Douche. You come into town, you don't say hi. You get a job, and then you don't even tell me about it. Asshole.

Nothing says "welcome home" quite like poorly-spelled death threats painted on bricks thrown at my head. Regarding which, I appreciate the effort and planning put into this attempt at intimidation, but the execution was severely lacking. It's as though the good people of Fermont forget what my mutation actually is.

This town is terrible. I do not recommend it to anyone, and I will be back in New York as soon as I have fulfilled my obligations here. Back to my nefarious gay mutant agenda of planning French lessons, running my company, and attempting to teach children not to fly into walls. Tremble, humans.

Inquiring minds would like to know who names their kid Bucky? Is Bucky short for anything?

I guess I can't mope around forever. I should find myself a job or something. Maybe put my degree to good use finally.

If you don't know how to wobble then y'all gon' learn today.

[Private to Beach Party goers]
You bet your a-s-s I'm going to be playing this song.

Can anyone recommend a gym or someplace with good self-defense classes?

As I conclude this summer's endless book tour, I returned to my apartment in Montréal this weekend to find that my one lonely houseplant is still alive despite many weeks of neglect. This is what true victory feels like. Be proud of me, Ororo.

I'll be in Montréal through Thursday, then up to my first home in Fermont for a day. Fermont is a mining town in northeastern Québec: cold, isolated, lonely, provincial. They tend not to care for mutants or gays there, but I am the town's most famous son, so this should be exciting in myriad ways. Then back to New York in time for the beach trip and a hot date.

Oh yes, and my agent would like me to remind you all to go and buy my book, Born Normal. It's an inspirational, daring instant classic of a memoir with a buoyant message of hope and resilience for anyone who's ever felt less than normal. This is from the back cover blurb, so you know it must be true. Also, proceeds go to charities in support of children and mutants. Think of the mutant children and pick up a copy at any discerning purveyor of literature near you.

What day is it?