Shrink's office; backdated to Monday, Bridget, Phin, cameo by Stone
Phin was nervous. He had listened to Bridget's suggestion and had readily agreed to try the whole...shrink thing. Initially, he'd been shocked when Bridget suggested (insisted even) that he actually spend his recovery after the hospital at the actual Manor Pandigaeshik apartment. He'd told her initially that she didn't need to do that but had given in because it meant being able to see the kids, and not only that but she seemed more receptive. Part of him hadn't wanted to use that to his advantage but a bigger part was desperate enough to do so. Also, he had been sure that he really had nowhere else to go but his own apartment. Obviously Billie only had a dorm, and his parents wouldn't be very receptive to having him invade their space, and his brothers were both in high school, so.
When she'd brought up the suggestion that they go to some kind of shrink-y couples therapy....doctor guy, Phin had been genuinely surprised. He had agreed though, thinking that they really didn't have much to lose and he owed her more than showing up and taking part in therapy sessions. He was kind of hoping that it might help in the end too. He was well aware that it wouldn't be some quick fix, but that didn't mean he couldn't be hopeful, right? Anyway, he was hobbling along with the use of a cane, overjoyed that a) that neck brace had been gone relatively fast and b) the blindness shit had gone away. He hobbled out of the elevator with Bridget and looked at the panel of names. "What's this guy's name?" He asked as he looked at the names and tried to remember.
"Dohanic." Bridget spotted the name and pointed to it on the list. "This one." She started in the direction the arrow on the panel was pointing and walked a slower pace than normal beside Phin. She wasn't entirely sure whether or not this was a good idea, but it probably couldn't hurt. Since the accident she'd found herself much less sure of her prior decisions when it came to the two of them and their family. She didn't really know what she wanted anymore. So here they were, going to a professional for help. This was a last-ditch effort if there ever was one. (No, actually, deciding to have a kid might have been even more desperate.)
Once they got to the office, Bridget opened the door and held it so Phin could hobble through.
Phin preferred not to think of the kids as something done in desperation or as a mistake. They hadn't counted on two, and they got two. It hadn't made everything better but it curbed a lot of arguments in favor of taking care of the kids instead. There were more smiles and silly moments too. Those were all good things. "Thanks," He said as he hobbled through the door. He hated needing help. It had to be a guy thing or something. It's not like he could turn down the help without extra unnecessary effort and pain. Plus, it was Bridget. He waited for her as the secretary said hello and Phin gave them their name and the time of their appointment. The secretary told them to have a seat. Phin made his way to the cushy outer office chairs but stayed leaning on his cane so he wouldn't have to pull himself back to his feet later.
They had decided to have a kid because they were desperate. There wasn't much getting around that, no matter how nicely the kids may have turned out. Bridget sat down as Phin talked to the secretary. She checked her watch, hoping the wait wasn't going to be too long. At least there was no one else sitting around in the waiting room. She glanced at Phin briefly when he came over to the chairs and then picked up one of the complimentary magazines to pass the time.
Phin looked around the office and then settled on looking at the fish tank nearby. It was one of those fancy salt water tanks with the crazy tropical (expensive) fish. He wondered if Jeth and Penny would get a kick out of it. He looked over at Bridget and dropped his voice. "Hey..." He nodded toward the tank. "Think he ever paid top dollar for one of them and one of the others ate it?" He arched an eyebrow. What? It was a legitimate question - those fuckers were expensive! They'd had projects that had wanted them in their offices and they'd had to design around fancy wall tanks and crap. It would be amusing to know that the people buying them didn't know jack about the fish they were putting in there.
Bridget looked up from the magazine and followed Phin's nod toward the tank. "I don't know," she said after a moment. She turned back to Phin. "You can ask him when we get inside his office." She brought her attention back down to the magazine, even though she wasn't focusing on it enough to actually read anything.
Phin nodded. Okay. Joking at all was out of the question. Not that he was going to joke around in the actual office. He was nervous! Geez. Anyway, he just nodded and went back to looking at the fish and wanting to go in the doctor's office so he could sit down. And that was about when the doctor's inner office door swung open. Some rumbles of voices came from the other side of the doorway as Phin looked over as none other than Stone Hawthorne shook the doctor's hand and then turned to the secretary with one of those smug smirks he wore all the time. Figures that Hawthorne would be going to a shrink. Actually...where had Bridget gotten this guy's name?
Stone turned to the desk and waved a piece of paper, which turned out to be a check. He set it down and used on finger to hold it there. "Dear Prudence, let me see you smile," He smirked at the woman, positive she heard comments that included 'Dear Prudence' in them all the time. At least he used an actual lyric from the song. He bounced his eyebrows at her and pushed the check toward her with little wink.
Bridget was nervous as well, so she wasn't in the mood for joking. Especially not with Phin. She lifted her head when she heard the door, and arched her eyebrows slightly when she saw Stone Hawthorne.. Well, this was a little awkward. She wasn't exactly keen on the idea of her neighbors knowing she and Phin had problems (though that was kind of unavoidable at this point) and that they were so bad that they required help from a psychiatrist. Even if the person learning that information was going to the same doctor himself. Bridget hoped he would stay too absorbed in his smugness to notice that she and Phin were there.
Prudence smirked back at Stone and egged him on a little as they went on about seeing each other the same time same place next week. It wasn't until he looked up to wish the other people in the waiting room luck that he noticed his neighbors. Oh yes, the Pandas! He cleared his throat a little. "Well howdy, neighbors," He said as he hoisted his backpack (oh yes, that was with him, because he had to head to class). He smiled at them. "Good to see you up and about," He looked around the room. "Rugratless today though, it seems," He added with a nod.
Phin pressed his lips together and gave Stone a nod. "Did ya have a good appointment?" He asked as he straightened his arms to stand up straighter. He wasn't very pleased to be seeing Stone. He didn't necessarily dislike the guy, he just wasn't keen on having all kinds of crazy shit being spread around the Manor because the guy saw them here. Granted, who knew what kinds of crazy shit was said about them around the Manor anyway?
Stone was going to respond but Dohanic appeared and made a comment about not taunting his patients so Stone put his hands up in innocence. "I'm just conversing with the kind folks about the small world..."
"We appreciate it," Bridget said as she closed the magazine. She down on the table next to her chair and stood up. Maybe going to this doctor wasn't such a great idea after all, with that small world factor.
