"Yes, I blame myself for that." He said, catching where she was going with it. "There is a difference. You did not tell your sister that you would stop her from ever having an accident. I told Beth that I would protect her, from things like that." He said, gritting his teeth a little as he stared darkly into her eyes, trying to make certain that she understood exactly what the difference was. "I swore to myself that I would protect her the way that I could not protect..." He trailed off slowly and reached his hands up into his wet locks to grip them slightly. He could feel with each word he was hurting Raina, and he desperately wanted to figure a way to stop it... but he knew at the same time that he could not, that these words would hurt her no matter how he gave them, or even if he did not give them, because secrets would eventually come out... it was their nature.
"Explain it to you... could you explain to me what it means to be a woman, Raina, in every facet of it? There are some things that you cannot understand, some things that you should not understand... that no one should ever be forced to know. I can not show you what it is like to have the hunger forced upon you, and even if I could, I would not. And even if you could understand for a moment, you would not have a clue as to what it would be like to suffer through that for an eternity, to spend centuries just wanting to sink your fangs into something... to someone. To let go of that control for a moment and just free yourself to do terrible... horrible things..." He closed his eyes as he felt a shiver roll over his body at the thought of it. The idea of letting that... free... was so terrifying and yet there were times he could feel it like a monster clawing at his soul, shredding it in an attempt to get free.
"You said you wanted to be with me, but you had no idea what you were asking for. I..." He took in a slow breath. "This was my fault too, I should have not allowed this to happen... Time should have been a stronger lesson for me..." he said softly, his eyes unfocusing for a moment as he looked at her. "You can not accept all of me Raina... You know of there being something in me, but you do not know what it means to live with it, and there is no way that you can accept it. To know that if I was pressed hard enough, denied blood long enough that it could literally drive me mad, that I might get so hungry that I would hunt you down like an animal in order to kill you for what I needed to survive... do you really think that is something that you can accept, that you could smile away? To know that my hunger lead me to nearly rape her after I had saved her... or that if hungry enough it could easily happen again? Do you really think that it is so easy to accept that knowledge and be alright with it?"
"All that you know is the tip of a very deep, terrifying iceburg." Desmond said quietly. "And you can never be a part of me... not truly. Vampires at least can embrace the ones they love... make them as they are... I cannot make you a dhampir, Raina. I do not even know that vampire blood would even affect you..." he said honestly. That was perhaps the scariest proposition for him. He did not know if his blood could keep her young... and to slowly lose her... to slowly watch her waste away and die and be gone forever... was a horrifically difficult pain to bear.
"I do not know what I want... and in that uncertainty it is unfair to you to even... try. I had thought that it was my trepidation with this time, with the past that made me fear... and yet I thought for a moment that I was letting my fear get to me... that giving something a chance could have a result that was not filled with pain... I have already failed at that too..." he said softly, looking down.