Elian "Ray" Decatur : מטטרון (fleshlikeflame) wrote in monte_rpg, @ 2012-08-09 16:28:00 |
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Current mood: | awake |
[PRIVATE]
Dear Father,
I feel like I must be doing something wrong. Because every day, I feel like giving up. I feel like quitting. Shutting myself off from the rest of the world, and You, and just sitting here. I know for a fact that there are so many things to be happy about. The fact that I'm alive. The fact that I am what I am, and that You allowed me to come here and study among people with similar situations. I love the people here, even at their worst. I've seen so much, just from my little online window. Their complexities, their trials, their loves and losses. It's the sort of thing you could write a series about.
But I have to be doing something wrong. I see venues to socialize, and I can't. I won't. I think about it. Inviting a friend out, or getting to know someone. Talking with them. But I have no motivation to do so. Maybe it's my fault for being so inwardly focused. Maybe someone out there could use a good word or two, and I fail to give it to them because I feel like this all the time.
The pain in my back makes it hard for me to want to get going sometimes. It's an effort beyond efforts to get out of bed in the morning. Not that this is entirely new, or something I'm not accustomed to, but it wears on my patience and my strength. I start every day feeling angry. Frustrated. Wondering why it has to be like this. I know we're supposed to have trials we get over, and things in our lives that are difficult so we can grow stronger, but when that trial wears on every single day, and never lets up, there's nothing to 'get over'. I just get so angry, at You and everything else, and that's not my place.
I love you. I'm trying hard to keep...not exactly happy, but at the very least, personable. But what did I do?
I'm going to have to do some thinking. Some socializing, perhaps. I'll keep trying. But I can't try forever. I don't know what I can do other than that.
[Gabriel]
Would you like to do something sometime? As friends. I feel as if I could use one.
[Public]
What's the most interesting thing to have happened to you this summer?