Snapelike (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} snapelike) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} malfoycentric,@ 2007-11-26 17:12:00 |
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Title: Dear Severus, Part II (Part I)
Characters: Snape/Lucius
Rating: R
Word count:~ 20.000 (whole fic)
Summary: Severus receives a letter from Azkaban. It is the beginning of a long correspondence and a journey through accusations, rows and, finally, truth for the two wizards. Severus Snape's life and goals are to change forever.
Author's notes: Thanks to
ldybastet and imma for betaing. Any remaining errors are all mine. 3. The Universe, Tilting
When Severus had written the reply, he had realised two things. He was for the first time in his life truly intrigued with another person, and he was relaxed enough in his current state of life to actually flirt. His very own brand of sarcastic flirting, of course. Not too much, just a hint of... yes, a hint of what? He had asked himself that, but sent the letter anyway.
Lucius Malfoy, are you flirting with me? Now, there is a thing I would not have believed, had I not the letter here in my hand to prove it. I may of course be mistaken, but then I believe your interest in my legs or 'other body parts' (which, I can only guess) to be somewhat unsettling. May I enquire what exactly you mean by 'or having them wrapped...' when you are discussing my legs? Mr Malfoy, I think you are skating on thin ice here; a bit too anxious to ask me outright whether I am involved with Percy Weasley (which I am not, his wife would be furious and I would be bored) or if I am seeing someone else; too anxious to ask whether I prefer men to women. Too anxious to ask if I am possibly interested in you. Who owns whom now, Malfoy? I went to the Minister's ball. Narcissa was there, of course, she sends her regards, and asks if I would tell you she tried to contact you many times, but the Owls always returned with the letters unopened. She hopes you will be able to forgive her. Scrimgeour was busy dragging his trophy wife around and to have his picture taken with Harry Potter. Potter, however, was not especially cooperative, so Scrimgeour went for me. I think my picture decorated the Prophet's front page for several days after. I am now, thanks to you, dubbed 'the wizarding world's most interesting eligible bachelor' and causing headlines like 'Severus Snape: Hero and Bachelor! Who Will Be the Lucky Girl?' and 'Is Severus Snape the Minister's Secret Agent?' Thank you for the gracious gift. I admit I looked my best, which is not much, and I don't need you to tell me otherwise, we both know the quality of my exterior. The robe was much admired, and I had more offers from interested women that evening than I have had my entire life. I think I can get used to be a celebrity and a hero if it didn't involve contact with other people, women in particular. It wasn't all that uncomfortable, unless one counts the attempt to kiss me a rather drunk Rita Skeeter made while I was on my way to the gents. (I have put a clipping from the Prophet in the envelope, I don't know if it reaches you. Not about Ms Skeeter compromising herself, but about being the Most Eligible.) Draco is moving forward with Miss Greengrass, it seems. At least they are together every time I firecall your son, and I do believe I might have disturbed them, doing whatever it is young people do when they are alone, more than once. I almost wish myself back to the happy days at Hogwarts, chasing snogging teenagers out from their hiding places. Otherwise not much has happened. I have been invited to the Ministry a couple of times: advice regarding Dark Arts, they call it. I think they are afraid of what I am doing, afraid they don't have things as much under control as they think. Or maybe they are trying to determine whether I am going to set myself up as the next Dark Lord. That'll be the day. It would cost me far too much work. No, rather learn from you, as you were before you went bonkers and supported the Dark Lord again. If I am to do anything, I'll stand behind the power. Rule invisibly. But then you know all the techniques. Just see to it you never use them against me, Lucius Malfoy. I will make you regret it sorely. Severus |
Severus knew he had been superficial. Lucius had been flirting with him, and suddenly Lucius' behaviour in their teens had made sense to Severus. If Lucius had been - yes, what was it - interested in men, bisexual, all this time, then Severus could begin to see things, the way Lucius had been so very interested in him while they were young, in a quite different light. Only when he had received Lucius letter he had been too insecure, too uncertain of what Lucius really wanted. His reply had reflected that, and it was only until Lucius' next letter landed on his window sill he could uphold an air of ignorance.
Lucius letter had left no doubt to what Lucius asked for. The question had then been if Severus was willing to give it. Today he knew the answer. Otherwise he wouldn't have been sitting here, half-drunk, and waiting for a sodding Port-key to take him to the man he...
