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Tweak says, "Jerk. Bitch."

Helena Wells-Quinzel is H.G. Wells (indelibleink) wrote in makebelievelog,
@ 2013-05-16 01:57:00

Entry tags:

gwen stacy, h.g. wells

Who: H.G. and Gwen
What: Christina's birthday was always a difficult day for Helena, but today was going to be exceptionally difficult.
When: Early morning on the 16th, shortly after dawn (slightly forward dated)
Where: Castle grounds
Warnings: Lots of feels, everything else TBA

When Helena wasn't working, she was focused on packing her things into the boxes Claudia had provided so she could move into the room next to Claudia and Elena's. She hadn't been sleeping much, rare more than a couple hours at a time. If it wasn't difficulty falling asleep due to the lack of Myka's presence, then it was nightmares or other dreams centering around Christina that woke her up. Her friends here certainly helped, but there was little any of them could do short of taking Helena's memory away from her so she didn't hurt anymore. But even as painful as it was, Helena knew she had to move through it and just see what awaited her once she got to the other side.

Or if she got to the other side.

The pain of Christina's loss was more than difficult enough for Helena to handle, but to add Myka's on top of it, it was killing the Victorian woman. Even though she hadn't said much, she was fairly certain Claudia could tell. It was pretty much a constant battle for Helena to not shut down on herself again. Each breath she took hurt and she knew she was living on the edge. As much as she knew it would be easy to just fall over the edge and fall back within herself, she couldn't let herself become that again. Emotions always were Helena's undoing. When she had strong emotions, it was difficult, more than difficult, to control them. They typically controlled her, and for her it was easier to embrace anger than it was to embrace the pain. Her pain ran so deeply that much of the time she felt it had no end.

Helena jerked awake some time before dawn. Sitting up abruptly, she glanced around the sitting room, the television still being on and showing some movie. Not caring to see what the movie was, she switched the television off. Getting up, she wandered over to the bedroom, the one she'd been sharing with Myka the previous few months. She paused in the doorway, some measure of hope telling her Myka would be in bed safe and sound. But as she pushed the door open, that spark of hope dissipated. Myka wasn't there, which meant she had to face this day without the one person who knew her better than anyone else. Brushing a hand through her hair as memories of Christina started filtering through her mind, Helena knew there was no hope of getting any more sleep. Needing to get out of the room for a while, she decided to go for a walk. At least once she changed her clothes.

Once she was in clothes that she hadn't slept in, Helena headed out to the castle grounds just as the sun was beginning to peak over the horizon. Picking a direction, Helena just began to walk, not necessarily paying attention to where she was going. Memories overtook her, her mind drifting back to the 1880s, back to the time before she'd been broken and twisted and made into a completely different person. It always hurt to remember those days, when she still believed anything was possible and she believed in humanity. Those days were filled with an optimism that she no longer had. On her best days now, Helena was neutral about the future. On her worst, she didn't see the point to life when all it brought was suffering.

"Mummy?" A voice from the past suddenly echoed within her mind. Helena stopped abruptly in her tracks and glanced around. She was about to say Christina's name when she remembered it was merely a memory. But it was enough to bring tears to Helena's eyes. Clenching her teeth, she glanced up at the sky, drawing in a slow breath, trying to not lose it while outdoors where anyone could come across her. Out of habit, her hand reached up, slipping under the collar of her blouse to clasp around her locket. But this time the engagement ring she'd given to Myka was there as well, which briefly confused her as she wasn't used to feeling the ring there. And quickly, her mind was drawn back to Myka.

It was not fair, but Helena had learned the hard way that the world never was as one thought it should be. Today of all days, she couldn't cope with the sense of loss. Christina, her beloved daughter who was the pride and joy of her life. Myka, the light of her life and a missing piece of herself. Taking another deep breath, Helena opened her hand that was closed around the locket and ring and she let them rest in her palm as she looked down at them, unshed tears threatening to spill over. She glanced at the engagement ring she still wore on her left hand. Despite Myka being gone, Helena could not bring herself to take it off. Doing so would only solidify more that Myka wasn't there and she'd once again lost the woman she loved.

In that moment as she felt her heart wrench in her chest, she tried desperately to push the emotions away. But even as she wished to close herself off from feeling, she couldn't. Not when her mind was filled with endless memories that wouldn't leave her alone, and certainly not when her heart was breaking further in her chest. She let go of the locket, letting it fall against her shirt. It and the diamond ring were in plain view hanging from the chain around her neck. There was a moment where anger flashed through Helena. She hated this place for taking Myka, especially now when she was in need of her. Not when today brought so much of her past back and made it even more potent. She set her jaw and cast a hateful glare at the sky, but as soon as she cast her gaze back down to the ground, the anger dissipated. As much as she wished to rant and rave at whatever power controlled this place, she couldn't bring herself to hang on to the anger. Instead, she attempted to retreat within herself a bit, just enough to keep her together as she resumed walking. There would be time for crying later. Right now, she needed to maintain some level of dignity.

