[She's intellectually aware it's a lot, but it blends into the tapestry of her life too. At any given moment she's usually only focusing on one person. So it isn't until she's explaining it to him like this that she realize how it sounds. How it must look. How it might feel. She doesn't like leaving this burden with Chekov and if she's honest there's a moment of regret for Reid's sake too. Of course she never meant for any of it to be like this. Choices were made in the moments when it felt right to make them. She owns her choice to be with Tyki. Her experiences with Jack are murkier because boundaries were crossed when the wardens manipulated them. Her feelings are her own now though.
Maybe that future wasn't as unrealistic as she wanted to think it was. Maybe she would be or already is someone who wants to be open to other experiences. She never thought of herself that way. She couldn't even conceive of doing that while she was with Piotr. She could say it had to do with limited choices but what's more limited than this dome? She never wanted to be with anyone else while she was with Tyki but she started falling for Reid during that time. She just wasn't aware of it until after things were over.
And Reid... She put him through Tyki and Jack and maybe it was too much. So much of her is too much. She's full of unresolved PTSD and culture shock and issues. She loved him. She still loves him and part of her is still in love with him. The part that can't tell Chekov she loves him. She really believed it work. She never thought it would be easy. What is? But she always saw them as her future until that day on the rooftop when she was breaking up with him just to keep him from breaking up with her one more time. She hasn't let herself think about that moment too much or regret it. She doesn't want to think a functioning relationship was right around the corner. It didn't feel like it anymore. She wasn't trusting him with her heart and she wasn't sure she ever would again as much as she wanted to.
Yesterday, was like a balm in a way. It made Chekov look very much like the right choice. Things weren't perfect with the dome or with all her friends, and she was moved by those things, but she was still happy with her life. She had hope and love and there was just an ease to it where it didn't feel like she had to fight for everything all the time and she knew what to do with herself when she wasn't fighting.
Chekov is like a glimpse into that every time she's with him. Even in this moment as hard as it is she doesn't feel like she is in a struggle with him or against him.]
Always. [She leans in to kiss him, grateful for the words.]
Thank you for being in my life. I know that wasn't entirely us yesterday, but you made that Kitty feel so happy and loved and free and confident and... [Nope, out of words. Needs more hugs.]