Chloe (chloejames) wrote in mcdermott_game, @ 2010-05-09 22:34:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | auden, auden/chloe, chloe |
Who: Chloe and Auden
What: chattin' some serious some fun
When: Wednesday, May 5 (backdated
Where: Harper's Cove
Rating: Pg
Status: Complete
Stress wasn't anything new for Auden, especially at this time of year. Between the papers he needed to write and the finals he needed to study for, he always felt slightly suicidal at the end of each semester. This term was no different. He'd finished the last of his papers, but even though finals didn't technically start until the following week, he was already starting to study - there was a lot of information to review, to make sure that he absolutely knew it, and he could foresee a lot of all-nighters in the following week. But in a strange way, he didn't really mind it. It kept his mind off of everything else.
It was fairly late on Wednesday night when Auden wandered into Harper Cove, his backpack slung over his shoulder. He wasn't intending on staying - it was too crowded to study - but he definitely needed coffee, stronger coffee than was available at the cart in the library. He made his way over to the counter which, surprisingly, didn't have much of a line, despite the students hanging out. Auden was able to get his coffee fairly quickly. He also impulsively bought some Doritos and a bottle of blue Powerade, which he stuck into his backpack for later. Then he crossed over to the condiment bar so that he could add an unhealthy amount of sugar into his drink. He wasn't paying much attention to his surroundings, and so was taken by surprise when he heard someone say his name.
Chloe hated finals week. She never tested well and therefore she stressed hard about whatever ones she had to take. Toss on top of that the stress over the pregnancy and how she was feeling physically and Chloe was more stressed than she could remember being that week. She'd started studying early in the week and had finished up one of her papers when she'd been at Tim's for their usual homework night earlier that day. She hadn't wanted to stop since she was in a studying mood after she'd gotten back from Tim's and she also didn't want the quiet of her room so she'd made her way to Harper's cove, got a cup of decaf coffee (she hated being restricted on her caffeine intake but at least she could pretend it was real), and settled in at a table to get some more studying done.
It hadn't taken long for the actual desire to study to wear off though and she was doing more watching the people around her than actual studying when she spied Auden in line and decided that a study break was in order since she hadn't gotten to speak to him about Charlotte yet. So she'd called out to him, waving her hand when she saw him turn to look for whoever had called out his name.
Auden waved in return when he saw Chloe, and then returned to stirring sugar into his coffee. When he was done, he picked up the cup and carried it over to where she was sitting. "Hey," he greeted her, giving her a slight smile. "How're you doing?"
"I'm studying right now so...not great?" Chloe admitted with a shrug and a slightly sheepish smile as she gestured to the empty chair across from her. "however you're here so...a lot better than I was?" She outright grinned then as she rested gave Auden her full attention. "And it looks like you have fully leaded coffee...can I just...smell it? Please?"
As he took the chair across from her, he lifted an eyebrow, a bit perplexed by her request. "Sure, I guess," he said, tilting his head as he set the coffee cup down on the table, pushing it a bit closer to her side. "I've got to warn you, though, there's a dangerous amount of sugar in there. Might do more harm than good." Auden wasn't normally a big fan of coffee, and even when he did drink it, he sweetened the hell out of it just to make it tolerable.
"You have thoroughly killed the integrity of one of the greatest beverages in the world." Chloe announced as she pushed the cup back towards Auden. "It's about as good as my decaf here now." She added making a face before letting that dissolve into a dimpled smile for Auden. 'Thanks anyway."
"Sure," he said, returning her smile, though his turned a bit wry. "Even though I thoroughly disagree. You can't drink coffee without copious amounts of sugar."
"You sure can." Chloe argued. "I drink pots of it without copious amounts of sugar. Or at least I did." her voice took on a teasing lilt as she close the book that was in front of her. ""You're just strange Audi."
"Well, thanks for that, Chloe," Auden replied, rolling his eyes though amusement flickered across his face. "I'm going to say you're the strange one and leave it at that." As if to prove his point, he reached for his coffee cup and took a sip. "Awesome," he added.
'There are at least thousands of people in America who would argue with the fact that you just said I was strange." Chloe pointed out rather impishly, making an exaggerated face as he sipped from the cup. "You're supposed to enjoy and savor real coffee so I can live vicariously thought you Auden!" She shook head . "What on earth am I going to do with you?"
"Trade me in for someone better, obviously," Auden said dryly, shooting her a grin. "Except you'd miss me too much. It's okay to admit it."