Which was going to be difficult given the circles under her eyes and that she undoubtedly looked like hell due to the lack of sleep she'd been getting. The usually impeccably dressed H.G. Wells was slightly unkempt. Her hair was not brushed, only finger-combed. She wore no make-up. Even her clothing, although clean, seemed to be askew in a way it typically wasn't. Helena was unravelling, and she was trying to keep it from happening all at once.

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sciencenerd
2013-05-16 10:01 pm UTC (link)

Gwen had been busy. But that seemed to always be her norm. Her life revolved around work and the time, even if only a little bit, she got to spend with friends and Peter. While she had hated the Land of Make Believe just a few months prior, she was starting to see that with every bad, it offered some positive things as well. Unfortunately, those positive things were hard to come by and when they presented themselves Gwen tried to grab them and not let go.

She was up early before work. Gwen's mind was constantly working. She thought about the molecular biology of the different species of dragons. There was one particular breed that interested her, but fought any contact from the scientists. As she tried to work this out, Gwen decided to just get up out of bed and clear her head. The weather had been turning rather nice in the Land of Make Believe, and the castle grounds were beautiful.

As she walked and thought, Gwen came thought she saw a familiar figure in the distance. Smiling to herself, happy to have the chance to say hello, she made her way toward the woman she thought was Helena. However, the closer she got, the easier it was for Gwen to see that Helena was very much not alright. Her smile faded a little and for a moment she wondered if she should leave Helena alone. But Gwen had grown to care for Helena, and she couldn't in good conscience walk away without making sure her friend would be OK.

"Helena," said Gwen as she approached. She offered a hopeful smile, "Hey. you're up early."

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indelibleink
2013-05-16 11:04 pm UTC (link)

Helena's mind had started to wander again, drifting back to Christina. The labor had been long and painful, even nearly killing her, but it was all worth it when she held her daughter in her arms that first time. Though Helena could barely remember that moment due to having been woozy from the use of chloroform as a painkiller during her long labor. Despite only having been seventeen when her daughter had been born, Helena had taken to motherhood almost immediately. It came naturally to her, and she did truly enjoy doting on someone in such a way. Helena loved her daughter deeply, and it was a love that eventually drove her to insanity when Christina died.

Because of being lost in memories, Helena had almost missed someone speaking to her. However, she noticed someone approaching, barely catching the last part of what Gwen had said. She stopped walking, brushing some hair behind her ear and cracked a small smile, though it was not one that reached her eyes. Her eyes still remained sad and troubled even as Helena tried to mask it.

"I could not sleep, so I thought I would go for a walk. It is good to see you, Gwen. How are you doing?" She may not have been feeling at her best, but Helena could still be cordial and make conversation with friends. To be truthful, Helena had been largely distracted of late between the whole situation with her younger self, then this approaching date and Myka being sent back home. Perhaps it would be good for her to talk, it would give her something else to focus on for a while. She may try to dodge the subject of what was bothering her, but company was something she welcomed right now. It was not something she tended to ask for from people much, she was far too used to being alone and left to her own devices. But here and now, she would take what she was given.

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sciencenerd
2013-05-17 12:04 am UTC (link)

Despite the fact Helena smiled, it was quite clear it wasn't one of happiness. Gwen could see in her friend's eyes that there was something big had happened. Whether or not it had anything to do with the Land of Make Believe was still difficult to figure out for Gwen. From the looks of Helena, Gwen could tell there probably wasn't anything she could truly say to make Helena feel better again. But maybe just being there for the woman and speaking to her could help? Gwen could only hope so.

"I'm alright," said Gwen. "You know, dragons, genetic anomalies in cross-species testing, basic biochemistry and genetic tests, and other lab work. The usual." She attempted this string of every-day things as a sort of light comment.

There was clear tension surrounding Helena and Gwen wanted to ask but didn't want to push. It wasn't right for Gwen to force such things out of her friend. And in the awkward state Gwen blurted out before she could stop herself, "So...how many zygotes does it take to screw in a light bulb? ...2 'n 4 poles."

Gwen paused for a second before finally crossing her arms over her chest and said, "I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from. I just wanted to..." Make you laugh? Make you feel better? Get your mind off of whatever you are sad over? Gwen could have finished that last sentence with a number of things, but instead it ended up drifting away from her.

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indelibleink
2013-05-17 12:41 am UTC (link)

Science. Helena could focus on science. It was something that she did tend to cling to when she needed to focus her mind on something other than what was actually bothering her. Science always made sense when the rest of the world didn't. It was something Helena had escaped into on more than one occasion when her mind was too chaotic for her to properly function.

