Kiernan was talking about meds, Ren, Zap, and more meds. Ronan cared, but the longer he struggled against the restraints and felt the padded straps on his wrists, the less control he processed over his watered-down brain. "Yeah, I get it." He squirmed under the loosely draped sheet while he weighted his options. Kiernan wanted to make a deal and Ronan hated his fucking deals, but his lovable big-bro had all the fucking leverage.
Mars tried to breathe, tried to stay calm, but the bed might as well have been bobbing up and down in rough surf - waves and white caps all around him. He couldn't be restrained - Kiernan could not leave this room with Ronan still strapped to the bed. He'd spiral down again. It'd be Zap going to Europe all over again. He trusted so few and it was the only thing that allowed him to keep a grip... a grip on anything real.
"You wanna know why I stopped?!" He was yelling, it wasn't intentional. He took a beat and a breath to calm down. "It's fine at first... takes the edge off, helps me remember what's actually going on and what's my brain tellin' stories. But eventually... I just feel fucking numb, Kier." He looked away from his brother and bit the inside of his cheek. The emotions bubbled up faster than Mars could process. "Yeah, I don't think the squirrels in Rhia's garden are plotting to overthrow the government..." For the record, he thought, he never believed that. Rhia on the other hand... never trust a ginger. "But I also don't give a fuck about anything. Sure, I love you, but when I'm on those damn pills I can't feel it, not like I do when I'm off. I couldn't give a fuck about fighting or fucking - or any-fucking-thing." Like the word fuck. "I just exist." His wrists involuntary pulled on the restraints while Mars struggled mentally to seek out the words that would convince Grasp. "It's like living every day in black and white, or eating nothing but mom's bland-ass oatmeal every morning - and not caring." He loved his parents but, unlike his brother, their mother could not cook.
Ronan's body relaxed against the mattress, it didn't matter what he said. He knew the only way out of this was to submit. He hated submitting. And he wouldn't have if he wasn't already mildly sedated and if it wasn't Kiernan asking him to turn over his sword. "I'll take 'em." He sighed out, almost in a whisper, then rubbed his face against the pillow to wiped some of the fresh tears away. "I know I fucked the dog on this one." And he knew how good the Murphy's had it here. Kiernan had sacrificed so much for them, in his mind's deepest labyrinth, he wondered if he would have able to do what Kiernan had done. If he'd been the eldest Murphy, would the clan be in as good a shape as it was. Probably not.
"For you," He finally felt strong enough to look Grasp in the eyes again. "Just please let me outta these before I have to do it myself."