Tim Drake-Wayne (akarobin) wrote in momadness_log, @ 2021-07-16 19:19:00 |
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Entry tags: | dc: dick grayson, ~inactive: tim drake |
Who:Tim and Dick
What:Much needed brother comfort <3
When:Backdated shortly after his mental break
Where:His room
Warnings: talk of traumas
Status:Complete
Tim had come down from his whatever that was..panic attack? Sure felt like one. The world had collapsed in on him and he felt like he couldn’t breathe in that complex-or any of them for that matter. Come late Monday night, practically Tuesday morning, he slipped into the shared house with Wally and Dick. He looked a little worse for wear, wasn’t exactly doing great in spite of coming off his panic attack. He was worn out, obviously hadn’t slept at all and went straight for his room. The things in his head were a little clearer now than they had been when he’d disappeared.
He had half a dozen messages to return, but was overwhelmed by all of it. The phone was placed down on his bed side table and he rubbed a hand on his face. His door was left open this time, but he hadn’t touched anything inside. He wasn’t sure where he fit, if anywhere in that place. When he tried to be happy the rug was pulled out from under him. He was almost afraid to try anymore.
He'd heard the front door open and close, and Tim's footsteps trail across the apartment to his room. Beside him Wally was running in his sleep, but Dick managed to slide out of bed without waking him. He'd decided to stay in Wally's room for the night, just to have company. Besides, his own was a wreck after he'd drunkenly ransacked it post Steve's party, trying to find a particular set of pajamas, which he'd fixated on wearing. (He found them in the laundry hamper the next morning.)
Leaning against the door frame at the threshold of Tim's room, he watched as his little brother set his phone aside. "Welcome back." Dick's voice was soft, partially due to the hour and not wanting to spook the younger Robin. "You look exhausted." Stepping into the room he took a quick visual assessment of Tim's physical wellbeing, he didn't look like he'd injured himself, which was a relief. "Do you want to try and get some sleep? We can talk later."
No, Tim wasn’t injured. He hadn’t gone that far, but he wasn’t exactly happy either. He just existed there. At least that was what it felt like to him all things said and done. Dick was probably one of the few who could sneak up on him so he appreciated the quiet tone and just offered a small smile. “Thanks.” He didn’t bother plugging the phone in just yet, but at least it was on. That was a start.
“Not sure I can sleep.” It had been hard enough at the start, but now he was riding on adrenaline. “I don’t really feel like being alone anymore.” There was room if he wanted to join him, to sit or whatever. “I’m sorry.” He started first, knowing Dick worried. He hadn’t even thought about disappearing, it wasn’t some preplanned thing. It’d just happened. Beside the table there was also the note from Sam which he’d seen but hadn’t touched yet. The appointment he’d tried to make for himself before things went sideways.
That second sentence was all it took to have Dick moving further into the room and settling himself down on Tim’s bed. He would have pulled his little brother into a hug, but settled for resting his arm over his shoulders instead. It would be much easier for Tim to shrug him off that way if the contact was too much for him just then. “I can stay as long as you need.”
Dick worried about all his siblings, it was only natural, and being the oldest he felt somewhat responsible for them when Bruce wasn’t around. So the apology wasn’t truly necessary, but it was accepted nonetheless and Dick smiled. “I get wanting to escape from everything and everyone, especially when things are too overwhelming, but if you do feel that way again, maybe let someone know you’re going out? Babs was ready to send out search and rescue.”
Glancing at the note, he wondered for a moment if he should visit Sam himself (he’d seen the counsellor slip the paper under Tim’s door), but reasoned that presently he was coping okay. “Can I ask you something, Tim? And just know that I won’t judge your answer at all. When you wanted to know how you could tell you were in love with someone… Was your someone Connor?”
Tim was still pretty receptive to affection in spite of the recent mental trauma. He didn’t push him away at all, in fact he did the opposite and leaned into the embrace. Dick was one of the few who could likely get away with that just now. The guy had accepted him as family when he didn’t have to, and Tim craved that. “At least I remembered the auto message?” He tried with a faint smile, he hadn’t wanted them to think that the portal had taken him too and he was completely gone. Or that something worse had happened. “I don’t even remember leaving though. I remember finishing at Starks and then just..nothing until Miles found me.” Like his brain had just shut down entirely and gone into autopilot. All he could do was the bare minimum to make sure people knew he hadn’t entirely vanished.
He paused at the question, not sure how to answer it at first. Dick was with Wally, while it had been a little jarring at first Tim accepted it. They seemed good together, so who was he to question it. Nobody had asked him how he actually felt about Connor, so he had to consider the words. “I think he was. But now all I see..” His tone was barely audible. He couldn’t say the words in the end, but all he saw was his friend dead in his mind. He’d been there to see it first hand. “I didn’t get to tell him.”
As Tim shifted closer, Dick wrapped both arms more securely around his brother. Letting him take all the physical comfort he needed in that moment. He hadn’t had to think twice about accepting each Robin as family when they came along, even Dami. “Yeah, you did.” Dick smiled back, “Thanks for remembering that so we didn’t think you’d gone home.” While he was grateful to Miles for finding Tim, there was a part of him which felt bad for not being able to find his brother himself. Again, that sense of responsibility he felt for him had kicked in and he had a hard time reconciling the pressure he put on himself to be the best brother to all of them.
