Who: Martha Jones and Tony Stark What: Checking up on and Talking to Tony When:The Morning after Drunk Bowling (August) Where: Tony’s Room, Compound Status: COmpletes WARININGS: Discussions of Alcoholism
At some obnoxious hour of the early morning Martha had gotten an alert from FRIDAY that the bowling party, including Tony, had returned to the compound. It had been an alert she’d requested because knowing where Tony was after a night like that was preferable given what she needed to do the next morning.
When she’d first started working in the medbay, she’s spent a week going over every single medical file in the system. Tony’s had worried her. His history with alcohol dependence, the length of time before he’d gotten sober. All of this had set off red flags last night. She’d been aware that he’d been drinking before then, but last night had been on an entirely different level. She’d was grateful to Sam and Rhodey for keeping an eye on him, but now it was Martha’s turn.
“FRIDAY, open the door please.”
“I’m afraid I can’t, Dr. Jones. Sir has left strict instructions-”
“FRIDAY, open the door. Emergency medical protocol,” Martha’s voice took on a much sharper tone and the AI seemed to falter for a moment before finally accepting the instruction.
Martha clutched the bag of supplies she’d brought tighter as she walked into Tony’s quarters. She knew Pepper wasn’t there, having seen her earlier. What she’d be walking into? There was no way of knowing, but she was certain it wouldn’t be anything she hadn’t seen before.
He wasn’t awake yet, and so she started unpacking the bag, getting an IV drip, several bottles of water, a high proof vodka and several other odds and ends out of her bag, keeping her eyes off the nearly-naked man on the bed. When he woke up this would be awkward.
~~~~~~
Tony was sleeping ‘peacefully’ with his face buried in a pillow and another over his head. He was in his boxers, looking content enough with various clothes scattered about the floor- and drool pooling around his mouth.
When someone came in, he immediately rolled over. “Ugh, Pepper, turn off the light.”
When Pepper didn’t answer, Tony opened an eye and winced, then blinked. He stared at Martha for a long minute before mumbling. “You’re not my fiance.”
There was some disappointment there. Then he realized he was in his underwear. And he looked confused and almost panicked. “Wait- why are you here?”
~~~~~~
Well he was up. Which meant that it was time. Her demeanor was completely professional as she reached over and pushed one of the water bottles she’d brought closer to him.
“Several reasons,” she said, indicating the water bottle, ignoring his state of dress. She’d become good at this over time. “Firstly, the hangover you’re currently suffering from. You reportedly had enough to drink last night that there was no question that you’d have one. I had FRIDAY monitoring your vitals starting when you arrived back.”
She then grabbed one of the water bottles and took a drink herself. This was going to be a long morning. “The other part was for a conversation that, as your doctor, couldn’t wait.” She paused and indicated the bottle again. “You should have some.”
~~~~~~
Tony winced and glared at her. “You had FRIDAY monitoring me? Dr. Jones, are you sure that’s ethical?” He was kidding, of course. He also took the water without argument, drinking down a bottle quickly once he sat up. He was used to hang overs and knew too well how to nurse them.
“Ugh, what’s the conversation?” He had a feeling he knew where this was going. Did Pepper approve of this? He was going to have to talk to her. And Jones.
“I’m fine. It was one night.”
~~~~~~
“I’ll have you know that when it comes to my patients’ well being, I’ll use the methods at my disposal,” she replied with a pleasant, if not concerned look.
Once the water bottle was gone, Martha drew out a shot glass from her bag and poured half a shot of the vodka she’d brought. She handed it to Tony. “Counter intuitive, I know.” And she did. But a little hair of the dog actually worked as the body was more or less in alcohol withdrawal at the moment. She placed a bottle of sports drink next to him and folded her hands in her lap.
“This may be the first night you’ve had a hangover, but your drinking has increased. In just the time since I’ve been here, I’ve noticed it and I’m certain other people have as well.” But they didn’t have access to his medical records. They didn’t know his history with the stuff. “I’m not here to shame you or shake my finger, you’re a grown adult. But this is a very stressful situation and you, Tony, are extremely stubborn.”
