Sharon Carter is a super spy (exshieldagent) wrote in momadness_log, @ 2023-03-19 11:27:00 |
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Entry tags: | marvel: loki odinson, marvel: sharon carter |
Who: Sharon Carter and Loki Odinson
What: Talking about their relationship
When: While Thor is missing
Where: Loki’s place
Warning: Low/None
Status: Completed via Gdoc
Sharon headed straight to Loki’s place when she saw his netpost. Truth was, she hadn’t had a reason to talk to Thor in a few days, so she hadn’t noticed that he was gone. She’d been keeping herself busy with work--there was always some paperwork or another to do to help the Asgardians in this world--and now felt incredibly guilty that she had been so unaware.
It didn’t take time to get to his place, then she leaned against the doorway and knocked quickly but firmly on the door.
–
Loki’s mind had been busy. Suddenly losing one half of the ruling team had demanded some restructuring. He had needed to get a grip on Thor's side of obligations and there was one part in particular which he dreaded: diplomacy with Midgard. While the older Odinson was a beloved hero, Odin’s youngest was anything but well received. When everyone already thought of you as a liar, it turned negotiations a little tricky. But in a way, all of these practical worries kept his mind on track. It made it easy not to think about the possibility that his brother might never return.
The knock ripped him out of his thoughts. He put the phone in his hand aside. “Come in, it’s open.”
–
Sharon opened the door and let herself into Loki’s home--a place she’d come to regard as home almost as much as her own place in New Asgard. She closed the door behind herself, toed her shoes off, and headed into the living room to find him.
“Loki?” She said softly, dropping her purse on an endtable. “You here?”
–
“Mmhmm,” he purred. His thoughts still with an earth filled with sugar. It was hard to shake. Could the red portals really have exchanged a Celestial with sugar? Did that even make sense? It sounded ridiculous. And sugar, it was a lot lighter than stone. Exchanging the Celestial with stone seemed to have left the rest of the world unchanged… sugar shouldn’t have the same effect, should it? He finally pulled himself out of his thoughts and blinked at Sharon from the armchair in the corner. “I have yet to run away. It is tempting though.”
—
That much sugar would absolutely have a devastating effect on the ecosystems in the ocean. At least, Sharon would assume so, if she had any idea what he was thinking. Of course, she didn’t. All she knew was that Thor was gone, and Loki was hurting. She moved into the room and bent down to kiss his cheek, lingering for a moment with her forehead against his.
“I dunno what I’d do if you did.”
Soon as the words came out, Sharon knew she meant them. They had trouble--boy, did they have trouble--but she loved him more than she could remember loving anyone or anything. Ever. It was terrifying how much he meant to her.
—
He wrapped his hands around her and drew her onto his lap. It was an easy gesture. One filled with comfort. “Well, I would hope you would run away with me.” The smile that followed was not as easy. He was wading into territory they had been avoiding for months now. Sex was fine. Anything beyond that seemed poisoned territory and by now he had avoided them for so long that it seemed dangerous to go back to it. There were things that stood between them, things he had placed there. And it was easy to pretend they weren’t there if he left them untouched.
—
Sharon slipped into his lap and settled down against him. She knew how close Loki and his brother were (even though they often claimed that they were not) so she had some vague idea of how difficult it was for them to be separated like this. Her job here with Loki was to be comforting, to help distract him if need be, or to simply stay in his place--in his arms if necessary.
But then something slipped out of him that brought their precarious situation to the forefront. The betrayal and subsequent poisoning of the space between them. Sharon’s heart thudded a little more quickly in her chest as she turned to look at him.
The response would you ask? was about to slip out of her in response. She caught it in time, though. Now was not the time for sarcasm, for snark. Now was the time for comfort.
She leaned in to press a soft, delicate, tender kiss against his lips. “Of course I would.”
—
Loki let out a deep breath and then let himself fall into his armchair. He drew her with him. His eyes wandered off as his mind dived once more into the uncertainty ahead. Fact was he did not want to rule alone. Yes, he hated the paperwork. Yes, he liked having someone to do the tasks he hated. But in the end that wasn’t it. As much as he was hesitant to admit it, he wanted to rule with his brother. For all of their lives, he had wanted to prove himself equal to Thor. It had been the biggest struggle of his childhood. Feeling unseen. Feeling not valued. Feeling that he did not live up to what he was supposed to be and the anger that followed at both himself and, more importantly, everyone around him. Inherently, there had been no ‘equal’. There was one throne and one son that would ascend to it. Either Thor would end up ruling over his younger brother or vice versa. The other would end up serving. But the Thor from this world had changed the game by offering his brother a spot next to him and Loki had upheld the notion when his brother vanished and was replaced by one from a different world. They were equal now and as frustrating as it might sometimes be when they disagreed, Loki would not want it any other way. He would miss his brother if he were lost forever and sometimes even his opinion had merits. They were better rulers together. As much as he struggled to admit that sometimes.