"All intriguing topics to be involved with." Even now, Helena was still a bit in awe that dragons actually existed in this world. "Have you found genetic anomalies in dragons?" Genetics was an area of interest to Helena. While her understanding of the science may be a century out-of-date, she had a firm grasp of the basics of the science. After all, she'd done research when she'd written The Island of Doctor Moreau. It was also an area of science where Helena could sit and read on the topic for hours and not become bored of it.

The joke, while unexpected, was not unwelcome. Though Helena knew it was undoubtedly brought about by the tension in the air. Which was coming solely from Helena's side, it wasn't Gwen's fault at all.

"Do not apologize, though I should certainly remember that one." There was a brief hint of amusement in her voice, but it didn't last. Helena should probably say something to ease the tension, to let Gwen know why she wasn't as jovial as she typically was. But what would be the better thing to share first, that her fiancé had been sent back home or that it was her deceased daughter's birthday?

"If anyone should apologize it is me. I have not had the best of weeks." She paused long enough to take a steadying breath. "Today is my daughter's birthday." Might as well start with that and work her way up. And for the life of her, in that moment Helena couldn't remember if she'd told Gwen before about having a daughter or her death. Either way, she was about to find out.

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sciencenerd
2013-05-20 12:30 am UTC (link)

"Not specifically in the dragons; no," said Gwen. "I just meant the cross-species tests I've done in the labs. The anomalies that came from there have been rather interesting." Gwen had been doing quite a bit of lab work as of late, but was hoping to spend the upcoming day ahead of her in the caves attempting to get closer to the more difficult breeds.

At the mention of the rough week, Gwen tilted her head and said, "No, no you don't need to apologize at all." She wanted to say something more, but wasn't sure what. When Helena mentioned her daughter things started to fall into place with Gwen. "Oh, I...I didn't know. I'm sorry."

There was a moment of silence from Gwen before she said, "How old is she?" Gwen completely misunderstood. Considering this was the first time she heard about a daughter, she didn't realize that the daughter was actually dead and not just currently at home while Helena was trapped in the Land of Make Believe.

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indelibleink
2013-05-20 06:24 am UTC (link)

"Oh, I understand. Conducting tests to view the genetic crossings that could transpire across species. Those must be rather varied and unendingly interesting to study." It was certainly a notion that Helena could entertain. A part of her mind did start wandering off on that trail of thought. How could it not? Part of her was a scientist, and she was always stimulated intellectually when such topics were presented to her. Of course, she had absolutely no idea about the genetics of dragons, but it still stimulated her imagination.

A small, largely empty smile crossed Helena's face briefly. "It's alright, not many know. Actually, fairly certain Claudia is the only one currently here who knows. It is not exactly something I have vocalized." She had left Myka's name unspoken because she wasn't here any longer. And, of course, talking about her daughter was not a topic Helena bridged easily or frequently.

The question sent a pang of pain through her, but Helena knew it was an innocent question. Gwen didn't know what had happened to Christina, so Helena didn't begrudge the question. "Technically she would be one hundred and thirty today. However, she never saw her ninth birthday." Christina had been killed two months after she had turned eight. It was a loss Helena still suffered today as potently as she had one hundred and twenty-two years ago. That sense of loss was compounded today by the fact Myka had been sent home two days prior. Loss and grief were not things Helena ever handled well. She was trying not to retreat into herself, but it was immensely difficult.

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sciencenerd
2013-05-21 08:27 pm UTC (link)

"It is," agreed Gwen eagerly. She loved talking about her work. Gwen tended to try to not bring it up around Darcy, Duncan, Glenn, or Peter. She knew how much of a workaholic she tended to be, and when she was with them she tried to keep the work talk at a minimum to not annoy anybody. But with someone like Helena, who shared her love of science - even if they worked in different fields - Gwen couldn't resist the topic. "It's interesting to see whether or not a breed can mate with another, and what could happen if we test out the genetics as if they did. It's quite clear that some cannot. But we're still trying to see if others can. If they can, it'd definitely help as far as keeping their species alive."

But of course, as much as Gwen loved the topic of science, it was clear that Helena needed some real comforting. Not just a distraction in conversation, but actual healing from the pain she was currently feeling. It was written all over Helena and Gwen only wished she could find a way to help her friend. It made her sad when her friends were in pain.

"Oh," was all Gwen could muster up. The little girl was dead. A death was always hard but when it was a child? It was even harder. "Children should not die before their parents," she said before she could stop herself. To catch her train of thought before Helena had a chance to let what she said sink in and accidentally cause more pain, Gwen said, "I'm sorry, I have no right to pry and we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But is there anything I can do to help you right now? I know there is nothing I can say or do that would make the pain go away. Whatever happened, still happened. But, is there a way to make it easier on you? Is there something I can do?"