That was putting it lightly.
“Which is why I figured ambushing you like this would be the best option. Before you could lock yourself in your lab for the day.” She paused and took a sip of her own water, her face softening with serious concern for the man she’d started considering a friend. “So I’ve come here to talk, or to listen, to give you someone to scream at if you need to.”
Because with Tony’s history, plus the stress of what had been happening lately, if he didn’t figure this out this would only get worse.
~~~~~~ He glowered at her. That was the best word for it. He was glowering. He wanted to say something rude or condescending, but instead he just took the shot then reached for the sport’s drink. He knew she was right. He just hated it.
“You know, you’re worse than Happy.” He didn’t look thrilled as he sat back against the headboard and glared at her.
“So, have at it.”
~~~~~~
Unfortunately, glowering, glaring and the like did little to phase the doctor at this point in her career. If she had five pence for every time a patient had done that, she’d have enough to retire on. She was also used to stubborn hero types who either refused to take care of themselves or didn’t think they needed to because they literally couldn’t die. So she ignored it. Instead tilting her head and waiting for Tony to finish.
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” she answered, a bit too cheerfully, not matching his tone at all.
Clearly he was expecting a lecture, even though she said that she wasn’t here to give one. She wasn’t a therapist, though she’d done one round in her residency, but she knew the start of a spiral when she saw it. Best to head it off. Someone had to start the conversation.
“What’s going on, Tony?” Martha asked, laying her question right on the table. “And don’t tell me it’s that posting or the president’s visit. You’ve been drinking more heavily lately. Not to the extent of last night after the posts. But it’s been escalating.” She paused, looking at the man. He looked… tired. Like he’s slept but hadn’t. “When’s the last time you had a break from the compound?”
~~~~~~
She was right. He hated that she was right. He was falling back on old habits, something he’d promised Pepper he was working on. And he was! But things just kept happening and it was easier sometimes to sleep with a drink than to stay awake late at night thinking. There was always something to do- another thing to fix. Someone else to save.
It was exhausting.
And then, there were the nightmares. Thanos. The blip. Death. It was haunting, and it bothered him more than he usually let on. All of this was a lot. In a few months, he went from the worst problem being Steve Rogers and the Accords to being responsible for the goddamn universe.
Literally, the weight of it was on his shoulders. And to realize his destiny was to die? To have a kid and not see her grow up? All of it was a bit much.
“I don’t know- maybe the fate of the universe is on my head. The fate of everything. And getting away wouldn’t help - it would make it worse.” He grumbled. “You don’t think I want to walk away? Because that’s exactly what I want to do. Every day. But I can’t. I can’t because people are relying on me here. On this!” He looked around his dark room and winced.
“Even if they don’t realize it. It feels like things are always just ready to break at any minute.” ~~~~~~
The words were familiar, almost too familiar. Not exact by any stretch of the imagination, but she remembered the same timber, the same tone. The same questioning and the same feelings had been hers not that long ago. In the dark of night, when she was alone, lonely, terrified and far from home, the weight of everything that had been asked of her, tasked of her came to call and the doubts that she dared not speak aloud made themselves known in her head.
“I think you’re overwhelmed and you don’t have an outlet. You’ve taken a responsibility you didn’t ask for but has landed in your lap. Whether you wanted it to or not,” she said rather frankly. Her tone didn’t make light of it, quite the opposite, her voice spoke of her experience, what she knew only too well. “You’re not sleeping well, if at all. The hours you do are usually haunted by the future you know will await if you fail. And every day, every step, everything you learn and see and do just adds more logs to the pile and there is no one you can talk to, because no one can possibly understand.”
~~~~~~
“...Yup,” Tony replied to her description. It was pretty dead on. He stared at her with those dark eyes, studying her then seeing past her for a second. She did understand. Somehow, but he wasn’t going to ask right then and there.
Huh.
“So what do you recommend, Jones? Cause drinking myself into a stupor didn’t help- but it’s the best option I have right now.” Half-joking. He knew better. He wasn’t going to risk losing Pepper over this. She was his anchor point. Her and Morgan- future Morgan. Would-be-Morgan.