Stone arched an eyebrow but nodded. "Well okay then. Gotta jet and do the college thing, kids," He gave them a wave and then gave Prudence a wink and the gun, which she just shook her head and rolled her eyes at, before he started for the door. "Adios," He grinned.
Dohanic shook his head and then smiled at Phin and Bridget, stepping back and motioning for the door. "He's just a bit of a ham as you can see," He told them. "Come in, have a seat and we'll begin?" He suggested, mostly to give them a chance to back out if they wanted.
Phin glanced at Bridget. He wanted to reach out and take her hand...but the cane and all. Instead, he just started hobbling toward the office door, brave face and all that despite the nerves. "Yeah, he's something alright," He replied.
It was a good thing he had that cane because Bridget probably would have refused any handholding at the moment. She glanced after Stone before following Phin into the office.
"He's actually one of our neighbors," she said, and then wondered whether or not she should have volunteered that information.
Doctor Dohanic shut the door once Bridget was in the office. "Oh?" He smiled a little. "It really is a small world in that case. Have a seat, please," He said before he headed around to his side of the desk and sat down and then waited for them to get settled.
Phin was a little uneasy but hobbled around until he could sit down into one of the chairs. Then he moved to lay the cane down on the floor next to the chair so he wouldn't knock it over.
Bridget sat down on the other chair and crossed one leg over the other. She folded her hands in her lap and turned to Phin with a glance before looking at the doctor. She had no idea how these things were supposed to be begin, but she figured he would lead the way anyway.
Phin used his arms on the armrest to sit up straighter. Dohanic watched them, looked them over each even, as he grabbed some papers Phin couldn't see and started setting up a file. Gee, that wouldn't make anyone nervous. Phin cleared his throat and leaned his elbows on the arms, folding his hands across his stomach area. "So, we're not exactly...sure how this works," He said to Dohanic.
Doctor Dohanic smiled. "There's no need to be so nervous. This session will mostly consist of talking about why you're here and what you want to accomplish through therapy," He put his pen down and leaned on the desk, folding his hands on the desk. "So why don't with start with why you're here?" He arched and eyebrow and looked between both of them.
Phin looked down at his lap guiltily. "Okay," He shifted and cleared his throat. "That would be my fault," He answered with only a glance in Bridget's direction. Dohanic let out an interested hum but then looked over at Bridget for her answer, apparently unsatisfied with Phin's.
Bridget turned her eyes to Phin for a few moments before looking back and realizing Dohanic was waiting for her to speak. "That's right," she nodded. "We have...major issues." She turned slightly toward Phin before adding, "And I don't know if they're fixable."
Phin frowned at his lap as he nodded to let Bridget know he'd heard her. He glanced at Dohanic, before he looked at Bridget feeling anxious with the doctor just watching them. "I'm glad you're willing to try though." Dohanic decided to sit back and let them have a little moment and see what happened.
Bridget hadn't been expecting a response from Phin since her statement had actually been directed toward Dohanic. She arched her eyebrows just a bit before sitting back in her chair and looking forward again. She didn't have anything to say in response to that. Especially not with a doctor sitting there listening.
Phin frowned and looked down at his lap again.
Dohanic nodded a little. "Well I don't want to give you any false hope, but we'll do our best to fix your relationship so long as you both are willing to," he told them. "Why don't we start with what makes it your fault that you are both here?" he asked Phin.
Phin took a deep breath and looked at the doctor. "I cheated," he said with a frown and a glance in Bridget's direction. "On Bridget. When I was out at a friend's bachelor party." he frowned.
Dohanic nodded and then looked at Bridget to give her a chance to speak.
Bridget frowned some herself, but kept her eyes right on the doctor. It morphed into a slight scowl as she elaborated. "While I was at home, alone, taking care of our twins, who weren't even a year old at the time."
Phin grimaced. Dohanic arched his eyebrows a little. "And this happened recently?" he asked.
Phin grimaced again. "It happened about a year or so ago-Once. I had too much to drink, which is not an excuse, there was a lot of stupidity and blacking out involved..." that last part was mumbled at his knees.
Dohanic nodded slightly as he took all this in and wrote some notes down. He looked at Bridget. "When did you find out about this?" he asked.
Bridget looked down at the surface of the desk and rolled her eyes a bit as Phin mumbled his explanation. She looked back up at Dohanic when he addressed her. "A few months ago. And he didn't volunteer this information."
Phin knew this was going to basically be a full hour of beating up on him but that didn't mean he had to enjoy it. he sunk a little in his seat a little.
"How was your relationship around the time of the incident?" Dohanic asked either of them. Phin was quiet.
Bridget took the reins since Phin didn't. "Well, we were new parents. With twins. So it was stressful. We, uh," she glanced at Phin, "didn't have a lot of time for each other. When we did, I think we usually fought about something or other." She frowned and looked back and forth between Phin and the doctor. "But that doesn't make what he did okay."
"Nobody said what I did was okay." Phin looked at Bridget. "It sounds like you want to sugar coat it. We were fighting about something or other well before the twins were born." he was actually sad about what he was saying. "I thought on a daily basis about whether or not you still loved me, only I was too worried to bring it up because I thought doing so would just...be a catalyst-"
Bridget twisted around to look at him. "For what?" she asked, cutting him off. "For us to get a divorce? Well, too bad you went and did something else to get us there anyway." She turned back to the doctor. "Fine. I won't sugar coat it. We fought constantly before we had the kids, we fought constantly when 'the incident' happened and we continue to fight constantly afterward. That's what we do. We fight. And apparently harbor secret worries about whether or not we still love each other. And instead of discussing it for fear of causing a rift, we go and pick up a random girl in a bar and sleep with her because it is just such a better idea." She slumped down in her chair with a sigh.
Phin put his forehead down and rubbed his temples. "It's not okay. And that's not what happened. I didn't go out and deliberately do something to hurt you. I can't take it back no matter how much I want to. I lied because i was desperate and I didn't want to lose you." he replied, definitely not as forceful as she had but just enough to show some of his conviction. He wasn't sitting here saying he was innocent.
Dohanic interrupted. "Okay, I want you both to stop and take a deep breath." he paused and gave them a moment to do so. After a moment he spoke. "Bridget, knowing that all three of us believe what was done to you is wrong hurtful on countless levels, do you think that Phin cheated to deliberately hurt you because he thought you stopped loving him?" he held a hand up to stop Phin when Phin opened his mouth.