“That’s exactly how I felt when we lost Wally to Abra Kadabra. But only for a short while, I guess I was lucky in that respect, all memory of him was wiped from our minds… So I didn’t know who I was missing, but there was this ache that I couldn’t place.” He shook his head then, pushing back his melancholy to focus instead on Tim’s. “It’s difficult, figuring out your sexuality, I think even more so when you’re in our line of work. We don’t have much down time to get to know ourselves or be normal teenagers.” He sighed, “I’m sorry. I really am.”
Jason had automatically hated him. So he was glad Dick had accepted him. He'd always deep down been a little worried that he'd be pushed away at some point. Curling his legs up a bit as he leaned into his arms, he just listened to him. The sound of his voice was comforting after the void of nothing he'd felt the last few days. "I try to move on and I can't. I'm just stuck on a loading screen I can't get past." He started to feel content with everyone there, but suddenly one was gone and it was like a cold shock to his system.
"I kissed Cassie and Steph at one point.. And it felt wrong. Bad actually.. And not because she was bad at it or anything. " They hadn't moved past that. Tim was so hung up on Conner that he tried anything just to feel again after he'd died. The corner of his eyes were wet with a few silent tears he couldn't stop." I was trying to replicate his DNA and bring him back before I got pulled here…" Tim had been obsessed with it. "I don't know how to make this stop." That feeling that Dick had described was so accurate, but he knew who he was missing so he wasn't sure what was worse.
If Tim wanted to curl up on his lap, Dick wasn’t about to stop him. He was relieved that his brother was feeling comfortable enough to be getting back a little normalcy after his ordeal. He knew exactly how Tim was feeling, trying to take steps forward with your life when your mind kept hindering you was one of the most difficult challenges to face. “It’ll get better, eventually. Talking to Sam will help. But you have to really talk.”
A little nod followed the revelation about Steph, he remembered the two having a very brief something a while ago to him. “It was probably too soon, or you just might not feel that way about Steph, or women. But you have time now to figure that out.” Being further along their timeline than Tim or Babs wasn’t the easiest, and he had to be careful about what he said. “I’m not sure replicating his DNA would be the way to do that. The Fortress would be his best hope.”
Cuddling his brother closer, Dick leaned his head against Tim’s, “I don’t think you can stop missing someone, sheer force of Will doesn’t work, I know that much. But trying to remember them at their best sometimes helps ease the pain.”
Tim was pretty content where he was for the time being. But if it struck him, he could be quite cat like when it came to sitting with Dick. Or anyone he felt that close with, which at the moment Dick was on the short list. “Felt like kissing a fish...Don’t tell them that if they show up.” Tim added, a little bit of his humor seemed to be returning. Just being there with Dick was helping. “I did it at the fortress actually..don’t ask how I got there.” He smirked slightly, Tim had his way when he really wanted something. He really wanted him back.
He let his eyes close for a minute as he leaned against him. “I’m glad you’re here.” Without Dick he wasn’t sure where he’d be at mentally. Dick understood these things and he didn’t have to go into so many details like he might with a new person. “I’ll try. Never really talked to any kind of shrink or whatever.” He admitted awkwardly as he reached to rub the tears away from one of his eyes.
He couldn’t help the little chuckle as Tim described how it felt kissing Steph, but soon sobered as the conversation went on. “You broke into the Fortress?” Dick’s eyebrows raised slightly at that, wondering if Kal had known and let it slide. Or if he really had no clue.
“Oh, Tim.” Lifting a hand, he carefully brushed the other escaped tears away with his thumb. “I’m glad I’m here too.” He knew how daunting it was, just the thought of spilling your feelings and fears with someone new. “It took me a couple of sessions before I actually felt like talking much when I went.” That had been years ago, after Mirage and Tarantula. Neither of whom he really spoke about to his brothers and definitely not Bruce, especially after Talia. “But honestly it will help and Sam seems like a good guy.”
Stifling a yawn, he cuddled Tim closer for a moment, “I’m not going anywhere, if you wanted another ear. Or just company, so you can sleep.”
“Wasn’t that hard. Well...maybe, but I wasn’t thinking about it. I called in a couple favors.” He wasn’t sure if Clark knew or not honestly. Knowing him, he did though. Tim wasn’t in a headspace to be bothered about anyone else at that point.
Tim leaned into his touch, he was glad Dick hadn’t decided to just shut him out after this. He’d been a bit worried he might but at least this was one less thing that he had to worry about. “You saw someone like Sam?” The adrenaline was starting to wear off, and Tim was left with very little energy to do much else other than lean into his brother's arms.
“Just stay with me?”
“I did. I was in a bad headspace, and I needed to know how I could see my panic attacks coming. They manifest differently for everyone.” While he spoke he carefully moved them both so they were laying down, though his arms were still around the smaller Robin. He figured it would be better in case Tim fell asleep suddenly after the adrenaline drop. “Unfortunately one happened and I didn’t realise… the person I was with took advantage and yeah, I wasn’t okay. But that was a long time ago and I am much better now.”
Tightening his grip a little he nodded, “Of course I will.”