Evangeline "Evy" de Laurentis (createitherself) wrote in mcdermott_game, @ 2011-01-29 23:44:00 |
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Entry tags: | evy, evy/joel, joel |
WHO: Evy and Joel
WHAT: He tells her about Remy. It doesn't go well.
WHERE: At the De Laurentis home.
WHEN: January 23rd. (Backdated)
RATING: PG
STATUS: Complete
Joel didn’t have a key to his mother’s house anymore, but Kate did. It hung right there on her keyring and Joel didn’t notice it until after he’d circled the neighborhood several times. He’d borrowed his aunt’s car again without telling her where he was going. Kate left him alone. She knew when to push and when not to, which Joel appreciated.
He didn’t head into Chicago, nor did he drive further north to Evanston. He stayed within the small limits of Oak Park, passing by all the familiar sights - houses where friends used to live, or still lived, probably, though Joel was no longer friends with them. He passed his old high school school and the square downtown where the pharmacy and the grocery store stood; he passed the movie theatre and the little diner where he’d eaten countless orders of onion rings. It was home, Oak Park, in a different way than Chicago was home. This was where he’d grown up. It was strange that he barely thought of it anymore. He’d moved beyond the small town, adopted the bigger city for his own. The Joel that had grown up in Oak Park had died the night he’d been arrested just beyond the Donovans’ front yard.
His mother lived three streets over from the Donovans, and Joel found himself heading there, pulling to a stop in front of the curb. He hadn’t been by since Christmas Day, hadn’t even spoken to his mother since then. God knew what he was doing here now. Joel didn’t really have much of a plan these days.
It was a particularly cold January, and Joel hunched his shoulders into his coat as he made his way up the icy front walk. The house was quiet, the Christmas decorations long put away. When Joel made it to the front door, he paused as if to knock, and then remembered the key. His mother would chide him on his bad manners. She’d get over it.
Joel let himself into the house, greeted almost immediately by the warmth that enveloped him. Alexia, like Kate, usually left the heat on far higher than it needed to be. For once, Joel was grateful for it. “Hello!” he called out; he shrugged out of his jacket and left it on the front hook, and then wandered into the formal living room, keys dangling from his fingers. “Anyone home?”
“And tell the caterers I said no paella. The last time we were served seafood paella and ceviche. It was way too much.” Evy’s brisk tone ensured that her assistant, Alison, would pay attention this time. “Also, Mrs. Donovan and her party just got shifted again because I need to make room for the Fitzgeralds. Do not forget to send Mrs. Donovan lilies. They’re her favorites. Write something nice on the card, something like, ‘I apologize about the changeover and thank you for your patience. Sincerely yours, et cetera.’"
She got up from where she’d been sitting at the counter in the kitchen, legs neatly crossed over one another, and walked toward the distracting sound that had come from the living room. It had almost been Joel’s voice, but with Alison chattering in her ear, it was almost impossible for Evy to actually hear. “No,” she said sharply. “Do not sign the card ‘Evy.’ It has to be ‘Evangeline.’ Mrs. Donovan is like, eighty-five, she always calls me E--oh, for Christ’s sake, how do you not know how to spell my name, Alison? E-v-a-n-g-e-l-i-n-e. Got that? Good. Call me back at four, I’m going to turn my phone off until then.” Evy shut the BlackBerry down as soon as Alison confirmed her directions, feeling the urge to just toss it down until it skittered along the neat parquet flooring and under the nearest object, so she could pretend it was lost forever. She was getting a headache, and it was nowhere near time for her afternoon headache, not now. She still had a luncheon to get through first.
All of it fell away, though, the slight light-headedness that had been her constant companion for days, the frustration and the stress, the headache burgeoning between her eyes – because Joel was standing in the formal living room after all. Evy said his name, surprise filling her voice. It was no ordinary occasion to see him standing there. He had come on Christmas, but he rarely if ever simply stopped by, especially without calling or texting first. Evy had been so attached to her BlackBerry during the winter break that she would have noticed the first time he texted her. She had noticed the cessation of calls, the smattering of texts when there would have ordinarily been an onslaught unless they were fighting. Joel should have noticed much earlier that she’d picked right up where she’d left off, dutiful D.A.R. daughter, and fought with her about it, but he hadn’t said a word. He’d drifted off, and it worried her a little.
