[Log] Moving On 101 Characters: Maria Hill & Tabitha Smith. Where: Sam’s Room, Columbia University. What: Maria tries to comfort Tabitha on Sam’s disappearance. When: Day 14. Late. Rating: Low.
Tabitha wasn’t sure how she got to Sam’s room or what she wanted to do here. The hours since coming to accept that Sam, like the others before him, had vanished without a trace had been a blur. She couldn’t remember talking to anyone (even though one look at the network would tell her otherwise). She couldn’t remember if she’d eaten, though she didn’t feel hungry. Or if she’d slept a wink, though she was in bed this morning. Her body and her mind had completely checked out. She was here, but she wasn’t here.
She stood at the doorway, her eyes searching every inch of the place as if she could catch Sam hiding behind the makeshift curtain or under the dilapidated bed in a game of Hide and Seek no one else joined in on. The only things she found, however, were four imposing walls and the stiff air constricting her breathing. She was suffocating, but her legs didn’t move to flee. Instead they took her to the edge of his bed and buckled out so she would nearly collapse on the bed. Her fingers gingerly touched the sheet; she could almost feel his lingering body heat even though the noisy logical part of her brain said it was more likely the sun coming through the window than a remnant of Sam’s existence.
She hated this. She hated that he, a stranger she knew less than a week, had the effect to twist her guts into shit. She barely knew him; at the same time, she felt like she’d known him her whole life and this - for some reason she couldn’t fathom - didn’t feel like it was the first time she’d ever lost him. It made no sense, and it made her feel angry and helpless. Above all, it made her scared out of her mind. All the courage and spirit she’d mustered since her arrival to this shit-hole was gone, replaced by an all-consuming fear that immobilized her. She didn’t know what to do without him. She didn’t know what she could do without him.
Head lowered and nails clawing into her thighs, she sat motionlessly, her mind unfocused, unaware that someone else had walked in.
Maria knew she should be focusing on getting to know the members of her team. Her team. She hadn’t wanted to be a leader, not after the water incident. She didn’t seem to have a choice in the matter, and damned if she was going to bitch about it. They gave her a job to do, she’d do it.
Right now, however, something else took precedence. A friend was hurting in a way Maria was familiar with. Tabitha had all but forced her support and friendship on Maria. That was something she appreciated, and wouldn’t forget any time soon. Now, not only did Tabitha feel betrayed by Nate, but she lost Sam. After the water incident and losing Valeria, Maria understood.
She had a feeling she knew where to find Tabitha, and she hadn’t been wrong. Maria stood in the doorway to Sam’s room looking in on the blonde and felt her heart ache for her friend. When there had been no reaction after she’d opened the door and watching for a moment, Maria went to sit down on the bed next to Tabitha. She didn’t say a word, just placed a hand lightly on her friend’s shoulder.
Tabitha didn’t know if it was fatigue in every facet of her being or if she simply didn’t care anymore. She didn’t react to Maria’s presence even as the bed groaned with the added weight. Even the hand on her shoulder took a moment for her to register what it meant. Her response to the sympathetic gesture was shrug her shoulder so that Maria’s hand would get off, and a hard stare at the woman that’d invaded on her private moment.
The weakness she radiated by sitting alone was hidden by a cold irritation. As with team rostergate, she didn’t know what to do with people’s sympathy and automatically mistook it as pity. She didn’t want pity. She didn’t need people feeling sorry for her. She was a survivor. It hurt now, but she would survive this.
At least… she hoped she would.
“What d’you want, Maria?” her voice was tired and didn’t match the harsh expression she wore. “Broke another heart and came to gloat? I ain’t got time for it.”
The glare. The accusation. Maria was beginning to recognize that as Tabitha’s way of avoiding the pain. Being a bitch was easier than letting yourself feel. Maria knew that all too well. Not that she had a better solution to offer. She was no better at this shit than Tabitha was. She just knew she wanted to try to help.
“Actually I came to see you,” she said quietly. She’d taken her hand back after the shrug. Pissing Tabitha off more wouldn’t do any good. “Make sure you’re okay. It sucks about Sam. At least you’re handling it better than I did when Valeria disappeared.”
‘You saw me. Woohoo. Got any more big mission you needa do or we done here?” Tabitha kept her gaze on Maria with a dull, uninterested look that said whatever Maria might have to say, she’d already heard it all. The last of Maria’s comments made her lips twist into a lopsided smile. Except it wasn’t smile because the joy that should accompany a smile never appeared. It was a mechanical motion; her body reacting the way it was expected to react.