Severus broke off his dangerous line of thought and took the next letter, Lucius' reply.
My Severus, You know me too well, and yet you do not know me. Isn't that what brought us here in the first place, that we wanted, for maybe the first time in our lives, to be honest and look behind the masks? I have promised you I will not hurt you, nor will I use any techniques against you, at least not any of the ones you mention above. There are other, more interesting techniques I might consider. But that we can speak of if it will ever become relevant. I hope so. I admit you might own a small part of me, and also I am admitting I would willingly let you have that particular part - and a couple more, had you ever asked. Yes, I am a bit cryptic, that is how I am, but I think you, of all men, can understand my hesitations. However, since I was the one who began speaking of your legs, I might do you the courtesy and reply in a more direct way. If my words do not please you, I beg you to at least keep them a secret. I am flirting. Of course I am. Severus... I have often wondered who you were with, you were always so secretive. While we were young, and later when we joined the Dark Lord, all the time I wondered. I cannot remember when the wondering became an obsession, and the obsession changed into attraction. But your legs... wrapped around me. I dreamt about that. So there we are: I admit it. I wanted it then, and I still... I still wonder. I did get the paper clipping, you look marvellous. The robe is exactly what I hoped it would be, exactly what I imagined you wearing. It really emphasises your height. I think, my Severus, that if I were to kiss you, I wouldn't have to bend down to reach your lips. I am not surprised you were considered the belle of the ball, so to speak. Tell me; did you go home with any of those women, or am I reading your previous letter correctly? That you would rather have left with one of the men? Yes, of course you would. If I hadn't been quite certain of the fact by now, I wouldn't have asked, nor would I have written the above, at least not so blatantly clear. You accuse me of being a coward. Of being afraid to ask you directly. You might be right, but perhaps my cowardice can be remedied. And I realise by doing so, I am taking a risk, the risk of offending you, or even make you appalled with me. But I am willing to do that - if my reward is as precious as I believe it to be. I know you sometimes appreciate words with no hidden meanings, sentences spoken without any intent than what the words say. Regard the following questions as such: Would you, Severus, kiss me, if you had the chance? Are you seeing someone, someone who means something to you? And if I had ownership of those gorgeous legs of yours, would you mind if I wanted them wrapped around me? Is that clear enough? Have I avoided the avoidance? Did you see the mask fall and shatter? In anticipation (and quite a bit of anxiety, admittedly) of your reply, yours entirely, Lucius P.S. Now you made me forget about my own son. See what you are doing to me! I am happy he is making progress. Tell him I am well, and to get the girl if he thinks she is Malfoy-material. The world must be peopled, and he better get on with it. P.P.S. Get the Weasley working within the Ministry. Give him a raise, and convince him I have been in here for too long. Then set him on one of the less significant but relatively pure-blood-friendly bureaucrats. Bribe them by pampering them. It'll make sure a plea for my case reaches the Minister's ears, and things will work themselves out. P.W. in connection with my former wife's guilt will work wonders. Just make sure to tell her how heartbroken I am. (And I truly was. Only now it seems as if there might be one or two good things about what happened. That has yet to be determined, though. Also I have tried to spell this letter unreadable to others than you. I hope it worked, since I am not inclined to share my thoughts or my inclination with the entire wizarding world. Another risk to be taken, it seems.) |
He should have seen it coming. Even if Severus had read this letter so many times since the day he received it, it still filled him with the same mixture of doubt, disbelief and happiness he had experienced that day, so many months ago. How had it come to this? How had they moved from being almost-enemies to being almost-lovers. Because Severus had no doubt what was happening.
He was falling in love, rapidly, enchanted by the sudden honesty between them, and unless his eyes betrayed him, or Lucius' spells had altered the letter into something vastly different from what he originally had put on the parchment, Lucius felt the same. Even now, months later, Severus felt his heart skip, his breathing become ragged. Lucius was gay, and Lucius wanted him. How in the flaming bloody hell had he not seen it? How had Lucius not seen that he, Severus, was inclined that way? It was abundantly clear, since the number of witches Severus had ever touched was limited to one. The first and the last. He had liked Lily, only not in that way. Probably a good thing. Severus felt sick by mere the idea that he could have been Harry Potter's father.
Severus had read the letter over and over. At first he hadn't believed Lucius' words. When he finally decided he couldn't brush them off as Lucius' usual machinations, he had had to consider what it was he wanted with Lucius, if anything. If he dared. If he was able. Everything depended on whether Lucius was serious about this or not.