But seeing him now solidified the fact that he looked healthy; he looked better than he had in a long while as a matter of fact, so much so that it denied the automatically triggered fear that his silence meant something truly ominous. Evy went to him, crossing the floor in her soft ballerina flats with easy grace, and kissed him on the cheek, a gesture that belied how much she’d missed him, even if her words were not half as graceful. “To what do I owe this surprise? That bored of city life already?”
Joel grinned at her, returning her gesture with one of his own; he reached out and ruffled her hair, taking satisfaction in ruining the perfectly styled strands. Shit, he'd missed her. They'd been in the same city all break, but there might as well have been hundreds of miles between them. It was mostly Joel's fault. He'd been so wrapped up in Remy that everyone else had fallen to the wayside.
"Nope. Just missed your pretty face, starshine," he replied, taking a step back and surveying her for a moment. She looked like she'd lost weight; it was always a red flag, when Evy's frame started shrinking. But he didn't say anything. Not yet, at least. Instead all he said was, "Do I even want to ask who you were just talking to?"
“Alison,” she said succinctly and swatted at his hands, frowning. “Don’t, Joel.” Evy was too used to him doing it, however, to truly complain; that, and she had not yet styled her hair for that afternoon’s affair, and so it was simply in her normal sleek fall. She pushed her hair back the way it was, fluffing it back and rearranging it without having to use a mirror. “You are such a pain sometimes, God.”
She placed her phone down on the coffee table, looking back up at him briefly before reaching out and tugging him to sit with her instead of both of them just standing there talking. “Before you ask, Alison is my assistant, and yes, I do need her, so no mocking. Or rather, go ahead and mock, because I know you too well.”
"Wasn't gonna say anything. Except that if she's your assistant and you need her, you shouldn't be such a hard ass on her." Joel dropped down onto the couch and swung his legs up onto the coffee table. The sight of his sneakers on the polished surface would have been enough to give Alexia a coronary, were she there to see it.
Speaking of which. "Is Mom around?" he asked, his gaze sliding to Evy.
Evy shook her head, curling up on the sofa next to him. “Mom is...” She paused, and then let out a soft laugh. “Mom is at the Carlton Club. She’s having her spa day.” It was a level of detail Joel probably didn’t care about, but it was a schedule Evy had memorized; she could have told him more things than he cared to know, further down than that. She looked at him and then down at his shoes, black high top Converses like he was still sixteen. Evy had been younger, still ready to chase after him at that age, thirteen and malleable, all her impressions formed by his absences and the tightening perfection that Alexia had demanded of herself in exchange for losing her son. “You need to put those feet of yours down on the floor, Joely. I am not going to have to explain to Danielle why she needs to redo this room before Mom comes home.” At least she thought that was the current maid’s name.
Spa day. It was an effort not to roll his eyes. God, his mother. "Who the hell is Danielle?" he asked, not moving an inch.
“The maid,” Evy said, and poked him in the side, though only to be annoying. “What have you been up to, big brother?”
“Nada mucho, chickadee.” Joel swung his legs back down again, because there was no point in pissing off the maid when all he really wanted to do was irritate Alexia. “Been chillin. I sent you a text a few days ago - did you get it?” She hadn’t responded to his invite to come out to the Wire with Joel and his friends, but then, he supposed he hadn’t expected her to. That had been days ago; Joel couldn’t remember if he’d made the effort to reach out to her since. Probably not. Damn.
“You mean in the multitude of texts that light up my phone every day with your random crap?” Evy couldn’t resist pointedly replying. “Yeah, I got your text. I’m sorry, Joely. I was already out.” Which wasn’t a lie; Josh had invited her to go out with him and she’d accepted. It had been awkward but nice to go out for dinner together, talk about old times, and even some new ones. And then he’d brought up Isabel, a subject which was still uncomfortable for Evy, but something she needed to work out. Josh was always the second person after Joel to really get her, even when she hadn’t wanted him to.
