Shipton vs Schlottmann: Redux (heirofann) wrote in mnhttnprjct, @ 2010-03-26 21:40:00 |
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SHIPTON: And now we have our final guest of the week in Washington, who I hope will be worth the wait, Secretary of the Interior Tabatha Schlottmann, who served on former President Koetke's cabinet and was recently reappointed by President Edwards. Secretary Schlottmann, thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to appear on the Liz Shipton Hour today. SCHLOTTMANN: Nervous laughter. Thank you, Ms. Shipton -- although I believe that "insisting on an interview whilst in transit on C Street" may not exactly be construed as "taking time from my busy schedule." Nevertheless, I'm always happy to answer questions from the public. SHIPTON: Completely unabashed, actually sounding rather proud of herself. Regardless of the circumstances, I appreciate your cooperation. Our listeners have been dying to hear from you since your reappointment. Since you are working in a new administration with a quite different ideology, how has your relationship with President Edwards been thus far? SCHLOTTMANN: Amicable. A pause. I am and shall continue to be a devoted public servant to the President of the United States of America and her constituents until the executive branch finds me to be no longer of service, as has been the tradition of many Americans before me and the many who will follow in my footsteps. This will endure regardless of what many see as obvious partisan divisions between my former boss and that of my current, yet Edwards and I both agree that our only duty is to serve the nation to the best of our ability, regardless of what many may construe as differing ideological backgrounds. SHIPTON: Of course, I understand that you are a dedicated servant of America, but you can't deny that Edwards actively campaigned against many of your policies, most notably the forced evacuation of the west. How do you reconcile your eviction of millions of Americans from their property with President Edwards's belief that each and every person has the right to live where they choose? SCHLOTTMANN: Edwards and I also agree on the safety of the American people and preserving lives of many living and potentially-living Americans. Although we may not necessarily agree on the specifics of what is an undeniably difficult situation for Americans as we reshuffle our populations to cope with housing those within the safest parts of our borders, neither do we find it ethical to condone the potential for our youngest citizens to be sentenced to death due to recalcitrant parents who find land rights to supersede that of the the health and welfare of those who cannot choose the path to safety themselves. The Edwards administration is proud of its pro-life stance and considers urging its citizens out of the influence of nuclear fallout and the potential for spontaneous aborting due to fallout sickness as part of this platform. SHIPTON: I don't think that anyone is going to argue that we shouldn't protect the safety of future Americans, President Schlottman, but you have to admit that there is little reliable research to back up the Koetke administration's assertions that the residents of states like Kansas, Nebraska, or even Colorado and New Mexico are in any more danger from radiation poisoning than those of us on the East Coast. You've said in the past that we don't know what the fallout will be like, but I've read reports that claim that because of wind patterns, radiation sickness may be seen as far away as China. Do you propose we evacuate the entire planet, just to be safe? SCHLOTTMANN: Bluntly. Where did you get your data from, Ms. Shipton? SHIPTON: There have been several theoretical models, one of them conducted by the Theoretical Nuclear Physics Group at Yale University, I believe, though I understand if you've been too busy to read the study. SCHLOTTMANN: Ultimately, it is the Department of the Interior and the administration's position that we develop all policy and opinions based on findings from the United States Nuclear Regulatory Commission, who are regularly assessing data from remote robotics teams in the field on a daily basis. Although Yale University is a renowned think tank of intellectuals with a prestigious past, it is nevertheless the administration's modus operandi to not take data from... Pause. "Theoretical models." We stand by facts, of which the Nuclear Regulatory Commission provides in spades. SHIPTON: And yet it doesn't seem as though the Department of the Interior has done much besides forced evacuations. There have been reports of gross mismanagement of government funding of research into terraforming and other processes which would make the west inhabitable again. Furthermore, we still have no clear-cut answers as to whether or not the gateway states will be evacuated as well, and the data on radiation levels in places like Arkansas and Minnesota. You have spearheaded all of the evacuations from the empty states, but President Edwards believes in the states' right to manage their own evacuations, if they deem it necessary. SCHLOTTMANN: And we plan on waiting until our data is complete until we make any decision concerning the gateway states and their potential for evacuation within the Union. SHIPTON: But if radiation really poses a serious health threat to those populations, shouldn't the Department of the Interior be moving quickly? Or are you planning on letting Congress obvious laughter handle this issue? SCHLOTTMANN: Clearly annoyed; makes a move to comment, but is clearly stopped. SECRET SERVICE AGENT #7: The Secretary will no longer be taking any questions. SHIPTON: Sounding smug. Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions, Secretary Schlottmann. I'll be discussing the latest comments made by the junior senator from Arkansas regarding possible evacuation of his state after a word from one of our sponsors. Cue a jingle fit for Futurama. |