Oh, Merlin. Everything, Severus had had to admit. That was what he wanted. Everything.
Lucius, I must admit you managed to render me speechless. Your so called honesty... I am not sure how to perceive it. Also I most certainly hope your spell worked, or we will enjoy the immense pleasure of being outed on the Prophet's front page for not only a couple of days, but for the next month or so. I think you should have told me you were going insane. You are insane, are you not? I am sure your condition will get you out sooner, if I tell the Minister. I'll have Percy working on your case, he has received funds to entertain several of the Minister's secretaries, and I have sent Narcissa flowers (my first time sending flowers to someone, and it was your former wife... how low can I possibly sink?). Draco is working on Potter, he is certain that if Potter shows some interest in at least the fairness of you sitting in Azkaban for breaking into the Ministry, the case might be taken up for re-evaluation. Draco also tells me that the Greengrass woman will look splendid with the Malfoy jewels, but he will wait to see if anything comes out of our efforts before he makes a declaration. He prefers to have his family around him, he says, if there's to be a wedding. I cannot avoid addressing it any longer, can I? I wish, Lucius, I knew if your words are true, that I could trust you. You flirt, knowing very well who I am. I am not used to that kind of attention, and when I look in the mirror I know why. I am not used to being the subject of somebody's desires. Don't you think you are just bored, hence projecting your... attention to the one at hand? This... No, I see I cannot avoid the subject: since you already have put two and two together I will admit I am indeed fond of men. I never was cut out for women, they are too delicate for me, I think. Too complicated. And you offer me... you? Or am I mistaken? What exactly is it you want to give? Or are you just a body I can wrap my legs around (which of course would imply you were here in person) and get some instant pleasure, a night with you? After that? What then? You really must have been driven into insanity, even if there are no Dementors left in that cell of yours. You want to kiss me, you say. But why? Kissing is something so intimate, so deep, it requires trust and attraction and, well, love. I don't kiss, Lucius. I cannot afford it. I suppose neither can you, because a kiss is more, much more than legs wrapped around things and a quick shag. You don't know what you want, you just do this because no one else is writing to you. Stop it. I don't trust you. I don't know if I dare. Oh, damn you. I want you so badly. All of you. S |
When Severus had seen his Owl fly out the window and disappear, a tiny black dot on the blue sky, he had felt as if he was hovering up there with it, as if he had lost the firm ground he had stood on so long. His world was changing, and right now there was no way he could go back to things as they were before. Severus Snape had to realise he had become another person: still the same, still Severus Snape, but also vastly, fundamentally changed. Severus Snape, the lover of men. Or one particular man.
The days before Lucius' reply arrived felt like years.
My Severus. It wasn't so hard, was it? To admit it? I am of course appalled you believe me to play with you because you are all I have. You are terribly wrong. Didn't you read the part where I tell you I have thought of you for a long time, from before I married, even? That the part of me I had to abandon when I took Narcissa as my wife is still here, only hidden because I had to do my duty to my ancestors? That time is over now. I am free of that; I have a wonderful son, a son who understands his duty too, a son who is even in love with a girl he wants to marry. He is lucky. I loved my wife, but I was never in love with her. I was in love with you, even if you never knew. I think I still am. So if you ask me why I want to kiss you I will answer you, truly, and without any hidden meanings or agendas or plans or traces of boredom: I want to kiss you because I have dreamt of kissing you for a very long time. And I don't want to kiss you once. I want to kiss you many times, for as long as possible, and the only thing that concerns me in this is if you will allow me to do so. I want to kiss you because it means something to me - and to you as well, it seems. I want you to understand that kissing me is free, without any payment for you. I only want you to be with me. I can understand it might be to your liking. Your self-image is distorted, my Severus. You might not have the prettiest face on earth, but it is not what matters to me. Your legs are of course gorgeous, but it is your brain, your intelligence, your razor-sharp sarcasm that make me want you. Your eyes... like staring into a deep winter's night, with stars and the moon shining. You have beautiful eyes, my Severus. Of course your arse is gorgeous as well. If I try not to tease you any more, I admit I want you because you are you. I think you are right to say that you are the darkness under the mask that is no mask. That you are in fact more honest than most, they simply prefer not to see the truth because it is not to their liking. I, on the other hand, like it very much. I have known you for so long, and in this, in our letters, I begin to understand why I could never let go of the thought of you. You were the truth in front of me, and I did not want to understand. Now I do, and I want you. I swear to you it is the truth, I swear on my son's life. I think you know there can be nothing holier to swear upon for me than he. Yours, in any aspect of the word you might like, Lucius P.S. I think the Potter-idea is marvellous. For once the boy might be of use to us. Tell my son I love him, and to do his best. I am clinging so much to this I haven't even yet been able to fathom how my son came to accept Potter's company. The world is not as it used to be, my Severus. |
That evening when Lucius' words of honesty and attraction had landed on Severus' desk, anyone close by could have heard Professor Severus Snape laugh loudly, happily, even. Somehow Severus had a hard time believing the little black letters, forming a promise of love and tenderness and things Severus had never even dared hope would come to him. The night hadn't offered Severus much sleep; only after having found relief in Lucius' name spilling over his lips as a soft whisper when he came he could rest.