“Ha, you mean ‘cause I didn’t pack my shit and leave, that’s handlin’ it better than you? Please. Don’t play me. I lost my cool. Everyone can see that and thinks I’m a joke.” She shrugged. It didn’t matter to her what the camps thought of her. Nothing in this place was grounding her anymore. Maybe that was why Sam was so important; he was the first person she met. He was the anchor that held her here.
Without an anchor, she drifted with the current of loss.
“You think I’m wrong?”
“Actually, it is better than me,” she said quietly, but firmly. “I don’t think you’re a joke and I don’t think you’re wrong.” Maria’s expression went stern, but it wasn’t directed at Tabitha. “Nate screwed up, and I told him that. I don’t care who Blaze and Betsy think they are or if they really are running this place. Nate’s a big boy. He could have put his foot down, and he didn’t.” Now she did arch a brow at Tabitha. “You two need to have it out about that and soon. Avoiding each other isn’t going to do anyone any good.”
Maria turned in place so she could face Tabitha more straight on. “People here are hot heads. Everything they feel they really feel. They’re scared. They’re hurt and they don’t know how to handle it all. So they lash out and say stupid shit. I’m not excusing them for that. I’m just saying don’t write them off for being what they are.” She smirked a little. “Dickheads.”
“Doesn’t matter now. What’s done is done. I’m over it. We move on or we get stuck, and this ain’t the place to get stuck in.” Tabitha gave a weak shrug. What Nate did or didn’t do wasn’t important now. She wasn’t going to forget about it, but she didn’t have the heart to dwell on it anymore either. It was easier to shut down and stop caring than hold onto that anger until it took over her. She moved on - that was how she would survive.
“Y’know you just described us too, yeah? We all do the same shit to each other then get pissed when we start fightin’ and yellin’. We’re a fuckin’ mess. Let’s be real, whoever really has their shit together in this hellhole is not someone I trust. You gotta be messed up to handle what this place is throwin’ at us so good. It ain’t normal. Thought I was doin’ pretty al’right but turns out I ain’t shit.”
She lowered her head, a breath she didn’t know she was holding escaped in the motion. Her fingers glided over the rough fabric of the bedsheet. “You still think ‘bout the little girl?”
“Are you kidding?” Maria said with a dramatic shocked look. “I’m the worst!” Then she chuckled and smiled. “But I’m trying to do better. Some blonde bitch kind of got that through my head not too long ago.” She had heard everything Tabitha had said to her, took it in and thought it through. She was working on it because Tabitha had been right. Damn it.
Then came that question. Maria wanted to shut down. Go cold and business, but that’s not why she came here. She came so that Tabitha would see that someone understood and was feeling the same things she was. So, Maria let the hurt the loss of Valeria caused show in the frown and lowering of her eyes. “Every damn day.”
“Yeah, she did? Maybe you oughta stop callin’ her a bitch then. That’s rude.” A ghost of a smile appeared on Tabitha’s face. It was nice to know that Maria took to heart what she’d said. It was ironic, she knew, that she wasn’t taking her own advice. It was easier to dish those out than applying to herself, she supposed. Or maybe, she just wasn’t as strong as Maria despite her tough exterior.
The shift in Maria didn’t go unnoticed. If anything, it amplified the one that echoed in Tabitha’s heart. She withdrew her gaze, finding it harder to look at Maria, and turned her eyes on the sheet like it was the most interesting thing she’d ever seen.
“You gave up yet? da Costa was callin’ me out for givin’ up so soon…” Her voice took a hitch - the first genuine emotion showing its way through. “... was easier, y’know. Don’t give myself hope he’ll come back. Just easier to close the book and say hey shit happens, we move on. We gotta.” It sounded she was more trying to convince herself now than to justify her behavior. Her lips were pressed tight but the tremble was noticeable. “... not like I don’t want him back. That’s what pissed me off the most ‘bout what he said. That’s bull. Sayin’ I didn’t care. I… I need him, Maria... I need Sam.”
Hearing that catch in Tabitha’s voice, seeing her defeated like this, it all made Maria want to go punch something until it made things right. Or at least shoot holes in something. That wouldn’t solve the problem, nor would it make Tabitha’s smile, her real smile, come back.