“I…” I don’t want to do this alone. It was the truth he could not speak. One that almost slipped out and escaped into a world where he could not chain it back into place. It was one even harder to speak when it became a real possibility and as quickly as this place sent people back to their worlds, it was always a real possibility here. “I could do with a drink, hmm? You want one too?” A smile that didn’t quite slip into a grin. His defense against his own thoughts. Lock them up in the depths of his mind without visits or the chance of parole.
—
Sharon knew. She’d figured him out, as sneaky as he’d tried to be. Loki couldn’t hide how he felt about his brother, about ruling, about family. At least, not from her. He thought he was putting on a good show--and maybe he was, for others. For himself--but she’d spent enough time watching him (obsessively, sometimes) to know what was going on there. And she loved that about him. She loved that he cared so much about his people, his brother. She loved that he wanted the best for them.
Still wrapped in his arms, against his chest, Sharon paused for just a moment, then nodded. “Whatever you want.” If he wanted to drink, she’d drink with him. If he wanted a shag, she’d give him one. She knew he’d do the same for her if she needed comfort and kindness. “Something strong?”
—
“I think it’s time for an Asgardian brew,” he said. He needed something strong and most things produced in Asgard either lacked the taste or the strength he was seeking. With a twist of his fingers a bottle of Asgardian mead and two glasses appeared at the side table next to the armchair. With Sharon right next to him, he had not dared to move. The connection with her was too precious to disturb. He poured them two glasses and took one to himself. “I’m glad you came.” It was a mumble. Directed at the glass but meant to Sharon. A moment later, he shifted in his seat. A physical manifestation of his discomfort. The statement was filled with vulnerability and their situation only made it worse. All the eggs were in her basket. All the cards in her hand. He had put them there. Carelessness. Betrayal. It was hard to admit how easy they came to him. In the past, he had felt them justified. Had deemed them meaningless. Just small deeds to amuse himself or big acts of vengeance for crimes others might not even have realized they had committed. He couldn’t pretend now and he wasn’t sure how to handle it.
—
Sharon nodded. She didn’t want to move. Being close up against his body was exactly where she wanted to be. (She’d grown used to the idea that he wasn’t warm--that his skin was practically cool to the touch. She was warm enough for the both of them.) Thankfully, he was able to bring the drinks to them, and she didn’t have to move.
A part of her felt guilty that she was enjoying being so close to him when she knew that he was suffering the loss of his brother to an uncertain fate. But she couldn’t help herself.
Sharon took the second glass and lifted it for a sip, but her hand paused at the sound of his voice. “Of course I came,” she offered gently. “You would have done the same for me, wouldn’t you?”
—
“If you would have wanted me to…” he said softly. There was no malice to that statement. Its simplicity hurt. It made him realise that maybe he needed her more than she needed him. He sighed and stared ahead. He raised the glass to his lips and took a slug of the mead. The burning sensation that followed was a welcomed distraction. Today had not been a good day.
—
In this moment? It was possible that he needed her more than she needed him. But it wasn’t the case in every moment. The time that she spent sequestered in Medical at the Avengers Facility had been supremely lonely due to that reason. She needed him more than she cared to put into words, and he hadn’t been there. She didn’t blame him, knowing what she knew now. Knowing that the reason she’d been put in Medical was his fault.
“There’s no one on this Earth or any other that I would want to more than you,” she said softly. It was true--she’d fallen head over heels for him, and the betrayal that came between them didn’t change that. It made her trust him a little less perhaps, and it certainly hurt… She may have hated him during some of that time, but she never stopped loving him.
“Loki,” she said after a long moment. “I don’t know how to…” She frowned just a little as she tried to find the words. Normally Sharon was good with words. She worked undercover, she was usually good at… this. But she was having a hard time getting her feet under her here. “...you must know how I feel.”