When morning came, Severus had realised he was still happy, but also scared. Very scared. It took two weeks to decide what to write and Severus' letter to Lucius had reflected what he felt; inadvertently showing off all his insecurities.
Lucius, Now I know you are insane, but I have no choice but to believe you, since you are willing to swear you are not lying to me. I will be honest with you, that was what we agreed upon, was it not? I have thought about your letter for a long time. About you. I cannot take back what I admitted; that I want you. I do. I have never been in love before, never had anyone I fancied. Just... brief encounters. When I look back, they were all young and beautiful, slender and blond. I wonder if it should have told me something, something I didn't know. Yes, I paid for them, I never wanted the complications or involvement that would be the grim reality if I had ever touched anyone in the wizarding world. Rent boys, that is what I have had, never anyone who meant anything to me but a quick release. I do not understand you. Is this what you want? An ugly, inexperienced man, without any idea of how to be with someone? Without any idea how to be a man, a lover? Then you must truly be insane. How can we ever make our lives compatible? You are... perfect to me. You are so beautiful, my friend. I cannot see or understand what I should possibly do with all the perfection, with all the beauty. You have everything. I have nothing. I am not even certain I have anything to offer you. You might ask if I am in love with you. I don't know. I am not aware how love should feel. One thing I know, however, is that I cannot stand the thought of you being in that prison for as much as one moment longer. I am desperate because I cannot talk to you, cannot touch you (Oh, I want to. Merlin, I want to!), cannot kiss you. I want you out of there, to hold you. I want you out of there because it would make you happy. Do you think it is love? It never occurred to me before to worry about making anyone happy. I want to make you happy. So, does that bring us to a conclusion? Love... is that what this is? Or are we just desperate men, longing for something we cannot have? I am willing to take the chance. I am going to the Minister to talk to him about you. Percy and Potter are doing well, they are both working on your case, Potter just doesn't know why. But he is touched by Draco's immense (and quite exaggerated) sadness over the loss of his father, who is now reformed. At least that's what Draco tells the brat, and it seems to have woken up his Gryffindor traits. One thing, Lucius. I am not blind. I know you. Betray me in this and I will make you regret it for the rest of your very brief life. I swear on Albus' memory. I want you here with me. You have made me long for something I never thought I could have, and I want it. I want you. Yours, Severus |
Severus looked at the next letter. He knew he had never waited so impatiently for an Owl as he had done for this one. He had then - even if he knew Lucius wasn't allowed more than one letter a month - stopped himself from staring at the sky from his living room window, annoyed with the clear blue sky, empty. He had startled every time an Owl passed by, hoping for the letter that wouldn't come, not until the weeks had passed and Lucius was allowed to send the prison's Owl.
Severus had used the time to write to the Minister, to Narcissa, to every person he believed willing to support their (when did it become 'their'?) case. It had made the days pass by faster, and both Narcissa and Scrimgeour had agreed to see him. That, at least, had been something. He was glad it was over now, that he had made it happen, that he - for once - had made the world conform to his wishes.
Maybe his world had conformed. But it hadn't prevented the universe from tilting when Lucius' answer had arrived.
