Twenty years? [Okay, when she puts it that way she really doesn't want to spend twenty years or more pining for someone she was only with for a few months. It's hard to imagine twenty more years. She didn't think she'd live this long. In one sense, she didn't.]
.........I didn't really know what happy was until him. [Or she'd forgotten. Maybe forced herself to forget so that her days didn't feel so brutal and hollow by comparison. When you're fighting just to survive you make sacrifices. You cope in any way you can to get you to the next sunrise. Getting out of that mode and back to something resembling normal hasn't been an easy transition. Maybe Reid was short cut of sorts. And since he's the only recent frame of reference for what happy is, it's hard to imagine feeling that way again without him.
Even though if she'd stop and really think about it, she has. She has friends here—good ones. Some of them will be here tonight. Many were at her birthday party. She has smiled and laughed and life has gone on without him bit by bit.]