"Aw. Too bad. You'd have had fun. We caught this kickin show downtown - local band, no big, but totes a lot of fun." Joel ignored her comment about his barrage of texts - or lack thereof, which he supposed was the same thing. He adjusted his position on the couch, slouching a bit against the cushions, and then he lightly poked her in the shoulder. "I hope whatever you were doing was just as much fun," he added. He hoped that she hadn't been wrapped up in some event or another of his mother's.
Evy shrugged a little, leaning into him and picking off imaginary lint from his shirt. “I was out to dinner with Josh,” she said quietly. “He wanted to see me while I was here. While he was, come to think of it. He and the future Mrs. are contemplating a move.”
Joel looked over at her, contemplatively. “Yeah? To where?”
“He’s not sure. He had an offer for a firm in Dubai,” Evy told him, “and then there was another he was contemplating out in California.” She smiled wryly. “I didn’t exactly think he had it in him. Too much pot, that boy, but apparently she’s a good influence.” The way Evy hadn’t been, because she’d been too wrapped up in her own struggles to try.
"Apparently," Joel agreed, because he didn't know what else to say. Josh was a nice kid, from what Joel could remember, but Joel didn't really have a lot of input on whatever it was he was up to now. Maybe that was just because he didn't really understand whatever dynamic he shared with Evy. Joel never went out of his way to maintain friendships with old girlfriends.
But then, Evy hadn't been just any old girlfriend, he supposed. And, too, there was the thought that it still should have been her now. Joel didn't exactly want Evy to be engaged and running off to Dubai or wherever, but he did want her to be happy. Josh could have made her happy, could have given her the kind of stability that Joel had never managed.
Evy made a noncommittal sound. She looked up at him instead of answering him directly, and then changed her mind, opting to change the topic as well. “So what have you been doing on break?”
“Told you, just chillin out. I’ve been catching up with my friends from college. Partying some, jamming a little. Nothing too exciting,” Joel said. He was still holding his keys, and now he tossed them up into the air, catching them again just as swiftly. He repeated the motion a few times, then looked over at her, studying her face for a moment. He hadn’t thought that he’d purposely been avoiding her, but perhaps he had. He couldn’t hide much from her – it all spilled out eventually. And when it did, Evy would judge him harsher than perhaps anyone else had so far.
But to hell with it. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you, starshine,” he told her, sticking his keys in his jeans pocket.
Evy didn’t outwardly acknowledge it, but she had the feeling just the same, I knew it flickering through her mind. Perhaps it was overdramatic to deny that Joel could simply have sought her out for the pleasure of her company, but Evy had suspected his appearance now was not going to be just for that alone. Not after the different way it had been between them during the winter break. Maybe that was her fault, too; maybe she should have reached out more and pushed him earlier to hang out and be together, but she’d been avoiding watching the disappointment cross his face when he realized whose role she was fulfilling. Then, too, Evy had not been the emotional, clingy little sister who called and demanded his attention in years. When they were face to face, she could cling to him, allow her emotions to trip her up. But her pride would not allow her to break her silence first, not unless something was seriously wrong.
She looked at him now with a measure of reserve in her expression, straightening up so that she could face him properly, though she did not go so far as to sit with her spine stiff, her posture ladylike. For Joel Evy granted herself lax posture, defenseless and simple. “All right. What did you want to talk to me about?”
He was quiet for several beats, contemplating his words. “I don’t think I’m gonna go back to McDermott,” was what he finally said. He let those words hang in the air for a moment while he kicked his feet back up on the coffee table, housekeeper be damned.
Evy went silent in reaction, watching him carefully before she spoke. Her hands tightened in her lap, fingers threading through one another. “At all?” Her voice was careful, removed.
Joel became fascinated with studying the black tips of his sneakers. “No, I don’t think so.”
“Any particular reason why?”
“I don’t think grad school’s for me,” Joel said simply. It was the easiest reason. It was sort of true.
She looked at him. It was not quite a judgemental look, but it was skeptical at the outset. “Is that all? Why don’t you just transfer to a school here?”