—
Loki was quiet for a moment, looking at his glass instead of her blond curls. “No,” he eventually said. The word fell out of his mouth with a gravity he hadn’t intended. “No, I don’t. We don’t really talk about anything, do we?” He scuffed, both angry at the situation and the fact that he had put them there. He tried to shift in his seat once more. But it was an awkward movement with her weight against his side and he slumped down again after an initial shuffle.
—
Sharon’s heartbeat quickened at his words. She felt… guilty. After everything they’d been through together, she should have been honest with him. What did she have to lose? As much as Sharon Carter prided herself on being a brave, independent woman, she felt absolutely petrified to come clean now. Still, bravery is not letting fear control you, right?
“No,” she responded. They really didn’t talk about things anymore, did they? Did they ever talk about things?
“Don’t you think we should?” She added, hopefully.
—
Loki sucked in a breath. He had guided them towards uncharted land, not knowing if they were to be greeted by friend or foe. But first signs were positive. He put down his drink and turned his focus wholly back to her. “I can’t promise I will be good at it,” he said, heart thumping in his chest as he braced himself for the way ahead. As easy as words came to him, they usually did not matter. The moment a conversation left room for vulnerability, he shut them down. “But I think we should.” He tilted his head, taking in the smell of her hair. “I -” He paused, unsure of where to take this. “Where are we headed?”
—
Sharon still held her own glass between her hands, though drinking was probably the furthest thing from her mind at the moment. She let her eyes meet his, their quickened heartbeats pounding out a matching rhythm in their chests. She lifted a hand to tuck hair behind her ear.
"You don't have to be good at it," she said softly. "You just have to be honest." She would be. There was no point in lying here. Not after everything. She swallowed. "Where do you want to be headed?"
—
Loki tilted his head to the side. “You know why I did what I did…” he said, realising that that might not be enough. But he couldn’t quite get himself to add what was needed. His gaze drifted once more to his glass. He swallowed, picked it up and gulped down half the remaining liquid. “My intentions haven’t changed.”
—
The emotion of the scene was a little awkward for Sharon. What she had in her heart hadn't changed, but admitting it to him? To herself? There was a hesitation. Not because of doubt, but because of fear. This was real. It meant everything. And she wanted it to go smoothly more than anything.
"So... was it some sort of... proposal?" Sharon asked gently. She motioned to her body--the Asgardian body she had now. The one she was now completely used to inhabiting. "You should ask me, Loki."
—
“What?” The word fell out of his mouth in confusion. He tensed, not quite sure where this was heading. While he had dreaded that this conversation would end in them parting ways, he hadn’t quite been ready to ever consider the total opposite. “It was…” Another swallow. “To give us… you know…” He spread his hands as if the answer was obvious.
—
The answer wasn't obvious to Sharon. She gave a gentle shake of her head when he moved his hands. "To give us... what?" She asked. There was a kindness there, a softness. She wanted to know what he was thinking, even when it seemed to be damn near impossible for him to admit it himself.
"What do you want from me?" She finally asked. This was definitely not where she wanted this to go. She'd come here with the intention of comforting him--giving him something else to think about, to take his mind off of Thor. This felt like she was pressuring him, making things awkward. But she wasn't going to give up this chance to finally get him to say what he wanted.
—
“More than this,” he said. He shifted again in his seat. “It was supposed to give us a chance at a future. More than a few years or even decades, if we wanted them. I didn’t mean to do… this to us,” he said. Then he sighed. “It’s not like it used to be…” He stopped short of turning it into a question. It wasn’t. “Can we ever go back to that?” His words were soft when they were uttered. That was on her. But he knew that it wasn’t a choice. The way that falling in love wasn’t. Trust didn’t mend because you wanted it to.
—
Sharon’s eyes went soft as they looked at him. Practically wrapped together on the sofa, she felt closer to him than she’d felt in a long time. He was being vulnerable--something she almost never saw him do. She would do absolutely everything in her power to keep this. Whatever this was, she wanted it. Yes, it was different from the way things were… but was that a bad thing?
Her hand came up to touch his cheek, fingertips gently running along his temple drawing him in to her. She was thirsty for him.
“No,” she responded. “Things are different now. But… that doesn’t make them bad or worse.” She wanted more than they had before. Isn’t that what he wanted? Isn’t that why he’d given her this gift?