Bridget glanced at Phin before turning her head down to her lap. "No," she admitted after a moment. "If I did...we wouldn't be here right now."
Dohanic nodded, having expected so, and then spoke. "Do you want to explain to Phin how discovering this news has affected you mentally and emotionally in detail?" Sure it seemed like something one would have done already but this was a more controlled environment. Phin didn't like the sound of that but he sat up straight and looked over at Bridget so he could at least try to show that he was listening and attentive even though he wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere at the moment.
Bridget furrowed her brow. They were entering the lame talking about their feelings area of therapy now. She could only hope that Dohanic's treatment didn't eventually involve roleplay. "He already knows," she said before looking at Phin. She frowned a little further before rattling off a quick list. "I feel like I can't trust you anymore. I feel betrayed. And kind of vindicated that I'm not paranoid because I knew there was something going on that you'd been keeping from me. I'm angry. The fact that you did it at all...and then the fact that you did it when we had little babies at home? I really want to know what's wrong with you."
Phin frowned, flinched even as she spoke. He didn't have an answer to that. "I don't have an answer for you and even if I did it wouldn't be an adequate answer for me, let alone you." he told her. "I wish there was some way to make it up to you."
"Yeah, well..." Bridget let out a breath of air and turned her eyes back down to her lap. She had no idea what he could possibly do either. And on top of that, she still didn't know if she even wanted him to make up for it.
"Why don't we take a break from the heavy talk, it's easy to overwhelm yourself," Dohanic cut in. "Why don't you tell me about your jobs?" He looked between them both.
Phin nodded but he was looking at Bridget. He cleared his throat. "I co-own a construction company," He answered.
Bridget looked up at Dohanic. "I work at the Parks and Rec Department. An assistant for Municipal Sports," she said, not sounding particularly enthused about her job. Because she wasn't.
Dohanic nodded at Phin's response and glanced at his leg. He looked at Bridget though and tilted his head. "But you'd rather be...?" He arched an eyebrow as he asked it.
"Writing short fiction," Bridget replied. But that was pretty much out of the question now.
Dohanic made notes of both answers. "Is there a specific reason you haven't pursued that career option?" He asked Bridget, making a mental note to ask next about Phin's injury.
Bridget thought about that for a moment before she rattled off another answer, this time ticking things off on her fingers. "When I was done with school I needed a job that would actually give me some sort of income so writing fell by the wayside, then I got married and was distracted, then I had kids and didn't have time, and then I was thinking about quitting to stay at home full time, but...now there's still a chance I might get a divorce, so I need to hold onto the job that I have."
Phin sunk down a little more. This was all horrible to hear and only served to make him feel like more of a failure. Now he was fucking up Bridget's aspirations? He was a horrible person. Dohanic asked him what he thought about Bridget's comment. Phin looked up at the doctor. "I think it's horrible." he answered, which made him feel kind of dumb. "I don't want her," He stopped and looked over at Bridget. "I don't want you to give up something you want - something you're really good at too - because of my terrible mistake."
Bridget looked at Phin and after a moment, lifted her shoulders in a shrug. "Too bad it's kinda late for that now," she said. She looked down again and glanced at his leg before settling her gaze on the floor.
Phin turned his gaze down to his lap again as Dohanic wrote down a few more notes. Dohanic spoke a moment later, this time to Phin. "What about you, Phin?" He asked. "Do you like your job?"
Phin looked up at the doctor and shrugged. "Sure, I guess." He answered. "The hours suck." He looked at his leg. "And someone tried to kill me, but it pays the bills..." And Bridget's insatiable spending habits. They were doing really well with the Kobol site despite the set backs thanks to the sabotage. They hadn't been thrown off of it obviously. Phin, however, was reduced to sitting in the office and sending out orders over the walkies and letting other people do most of his normal jobs. That, however, did let him go home earlier in the day at least.
Bridget lifted her eyes up to look at Phin's leg again. She held her gaze there for a while, thinking back over everything that had got them to this point here in the doctor's office. She still cared for him; it wasn't something she could easily turn off, especially now that she had almost flat-out lost him forever. But she still didn't know if she'd ever be able to fully forgive him or look past what he'd done. And if she couldn't, she didn't really see any point in them trying to be together. They'd only be miserable.
Phin looked over at Bridget. He pressed his lips together nervously and then tried to give her a small reassuring smile. He wasn't sure he really pulled it.
That was all right because it wouldn't have mattered much anyway. Bridget turned back to Dohanic as he launched into some more questions to get to know them better. It was definitely odd, talking in depth about yourself to a stranger you just met, and then expecting nothing in return about his side of life. It was going to take some getting used to.
Eventually their hour was up and Bridget and Phin said their goodbyes to Dohanic. After some walking and hobbling, they made it back to the car. Bridget was quiet as she strapped herself in and turned the key in the ignition. She wasn't really sure what to say after all that.
Phin was quiet as he hobbled along next to her. It took some effort after all that sitting and then hobbling to get into the car but he did so as quick as possible. He let out small sigh as she started the car and moved to put his seat belt on. Then he looked at Bridget. "So," He said as he shifted in his seat to get his leg more comfortable. "What do you think?"
Bridget glanced at him before she looked over her shoulder to pull out of the parking space. "I don't know. We didn't exactly do much so far. Just talked at him."
"Yeah," Phin nodded as he turned to watch out the front window instead of staring at her while she was driving. "I can't imagine Hawthorne sitting in there and letting that guy ask him those questions without being all smug and snarky with his answers." He moved his hands from his jacket pockets to his lap and then a couple of his fingers tapped on the top of the brace on his leg nervously.
"Well, he probably is," Bridget shrugged. She put the car into drive and started for the parking lot's exit. "Good thing therapists are supposed to be patient. I don't think I could stand it."
Phin nodded in agreement. "Yeah really," He didn't know what else to say about it. He wondered how Stone's sister wound up so drastically different. Maybe she was just better at not acting like cocky jackass in front of strangers/acquaintances. Phin didn't ask though. He looked over at Bridget once they were driving. He hesitated to speak because his mind was going in multiple places at once.
Bridget grew quiet again and just focused on driving. It wasn't until they were a few blocks from home when she finally spoke. "So what did you think?"