"Cause I didn't say grad school in Massachusetts wasn't for me, starshine, I said grad school in general. I dunno if it's what I want to be doing right now." Joel stretched, and then got to his feet, needing to move. He wandered over to the mantle, his gaze sweeping briefly over the photos that rested there. His mother still displayed pictures of him, but he was younger in all of them. "Last semester was so fuckin' easy. You know I get bored when things are too easy. Besides, what the hell am I going to do with a master's in music, anyway? I don't need it to get in a studio; I don't need it to book gigs."
She didn’t argue with him about it; she just picked up her BlackBerry and began absently picking at the keys, even while it remained off. It was not for lack of something to say - Evy had plenty to say - but for trying to remain calm and not immediately start a screaming match.
When she didn't say anything, Joel turned back to face her again, a frown flicking over his face. He wasn't sure what he had expected from her, but it hadn't been silence. And yet there she sat, her phone back in her hands, as disinterested as if he'd gone into detail about why the Deinoychus was a particularly fascinating dinosaur. "So ... you aren't going to say anything?" he asked.
She looked back at him after dragging it out a long minute further, reminded that she needed to get her nails redone this weekend. “What should I say?” Evy asked, biting her lip. “I think you’re making a huge mistake, Joel, and I don’t understand why you’re making it now. You can’t just give up on a degree in the middle of it. I mean, if it bores you at McDermott, fine, then transfer, but...I don’t understand. You gave no indication of wanting to quit before Christmas. You were fine then. Has something changed that I’m not aware of?” There, that was logical and not hysterical, not at all an emotional response relating back to the fact that he couldn’t just up and leave her, too. Not without a good reason.
Yes. "No." Joel folded his arms, the stance not defensive but, rather, an uncharacteristic gesture that hinted he didn't quite know what to do with himself. "It's something I've been thinking about for awhile. It wasn't fine before Christmas, not really. Shit's been boring for awhile.”
“You didn’t say so,” Evy persisted. “You’d have complained before.” Unless she’d ignored it, but she wouldn’t have ignored multiple complaints about the same subject. She knew him too well for that.
"Pretty sure I mentioned it once or twice." Joel moved again, dropping his arms and wandering over to the bookshelf. He picked up a volume at random and thumbed through it, skimming the words.
“Not to this extent where you want to drop out.” Evy put down the BlackBerry and got up, crossing to him so that she could take the book from him, shut it, and slam it back onto the shelf without paying much attention to the order or how neat a job she’d done. “Joel. Seriously?”
Joel eyed her, and then moved away. He crossed back over to the couch, dropping down in the space she’d occupied before. “I just think there’s more for me in Chicago right now,” he said simply. “You can understand that, right?” He knew he should have just been straight with her, should have mentioned Remy, but Joel knew her well enough to know that whatever reaction she had to him dropping out would be mild compared to what she’d say if she realized just exactly why.
It was incredibly frustrating not to be able to shake the truth out of him. It was so obvious that there had to be a reason for this. For Joel to simply not tell her made Evy nervous as to what that truth was, so much so that she was still biting her lower lip as she followed his movement with her eyes. Her back was to the bookcase, spine nearly pressed to the books themselves, as she watched him settle down. “I’m not stupid, Joel, and if you think that this is going to pass muster, you’re deluding yourself. What the hell is going on? Why the sudden desire to stay here? Did you score some sort of recording contract and just not tell me? There has to be a greater reason than ‘I’m bored and school sucks.’ Come on. Tell me.”
For several seconds, Joel just looked at her, taking in the expression on her face as well as the words she was saying. Part of him wanted to insist that there was no greater reason than he’d already given to her, that he was bored with grad school and wanted to take his life in a different direction. And he had to wonder why he was so intent on bothering with the pretense. Joel had never been unpredictable to the point of turning his own life upside down on whims. Hell, before he’d decided to go to grad school, he’d spent an entire year checking out his options, saving up, and giving himself the time to change his mind. He was impulsive and didn’t always do things that made sense, but he’d always been logical to a point. If anything, Evy was the one more prone to dropping bombs like these; she’d done it before, when she’d chosen to go to New York.
Perhaps he was trying to deflect the issue because he knew that his decision was irrational and possibly very stupid, and as much as he didn’t want Evy to call him on it, he didn’t want to face up to that himself. Evy wouldn’t let it slide the way aunt Katharine had.