Gwen thought for a moment before finally saying, "What about a change of scenery? You could spend some time in our labs, maybe distract your mind?" In reality Gwen understood Helena probably didn't want to visit the research center or the dragons, let alone distract her mind. But it was all Gwen had to offer at the moment besides just basic company, and Gwen was willing to offer all she had if it meant it would help her friend.

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indelibleink
2013-05-22 12:28 am UTC (link)

Science talk never annoyed Helena. On the contrary, she enjoyed it immensely, even if it was an area she didn't have a particularly deep knowledge of. Learning was half the fun of science, and she was a quick learner. It never took very long for her to grasp new topics and implement them. "The technology these days that allows you to run such tests without physically cross-breeding the species is simply breath-taking. How long does it take to run such a test?"

Despite Helena needing far more than a simple distraction, she still carried on that part of the conversation. It would at least help to pull her out of herself a bit more. She was in danger of closing herself off emotionally, especially today, but Helena did always find it more difficult to do so when other people who cared were around.

Helena did certainly agree that children should not die before their parents, and certainly they should not die the way Christina had. She felt that twinge of anger again stir briefly, but it quelled just as quickly as Gwen moved the conversation on. Helena could count on one hand how many people had asked her how they could help her since Christina had died. That sentiment alone sent a pang of sadness through Helena again. "Nothing can ease the pain I feel, but it helps to have company." Helena wouldn't admit to it, but she really did not want to be alone today. She knew she wouldn't be alone later, Claudia undoubtedly was going to drop by for a while. But for the moment, having Gwen's company would certainly help.

"Typically I would not turn down such an invitation, but I do not trust myself in a lab setting today." Helena was entirely fearful of getting inspired in a bad way in a lab. She had already gone through everything with the time machine she'd constructed to alter the past and save Christina, but she'd failed. The last thing she wanted to do was to venture down another dark path because she was inspired by something she saw. "If you have time before you must go to work, perhaps we could simply walk together?" Helena's hand came back up and closed around her locket and the ring that was now on the same chain.

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sciencenerd
2013-06-03 09:51 pm UTC (link)

"Not more than a day or two, depending on what we're looking for," answered Gwen. It really did amaze her the things that were possible not just in the present day but also in the Land of Make Believe. Studying dragons was not something Gwen had ever thought possible. Plus the magic that was used to allow them to get close to the dragons was incredible. Still, she worried about the rougher dragons. If she could only get close to those breeds, she couldn't imagine the scientific possibilities.

Gwen's face fell a little bit further when Helena confirmed what she had already assumed. There was nothing she could do. There was nothing anyone could do. "Well, I'll be here for you as long as you need. I won't pry. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I can understand that you've had a hard life, Helena, but I'm here for you. I'm sure I'm not the only one, too," said Gwen.

It was understandable that Helena would not trust herself in the lab. Gwen hadn't meant to push the woman, she just was trying to offer all ways she could help. But in all honesty, if their roles were reversed, Gwen probably would not have wanted anything more than to just be alone as well. So instead Gwen nodded and said, "Of course. Just lead the way," ready to follow Helena wherever she wanted to take their walk.

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indelibleink
2013-06-05 04:12 am UTC (link)

"Wonders never cease," she responded. The modern age was truly a wonder to behold, and it never ceased to amaze Helena just what was possible. Now that she was also in a place that had dragons, that only added to the wonders that Helena had once only dreamed of. Helena had once been a firm believer that the future was going to be a wondrous place, and she had once saw it as a bright and wonderful place. It had been enhanced once she'd been recruited to work at Warehouse 12. Miracles did actually occur. But sometimes when one needed a miracle the most, it never came.

A sad smile curved Helena's lips. "No, you are not, but there is one less to be here for me. Myka was sent home not two days ago." It was the first time she'd said the words out loud and when combined with the fact that it was Christina's birthday just pushed Helena to the limit of what she could handle. Her emotions were threatening to run away with her as they tended to do. "Thank you, it does mean a lot to me. I am far too used to being alone that it is easy to forget that there are people who care."

Picking a direction and continuing on her walk, Helena fell silent for some moments as she did her best to reel her emotions in. It would of course be understandable why she would cry, but she still hated crying in front of others. "Her name was Christina. She was my pride and joy. I would do anything for her." That even included bending the laws of time to her will. Helena had built a time machine to go back and save Christina, but she had failed. She had lost her daughter twice, lived that horrible day twice that no parent should ever have to live through once. The only difference the second time was that Helena had been present, she had held her daughter's lifeless body in her arms. Of all the memories Helena had in extremely long life, that was undoubtedly one of the most potent and most vivid memories she had.

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