My Severus, I am not going to betray you. I am not going to use you. All I want from you is to give this a chance. I cannot guarantee you it will work out between us, but at least let us try. We have known each other for so long... we know all the bad things, the little annoyances, the unfortunate affiliation with the Dark Lord. I think we ran out of secrets somewhere along the road, and the only secrets we have left now are the pleasant ones. I want to know some of them. Like how you look when I close my hand around your cock for the first time. I want to find out if your eyes go soft when I kiss you. How your lips taste. Which parts of your body respond to mine, the small spots where my lips slide over and you moan because you can't stop yourself. I want to solve those secrets, my love. I want to see the expression in your eyes when you let go, when the pleasure I have given you becomes too much, and you rise with me to a heaven that will be only ours. Ours, Severus. I will give anything to make it come true. Who thought it would come to that? You might object and say that it is prison which made it so. I agree to an extent. Prison gave me time to think, to find out what I want from life. Scheming and power-games have no use in here, not unless it is a question of making one of the guards do me a favour. Becoming leader of the inmates is not an ambition of mine, I can truly say that. If you were to ask me what I miss and what I want most, I would answer you truthfully: warmth. The warmth in the eyes of the one I love, and who loves me in return. The warmth of his arms, and the fire in his lovemaking. Power and prestige hold no meaning or sense compared to that. That is the conclusion I have come to after years in this hell-hole. Warmth, Severus. The warmth of seeing my son happy, holding a grandson or -daughter in my arms. Having a family. That is all I want, and I would pay every Galleon I own to get it. Galleons come easy. Love does not. So indulge me. If you think you would find pleasure in this, indulge me. I think your life might have been cold as well, I wonder if you have ever felt any warmth after your mother's death? I want to find out, Severus. I want to make you feel warm. If it is for one night or for life? Who knows? But I think we need to try and find out. Yours truly, deeply, if you want me, Lucius |
So Lucius was still able to surprise him deeply, Severus had thought, when the strangely affectionate letter had reached him. He would never have believed Lucius able to reach a point where Galleons and status didn't matter to him more than the company of someone loved. Of course there was the fact that Lucius had cared deeply for his son and wife, so maybe it wasn't as improbable as it seemed.
Also Lucius' sensuality had been a revelation. This was the man underneath the cool surface? Severus had suffered from almost teen-like wet dreams a couple of days after and the impression and delightful thought of the passionate, loving man had not left him since, occasionally sending Severus to somewhere very secluded to take care of his needs. Or at least the needs his hand could still.
But Severus had become suspicious. The more he worked on Lucius' release - the one from Azkaban - the more he fell into his former behaviour as the triple spy, finding hidden traps all over the place. The letter he had written to Lucius largely ignored Lucius' passion, and dealt mostly with business.
Severus was simply scared senseless.
Dear Lucius, I am sure now that your brain is affected, but I have always been told not to contradict the insane. So I will not disagree with you. I will even go as far as to admit you might have changed, as sure as your priorities have. I do believe that, no matter if you are insane or not. I have been to Azkaban, I know what it feels like, and I believe you. I went to see the Minister. Narcissa has turned out to be a good friend, it might be her conscience nagging, but she whispers in Scrimgeour's ear and he listens. It is not a popular opinion - that you should be let out - but Draco has Potter and the horrible Granger girl working on the case now, amazingly enough. Your son is a remarkable actor, I must say. The sad expression and the wet kicked-puppy eyes he manages in their company are worth an award. And as it is, they are falling for it. The Granger woman is already stirring up problems for the Wizengamot, comparing contemporary Muggle law with the wizarding one. She speaks of unfair trials, injustice and cruelty and it seems to work. Your former wife says it is almost certain that Rufus will break when the first articles on the topic hit the Daily Prophet. Someone will make sure they do. Public opinion tends to turn the way Potter goes, and Potter is as positive as can be expected, since you (with good reason) tried to dispose of him and his intolerable friends. Minerva came to visit me. It made me sad, she looks old, as if the wounds Albus' death gave her, never healed. She wants to stop working, she said, wanted to go home, take care of her family. I think I understand her. I never thought it as a possibility for me, though, to have a family. I am used to a lonely life, but what I saw when Minerva was here, the way she sees her family as her relief, it made me understand what I have never had and is now offered. Do you believe, Lucius, that there is any sensible reason to do this? Apart from you being horny and bored and me feeling lonely? Is it but a fling, a wobbling, weak idea without any connection to reality? Maybe things will look very different when you are out of Azkaban, when you have been in my bed once... then it might just be... wrong? I don't want you to promise me anything. I release you from anything you might have offered me. I cannot bring myself to dare hope. I will see to it that you are being freed. You can go on with your life and never think of me. I will not hold it against you. We do this without any promises. Severus |
Lucius next letter had been there promptly, as quick as Lucius was allowed to send it. It had told Severus exactly why he thought Lucius was the most infuriatingly arrogant, stubborn, annoying know-it-all (Granger excluded) in the wizarding world. Defences crumbling? With pen and paper the manipulating son of a pure-blood had demolished any defence Severus ever had. This was the end. Severus gave up and blamed fate. He would have nothing to do with it, it was all fate. And Lucius.