—
The touch distracted him. Instincts kicked him and they screamed at him to follow the touch. He wanted to lean in for a kiss, wanted to get lost in her smell, in her taste and the sounds she made when they moved together. No. This was important. Especially now that Thor was absent. He didn’t have many beside the pair. He sighed, annoyed with his own self-control. “And you are content with this?” For him, it felt like he was walking on eggshells. Keep to the small talk to avoid crossing boundaries. Small talk and sex. That was what they had. “Mind you, the sex is great.” Dry, deadpan voice. A smirk followed. It was the truth. But he felt himself wanting more than that. He wanted to know more about her life. Everything around them seemed fragile. People vanished regularly. He had already lost so many in the two years he had been here. And maybe that made the distance between them the safest option? Hurt a little every day instead of a lot when the time came.
—
Sharon couldn't help herself; she chuckled at that. "The sex is great," she responded. It was a little more detached than it'd been before, but they knew each other's bodies, wants and desires so well from all the times they shared before the madness. The love was buried deep, but the sex without it was almost as good as it had been with the love on the forefront. For Sharon, anyway. She could love him without him actively loving her in return.
She could have but she wouldn't have that anymore. Now she wanted it all.
"But no." She shook her head, the honestly pouring out of her now. It was time. "I'm not content with this. I want more."
–
A tension settled into him. I’m not content with this. It was exactly what he had wanted to hear but at the same time, a notion of discontent was not easy to process. He relaxed shortly after and then… then he didn’t quite know what to do. Her comment about a proposal was certainly on his mind and it came with the realization that he had no idea about Midgardian relationships. Many had gotten married. Many who had started dating later than them. Was that the rule? Was that the ‘more’ Sharon was talking about? The thought unsettled him. He had always assumed that one day he would be married. He had been a prince of Asgard and as such it would eventually be his duty to have a family of his own. Wife. Children. The rest would be up for discussion and Loki was used to having the more convincing voice. A doting wife. Children who excelled at every task handed to them and who would most importantly outshine their cousins. And then maybe a few extra things on the side. On his side. Not hers. Odin’s son would of course be enough. Why would she need someone else if she had a prince in her bed?
He opened his mouth, ready to say something. “Uhm… “ He grimaced in his uncertainty. “And what more do you exactly want?” They had never defined what they were. They had never talked about the possibility of other partners or monogamy. Both were common forms in Asgard. Asgardian relationships shifted and morphed over time and with the needs of the people involved. Asgardian lives were long and most knew each other. Midgard was different.
—
Sharon came from a really traditional, Episcopal household. Her parents were married, faithful, and deeply in love for her whole life. Many of her friends came from nuclear families. It was what she thought of when she thought of "family." After the events of the Blip, and her time in Madripoor, her vision of the world changed. She still had that idea in mind when it came to family, and she wanted it eventually… or, something like it, anyway. She wanted to be a mom. She wanted to be a wife. She had no idea what that would look like for her now. Was it just a fantasy? An idyllic perfection that couldn't possibly be reached?
"I want to know what's going on between us. You did this thing to me, and then left me alone to deal with it, and I don't know what it means. If you want me it makes sense, but if you don't want me, then why change me?"
Frustrated, she climbed up off of his lap and reached for the glass again. It only took two swallows to down the burning liquid.
Wincing from the burn, she turned to pace the living room. Sharon hated herself for making this about her rather than about him. She was here to console him, after all, and now she was upset herself.
--
Now that left him confused. He thought she had been in a good mood and suddenly it had changed. He blinked at her. And then came her speech and it made him shrink insight of himself. It was true. He had been thoughtless and careless. Hearing it for the tenth time or more hadn't made it any better. He sighed. "Of course, I want you. What about this conversation made you think I didn't?" He had no idea. Felt on trial for a crime that hadn't been revealed to him. "We were never able to have an outlook. I wanted the chance at a future together."
—
After a moment, Sharon stepped back over to him and held out the glass. More, please. She thought the addition of the alcohol was helping. Would help, the more she had.
Seemingly deflated at his words, she sighed. The anger and frustration was appeased by his admission, even though it still didn't feel like enough. "And now that we do? What does that make us? Where do we stand? You have to guide me through all this, Loki. I may be Asgardian now, but I was raised here on Midgard. I don't know how to do this your way."
–
Loki's confusion remained. He poured her the next glass. "I - uhm, how about you answer my original question?" He felt he had walked into some sort of trap. Something about his original question had set her off. "This isn't just about my way. And if my brother reappears, he might not believe that I said those words…" A small smile. An attempt at humour to ease the situation. There were some extra complications in the future. He wasn't just anybody. There was a title and duty attached to him. There would be a title and duties attached to whoever would become his wife or husband. And then there was the eventual need for an heir. And by the speed with which people vanished that need might be more pressing than his long life would usually make it. He had never thought about it before and even right now, he would rather not touch the thought.