Phin looked at his lap. "He was a little cliche," He shrugged. "But he didn't interrupt us," when hey were talking to each other instead of y'know, to the doctor. "I don't know if it will work," He told her honestly. "But I'm willing to try." he cleared his throat a little. "And even if you decide you aren't before next week, I'm grateful that you were willing to try even for one visit." He added. "And for everything else too, after the accident and all," He said. This was all very awkward.
Bridget didn't know what to say to that. What did come out wasn't exactly the kindest thing. "Don't make me regret it," she warned, nearly mumbling.
Phin blinked. He hadn't expected that response. It wasn't like he wasn't used to having her angry at him. He swallowed even though nothing was in his mouth and then spoke again. "If you want to quit your job so you have more time to write," He started off. "We can figure that out you know." He looked at her and then cleared his throat and stared down at his hands in his lap again. "Regardless of whether or not there's a divorce..." He let it trail off.
Bridget frowned and didn't turn to look at him. She just kept her eyes on the road and after a moment said, "That's a stupid idea and you know it." She turned onto the Manor's block and put on her turn signal to enter the garage.
Phin frowned as she pulled into the garage. "No it's not," He insisted. "We can figure out a way to do it. Maybe it'll take a couple more weeks, maybe a couple months, to sort it all out so that it's possible to do it now with the foresight that the finances might change in the future if it the therapy doesn't work..."
"Stop it. It's not going to work. And 'mommy quit her job to pursue her dreams' is not going to be helpful during any sort of divorce proceedings, should we have any. If we split up, I need my job. I'm not going to rely solely on you." She still wasn't looking at him as she drove down the aisle, looking for a free parking spot.
Phin's brow furrowed. He didn't even think of it as not looking good on her in some divorce proceeding. What proceeding? He wasn't even fighting her on anything! In fact the only thing he would have been eager to fight about would be custody and not even full custody because he knew his job wouldn't provide him the option to take care of them every day. He would've only fought if she tried to keep him from seeing them at all. He really didn't think Bridget would do that, but maybe he'd been wrong. He turned his head to look out the window on his door. When she said she wasn't going to rely solely on him, he felt impossibly small as he sunk into his seat.
Bridget wasn't planning on keeping the kids from him. But no matter what happened if they divorced, it was important that she try to provide for the kids as much as she could from her own income.
She finally spotted an empty parking space and pulled into it, scowling a little as she did so. After the car was parked, she unbuckled her seat belt and climbed out.
But she'd be able to do that with money from her writing eventually wouldn't she? Phin thought so. He was quiet after that since she was scowling and angry now. Maybe he just shouldn't talk anymore and she'd be happy.
Once she was in a spot and cut the engine he unbuckled his seat belt and grabbed his cane as he opened the door. It was a grimacing balancing act to get in and out of the car with the leg injury.
That would depend on whether or not her writing actually ended up going anywhere, which was a big gamble. Too big when there were two little kids to worry about. Bridget shut her door and waited until Phin was out and closed his before she pressed the button to lock them. She hung by the back up the car until Phin was totally mobile so he could trail along beside her as they headed to the elevator.
Phin had resigned himself to the fact that he and Bridget were definitely getting a divorce before the accident happened. Since the accident he was left confused by her constant flip floppy moods. He'd already decided he'd give in to whatever she wanted for that divorce because it was his fault and all. Now all he was trying to do was convince her that she didn't have to give up what she wanted because he had made a horrible mistake.
He kept his head down to watch where he was going as he followed her and thy climbed into the elevator. "What about changing my hours?" he asked it out loud because he thought that just keeping suggestions in his head right now would be bad. He was probably wrong but at least he was putting and honest effort in. "I can start earlier so I can get home early and take the kids somewhere so you can write or you can go wherever it is you go to write better or..." he didn't really know what her process for that was just that he'd accidentally interrupted a time or two and had gotten yelled at for it.
Bridget pressed the button to call the elevator and turned to Phin. She was going to dismiss him and tell him that they had more important things to worry about right now that took precedence over her stalled writing career, but she realized that wasn't helping them make any progress. She closed her eyes and reached up to rub the side of her temple with a shrug.
"Fine. Okay. Let's do that," she agreed, though she doubted it would work since Phin's schedule wasn't exactly consistent.
Phin frowned at the way she just brushed him off to pacify him or...he didn't know what. "Hey, seriously," he didn't want to piss her off but she was looking down and stuff so he reached out and out his hand on her shoulder, just for a second to get her attention before he leaned it back down on his cane. "I mean it. I didn't know you were thinking about quitting your job, I thought you wrote while you were there, like you used to," Like when he'd try and lean over the counter back in the day when they were dating to try and peak at what she was writing.
When the elevator doors opened he leaned on the cane and used the other to block the sensor so she could walk in.
Now that she wasn't just a receptionist at the Rec Department, she had a lot less free time on the job. And nowadays, the time that she did have was devoted to online shopping. Bridget lifted her head and looked at her shoulder. Her eyes lingered there even after her put his hand back down again.
"I was going to wait," she said once she started walking into the elevator. She pressed the button for their floor and leaned against the wall. "I wanted to see if things were going to turn out as well as you hoped after Kobol was done. And then I was going to talk to you about it."
Phin frowned a lot as he hobbled in and leaned his weight against the back wall tiredly. He turned his head down and looked at his leg. It was a miracle they hadn't been kicked off Kobol, but Carter had saved the day. He had transferred enough workers to not only put the Kobol back on track but ahead of schedule so they were able to hang onto it. They had lost one prospective project because of it but it wasn't one of the higher profile ones after the revelation of the sabotage.
"We can figure out a way to make it work, however you want to work it. We haven't lost any prospective clients yet. Even if we just sit the hell down and rearrange schedules we can come up with something..." Maybe.
Bridget followed his eyes down to his leg. She looked at it for a few moments before she nodded. "Yeah. Maybe." She lifted her eyes back up to his face and just watched him.
Phin nodded. He didn't want to press the subject too much with the way she was responding. After nodding again he frowned up at the number panel on the wall as he watched them climb. She probably would have been better off if he'd just died in the damn accident. Specifically because of his job he'd had a pretty high insurance policy because of the possible hazards. He'd nearly doubled it however after they'd separated and he'd gone to the shabby apartment because he'd felt paranoid. She'd have had enough to quit then, probably, so she'd probably have been better off than having to deal with all of this now.