But Joel couldn’t keep it from her, not really, and so after a lengthy pause he finally exhaled. “Okay, starshine. The truth is … I’m kind of back together with Remy. I want to stay here with her.” He said the words casually, as if there was no additional weight to them. But his eyes gave him away. They were trained on hers, waiting for her response.
Joel had the same dark eyes that their father did, and it was only on certain occasions Evy really even noticed it. Most of the time they were laughing, those eyes, but right now they were deadly serious, locked on hers. As grave as they were, it couldn't help but remind her of the last time that Lucas had taken her to task over a tantrum. She'd promised she'd do better, and then three weeks later he was gone. Some part of her had always wondered if that was it, if she had been a more perfect daughter would the accident have been less severe. Would the fluke of fate that brought them there that night at all simply have brushed past them? She didn't know, but with Joel looking at her like this, it wasn't hard to think of their father, the intensity and the passion he brought to his life, the love that he'd had for his family.
Joel had loved Remy and she'd broken a part of him when she'd left. Evy had been the one in Remy's place before, making a mess of other people's lives, but she had never cheated on a partner, never tortured them for months and kept them on the edge with promises that someday it would be better than it was. Evy supposed she should take it into consideration that Remy had been suffering, that her mother had had cancer and it had eaten her daughter alive as surely as it had destroyed her. She couldn't, however.
She could only remember the look on his face the day she came back to Chicago, the shadows under his eyes, the near-absent way he teased her. It was telling that Joel had embraced her tightly, instead of waiting for her to seek out his affection. She'd ended up staying four days longer than she could afford, simply because he'd needed her.
Evy pressed her back further against the case, her spine digging into the shelves - or was that the other way around? Maybe it didn't matter. In that gaze she knew Joel was waiting for her to tell him how she felt, but what could she say to that? She took in a breath and let it out slowly, wrapping her arms around herself.
"So you've picked up where you left off?" she asked, trying to hold onto neutrality and succeeding, if by a thread.
He tilted his head a bit, still studying her. The neutrality might have fooled him if he were anyone else, anyone who didn't know the Evy that existed underneath her polished exterior. Her eyes betrayed her, just as surely as Joel's own did. "No. Not exactly where we left off," he said, drumming his fingertips on the empty cushion beside him. "We're still ... yknow, figuring it out."
“What do you have to figure out?” Despite her better intentions, her words came out acid-colored. The subtle approach was lost in her in dealing with Joel; it always had been, really. She tried to hold on to emotional guards and shields and it never worked. Joel always made her feel too much too fast, and this was the last thread of her neutrality disappearing. “How many ways she can hurt you this time?”
“It’s different this time,” Joel said simply.
Evy let out her breath in a huff. It was not meant to dismiss his statement, even if she didn’t believe it could be different. She stepped away from the bookcase, toward him coltishly, each step taken because she wasn’t sure she could get that close when she was prepared to fight him on this and he might have to lash out in self-defense. “Joel, even if it’s working out right now, that doesn’t mean you have to give up school,” she pointed out. “Take this time to regroup, then, if that’s what you two think you can accomplish. But don’t give up on school just because she--she’s here.” She’d stuttered, intending on harsher words that Joel didn’t quite deserve. Not yet.
"Fuck school," Joel snapped; an uncharacteristic lash, perhaps, but one that burst out all the same. He moved, rising swiftly to his feet if only so that he could pace. "I don't want you to give me this 'regroup and think' bullshit, Evy. What good does thinking do?" He paused in his pacing, turned back to face her again. He held out two hands, as if weighing two options. "Let's see. School sucks, and it bores me. I can go back and waste more time, or I can hang out here, pursue my music, and be with the girl I wanted to marry. Hmm." He lifted up one hand and then the other, balancing the invisible weights. "Yeah, let me think about that one."
