InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "E-MC-squared"

Martha Jones (notrosesshadow) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2016-08-29 10:19:00

Entry tags:

felix gaeta, martha jones, zero kiryuu

Day 391 - Open Action
Martha had hid in her apartment for a few days. She'd apologized to everyone she had hurt. And now, it was time to brave the world again. That wasn't her original plan. Martha's original plan was to stay in her flat forever, but she was apparently out of practice stockpiling. Besides, there were things to do. So she took a shower, styled her hair, and put on makeup. That would help right.

First on her list of things to do - destroy a camera. That was easy enough though. All it involved was buying a hammer and finding a good cement surface to beat the thing until it was just tiny tiny pieces. When she was done, she swept all the bits up and put it in a bin. Oddly enough, Martha felt lighter after that. Light enough to go about the rest of her daily errands.

Said errands took her to the library for a book or two, the convenience store for more food (she had to restock her stock pile after all), and some of the various shops for sundry items. She tried to avoid people when she could, but it wasn't always possible. Anyone could easily run into her anywhere.

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didwhaticould
2016-09-06 04:16 am UTC (link)

Gaeta always keeps appointments. He is, therefore, at the convenience store to meet Martha even though that's one of the last places he wants to be right now. It's not that he doesn't want to see her—he does—but he's almost certain that things are going to go horribly. They'd gotten perilously close to arguing the day before, and Martha hadn't seem convinced that he'd truly forgiven her. She might take any flinching or shying away on his part as proof of that.

But he's as prepared to talk to her as he's ever going to be. Presentation is a large part of success and Gaeta thinks that he's sufficiently composed and put together to hide his uneasiness. It's an act that has served him well in the CIC and on New Caprica; surely it won't fail him now.

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notrosesshadow
2016-09-06 04:08 pm UTC (link)

Martha, for her part, has already taken steps to not be disappointed. She was determined to not touch him. Not make the first move. Not flirt. She didn't have the right after what happened, regardless of what he said. It was time to be quiet. Submissive. Non-threatening.

She hoped she could follow through.

She walked up to him, hands in her pockets and shoulders hunched. "Evening, Felix."

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	didwhaticould 2016-09-07 12:07 am UTC (link)
	Martha looked miserable. Not necessarily the most promising start to any conversation. "Hello, Martha," he replied, the words stilted and tone more formal than he had intended. "Have you done your shopping yet?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notrosesshadow 2016-09-07 11:13 pm UTC (link)
	Martha shook her head and nodded up to the sky. "I've been watching the kites. There are some really impressive ones up there." Isn't that a nice, safe topic? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	didwhaticould 2016-09-08 03:33 am UTC (link)
	He looked up, not particularly interested but not entirely opposed to distractions, either. "Have you ever flown one before?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notrosesshadow 2016-09-08 03:44 pm UTC (link)
	"When I was younger," she nodded. "Nothing quite as impressive as anything up there. Just a simple diamond shape with a tail." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	didwhaticould 2016-09-09 11:50 pm UTC (link)
	"We could go try it out. I'm sure the same principles apply." Not entirely opposed to distractions rapidly shifted to actively searching for something to do because standing around is inevitably going to lead to talking. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notrosesshadow 2016-09-12 02:45 am UTC (link)
	Martha looked back at the sky. "Sure. I think I saw some kites over this way." She nodded her head in the direction of the park. She's just as ready for something to do to avoid the talking that should happen. She kept her hands in her pockets though. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

didwhaticould
2016-09-28 12:49 am UTC (link)

Her lack of enthusiasm wasn't making him feel any more at ease. Martha's subdued responses and the nonverbal distance she was establishing seemed like the precursors to something serious and grim, not an attempt to bridge the gap between them.

"Or we could go for a cup of coffee," he suggested, unconsciously echoing Martha's body language by crossing his arms. Maybe kite-flying was too lighthearted for the situation.

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notrosesshadow
2016-09-28 11:59 am UTC (link)

Her lack of enthusiasm was primarily due to the fact that they were literally doing anything but talking. Even though the talking was the thing that most needed to happen. And avoiding it didn't seem to be helping anyone.

Martha hazarded a glance towards him, noting the crossed arms. She chewed her lip wondering what the right answer was.

"I don't know Felix. I... I don't know the right answer. I don't know how to make things right between us. I don't... I don't want to fuck up again."

It wasn't what she had meant to say. What she had meant to say was, let's go get coffee. Whatever you want to do Felix. Instead, she'd panicked and told the truth.

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didwhaticould
2016-09-28 03:41 pm UTC (link)

That answer was clearly not related to coffee.

Since Felix didn't know what to say either, his only immediate response to Martha's words was silence. After a moment of contemplation, he uncrossed his arms and offered a hand to Martha. Slowly. The same way one would approach a skittish animal.