When the elevator slowed to a stop at the sixth floor, Bridget looked over at the button panel. As the doors started opening, she reached out and pressed the button to close them again. She turned back to Phin. There was something she wanted to say, and it was better she did it now while they were still alone, before they were back with the kids.
Phin leaned on his cane and straightened out when the elevator stopped. He blinked and looked over at Bridget when she pushed the button to close the doors, brow creased in concern and a little unnerved by the look on her face.
Bridget shook her head a little to let him know that she wasn't going to say anything bad. The elevator started heading back down again, no doubt to the lobby. Bridget glanced at the numbers above the door and then brought her attention back to Phin.
"I realize I've been...difficult about all of this. But it's been hard for me." She straightened herself up and crossed her arms over her chest. "One minute I want to hate you for what you did, and then I see your leg and think about the accident and how you..." She dropped her eyes down to the brace and shook her head, deciding to abandon that thought. "But I really do want to make an effort. To at least try. The doctor said that we need to decide whether or not we really want to try, and I do. Not just for us, but for the kids. But it's not going to be easy for me."
Phin shook his head right away at her first comment. He didn't want her apologize for being pissed at him. "Bridget you don't have..." he trailed off when she went on. He swallowed back what seemed to be a rather large lump that was forming in his throat as he nodded a little while she explained.
He waited this time until she was done and then he spoke. "I'm not sure I can explain how grateful I am that you're willing to try." He paused to let out a shaky little breath since his heart was pounding. "I'm willing to try or do anything you want me to." Not just what the doc suggested but whatever she wanted. He was thinking about what to say next but the elevator stopped at the lobby and the doors started to open again
Bridget looked at the door and pressed the button for six again. She turned back to Phin with a nod. It was too bad she had no idea what he could possibly do. A promise to do anything kind of benefited from that. She did wonder how much of his willingness to do had to do with the kids and how much it had to do with him actually wanting to be with her. She wasn't sure she was going to ask that, though. The doors closed and the elevator started heading up once again.
Phin waited until the doors closed again then turned to face Bridget before he spoke. "I don't know how I can ever make you believe me or how I could earn your trust back, but I'm gonna do everything I can to try to so long as you'll let me," he hesitated a moment because he didn't know how she was going to react.
"I love you, Bridget, even though I know you think I have no right to say so after what I did." He dropped his eyes down to the floor during that last part after he said he loved her.
The frown that was already on Bridget's face deepened after his declaration. She watched him stare downward as they went up a couple of floors. They were just passing the third when she spoke. "Why did you do it, Phin?" she asked, on the verge of pleading. She really wanted an answer. There must have been some compelling reason for him to have fucked up in such a colossal manner.
Phin shook his head after clenching his eyes shut a moment. He lifted his eyes looking more ashamed of himself after seeing her face. "I wish I had an answer for you," he wished it had never happened actually. "I wasn't lying when I said I blacked out. When I woke up..." he swallowed and turned his eyes down again, shaking his head sadly. "I wish I had an answer- I wish it hadn't happened...but I can't change that it did."
Bridget shook her head at his unsatisfactory response. "That's convenient, isn't it? That you don't remember a goddamn thing about it so you conveniently don't have to take full responsibility since you don't even know what happened? It's a bunch of bullshit. I don't believe you. There's no way you completely blocked out any and all memories about this girl and your motivations."
Phin shook his head, feeling guiltier as he looked at her. "Everything I did from getting trashed to leaving with her and lying to you was my fault and no one else's. I don't have some deep answer for why or how I'm a failure and a fuck up." he shook his head. "Even if I did, it wouldn't satisfy either of us."
He watched her for a moment. "I remember going to get a couple more pitchers, talking to the bartender and getting a drink spilled on my shoes. After that I remember waking up in the dark with no idea where I was, what time or day it was or where my clothes were. I'm not proud of what I did you know."
The elevator stopped on the sixth floor, and this time Bridget pulled out the stop before the doors opened. She turned back to Phin, shaking her head. "I know you're not," she said. That much was very obvious. She started ticking things off on her hands, hitting her palm a little harder with each question. "But I still need to know why. Is it because my libido was shot from being so tired all the time? Was it because you had trouble seeing me sexually after I became a mom? Was it because we were fighting a lot? Because you were tired of me? Because you wanted a change? Because she looked like me? Because she didn't look like me? Because I did something that you unconsciously wanted to get me back for? Because Carter was about to be trapped in a marriage of his own and you felt the sudden need to assert your freedom? There has to be some reason."
Phin was a little taken aback by all of that. He didn't know where to start. "It could have been any number of things, I'm trying to tell you I don't know..." he leaned his weight back on the wall because the pressure on his leg was getting to him. "I was lonely, I didn't want to be out but if I came home there would just be more fighting. I missed you. You didn't want me, I turned into a punching bag for you to start a fight with for any little reason. We were going down before the kids and after it was worse, our plan backfired and I never even thought about Carter getting married as him getting trapped-I never even thought I was trapped I just thought we were having issues and we'd figure out or that would just be it." he rambled as he tried to keep up with what she had said and with the circles his brain was running in.
"I guess she looked like you, I didn't stop to look at her face on the way out I just saw her hair. I don't want you to turn this around on me like it's some kind of excuse I'm making. There is no excuse." he leaned more of his weight on his good leg. He probably would have told her how he felt, about her being better off if he hadn't made it, but he just wound up staring at her with a pathetic, guilt ridden miserable look on his face wondering how much worse this was all going to make her feel.
It didn't feel good. Bridget was getting pangs of guilt herself as he told her how he felt after the kids were born. And then she wondered why she should be feeling guilty because, like he just said, there was still no excuse for what he did. And then she felt shitty for feeling that way, since clearly she wasn't exactly perfect at that time herself. But the kids just took so much out of her. When the rare moments had come around when they were alone together and not fighting, Bridget had been too touched out and tired to do anything. That wasn't really her fault. That was just life.
When Phin finished, Bridget looked down and let out a slow breath. Hearing of all that felt awful, but it was still a relief in a way. "I'm not turning it around," she said, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment. When she opened them again, she blinked a few times and refocused on Phin's face. "I wanted you to tell me. Any reason is better than no reason at all."
Phin nodded a little before he dropped his eyes again feeling his own - legitimate - pangs of guilt. He cleared his throat a little before he looked up again. "For the record, I never had trouble seeing you sexually after the kids were born," And he'd even watched the mindfuck as it happened-twice. "Well...maybe for a couple of hours while my brain was a clusterfuck of comprehension," he amended the statement and looked down again. "Just...for the record."