All of it.
~~~~~~
“It’s the worst option you have,” she countered, honestly. “The alcohol isn’t going to make things go away. It’s just going to put it off for a few hours before it comes back.”
Thus the reason he’d start spiraling downward. Drinking binges would become a backslide into full blown alcoholic relapse. If he stayed drunk, Tony wouldn’t have to deal with any of it. But he also wouldn’t deal with the life falling apart around him.
“I want you to talk to me about what’s bothering you. Actually talk, and not that patented Tony Stark sarcasm you hide behind.” Martha’s voice was firm but gentle, invoking the doctor she was. “A lot’s gone on the last few months. You’ve practically been running this whole operation since day one, that would put a lot of strain on anyone. And that’s without Thanos, the stones, the Avengers, and whatever you found out about your own future.”
~~~~~~
“But at least I had a good time?” He was kidding, cracking a smile and raising an eyebrow even though he knew it was probably going to be me met with a glare or worse- sympathy. Ugh.
He was quiet as he thought about all of it. Talk? What was he supposed to say about it all that he hadn’t told Pepper or someone else? It felt like he was rehashing things again and again, and that didn’t do good. Everyone knew, right? It wasn’t like was hiding his feelings.
Kind of...
“What do you want me to say? I’m tired, overworked, stressed, scared to death for everyone and myself? That I’m having an existential crisis about the universe? That every goddamn day feels like more is being put on my shoulders because- yes, it is! Is that what you want?” Because it was true. All of it was true. ~~~~~~
However, Tony got neither. Instead, Martha just looked at him and nodded with a small frown. He was hiding behind humor. A defense mechanism. The trauma ran deep, that much she could tell. It was uncomfortable for him to approach. It was easier to make light.
And then there it was. The words were harsh, almost angry, but it showed again how uncomfortable he was discussing this. Which just meant Tony needed to all the more.
“It’s a good start,” she replied with a small nod of encouragement. She let a few beats pass, letting the silence in the room distil some of the tension before continuing. “What is it that keeps you up at night?”
~~~~~~
God, he hated this. “Since when did you become a licensed therapist?” Wasn’t that Sam’s job? Goddamnit. Tony avoided Sam for a reason. He was quiet a long moment before looking down.
“All of it.” He muttered. “Mostly the thought of losing Pepper and Morgan. Or of leaving them behind. Peter. Darcy.” He dwelled on his inevitable demise a lot lately. Knowing he’d made that call- it was because he needed to protect his family. Yeah, sure, it was to save the universe, but also he couldn’t let that asshole hurt his family.
And, if he was hard pressed to admit it he had to do it. For everyone. He made the sacrifice play. And it bothered him, even if it probably wouldn’t happen again. Because he knew he’d do it in a heartbeat in the future if there was no other choice.
“Everyone is counting on me. I’m not the guy anyone should count on.” ~~~~~~
She didn’t answer, instead kept listening intently. Tony’s answers were along the lines of what she’d expected. In some way knowing one’s future was a blessing, the direction you chose, what you’d achieve. But when it came to the sudden and the inevitable, even for those who chose the sacrifice, it was hard. Martha had lived with the knowledge of Jack Harkness’ future and possible death as the Face of Boe (assuming that, as the evidence seemed to point it was him), for more than a decade. He was one of her closest friends and she hadn’t told him anything about it or his role in the event that brought them to the end of the universe for precisely this reason.
And Tony was dealing with it now.
“And you’re afraid that you’ll let them down,” Martha summarized. “In spite of evidence to the contrary, with everything you’ve done: with the portals, the displaced and taking the lead with the Avengers?”
~~~~~~~
Tony was quiet for a moment, staring out toward the window- the curtains were closed and light didn’t come in. Still, it would have been nice to have an excuse to not look at her. He should tell FRIDAY to open them up. Ugh.
“Yeah, well it wouldn’t be the first time I let someone down, would it? Look at me right now.” He smirked, indicating his hung-over status.
