[ helen presses the back of her hand to her mouth for a moment, turning around and striding off a few paces to clear her head. it only served to make her more confused. dealing with matters of the heart was not what she was good at. ]
And I haven't. I don't know. I spend my life figuring out every little thing and then I'm faced with this--
[ her control issues are starting to show. she's so rarely had something so frightening and so pure like this and every time she has, she's lost the person she cared for. john, james, ashley. can she handle that sort of loss again?
she has no idea. she honestly has no idea. and that is part of what's driving her crazy about this whole situation. she doesn't have an answer to any of this. with john, it was very apparent that he fancied her and she certainly didn't mind accepting his proposal when it came or anything before that. then james had come along when her heart was broken and raw, patched it up, and waited for her to make the move. she had, but it had taken her over a decade.
she doesn't have that time now. she has that time, but jean-luc does not. his life could end at any moment; she has no idea how long the average human lifespan is in his time and doesn't want to find out. not now. she might not have a choice in the matter. ]
I would have to tell him so much. I don't think I could keep up the persona I've been trying to hold here, the secrets I have to keep. At the very least, in the future, he deserves to know more of my personal history.
[ and that includes the time travel. and ashley. ]
Normally, I would have the time to skirt around everything, to test the waters, as it were... but I don't suppose I have that here.