Bridget moved her hands back to grab onto the bar along the way behind her. "I...didn't really think you did," she shook her head. She looked down at the floor for just a second before looking up again. "I didn't know that you felt lonely."
Phin looked over at her when she moved and then looked down a little guiltily when she said that second bit. He shrugged his shoulders up a little. "...I was trying not to be a burden on you since you were already worn out and stressed out all the time, so," He shrugged again. "I just decided to wait it out..." He hadn't thought it would last as long is it had though, either.
"You did a great job of that," Bridget commented before she could think better of it. Well, actually, she knew she probably would have said it anyway. "Maybe if we'd actually talked about it, you wouldn't have..." She trailed off as she realized that talking about it would have most likely ended up in more fighting.
Phin frowned. "Yeah, well...hindsight's twenty-twenty," He looked up at her. "I was trying to avoid more fights at the time since we were already fighting pretty much round the clock..." what with constantly waking up for the twins and all.
Bridget shut her eyes tight and rubbed at them. "And we are now, too," she mumbled. "We've come so far."
Phin frowned. "I'm sorry," He told her. "Which doesn't mean shit, I know...just..." He didn't know what to say to her honestly. He thought he'd felt lonely before, by the way, he'd never really ever few more alone than he had over the past few months.
Bridget dropped her hand down to her side and arched her eyebrows, not sure if Phin actually had anything to say or if he trailed off because he didn't.
Phin's forehead scrunched up some. He shook his head and apologized again before he shifted his weight a little more on the wall and the railing along it. "I should've just listened to you," he frowned.
Bridget furrowed her brow. "When?"
Phin let out a derisive little snort at her question. He cleared his throat and looked over at her. "The night of Carter's bachelor party? When we were fighting about me even going to it?"
"Oh," Bridget nodded, thinking back. "Yeah. You should have. But here we are." She looked up at the ceiling of the elevator car and wondered how many people in this building stopped the elevator to fight instead of screw. Probably not many.
Phin would have rather stopped the elevator for such reasons...unless this was actually helping somehow. He wasn't sure it was though. He watched her for a long few moments. He didn't know what to say, so he stayed quiet and just looked at her and letting his mind run in circles again.
Bridget gazed back at him, wishing she didn't feel so conflicted. It almost didn't matter which decision she'd come to, so long as she at least felt strongly about it. Being in limbo was a horrible feeling. She had no idea what else to say either, so reached out to push the elevator stop back in. After a moment, the doors opened onto the sixth floor. Bridget pressed the door open button for Phin, a sad look etched on her face.
Phin glanced at the open doors and hesitated. He didn't mind staying there if there was more she wanted to talk about. He looked back over at her. That sad look was burned into his memory. He saw it constantly, even when he went to sleep. He frowned and focused on the ground before he started out of the elevator, slower than normal. His injured leg was full of the shooting pins and needles, the kind that make you feel like your skin in the affected area is on fire? Yeah, not fun.
Bridget waited until Phin was a few steps down the hall before she let go of the button and followed him out. She checked her watch as she unlocked the door to the apartment. They were late coming back (thanks to the elevator), but not more than fifteen minutes. Bridget was sure that Billie wouldn't mind so much. She got the door open and held it open for Phin once she walked in.
Billie didn't mind at all. She was a little worried sure, but she didn't mind extra time with the twins at all. Both Jeth and Penny were just about out cold for a nap, however, when the sound of the lock alerted them both. Billie was in the middle of yawning as Penny and Jeth both sat up straight, looked at each other and then pretty much dove off the couch and started to beeline for the now open door. Billie's eyes widened and she went after them. "Whhhhhooooooa no, no, no, no, wait! Gotcha!" she ended in a cheer as she skidded to a stop right in front of Phin, who had stopped in the middle of a step in order to keep from toppling over the kids, who were currently excitedly calling out for Phin and Bridget alternately as Billie tried to pick one up in each arm to get out of the way while they squirmed to get free.
Bridget let go of the door and smiled a little at the kids. It was a good way to wipe some of the sadness off her face. She reached out for Jeth, who was the closest, and took him from Billie so she wouldn't be so overwhelmed. "Hi," she said to everyone. She kissed the side of Jeth's head and looked at Billie. "Sorry we're late."
Billie had spotted the sad looks before each Panda parent had wiped them away to smile at the kids. She shook her head. "It's okay. We were just about to take a nap before you got back," she said as she relinquished her hold on Jeth and then stood up straight with Penny. Penny was making sad, frustrated noises since Jeth got held by one of their parents and she hadn't yet. She reached out for Phin cause he was close by and called him a couple of times too.
Phin frowned. He moved toward the closest end of the couch, leaning over and kissing Penny's cheek on the way. Billie followed him but Penny was getting impatient. The sad look on her face made Phin think of the one Bridget had been wearing. He set his cane down quickly and held his hands out and Penny nearly jumped from Billie's arms as she handed her niece over. Phin caught Penny and pulled her close down into his lap. He kissed her cheek and the side of her head a couple of times. "Hi, sweetheart," he smiled at her as she finally went back to smiling.
Billie looked between them both. "Soooo...how'd it go?" She scrunched up her face a little as braced for an answer. She probably shouldn't have asked but she was curious since she'd seen their faces. Phin kissed the top of Penny's head and looked from Billie over to Bridget.
Bridget had gotten a little caught up watching Phin and Penny, so it took her a moment to register what Billie had asked. She blinked and turned to look at her. "Oh, we've already held you up enough already," she politely dismissed her with a smile and shake of her head.
Billie arched an eyebrow. Phin, however, was already digging his wallet out of his pocket, one arm wrapped around Penny to make sure she didn't fall while she babbled away at him about their day. "Seriously, you don't have to pay me to have fun for a few hours with my niece and nephew y'know..." She insisted like she always did.
Phin rolled his eyes. "You're a college student. Stop trying to turn down money." he held the money out after putting his wallet away and made a comment about not making him get up. Billie gave in with a sigh and went over to take the money. She leaned over after putting it in her pocket to get a kiss and a hug from Penny and then gave Phin a hug too. "Thanks," He told her, for the babysitting. Billie nodded and then turned around and headed for Jeth and Bridget to say goodbye to them too.