"I would. I really would." Chloe admitted with feigned reluctance. "I can't live without you Auden, don't tell Charlotte or Tim, ok?"
"It'll be our secret," Auden agreed. It had been awhile since he'd joked around so easily, and he hadn't realized he'd sort of missed it until now.
"Yet another reason to love you." Chloe grinned. "So....Auden." She began her voice taking on a bit of a sing-song tone as she spoke. "I saw you at the Nickelodeon with Charloooootte."
Auden lifted an eyebrow at her and then looked down at his coffee cup, as if the dark liquid fascinated him. "Dunno what you're talking about," he responded.
"Oh you do." Chloe rolled her eyes as Auden looked down. "I know for a fact you do, since I already spoke to Char."
"Oh, well, in that case." Auden took a sip from his coffee cup, and then looked back at Chloe. "What'd she say?"
"Just that you guys are trying ..something . Not that either one of you know what that something is but still it's a start." She grinned. "Anything else she's told me I can't share but that's the jist of it. You in as good of a place as she is about it?"
Maybe it was a girl thing, to talk about stuff like that, but it made Auden feel oddly self-conscious to think about Chloe and Charlotte talking about him. Still, he shrugged his shoulders a bit, not focusing on that. "I guess so, yeah," he answered.
'Which is Auden for I don't want to talk about it?" Chloe queried lightly. She didn't want to appear that she was digging too deep into this even though she was genuinely curious. "Or that you're still...iffy about it. Which if you are is pretty understandable." She didn't know all of Auden's issues but she knew he had them which would make him being worried about getting too serious understandable.
"I don't know," Auden said, leaning back in his chair. "I mean, it's cool and all ... I'm happy about it." And he was - it was good to make a decision, to say that he and Charlotte were something, that they were giving it an honest shot, even if they couldn't really be defined with a title yet. But he would have been lying if he said that he wasn't apprehensive or scared about the entire thing, either.
"You're just..." Chloe paused Auden seemed tentative about it and she didn't know how to phrase that. "You're...worried?" She guessed. "Not that that's a bad thing. No matter how sure people are with how they feel about somewhat I've yet to meet anyone who isn't a little worried about how things will go...or am I totalyl off base adn reading far too much into your words?"
Auden lifted his shoulders again. "You aren't," he told her. "I mean, yeah, I guess I am ... I don't exactly have the best track record with relationships. I think we all know that." It wasn't that he meant to be that way - he started out with good intentions, but he also knew how quickly things could go wrong, how bad it could get.
"That doesn't mean this one will go down in flames." Chloe pointed out , aiming for encouragement. "In fact you could count past relationships as learning experiences and go from there...just a thought. I fully admit to being in my first real and serious relationship so it's entirely possible I don't have a clue what I'm talking about."
He smiled a little at that. "Yeah, well ... I don't know. I get what you're saying, but ... what happens when you sort of know what you did wrong before but you can't really guarantee that you won't do it again? I mean, you know?"
"You try your best not to do it." Chloe advised. "I think that's all you can do with life in general Audi. Try to avoid making the same mistakes twice. You might not succeed but all you can do is try." It was advice she herself was trying to follow considering she was pretty sure that nothing going on in her life was anything she could guarantee she could handle. She was just going to have to try and hope it all worked out like it should.
Auden thought about that for a moment, and then nodded. "Yeah ... I guess so," he agreed; he couldn't really argue with that. Despite how scared he was about the entire thing, he was trying anyway, and that was really all that he could do. Try and hope that it turned out decently.
"Well how about that." Chloe joked lightly as he nodded. "You're agreeing with me...am I getting all wise and stuff and not realizing it? Maybe there's hope for my maternal skills yet."
"I'll just call you Yoda from now on," Auden said, cracking a grin. "What do you think?"
"I think I am neither green nor that small...although i suppose i've been fairly green most days these days so maybe.." Chloe rambled and then smiled at him. "I'm rambling. Let's just go with calling me o'wise one, that work for you?"
"Fair enough," he replied, the grin lingering on his face for a moment before he looked back down at his coffee cup, taking a sip and contemplating whether or not he wanted to continue talking about it, or if he should just let it go for now.
Chloe too reached for her coffee cup, trying no to make a face as she sipped at it. She didn't care what people said she was sure that she could taste the difference between decaf and regular coffee and there just wasn't any sort of satisfaction in Decaf. She set the cup down, quirking a brow curiously and turning her attention back to Auden. "So Audi...whatcha thinkin' about?"