"You didn't." Fuck it up. Ruin everything beyond repair. "I've forgiven people I like a lot less for worse things. It's fine."

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notrosesshadow
2016-09-28 04:21 pm UTC (link)

Oh god! They're all so nice. So fucking nice and forgiving. Something Martha isn't. Wasn't. And why the hell is she so worried about it anyway? This isn't something to be squandered. From any of them. And yet... and yet it's hard to handle this. He offered his hand the way one would to a skittish animal, and Martha's first impulse was to run away. Hide. And she didn't know why.

Martha stared at that hand for a very, very long moment.

And then, just as slowly and very deliberately, she pulled a hand out of her pocket and placed it in his.

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didwhaticould
2016-09-28 05:40 pm UTC (link)

In the grand scheme of things, what Martha did wasn't that bad and that made forgiveness easy. She didn't try to subvert the democratic process or help murder innocents or betray the human race. She hadn't used Felix or purposefully betrayed his trust, which, while not nearly as terrible as killing, were things that he tended to take personally.

Martha probably didn't need to know what a low bar he had set for forgivable actions.

She took his hand and it felt like a small victory. He steered them towards Bean Crushers, reluctant to say anything for fear of scaring her back into her shell.

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notrosesshadow
2016-09-28 06:43 pm UTC (link)

Martha sat where he steered her towards, though she had enough presence of mind to ask for tea. She didn't care what type. Just tea.

Tea that she immediately grasped in both hands and lifted towards her face as soon as she had it. Martha inhaled the steam, forcing herself to relax. Her first sip helped further and she found she could form coherent thoughts.

"I think you're a better person than I am, Felix. You, Reid... the rest of them."

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	didwhaticould 2016-09-28 07:17 pm UTC (link)
	He asked for coffee with cream and sugar—all three still felt like luxuries—and waited for Martha to break the silence. She didn't say what he expected. "Maybe not." He looked at her over his mug. Calm. "If our positions had been reversed... if one of us had done that to you... what would you do?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notrosesshadow 2016-09-28 07:22 pm UTC (link)
	"I didn't forgive Spike. Not until I'd experienced life as a vampire. I held a grudge and lost friends over it." She took another sip of tea, letting it work its magic. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	didwhaticould 2016-09-28 07:53 pm UTC (link)
	"What was Spike to you?" It mattered. Some people were harder to forgive. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notrosesshadow 2016-09-28 08:46 pm UTC (link)
	Martha furrowed her brow. "When he bit me, nothing. I didn't think a soul did anything different even though Jack and Ianto tried to tell me differently. I was so mad at them when they entered a relationship with him. I didn't understand how they could just forgive him after he'd attacked them. And me." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	didwhaticould 2016-09-28 11:51 pm UTC (link)
	"So he attacked all three of you, gained a soul, and then entered a relationship with Jack and Ianto?" he asked, disbelief evident in the stress placed on 'soul.' Assuming he had the story straight, he could understand why Martha wasn't that forgiving. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notrosesshadow 2016-09-29 06:58 pm UTC (link)
	"That's the simplified version. We sort of shoved the soul in him. Some magic stuff that I didn't understand. Magic doesn't exist in my world. I don't think souls do either." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	didwhaticould 2016-09-29 10:08 pm UTC (link)
	"What are you getting at, Martha? You shouldn't be forgiven for your actions because you didn't forgive someone else—someone you didn't care about—for something similar?" Wasn't the flaw in that logic obvious? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notrosesshadow 2016-09-29 10:41 pm UTC (link)
	Martha takes a long time to think about her answer before speaking. "I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm very lucky to have you as friends." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	didwhaticould 2016-09-29 11:01 pm UTC (link)
	Even though Felix could question her actual luckiness, the sentiment almost made him smile. "There was a saying on Picon: 'You attract the friends that you deserve.' In my experience, that's usually true." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notrosesshadow
2016-09-29 11:31 pm UTC (link)

Martha is fairly sure this is going to go the way of the Paradox Year. The guilt will bury itself to a point where she can live day to day without it affecting her. Nights will be miserable for a long while. And then it'll just be that thing that, on bad days or nights when she can't sleep, her brain will bring to the forefront. The occasional nightmare. The day when she absolutely needs a glass of wine.

It's not there yet. She still feels like she doesn't deserve friends like him and the others. But that would really be uncharitable right now.

"My mom lectured us on that when we were younger. I think it had more to do with Dad's new girlfriend than friends, but the underlying message was the same."

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didwhaticould
2016-09-30 12:18 am UTC (link)

That's the thing about guilt. If you don't learn to live with it and keep the bulk of it limited to nightmares, the only options are to drown in guilt or drown the guilt in something that makes remembering hurt less. Martha has to know by now that, regardless of which of those she chooses, she doesn't need to do it alone.

"Whatever her motivations were, I hope you can try to believe it."

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