Bridget gave Billie a quick hug and a thank you. She held Jeth up higher so he could give Billie a hug of his own. He gave her a kiss, too. It was all very cute. Bridget then followed her to the door to see her out since Phin was mostly immobile.
Billie chuckled at the kiss Jeth gave her and she gave him a kiss on the cheek back before she waved to Penny and walked with Jeth and Bridget to the door. She glanced between Bridget and what she could see of Phin again as she opened the door. "Call me if you need me," she offered in regards to babysitting of course. She pulled the door shut behind her. Phin was on the couch with Penny, talking to her as she tried to tell him about what they did while Billie was here.
"We will," Bridget confirmed with a nod. She thanked Billie again and shut the door behind her once she left. After locking up, Bridget walked back into the living room, having a conversation with Jeth similar to the one Phin was having with Penny.
"And then you guys were going to go to sleep, huh?" she asked once Jeth concluded his babble.
Penny looked up and nodded about the same time that Jeth did. "Hmmm...so maybe we should take a nap then since you're so tired..." Phin grinned at Penny and arched his eyebrows as he used one hand to reach out an tickle her, which sent her squirming all over his lap. The squirming part didn't feel so great on his leg but really a crease or two in his forehead were the only signs that he wanted to grimace even as he grinned and kept tickling her.
"Well, don't get her all worked up," Bridget shook her head. She looked at Jeth still at her side and pulled him closer. "How about I read you a story?" she offered.
Phin slowed the tickling down and then picked Penny up by her under arms held her up over his head a moment while she tried to catch her breath and giggled a few more times. He let his eyes widen as he pulled her down and kissed her cheek before he moved to hold her against his shoulder and side. He even made a little gasp. "Mom's gonna read you a story during the day?" He arched his eyebrows "You guys are spoiled rotten," he grinned as Penny nodded to answer his (and Bridget's) question with some nods as she finished catching her breath.
"All right," Bridget nodded. She moved closer to the couch and bent down to put Jeth on the other side of Phin. "Settle in. I'll go get a book."
Phin opened his arm up and wrapped it around Jeth as Jeth settled in at his side. He leaned over and gave Jeth a kiss or two since he hadn't gotten to yet. He talked to them some more as they settled down into his lap on either leg. They were definitely tired because both of them had moved to lean against him as they answered while they were waiting for Bridget's return.
Bridget returned with a beat up copy of a Dr. Seuss book, one that had belonged to her when she was a kid. It was one of her favorites, partly because it was fun to say the recite the rhymes. When she came back to the living room, she took off her coat and shoes and picked up Jeth so she could set him down on her lap as she sat down next to Phin. Once they were all set up, she held the book up so both kids could see and began to read.
Once Bridget had Jeth, Phin moved Penny to the other side of his lap so she was closer to Bridget and the book. He kind of got distracted with watching Bridget while she read the book. He couldn't help it. She was much better at being all animated when she read those books than Phin was, that was for sure.
Bridget definitely put her all into the reading, and she rarely stumbled over the tongue-twisters in the book. As she got toward the end, she glanced at Penny and Jeth, noting their varying stages of tiredness. Bridget looked up at Phin for a moment as she flipped the page. As she read the rest, she lowered her voice some and ran her free hand over Jeth's back.
Phin moved his hand absently through Penny's hair or over her back as she put her head down against him. He glanced at her a few times to see if she was still awake. She was out before the end of the book, so Phin settled his head back against the couch and watched Jeth, who seemed like he was fighting to stay awake until the end of the story.
Bridget noticed that too, but she kept a steady pace as she read along. Once she got to the end, she put the book down between her legs and Phin's and moved her hand over Jeth's hair. She could tell he was still partly awake, but mostly out of it. He probably hadn't even realized that the story was over. Bridget assured him that he could go to sleep now.
Phin smirked a little at Jeth's effort to stay awake. He stayed quiet while Bridget coaxed him to go to sleep. Eventually Phin and Bridget were the sole survivors of nap time. Phin could've used a nap actually. He looked over at Bridget though, waiting awhile because he didn't want to talk and wake either kid up. He gave her a (super) small smile, because it was hard not to do so when she had one of the kids in her lap and she'd just read a Dr. Seuss book.
Sometimes lately Bridget felt uncomfortable smiling back at Phin. Right now, though, she returned a smile even less perceptible than his own. "I can bring them to their rooms," she said quietly.
Phin shrugged a little. "Okay," He replied. "If you want to," he added. He didn't mind sitting with them awhile but he wasn't sure if that meant she wanted to talk more or not so he left it up to her.
Bridget nodded, but didn't move at first. She waited a little bit so Jeth wouldn't get back up right away. Once about fifteen minutes passed, she picked Jeth up and slowly moved to stand.
It sucked, for Phin, that he couldn't just stand up and carry Penny to her room. At least he got to sit with her for awhile, while Bridget brought Jeth to his room. He rocked a little with her when she shifted in her sleep, just to make sure she stayed asleep. He leaned over and kissed the top of her head too. Then he watched Bridget head up the hall until he couldn't see her anymore.
A few minutes after Bridget disappeared, she returned, ready for Penny. She stopped in front of Phin and leaned down to carefully lift her up. It was gradually getting a little harder to do so. The kids were getting big, quick.
Phin let go of Penny so Bridget could pick her up. The urge to kiss her was getting increasingly difficult, but he managed not to. The kids were definitely getting bigger. It was nearly impossible to lug both of them at one time and Phin had the longer, and bigger, arms. It was almost disturbing how big the kids were now actually, compared to how little they had been when they were born and all that.
And they were only going to get bigger. It was bizarre. Bridget lifted Penny and held her close against her shoulder. She looked at Phin with only a glance before she headed down the hall to put Penny in her own room. She came back out after a few more minutes.
Once Bridget was out of sight, Phin slouched on the couch some and leaned his head against the back of the couch and looked up at the ceiling with a sigh. He grimaced a little and moved to kicked his shoe off of his right foot and then took a moment to lift his leg up and rest his foot on the coffee table to stretch his leg out. He let out another little sigh and watched the ceiling for a few minutes as his brain started going again in circles.
Bridget stepped into the living room and stopped to watch the back of Phin's head over the back of the couch. She stood there with her hands on her hips for a minute or so before she spoke. "Are you hungry at all?" she wasn't particularly, but she had been doing her best to keep herself busy now that Phin's recovery was going well. Anything to keep them from spending long stretches of time alone together.