Oh no, my Severus, That is not how we play. I believed you to have a brilliant mind, far beyond any other man, but now I see you are but an insecure boy. Read my letters, my love. Please look at them and see. Don't think I am doing this to lure you or to walk away from you the moment I am outside these cold, grey walls. Use your logic and understand what I am telling you. I want you. I have wanted you for a long time, and prison has not altered that, only the possibilities I had to act upon it. Can't you see what you are doing to me? My defences are crumbling, I admit this to you openly. You have taken away any weapon I have to protect myself against you. I stand here, naked before you, willing to give you anything you want from me. Do you think that to be possible, had I no feelings for you? I don't want to revoke the promises I have given you. If you will take yours back, do so, but it will not alter anything nor will I take anything back. Perhaps you feel better now? Or perhaps you are the one who regrets this? Is it because I can't promise you forever? No one can, my Severus. No one. I hope for it, but none of us have any possibility of knowing for sure. Never think that means I don't want forever with you because I do. I can think of nothing I would rather have. Please, Severus, get me out so I can prove to you how wrong you are in not trusting me! Yours, and that is a promise, Lucius P.S. Now you did it again. Made me forget everything because of you. I will look forward to being in our bed when that happens the next time, my distracting and annoyingly infuriating love. I, at least will do my best to make you forget everything but me and what I will do to you. I think you might be notorious in the way you fill my mind with things much more pleasant than politics. Minerva came to tell you? Oh, my Severus, I think the Minister has one or two conditions to my release, but we'll see. We'll see! Also tell my son he doesn't have to wait. I'd be happy to see him married and with a new Malfoy heir on the way when I am let out of here. P.P.S. Don't be so afraid. I'll take good care of you. |
Severus' words had indicated his defeat. He was obviously stuck with a haughty pure-blood who wouldn't take no for an answer. It wasn't his responsibility any more, from now on he would insist on the right to be foolishly in love for the first time in his life, not that he would behave any differently towards Lucius because of it. Severus had worked relentlessly for Lucius' release, and both the clarity regarding his feelings for the man, and the clarity of what would happen to Lucius came almost at the same time.
At a price. And as usual it was Severus who had to pay it. There was no such thing as free lunch.
Only this time he actually was at a risk to get something worthwhile in return for the payment.
You were right. Is that something you intend to continue, because I am not entirely comfortable with an eternity with you if you insist on being right all the time? Maybe you are just out to drive me insane from need and annoyance? Rufus asked me to his office today. He had the latest edition of the Daily Prophet on his table, and since I had read the same issue before breakfast, I knew what it said: Hermione Granger has once more found a cause, and that cause is you. My sincerest condolences, but you will probably have to be kind to the woman when you are free because the Minister is afraid of her and it will give you the ability to manipulate him through her. He knows she has everyone who meant something in the war behind her, even if they don't agree with her. She might be a powerful ally to have. The Minister gave me an offer. I can't refuse it because then you are not getting out. He's afraid of me too, afraid of what my blooming business can turn into, as if I'd willingly gather Death Eaters around me to set myself up as a new Dark Lord. But this is how it is, Lucius: He wants me to take over Minerva's job. Hogwarts needs a strong leader, one who can protect the children if anything unfortunate should happen. (Incredible a man of his knowledge, a famous Dark Wizard-hunter can be so abundantly ignorant!) I wonder if he really doesn't understand Voldemort is gone. He wants me, cleverly enough because, apart from Remus Lupin, no one knows more about Dark Arts than I. Kingsley, maybe, but he's busy training new Aurors when he's not shagging your former cousin in law, Nymphadora. Once more I am put in a situation where I have to give up everything for others. Is it worth it, Lucius, this time? One night with you, that is what I can look forward to, that is all I know I can win. Is it enough? To feel you naked under me, to taste your kisses on my lips, to be able to hold you, watch you come undone under me? Is it enough? I have asked myself that question over and over and over since I stepped out of Rufus' office. Headmaster of the finest Wizarding School in the world. An honourable