“The future’s changed, Martha. This isn’t the same path toward Thanos- there might not even be a Thanos. No guarantee. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
~~~~~~
“And who have you let down exactly?” Martha parotted his statement back at him as a question. “Because what I’m seeing is someone who’s dealing with something before it gets to the point where it becomes a larger problem.” She paused for a moment, letting the words sink in. “You’re having a conversation about it, Tony. If you were that far gone, you would have tried to end it already.”
Insecurity, doubt and the little voices in the little voices in the back of your mind. When one had the weight of the world on their shoulders, the knowledge that the smallest of mistakes could cost you everything made you doubt your every move and every step. Martha knew it too well.
“Time isn’t a straight line, a friend of mine who is very well versed likes to refer to it as a ball of ‘wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff’.” she offered him a wry smile. “The future isn’t set in stone. Especially not now. But alright.” She nodded. “There’s no guarantee. No guarantee of what? Of success? Of the Snap never happening? What is it there’s no guarantee of? Because we have all hands working on this and all the other issues.”
~~~~~
“Uh, everyone.” Tony answered her question about letting people down. “You read about me before this? Before the Avengers? Stark Industries did some bad things, Martha.” Horrible things. “Where do you think all of this came from?”
And Tony had spent almost ten years trying to clean up after it. He sighed and rubbed his eyes again. “Look. I get it. You’re a doctor and you’re worried and I’m sure that Pepper appreciates it. But I’m fine. I’ll be fine.” He smiled.
“Now can you please get out of my room so I can put on some pants? Unless you want to see the show, in which case I’m going to have to charge you.”
~~~~
“Everyone’s done things they’re not proud of. I caused a man to open a watch, set an alien madman loose and caused an extinction-level event on my earth.” Her tone left no question that this had happened. “We were able to reverse it, but millions died, even more were enslaved and now only a handful of people remember.” She let it linger there for a moment before adding, “Those who know the darkness well have trouble realizing they’re close to the light. You say you let people down, but what I see is a man who hasn’t realized that his past doesn’t define his future. You can tell yourself that you’ve cocked it up, but you haven’t. You’ve spent your time as Ironman trying to make up for your own past, protect the world the way your products help destroy parts of it?” she already knew the answer, it wasn’t really a question. “Tony, it will never feel like enough, but trust me, you have. All I see is a good man, one who doesn’t like to admit it, but a good man nonetheless.”
Martha rolled her eyes with a skeptical frown. “You know I’m used to people who say that and it means the exact opposite, yeah?” But she didn’t push beyond that.
“Like you just said, I’m a doctor. It isn’t anything I haven’t seen before.” Still she stood up and packed up the items she’d brought with her.
~~~~
He listened to her speaking, and he appreciated it. She wasn’t trying to make him feel better. She clearly believed it. Problem was, Tony wasn’t sure he believed it, yet. Martha was a good woman. She wanted to help people- hell, that’s why she had become a doctor he assumed. And what she described was kind of outrageous, but he was learning to believe things that should blow his mind. So why not?
“Kind of sounds like you’re a reformed mega-villain when you put it like that.” He muttered, staring at her. “But...fine.” He swept his blankets back, in his tighty-whities as he got up without shame to stumble over to find a fresh set of pants and a shot from the closet- he should probably shower, though. Yeah. Shower, then change. Yeah.
He turned to start toward the bathroom. Then he paused and looked at her.
“....I appreciate it, by the way. I mean, you caring.”
~~~~
Tony’s words caused her to shake her head, but she let them go. The rest of her story would be another time. This wasn’t about her, it was about him. “Not really, but some true stories are more unbelievable than you might think.”
She finished gathering up her supplies, before turning back to the man with a small smile. “You’re my friend, Tony, not just my patient. There’s no possible way I wouldn’t care. It means I’m doubly invested in your well being.”
~~~~
He gave her a look before slowly cracking a smile then shook his head. Right. Friends. He had those. It was easy to forget sometimes with everything weighing on him and everyone shouting at him. “Thank you.”
Two words. But they were a lot coming from him.
~~~~
Martha offered him a small smile, and a nod of her head as she moved to push the door to his unit open.