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Martha Jones (notrosesshadow) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2016-08-29 10:19:00

Entry tags:

felix gaeta, martha jones, zero kiryuu

Day 391 - Open Action
Martha had hid in her apartment for a few days. She'd apologized to everyone she had hurt. And now, it was time to brave the world again. That wasn't her original plan. Martha's original plan was to stay in her flat forever, but she was apparently out of practice stockpiling. Besides, there were things to do. So she took a shower, styled her hair, and put on makeup. That would help right.

First on her list of things to do - destroy a camera. That was easy enough though. All it involved was buying a hammer and finding a good cement surface to beat the thing until it was just tiny tiny pieces. When she was done, she swept all the bits up and put it in a bin. Oddly enough, Martha felt lighter after that. Light enough to go about the rest of her daily errands.

Said errands took her to the library for a book or two, the convenience store for more food (she had to restock her stock pile after all), and some of the various shops for sundry items. She tried to avoid people when she could, but it wasn't always possible. Anyone could easily run into her anywhere.

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	didwhaticould 2016-09-29 11:01 pm UTC (link)
	Even though Felix could question her actual luckiness, the sentiment almost made him smile. "There was a saying on Picon: 'You attract the friends that you deserve.' In my experience, that's usually true." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notrosesshadow
2016-09-29 11:31 pm UTC (link)

Martha is fairly sure this is going to go the way of the Paradox Year. The guilt will bury itself to a point where she can live day to day without it affecting her. Nights will be miserable for a long while. And then it'll just be that thing that, on bad days or nights when she can't sleep, her brain will bring to the forefront. The occasional nightmare. The day when she absolutely needs a glass of wine.

It's not there yet. She still feels like she doesn't deserve friends like him and the others. But that would really be uncharitable right now.

"My mom lectured us on that when we were younger. I think it had more to do with Dad's new girlfriend than friends, but the underlying message was the same."

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didwhaticould
2016-09-30 12:18 am UTC (link)

That's the thing about guilt. If you don't learn to live with it and keep the bulk of it limited to nightmares, the only options are to drown in guilt or drown the guilt in something that makes remembering hurt less. Martha has to know by now that, regardless of which of those she chooses, she doesn't need to do it alone.

"Whatever her motivations were, I hope you can try to believe it."

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notrosesshadow
2016-09-30 12:35 am UTC (link)

"When it becomes a dull ache, I will." Her fingernail taps out a four beat tattoo against her teacup. "Spike thinks that'll take a week. I'm inclined to think forever. Likely it'll be somewhere in the middle. Closer to a week than forever. Can't judge it by Paradox Year terms. Two completely different events with different types of guilt. I suppose this is one of those things that I have to take a day at a time."

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	didwhaticould 2016-09-30 12:52 am UTC (link)
	Anything short of forever sounds wildly optimistic. Then again, he can only speak from his own experiences with guilt and he doesn't want to be a killjoy. "You'll come to terms with it in your own time, I guess. Just don't hold on to any guilt on my behalf or I'll feel guilty." He hazards a smile even though he isn't really joking. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notrosesshadow 2016-10-05 06:48 pm UTC (link)
	"Well we can't have that, can we?" Martha remarks with a small smile of her own. She takes another sip of tea and finally leans back in her chair, allowing herself to relax just the tiniest bit. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	didwhaticould 2016-10-05 10:14 pm UTC (link)
	"Not unless you want to see how charming I am when I'm wallowing in guilt." Even though his tone is light, his mood isn't. It should be; things are as fine between them as can be expected. Maybe it takes more than a few days and forgiveness to really fix something. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notrosesshadow 2016-10-05 10:52 pm UTC (link)
	Martha shakes her head. "If you're as charming as I've been these past few days, I think it's best we not find out." See? She can turn it depressing again. Martha casts about for something to say. This wasn't so hard a few days ago. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	didwhaticould 2016-10-05 11:04 pm UTC (link)
	He decides that not commenting on that is the safest course of action. A few awkward beats of silence pass. Felix stares down into his coffee. "Did you destroy the camera?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notrosesshadow 2016-10-05 11:07 pm UTC (link)
	Martha nods. "Into as many tiny pieces as possible. And then I swept it into a bin... Did you change your mind?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	didwhaticould 2016-10-05 11:14 pm UTC (link)
	"No, I just wondered. Did that help?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notrosesshadow 2016-10-05 11:32 pm UTC (link)
	"Sort of? Not so much the guilt, but it helped the resulting anger dissipate. A bit. I wish... "I wish you hadn't had a camera on that day of all days. I think I would have enjoyed posing for you. Are you a photographer?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	didwhaticould 2016-10-05 11:46 pm UTC (link)
	"I wish I hadn't had it, too." There's not going to be much joy in taking pictures for some time... or in looking at them. "Not a real photographer, but there was awhile where I wanted to be. Things like that fell by the wayside after I decided to join the military." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notrosesshadow 2016-10-05 11:58 pm UTC (link)
	Don't let this fall into a worse hole than it is Martha! She opens her mouth to apologize. Again. And realizes that's pretty much all she's done this entire encounter. She tries something different. "I hope that one day, you can find joy in it. I'd like to be there with you even. When you decide you want to try again. If you'd like." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	didwhaticould 2016-10-06 12:11 am UTC (link)
	No more apologies! He doesn't particularly want them and he really doesn't want to make her feel like she needs to keep issuing them. "I'd like that." A smile. It won't be happening any time soon since the whole thing rattled Felix more than he'd like to show. "Eventually. For now, I'll stick to other hobbies." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notrosesshadow
2016-10-11 09:39 am UTC (link)

She smiles timidly again and takes another sip. Another sip that actually finishes her drink. Martha deliberates a moment before deciding that this was the best they were going to get today.

"Thank you Felix. I really do need to go shopping though now. Perhaps we can get together again in a few days?"

Maybe. She wasn't sure how well this get together had gone. It didn't exactly feel right.

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didwhaticould
2016-10-12 01:13 am UTC (link)

Maybe it is best to end this particular meeting on that note. Something seems incomplete or missing, but he doesn't know what it is and doesn't care to puzzle it out in the next few minutes. It's smart to say goodbye while everything's going well, and things are going well, aren't they? Neither of them has had a meltdown. That's a success.

"Sure. I'll be around." That sounds too nonchalant to his ears, like he doesn't really care. He adds: "It was good to see you. I mean that."

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	notrosesshadow 2016-10-12 11:45 pm UTC (link)
	It's starting to feel like Sam all over again, only this time she know exactly what caused the awkwardness. His addition does help though, and Martha smiles back at him. "Looking forward to next time." And with that she leaves. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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