She stopped; she knew this was going to happen. If Joel had let her reach out and touch him, just to get past the yelling and the bullshit and ask what the fuck he was thinking letting Remy do this to him, they might not be where they were right now. Evy dropped her arms, her spine stiffening as she regarded him. “You wanted my opinion,” she stated, frost forming in her tone. His anger was always heated while hers was ice, and the burgeoning roil of his was causing her withdrawal into her own to begin. Inwardly, she could hear herself beg him. Joely, please, let’s not fight. Please just think about what you’re doing, what you’re letting her do to you. Why can’t you ever see reason where she’s concerned?
But outwardly, no. Outwardly: “I knew there was a reason I had to badger to get this out of you. Dropping out of school to pursue your music is one thing. You have talent and I respect that. But this isn’t about talent, Joel, and it’s not about your music, so don’t fucking bullshit me with that. This is about Remy, about making sure that this time she doesn’t go away and it doesn’t evaporate out from underneath you.”
"And why is that so wrong?" Joel challenged. "Why is it wrong to just - to not want to lose her again? Tell me, Evy."
“Because she screwed you,” Evy snapped. She stopped his pacing by coming forward and poking him hard in the chest, punctuating her words by the gesture. “She screwed you up so badly I didn’t know if you were ever going to be okay again, and she has you wrapped so neatly around her finger that nothing will ever get you to change your mind. Remember? She fucked somebody else to get out of your relationship, this ‘girl you’re going to marry.’ How are you ever supposed to trust her and respect her if she doesn’t merit it?”
She narrowed her eyes at him. “And don’t tell me it was all about her mother. Grieving is all very well and good, big brother, but it doesn’t mean you go out and ruin the only real relationship you have going for you or break a decent man’s heart. For no good reason other than you’re selfish and blind, I might add. And yeah, you can go ahead and tell me I know a thing or two about being selfish and blind, Joely, because I fit the bill to a t on both counts where all my previous relationships are concerned, and I still would never have cheated on my partner. Ever.”
Joel waved a hand, as if to dismiss her entirely; dismiss her and her words, because he didn't want to hear it. It wasn't that easy, of course. Every word was like a shard of glass - small, but hurled with just enough force to get lodged in his skin and stuck there. They weren't enough to be debilitating; they were just enough to dig at him for a good, long while.
Not now. A million emotions coursed through him but he chose none of them; none except the selfish desire to hurl back what she'd just tossed at him. Anything else would mean acknowledging that she had a point. "Sure, you wouldn't cheat," he agreed, his voice going cold, like a stranger's. "Assuming you ever stuck with someone long enough for it to even matter if you did. What the hell do you know about relationships, starshine? When's the last time you actually had one?"
As if to cut her off before even giving her a chance to reply, Joel held up a hand and added, "And Max doesn't count, either. Not when you up and dumped her because Mom didn't think she was appropriate or whatever the hell happened there. It's so easy for you to judge Remy, isn't it? And meanwhile, you're a goddamn coward who wouldn't recognize the real deal if it came up and hit you in the face. So. Glass houses and stones, Evy."
Evy’s expression faltered, hurt revealed there before she managed to control it, walling it back because it didn’t matter. Not right now. She shook her head, denying him like he’d denied her. “Don’t. Don’t make this me judging her. I’m not judging her, I’m right and you know it. She hurt you and you’re walking back into this like that didn’t matter. She doesn’t deserve you, Joel, damn it, why can’t you see that? Why does nothing she did in those last few weeks and months matter to you?”
“Because that wasn’t her,” Joel shot back. “Because her mother was fucking dying and people do crazy, shitty things when they’re dealing with that kind of grief. I mean, shit, Evy, I would think you’d understand that. You and me both. I don’t think I need to remind you what I was like after Dad died.” A brief shadow crossed his face, though it was gone again in an instant. “But, yknow, you never forgave me for that, either, so I guess I don’t know why I’m surprised that you don’t get this now.”
“You should probably take a lead from my example, then,” Evy snapped, killing the idea that she was in any way dispassionate about this argument. “I didn’t forgive you for nearly destroying your own line and for leaving me, but you’re my brother, Joel, and that means you get an ‘okay, I fucked up but we can start again’ card. I’m not your wife or your girlfriend, though. Had I been either of those, any chance we had would have been ended the minute some cop slapped cuffs on you. Her fucking someone else was like that arrest - she wasn’t in any position to be in control of her life and neither were you. But you deserved a second chance, Joel. She doesn’t.”