title. The Minister also wanted me to be your gaoler. He was uncertain what to do with you when you are out, even if Narcissa has done her best to calm him down. I think she managed to convince him that I was able to manage you. So here are the conditions - mine, not yours. I'll accept the post as Headmaster, sell my business and allow you inside the castle walls so I can keep an eye on you. I think they'll let you into the manor as soon as they can see you are not immediately hoarding your old friends to rebel against the honourable Minister. Severus Snape: prison guard and teacher in one. Just what I dreamt of when I decided to leave Hogwarts a year ago. I don't think they have any idea we might be more to each other than just friends. Maybe your spells worked, or they got tired watching us bickering at each other. But this is important now, Lucius. This is serious, not just tender or heated words on a piece of paper. Are you ready for this? Are you ready to accept the circumstances? I won't call them conditions in your case, because I am certain they don't give a damn what you want or think or believe. I, on the other hand do. I will be the one who accepts the conditions, and I will only do it on behalf of both of us. Very Slytherin of me, I know. I know I have made several detours in this and in the letters before this. But if we concentrate things a bit: (and don't let this make you believe you actually mean something to me) I want you with me. In my bed. In my life. I know there are no guarantees, but maybe this is the only chance I get. I will get a very prestigious position. I'll have the man I care for, if he decides to stay with me, maybe I'll have love and faith and a family of my own. I am willing to risk quite a lot for you, Lucius. Don't let me down. Let me know your decision. I'll keep the Minister waiting until then. Severus |
Lucius' borrowed Owl had had no problem carrying the tiny piece of parchment into Severus' office. It had only been a little more than a month ago, and the days that had passed by since then had felt like they had been manipulated into some kind of eternity. Time was leaden, slowly ticking.
Severus looked at his watch. Fifteen minutes left out of so many, and he would face the truth. In fifteen minutes he would be pulled away by the Port-key, to Azkaban, to the man he had come to love. It felt unreal. Severus looked at the few letters they had exchanged since the meeting with the Minister. There had been little left to say. It was as it the anticipation had taken over, as if the need to communicate had stilled, even if the Minister had lifted the ban on Lucius' Owls after his brief reply had sent Severus back to the Minister's office.
My Severus, Finally. You did it! I will not ask you to do this for me. It is your choice, but I have no objections being your prisoner. Do you have an adequate bed? Large, soft? If not get one now. Because I will insist to be imprisoned close to it, and preferably with you in it as much of the time as possible. Headmaster? Well, Severus... Next for you is a place in Wizengamot, if you follow in the footsteps of former Headmasters. And when Scrimgeour is gone... Who knows? I must say your ambitions are nurtured in the most exquisite way, even if it might not be what you planned. I, on the other hand, always liked to be the man behind the Minister. I am certain I will like it even better when you are ready to take over. Severus, only accept if you think you can do it. Don't go back to Hogwarts for me. We will find another way to get me out. I would not want to see you unhappy. On the contrary. Yours - no matter if I am in here or not - Lucius |
It had been a busy time since then. Severus had worked hard, assisted by Minerva, to get into things. He had taken Percy with him as his deputy headmaster, something that made the proud young man look even prouder. It didn't matter, however, because Percy Weasley was competent and unbelievably enough good with the children, a great relief to Severus, who that way could see as little of them as humanly possible. Percy would do well as the head of Slytherin House.
Severus took the last letters, briefly looking them over, nothing but short messages, not revealing the expectations and anxieties he held.
Love, you'll be released Tuesday, a week from now. S |
So I'm your love now? You better come for me, or I'll be sorely disappointed. Bring decent robes. I am not leaving this as another convict, and I am not fond of the design of my current robe. Lucius (yours, as if you didn't know) |
I will. Tomorrow. |
Slowly Severus collected the letters and tied the ribbon around the bundle. He pushed the heavy chair, that had once been Albus', back to get ready. In a few minutes he would know if what he had done had been right or wrong. On the wall behind the chair Albus' portrait twinkled blue-eyed at him, as if to confirm his actions. The old Headmaster knew far too much.