Once again Maria reached out to put her hand companionably on her friend’s shoulder. It wasn’t sympathy or pity. It was a gesture that said I’m here for whatever you need. “We never stop looking, but we have to move on. If we’re going to survive you’re right. We have to. Berto...I think he needs Sam too.” Who knew Sam had affected so many like this? His absence had left a lot of people injured in ways no doctor or healing power could help. “But I knew Sam, too, and he wouldn’t want either of you beaten like this.”
This time, Tabitha didn't coil from Maria's touch. This time, she even leaned a little into it to soak up the comfort. It was easy to be the girl who gave no fuck, but that left her out of touch with her own emotions. Like Maria said, her fear expressed itself as anger. She lashed out but she didn't want to be that person.
"He found me, y'know. The first face I saw in this place. He - made me feel like it wasn't so bad. As long as he was here. I felt... like I could do it. If he's with me, I can take what this place got. He made me feel safe..." Her head lowered as her voice quivered to finish her thoughts. "... I just want to know he's okay. I wanna know he's safe. He got out." The tears came quietly, trailed down her cheeks with no flare. "If he's fine, I can make it. I don't need him back, I just want to know..."
Peter had been the one to find Maria, too. Tabitha’s words reminded her of that. It made her heart ache a little more for what she’d done. It was seasoned with a good dose of guilt. They’d gotten close enough that she had trusted him. They’d gotten intimate. Pete had noticeably wanted more with her, and she pushed him away. No…shoved him away was a better way to describe what she’d done, and all because she was afraid. Fuck.
But this moment was about Tabitha, not her own stupid crap. When the blonde didn’t pull away then let herself break down a little, Maria rubbed her shoulder soothingly. “I believe he went home. Same with Valeria. I believe they’re back with their families enjoying a full meal and a shower. Safe.” It was what kept her going.
Tabitha kept her head lower, her hands covering her face as she reined in her emotions. She was never going to live down crying in front of Maria of all people, but she was exhausted down to her bones and her body was disobeying her commands. Even if she tried, she knew she wouldn’t be able to stop the tears. She took a moment or two to compose herself. Fingers dragged over her eyes as she looked forward again.
The moment of weakness was gone; it was time to toughen up.
“Yeah, probably.” It didn’t sound convincing, but it was a lie they both clearly wanted to live with. She shot a side glance at Maria, not facing the other woman fully yet. Now the grieving was coming to an end, there were other loose ends to manage. “I’m not gonna have to say sorry to anyone, yeah? For bein’ the way I was? I don’t do sorry’s.”
Maria would never tell anyone that Tabitha broke down. This moment was just between them, and she wanted their friendship to mean something. She wanted Tabitha to know she could trust Maria. Tattling to people that the tough blonde had cried would not only not accomplish that, but it was just mean.
She took her hand back when she felt Tabitha didn’t need it anymore, or perhaps, want it. A wry snort came from her for the question, however. “No one is going to force you to do anything.” Not if she had any say in the matter. “We have to accept people for how they are.” She nudged her shoulder against Tabitha’s. “We bitches don’t apologize.”
Despite Maria’s reassurance, Tabitha knew there were people she had to make amends to. She wasn’t going to pretend her feelings weren’t hurt by certain people, but she was smart enough to realize that this was too fucked up a world for enemies and not giving out second chances. She knew she wouldn’t want people to shut her out for good for a mistake or two.
The shoulder nudge drew a crooked smile out of her, and she finally looked at Maria full-on if only to give Maria a threatening stare. “I’m not a bitch, bitch. You keep callin’ me one and I’ll rip you a new asshole. Then you can have more sticks up your asses, you hear me?”
She kept her gaze on Maria and put away the joking tone and slipped back on the seriousness she wore not too long ago. “I’m not gonna forget ‘bout him, but you’re right, he wouldn’t want this from us. So I’m gonna - I’m gonna keep goin’. For all of us. This place would suck a million times more without me, yeah?”
A grin formed on Maria’s face for the bitch thing. “At this rate, all those sticks will make it easy to turn me into a puppet and move me wherever you want.” She chuckled. Yeah right. Good luck controlling her. You’d have an easier time saddle breaking one of the bugs.
Amusement gave way to a smile as she nodded. “Never forget. He meant something to you. Keep him where it counts.” With an awkward look on her face she tapped her own chest. She made that moment pass quickly, however. Sentimentality was not her strong suit. “Yes, it would! I expect you to call me on my shit. No one else does it quite like you do. But seriously, Deadpool is all yours.”