Phin thought about that for a moment. He shook his head. "I'm okay for now." he answered as he sat there wondering how long it would be before he had to return to his own separate apartment.
Bridget had thought about sending him back there many times, but she figured since they were going to try and see if they could make this whole marriage thing work, sending him away would be counterproductive. Plus he was still injured. And she wasn't eager to tear him away from the kids again just yet. So it was down to having him home (for now), but distancing herself from him when needed.
"All right," Bridget nodded, a little disappointed. She dropped her arms down to her sides and wondered what she could do to pass the time. The living room was a little messy, just because the kids toys were still out from playing with Billie. Bridget could clean. That sounded good. So she walked across the room and started doing just that -- picking items up off the floor and putting them back in their rightful places.
Phin watched her for awhile, feeling a little useless. He was torn between letting her do her own thing, offering help or just talking to her. "What do you think we should do for dinner tonight?" he asked to make conversation.
Bridget looked up at Phin as she dropped some blocks into their container. "I was planning on taking the leftover chicken and making fajitas."
Phin nodded a little. Fajitas were tasty. "Do we have everything we need for that?" Not that he could go to the grocery store but he could call and have stuffdelivered for later and then he'd have something to do. He didn't know what else to talk to her about either so.
Bridget nodded and kneel-crawled over to a wooden puzzle that had pieces strewn beside it. "I anticipated leftovers, so I got everything I needed for tonight at the store yesterday." Once she was in front of the puzzle, she sat back and tilted her head a little to the side as she studied it to put it back together.
Phin nodded and sat back again. Crap. Now what? He settled on watching her again for a few moments while she studied the puzzle. "There's a piece by your foot." he pointed to it.
"Hm?" Bridget lifted her head and looked at Phin for a moment before turning to look back by her foot. She saw the piece and reached back to grab it. "Thanks." She looked down at it for a few moments, and after nodding, put it in its right place at the topleft-hand corner of the puzzle. "I was looking for that one."
Phin smiled a little at the way Bridget was putting the puzzle together. He couldn't help it, she was all into it. He frowned a little in thought. Maybe he'd start with weekends. No work on the weekends and he'd start with one day a week to work from home so Bridget could have a day to herself to write (or probably shop).
It only took another minute or so before Bridget was done with the puzzle. She picked up the board and got up to carry it over to the one of the sets of shelves. Once that was put away, she turned around and surveyed the living room to see if there was anything else that needed tidying up. There wasn't. Well, there was a pile of magazines on the coffee table that could stand to be straightened into a neater pile. So she did that.
Phin was back to watching. He thought about turning the TV on to distract them but didn't want to make her think he was bored or...something. "Why don't you sit down and take a break before the kids wake up?" He suggested with an arched eyebrow. He looked at his leg a moment and then looked up at her. "I can go somewhere else if you want to lounge around out here without me." He offered.
Bridget straightened up and turned to look at him. She followed his eyes down to his leg and lingered there for a few moments before she looked back up again. "You don't have to go anywhere," she decided before she resumed adjusting some various items on the coffee table -- lining up the remotes, stacking the coasters, useless stuff like that.
Phin sighed and rolled his eyes a little. "I'm not completely invalid. I'm just slow." He told her as she went about fixing things. He hesitated a moment and then reached out for her forearm when she let go of the coasters. "Seriously, it's no big deal. I can stop invading your space if you need me too." She was acting all nervy, it's not like he couldn't see that and wasn't well aware of the signs after all this time and all.
Bridget stopped and turned her eyes down to her arm. "I know you can," she said, pulling her arm out of his hand as she reached ouch to push some hair behind her ear. "But I said you can stay. I, also, can go elsewhere if need be."
Phin pulled his hand back when she moved her arm free and set his hand down in his lap. He nodded a little and looked down to his hands in his lap and then moved his head back against the couch again, which brought him back to staring at the ceiling. So he closed his eyes. Why not? He might as well take a pseudo nap while the kids were out.
Bridget finished tidying up the coffee table and slouched her shoulders with a sigh. She looked down at the table to check it over and caught sight of Phin's leg again. She followed it all the way up to his face and his closed eyes. If only he hadn't fucked everything up. They could have been having a nice little kid-less moment together right now. She frowned and dropped down to sit on the edge of the coffee table, feeling pretty hopeless. She stared at the floor between the table and the couch, realizing she should probably start dinner to distract herself.
Phin opened his eyes when he felt the movement on the coffee table. He tried not to frown as he turned his eyes to look at Bridget. There were a lot of 'if's, but Phin had fucked up. He didn't hold out much hope that she'd find a way look past it and forgive him, honestly, but that didn't mean he wasn't eager and willing to try anything. He lifted his hand and patted the couch, not to necessarily mean she should sit in that spot but just that she should sit. "Bridge, seriously," He spoke as he looked at her. "Sit down and relax. We don't have to talk or anything just...relax before the noise starts again." She had to be tired after all, seriously, with the stress and emotional crap and all.
Bridget turned her eyes up to Phin and considered his proposal. She supposed she could sit for a little bit, and the couch was more comfortable than the coffee table. She picked up the television remote and moved to sit on the couch, almost a whole cushion's length away from Phin. She sat back and switched the TV on.
He frowned a little at how far away she sat, but just turned his eyes to the TV instead of saying anything. What could he really say anyway? He couldn't really blame her for not wanting him to touch her. That thing he'd said about being lonely before? That didn't even compare to how lonely he felt on a pretty much daily basis. It was better now, while he was in the apartment with the kids and all too, but when he'd been in his apartment by himself and away from all of them it was pretty maddening. So, anyway, he lapsed into silence and looked at the TV but wasn't really watching anything she flipped to.
Bridget was just channel surfing. Nothing really caught her interest until she flipped to one of the sports channels, where a news show was having a round up of recent boxing matches. Bridget decided to keep it there to see if they'd mention her older brother at all. Plus there was nothing better on. She lowered the remote to her lap.
Phin watched the screen, obviously knowing why she'd stopped there.
The reporter moved onto the next subject without any mention of Neil Smith. Bridget's shoulders slumped just a little bit. Oh well. She didn't bother changing the channel as the guy went on to talk about basketball.
It was kind of funny that Neil was all sensitive and was a boxer. Seriously. Anyway, he watched Bridget's shoulders slump and looked back at the TV. "Has he had any fights lately?" he asked.