The newest, youngest Headmaster, however, collected the robes he had purchased and wrapped a warm travelling cloak around his shoulders. Azkaban was cold no matter what time of year. Severus put a hand in his pocket, wrapping it around the Roman coin that would pull him out of his office and to the North Sea. He was ready.
4. Flying
'Mr Malfoy is ready to see you now,' the guard said, opening the door to the cell that had been Lucius' home for more than five long years.
Severus had handed the guard Lucius' clothes. Lucius had, arrogantly, denied to leave his cell until he had had time to change. Severus could see why; the patched and worn prison uniforms were degrading and not exactly what one wanted to wear when one was to receive one's friend, one's lover-to-be.
Severus smiled, a bit sarcastically, at the first sight of Lucius. There he was, a shining gem in the middle of the filth and gloominess. It was exactly as Severus had accused Lucius of, once: the man was able to stand in the middle of the dirt and look like the haughty pure-blood he was.
'Severus,' Lucius drawled. 'How nice of you to offer to accompany me to Hogwarts.' The tone was arrogant and for a moment Severus was taken aback, for a moment the prison's smell and greyness threatened to leave his world in ruins. Lucius hadn't lured him, had he?
There was a deep silence between them.
A sentence from one of Shakespeare's plays, one Severus had wondered about when he was younger popped up, unbidden, in his mind. Silence is the greatest bringer of joy.
Severus had never really understood that, but then the world moved again, and in that moment he did, there, in the dark, dank corridor he understood. Lucius looked at him, behind the back of the impatient guard. And no silver had ever been more costly to him than the silent joy that shone in Lucius' grey eyes, no diamond had sparkled more brightly than the soft smile Lucius sent him. It was a poignant silence, filled with emotion and unspoken words, words which would be said later, when they were alone.
Severus' doubt - the doubt he had in himself, the doubt he had harboured regarding Lucius' feelings for him - disappeared, vanishing the cold and the gloom which for a little while had inhabited Severus' heart.
'I trust you have a Port-key back to the mainland,' Lucius asked softly, as they walked down the narrow stairs to the courtyard. A flighty hand brushed over Severus' arm, an almost invisible caress, maybe to reassure Severus that his feelings were safe, as was his heart.
'Yes,' he managed to croak, now increasingly nervous. The seconds until they were finally alone ticked away, and Severus really had no idea of what he would do when they arrived in what would be their flat at Hogwarts.
'And when is it activating?' Lucius demanded, the laughter bubbling in his voice. 'Soon, hopefully, since I have no intention to use more time than absolutely necessary in these... beautiful surroundings.'
'Five minutes.' Severus found the Roman coin in his pocket, getting ready to being pulled back at the school, away from the charade Lucius had decided to play. Of course a Malfoy wasn't allowed to show any anticipation or joy. A Malfoy was always calm and collected. However, the guard didn't seem to care what they did. He was probably happy to get rid of Lucius, preferably as fast as possible. Severus wasn't in doubt he had been a difficult customer. 'You better... come over here,' he said, offering his hand to Lucius.
Lucius nodded and slid an arm around Severus' waist. His hand moved slightly, as if to caress more than to hold. 'I'd be delighted', Lucius whispered in Severus' ear, letting the damp warmth of a breath ghost over Severus' ear. He shuddered. 'Cold?' Lucius asked.
Severus shook his head. No. He just wanted to go home and find out how in Merlin's name they were going to break out of this strange inertia that threatened to set a wall between them. Before he finished the thought they were transported away, only to land in Severus' flat a little later. It had been some time since it was necessary to ward the castle so heavily as in Albus' time.
'Have you grown so much into the habit of communicating with me via Owls that I have to write you a note to get a kiss,' Lucius purred, almost before they had set feet on the floor. 'Or do I have to take it myself? Some welcome,' he sneered, but his expression still held the quiet happiness Severus had seen earlier.
Actually, Severus had no time to answer before Lucius' lips met his, taking breath and words away. And Severus didn't have time to protest, either, because Lucius was dragging him into their bedroom.
In the years to come Severus often felt that way; as if he was flying, hovering without any control, when Lucius decided he needed to sweep him off his feet (and his remarkably long legs), something that happened regularly. But since Severus later took (and held for many years) the highest position available to a British wizard, it probably was something he imagined. Luckily he had Lucius' warm, hard body to wrap his legs around when it happened, so Severus didn't really mind. Not at all.