—
Always mindful of manners, Sharon gave him a gentle thank you when he refilled her glass. She lifted it to sip again, but not gulp down the entire thing this time. A gentle sip, to keep her hands and lips busy while her mind raced. Things were so much simpler when they were just fucking. This got complicated, and fast.
But she had hope. She imagined that this could be wonderful once they got past the complicated.
"Any minute either or both of us could be swallowed by a portal, or cease to exist in any number of ways," Sharon said. "I don't want to waste time. I want to know this is real-- that we're going to take it seriously." She paused, briefly. "Because I take it seriously. I'm all in. I want you to be all in with me."
–
A part of Loki regretted having stirred the conversation into this direction. "All in? I can't just marry you and make you queen." He didn't want to either. But it made sense to him that that was what she was talking about. A dread settled into him. If it was between that and losing her, he wasn't sure what to choose.
—
Sharon narrowed her eyes. Her voice was low and dangerous. "If you think I'm only with you because I want to be queen, then you don't know me at all."
She downed the rest of the drink and set the glass aside on an end table. Her eyes remained on the glass as she felt the warmth from the alcohol starting to spread through her. A part of her wanted to leave--to run away. She felt confused and embarrassed, almost ashamed of wanting more from him than he was willing to give. Then again, wasn't that the case from the start? She had always been more invested in… whateverthiswas than he was. It shouldn't come as a surprise at all. "You did this to me so we could have a chance at a future together. Now you make it sound like you're not interested in that at all."
–
"I didn't say that," he said, staring at her. "I… Sharon, it doesn't matter whether you would want to become queen or not, you would be." He sighed. Her Midgardian mind couldn't understand the gravity of that decision. Family life and politics went hand in hand in his family. "I want to be with you, okay?" He glanced up at her, willing her to understand that he meant it. "I want us to be more than a fling. I want you to wake up next to me. I want you to be…" He tried to search for the right word. It wasn't easy. "... a constant in my life. But I'm not going to make any big political decisions tonight. I've made far too many today." The day was still weighing heavily on him. The evening started to follow swiftly in its footsteps.
–
Finally looking over at him again, she caught his eyes as he looked up at her. She really, really wanted to believe him. She wanted to get out of her head, to do the thing she came here to do--to comfort him in his hour of need. His words made her feel selfish and foolish and petty. Guilty that she’d flown off the handle.
After a moment, she nodded. It was the best she was going to get, and she knew it. It was all she could ask for. It was enough for now. Sharon stepped back over to where he was sitting and reached her hands out to him. “I want to be a constant in your life, too.”
She didn’t know where they were going, but at least they knew where they stood now. From both sides. “I will wake up next to you whenever you want.”
–
Loki exhaled a sigh of relief as the conversation turned once again. This time it was in his favour. He took her hand and drew her back onto his lap. "And I won't lie like that again. I don't want to hurt you," he said. He couldn't promise he wouldn't. He knew himself too well. His temper. His pride. A tongue used to lying. Sometimes he considered them his assets. But nowadays, more often than not, he wanted to leave them behind.
—
Sharon went willingly into his lap again, settling comfortably against him. She took his arms and wrapped them around herself, cuddling in even closer than before. She knew it was probably not the last time he was going to lie to her--she wasn’t naive. But she was hopeful. Optimistic.
Her head came to rest on his shoulder, and her face was right up against the side of his neck. Her nose brushed against it once, then she leaned in and tapped very soft, gentle kisses against his cool skin. “We could go to bed,” she suggested. “Get a head start on waking up side by side.”
—
Loki sucked in a breath. “A fantastic suggestion,” he purred as he got up to lead them towards the bedroom. He didn’t let go of her hand, kept the connection. There was something right about the feeling of her skin against his. There had been the excitement he had felt at the beginning but that had slowly passed. Then there had been the uncertainty and desperation he had felt over the last few months. Touch had been all he dared to use. Let her make the decisions of what kind of relationship she wanted and take whatever he had been given. But it had hurt. He hadn’t known whether he had destroyed them completely, hadn’t known if she was ready to walk away and hadn’t known if she was hurting as much as he did. He had never missed someone so much when they had been right next to him. Right now, however, felt solid. He couldn’t pretend he understood her fully. He didn’t know where her outburst had come from. Doubted that all of her concerns had been put aside. But for now, it was good.