“That is absolute bullshit.” Joel didn’t feel anger very often. His basic personality gave him the luxury of never getting worked up too much over anything. But he was angry now; he was angry and it was almost shocking, the heat of it. It rose up inside of him and cut off every other emotion, every flicker of logic or reason that might otherwise have prevailed. He could only focus on one thing, and that was hurting her as much as she was hurting him. “Fuck you and your ‘no second chances’ logic or whatever it is you’re trying to feed me right now. I don’t even know why I’m surprised,” he said again. “Congrats, starshine. You’re basically exactly like Mom - you’re just as cold-hearted as she is. Remember how she left me in jail? Remember how I didn’t get a second chance then?”
She wasn't crying but her eyes were beginning to burn like she was sobbing. Evy didn't have time to comprehend his words, because he'd said them and there was a split second pause between her hand and his face. It hurt, the crack of skin on skin, but not as much as the words. She knew why he'd said them; why else would he say them? It was designed to hurt, to pull something real out of her when nothing Evy ever did or said was real on the surface. She'd never have allowed it to be.
But for him it was always real, and Joel had never known. She stared at him then, eyes wide and starting to fill in now, everything starting to blur. "I begged her," Evy whispered, and it was true, she had. Her voice picked up strength in anger, words falling like the tears gathering on her face. "I didn't know that was where she would leave you. I thought we were on the same page, I thought -- it doesn't matter what I thought, does it? Because I'm not her after all. I can make a phone call but I can't lie to your face and tell you I'm happy for you when I think you're making the biggest mistake of your life."
The fact that she'd actually hit him stunned him back into himself. It left a faint stinging against his cheek, but Joel barely felt it. He just stared at her for a moment, everything else falling away except for the realization that they were standing there, hurling words harsher than blows back and forth at one another, each of them vying for the kill.
It wasn't him. Evy dug at him more than anyone else on the goddamn planet, but Joel still shouldn't have given in. This wasn't what he'd intended at all when he'd come here, and now it had escalated so far that he didn't know how they'd get back again. He didn't quite process her words; instead he just stood there for a moment, taking in the look on her face. There was bald hurt etched into her features; for once, she wore no masks. Joel had broken through them, but it wasn't a victory. It left him feeling only hollow.
Joel closed his eyes briefly, turning away from her and rubbing a hand over his face, as if to collect himself. When he turned back to her and spoke, his voice was much quieter. "I didn't come here to do this with you," he told her. "I just need you to be happy for me, starshine. Because this is what I want. Okay? You said I deserved a second chance, that I got one get-out-of-jail free card because I'm your brother. Because you love me. That's how much I love her. She gets that same card with me. That's how it is."
He took a step back, his gaze still on her face. "I don't want you to end up like Mom, Evy. You can't just cut people out and say, no more chances, ever, as soon as they fuck up. You can't judge them and hold them to this perfect standard and punish them when they fall short. That's what she does and that's why she's alone. You're going to end up just like her if you're not careful. But I don't want to be like that. I don't want to end up alone. Maybe I'll get hurt again, I don't fucking know, but at least I'm taking the shot. If you can't understand that, then I'm sorry. But I'm not going to fight with you about it anymore."
Her head dropped; Evy took a moment to gather herself back up to rational thought and action, wiping at the tears on her face with the backs of her hands. She brushed them away quickly, fighting not to go to him then and beg his forgiveness for what she’d done, the newest fracture she’d placed in their already cracked relationship. “I want,” she said, and slowed down, looking back at him when she could form the words properly. “I want to be happy for you, Joel. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you, to be happy and content with your life and the relationships that come along. I don’t know that I can be happy for you. I’m too afraid of what will happen if the other shoe drops.”
"If," Joel repeated, and then exhaled. She hadn't said when, and he supposed that was something. He supposed it was all he was going to get. The inherent difference between them was that Joel trusted too much and Evy didn't trust at all. It showed. Joel instinctively believed the best about everyone until they proved him wrong; Evy believed the worst until she was shown the best. And sometimes, even then, it wasn't enough. Not enough to change either of them permanently. Joel still trusted, still put his absolute faith where it didn't belong, whereas Evy would never drop her shields. The wall she'd built around herself would sometimes crack, but never collapse.