A lot of things, but Auden just lifted his shoulders slightly, and then looked back at her. "How are you doing lately?" he asked her, turning the conversation toward her instead of dwelling on Charlotte and the mixed up feelings he had about all of it.
Truth be told Chloe would have liked to quiz Auden some more about what was going on with Charlotte and she was still thinking she just might. Right then though she was content with the change of conversation. "I've been doing pretty good actually." She admitted. "A lot better than I have been to be honest."
"That's good. I'm glad," Auden told her, sincerely. Above all else, Chloe was his friend, and even though he couldn't entirely understand what she was going through, he didn't like to see her having a hard time. To hear that things were getting better, then, was welcome news.
"I'm even , almost good with everything." She admitted after a moment. She hadn't really shared that with anyone yet but Auden seemed receptive and he was genuine in his statement about being glad so Chloe chose to share with him. "That of course could change any given moment with the rockin' mood swings but for the most part..well. like I said almost good with it all."
Auden nodded, tilting his head slightly at her before he said, "That's awesome. So I guess ... you just needed some time to process it all, you know?"
"Kind of yea." Chloe agreed with a slight nod of her head. "I mean things aren't ideal but I've gotten used to the idea...thought about it a bit. I mean Tim and I have talked about having a future and a family. In the far distant future but still we'd talked about it... I do want that and I think I can deal with it happening now...even on some level wonder what it'll be like."
"The important thing is that you're doing it together. You know, regardless of the timing," Auden said, after taking another sip of coffee. It was a simplistic opinion, and yet Auden believed it, too. How different would his life have been if he'd had two parents? Normal parents. His father ... well. And despite how much Auden loved his mother, normal wasn't exactly the word he'd choose to describe her or her parenting techniques.
"I think so." Chloe agreed. She wasn't sure how she'd manage this if she was trying to do it on her own. She'd thought about it and had come to the conclusion that she simply would not have been able to. She figured though that as long as she and Tim worked on it all together and were aware that it was going to be difficult that it would somehow work itself out.
"Yeah." Auden watched her for a moment, and then added, "It seems like you're in a good place, though."
"I am." Chloe admitted. "Well except for freaking out over finals I am." She added as she cast a disparaging glance at her books. "But yea... things are okay for now I think."
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think pretty much everyone is freaking out over finals," Auden said wryly. "Hence the coffee."
"It's nice to have people to freak out with." Chloe decided lightly teasing. "And the whole campus is with me right now!"
"Yeah, exactly." Auden shook his head and grinned at her.
"So Audi." Chloe fiddled with the highlighter she had set on the table. "Think I'll be okay at it?" she asked suddenly. "The whole parent thing?"
Her question took Auden by surprise, and for a moment he was quiet, watching her. He'd never thought of Chloe as vulnerable, but she looked that way to him now - it was a subtle thing that flickered through her eyes. "Yeah," he said, speaking only when he'd thought enough about it to know that he was not saying it just to make it feel better, but rather, he was telling her something he actually believed. "I do."
Chloe wasn't sure what possessed her to ask Auden that question, but in those moments it simply felt right to so she had. A soft smile lit her features as she heard Auden's reply. It wasn't the answer she'd expected to hear and yet it pleased her to hear it. She knew Auden wouldn't like about it. Tim and Jeremy might, in an effort to make her feel confident they might say what they think she wanted to hear but Auden didn't have to do that, perhaps that, Chloe realized was why she'd asked him. "Thanks for that." She told him quietly. "Really."
"Sure," he responded, his tone also a bit quiet as he gave her a slight smile, something faintly reassuring in it, an unspoken offer that she could talk to him when she needed to.
"I've started to wonder what it's going to be like." It was strange to be talking so openly about this to someone other than Tim. Even with Jeremy she hadn't been that open with because she didn't want to weird him out. She didn't want things to have to change in their friendship until they had to and therefore she just didn't talk about it much. But Auden was there and he was listening and their friendship had never had really defined parameters anyway so in a way it made sense to confide in him. "What...he or she will be like." She clarified after a moment. "Who they'll look like...act like, you know? "
Auden nodded, resting his elbows on the table as he absently wrapped his hands around his coffee cup. "It's natural to be curious," he said. "I mean ... it's a person, you know? I think once the reality of that sets in ... it'd be hard not to wonder." It made sense to Auden; even though he couldn't imagine being in Chloe's position - nor did he want to be - he could think about it from the other side, too. How many hours had he spent trying to figure out who he was, what traits belonged to his mother, what parts of him were his father, what was left over that belonged simply to him? He still hadn't figured it out, and maybe he never would. But if he could think about it - and think hard - then it didn't seem unreasonable to assume that a parent would think just as hard, would wonder about the person that she had created.
