her scent with being happy and comfortable. "I'm glad I found you again, Rah."
"Me too. Isn't it funny how life does crazy stuff like that?" She settled further into the cushions, yawning a little, forgetting it was so late. "I really never thought I'd see you again."
"Me either," he said and shook his head. "And I can't think of why. You're special to me. I should've kept better track of you."
"Ah, well, it happens." She tickled his side. "We were both in a strange place. And now we're still in a strange place! Only now we're in it together."
He laughed and shook his head. "Yeah. Thank God for that, right?" He took a deep, calming breath again. It was amazing the way she could calm him sometimes. He scratched the back of his neck and in the process smelled his arm pit, which made him wince.
"Ugh, I need to shower," he said in a resigned voice. "I'm stinking up your pretty apartment."
"You sure are." She wrinkled her nose. "Though I have to say, I've smelled worse. Not much worse."
He laughed and it was a little less rusty sounding. "Yeah. I guess I better go take a shower. There may or may not be a girl in my apartment. I'm not really sure."
"What the...!" She goggled at him. "Dude. What the hell is wrong with you? What do you mean, you may or may not have a girl there? Seriously?"
He laughed. "She was watching my cat," he reasoned. "She might be there. I don't know."
"Oh, dude. Dude." She shook her head. "Is she also one of the ones who's been wetting your wick?"
He looked wary for a moment. "...Yeah? Why?"
Sarah sighed, shaking her head. "Oh, dude. Dude." She stroked him. "You really...well, far be it from me to tell you what to do, but if you're trying to cut back or wean down or whatever, you can't be having girls staying at your place, even to take care of the cat." She eyed him. "Then again, maybe you like having multiple willing ladies ready to take you to bed, nothing wrong with it, but you know, it's complicated, sweetie. That's all."
He sighed. "I know. She's just taking care of Lola, you know? I couldn't leave Lola all alone, and Lola knows and likes her and she's a friend and I can trust her. And I don't know if she was staying or not. I told her just to check on her, but she might have stayed. I don't think... It's a big deal. I mean, I don't think she's going to be waiting with her ring finger out when I get home."
Or at least he hoped not. Christ.
Sarah laughed at the look on his face. "Nah, probably not. Who'd ever want to marry you? You stink!"
"Certainly not me," he agreed and stood. "Thanks for all the love, Rah. I'll take my stinky ass elsewhere, but Imma come back here sometime during the week for dinner, okay?" He kissed her forehead and gave her one more squeeze. "You take care, lovah."