It was never going to change. It wasn't about Remy anymore; it was that Evy and Joel would always be this way with one another, and eventually it would all break down. They'd push and push at one another until one day, one of them pushed too hard and the split would be irreparable. And then where would they be? They'd just drift along, sort of a part of one another's lives but not really. Like Joel and Alexia.
He pushed a hand through his hair, unsure of where to go next. She couldn't be happy for him and he was angry at her and there they were, already headed toward that point of no return. "Just ... let me worry about that," he finally said. "Let me be afraid of it. If it happens, you get to say 'I told you so.'"
“I don’t want to say that.” Evy couldn’t make him understand the difference. She wasn’t a smug harpy sitting in the background waiting for his life to fail so she could point out all the things that went wrong, she wasn’t. She wrapped her arms around herself and looked at him, wanting to go to him but not daring it, not now. “I just--I love you, and I don’t want her to hurt you. She did it last time, Joel. I don’t want her doing it again.” It was ironic, her statement. No one like Remy should be able to hurt him that much; only his family had the power to do that. Only Evy herself did.
"Maybe she won't," Joel replied. "Did you ever think of that? That maybe she's really different now?"
Evy didn’t know if people could change that much over the course of a year and a half. Maybe they could, but she wasn’t going to hold her breath. She dared it then, what she hadn’t before, and came closer to him, watching his face, the glimmers of defeat and weariness that she’d provoked. He was still on edge and she’d deserve it if Joel pushed her away forever now. The hollowness of that thought provoked led her to say “Maybe,” quietly. “I’m sorry, Joel. I don’t want to be a killjoy, I just … I want you to be careful of the decisions you make. That was what I was trying to get across in the first place and it came out all wrong.”
"I know how to take care of myself, starshine. You don't need to worry about it." Joel didn't move away from her, but nor did he move closer. "I appreciate it, but you really don't. All right?"
“Okay,” Evy said softly. She glanced down at the floor, the neat carpeting beneath her feet. There wasn’t much good wishing could do, not to take it back, not to change things so that whatever future happened would be a bright and shiny one, no matter what she feared. She simply stood there for a long moment more and then shifted from one foot to the other. “I won’t worry, then.”
"Good." Joel's gaze lingered on her face, and then he looked away. There wasn't much else either of them could say - not about Remy and not about whatever had just happened between himself and Evy. He was still mad, but he was also tired and drained. It seemed like he'd been drained since New Year's, his emotions bouncing all over the place faster than he could keep up.
"Well." He reached in his pocket for his keys, began fiddling with them. "I'm gonna go back to Kate's. I have some shit to do, and ... besides, I don't really wanna be around when Mom gets back."
He wouldn’t want to be, and she didn’t want him to stay, in this case. It was bad enough they’d argued; it would be too easy for a fight to begin between Joel and their mother. Evy wanted to reach out to him and ask him to stay anyway, though, or for them to be able to go somewhere and talk about it, figure it out, but they wouldn’t be able to and she knew that. She nodded, her expression registering resignation before she tried to smile. “Yeah, I’ve … I’ve got business to attend to anyway, too. There’s meetings to run and things to do, so …”
“Of course. Wouldn’t want to get in the way of your very important obligations,” Joel said, the slightest contemptuous note dipping into his voice. He couldn’t help it. It was, perhaps, testament to how angry he still actually was. That, and the fact that he was letting it lie as it were, without pushing to make sure that they were okay. Normally, he would have. No matter how they fought, Joel was never content to leave it alone for long - he always pressed until they made up, until apologies were exchanged and the remaining undesirable bits were swept under the rug. He hated hurting Evy; he always tried to fix it.
But this time, he didn’t. His words hung in the air and then he let out his breath. He couldn’t exactly leave on that note, but nor could he give her any more than the smallest of smiles, far from the real grin he’d have flashed her if everything were normal. He reached out, lightly ruffled her hair, then drew back. It was the best he could do. “Peace out, chickadee,” he told her, before turning to head for the door.