"It's weird though. And Okay I'll admit I totally had these thoughts before this happened...once more that whole wanting a future together in the far distant future. It's weird to think that I'm wondering about a real person now." She shrugged. "I've got to sound silly, right? i just can't help it. I mean I could tell you exactly what traits I get from each parent and Tim's Mom say's he's just like his dad...What's our kid going to be like? We're so different in some ways. It's weird to think what combination could happen."
"It doesn't sound silly," Auden told her, shaking his head. "I mean ... I think all the time about what I got from my parents." It seemed weird to say out loud what he'd been thinking, and he fell quiet for a moment, and then continued. "I'd probably wonder what my kid would be like, too. It's just ... one of those things, I guess. Something you do."
"I guess." Chloe agreed. "I mean I don't know...A part of me feels like I shouldn't." She knew it didn't exactly make sense but it was how she felt. "Like...I shouldn't look forward to it ,to think about it like that because it's not the right time. "
He studied her for a long moment. "You don't have to punish yourself, you know," he finally told her.
Surprise flashed across Chloe's face as Auden spoke. "Punish myself?" She repeated his words, sounding them out, and realizing that he was right. that thinking like that really was in a way her punishing herself for making that mistake. "It's hard not to." She admitted. "Hard not to feel guilty since I'm the one who made the mistake..."
He lifted his shoulders. "It happens," he replied. "I mean, you know, there's always that chance ... it doesn't make it your mistake or fault." Auden absently pushed a hand through his hair. "It is what it is. But it happened, and you're accepting it, and blaming yourself isn't going to accomplish anything. It may not be the right time, but it's happening either way ... and wondering about the baby or thinking about what it'll be like doesn't mean you don't still have mixed feelings about it."
Auden's words made sense, they really did it was just that Chloe had a hard time accepting them. "Without getting into details I'm sure you don't want to know...The mistake of it is on me." She explained. "It really kind of is but...I guess you're right wondering doesn't mean that and..." She paused having a had time stomaching the truth of it. "Blaming myself doesn't accomplish anything I guess."
"Yeah," Auden said, as if by reiterating that point, it'd make it easier for her to believe it. "I mean ... one way or another, it's happening, right?"
"One way or another it's happening." With that fact Chloe had no argument for it was simply the truth. "At least I've got some pretty great friends to help me through it." She added as she shot a thankful smile at Auden.
He returned her smile, even as he said wryly, "Well, don't get all mushy on me, Chloe."
"I can't help it I get mushy a lot latley." Chloe added with a smirk as she teased him. "You're just lucky I'm not pouncing you and hugging you in the middle of The Cove right now, Audi."
"Well, you know. I could be into that," Auden deadpanned, and then shot her a grin. "Just, you know, don't tell Tim."
"It will be our secret." Chloe agreed impishly. "So you know, i can't do it here becuase of that... the second we're alone though Audi..."
"Oh baby." Auden shook his head in amusement.
"You know you're looking forward to it." Chloe retorted as she took the last sip from her cup of coffee. "Secretly you pretty much adore me Auden."
"I do," he agreed, finishing off his coffee as well. The caffeine - not to mention all the sugar - was starting to get to him; he could feel his energy levels spiking, and with it seemed to come a kind of wired amusement. "You light up my life, and all that stuff," he went on.
"Wow Audi."Chloe was laughing. "You adore me so much you're talking in song lyrics." She pointed out. "Total win for me. I may have to keep you around!"
"I adore you so much, I won't even sing them," Auden returned, unable to help a grin.
Chloe was still laughing as she glanced at her phone to check the time. "I'd love to sit here and be entertained some more Audi." She admitted as she began to gather her things. "But I"m actually trying to get a decent amount of sleep these days." Or she had to get a decent amount because otherwise she was completley exhausted was really the case. "Thanks for the talk though, really."
Auden was still amused, too, even as he nodded and glanced at his watch. He still needed to get over to the library to get some studying done. "Sure, Chloe," he said, in response to her thanks. The smile that he gave her was less amused and more genuine as he got to his feet. "Anytime."
Chloe got to her feet when he did, opting to pounce right then with a firm hug of gratitude simply because she could. "I'm going to hold you to that , Audi 5000 " she warned him as she slung her messenger bag over her shoulder.
Her hug took him by off-guard, but he didn't mind much. He returned it, briefly, and when he pulled back, he just nudged his arm against hers. "I'll look forward to it."