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OMFG! Anakin might do ~something~ *pearl clutch* (darkforcerising) wrote in makebelievelog, @ 2013-03-09 22:41:00

Who: Anakin and AU!Padme
What: Talking, discussing futures and how they differ
When: Super backdated to the evening of Feb 27th
Where: Up in front of a cave in the mountains
Rating/Warnings: Low
Status: Complete



A fire burned in front of where Anakin and Padmé sat with their backs against the face of an out cropping of stone in the side of the mountain. He had solar heaters at his disposal, but preferred to conserve their stored energy during the daylight hours and only use them when they slept. It was still technically winter but the weather hadn’t been severe thus far, plus adequate clothing and a constant fire kept most of the chill away.

Not far off, inside the cave Leia – or Darth Verloren, as she insisted she be called – remained imprisoned. Anakin didn’t like the situation any, but it was the best they could do under the circumstances.

The presence of both Padmé and Leia weighed heavily on Anakin’s mind. They weren’t the versions he knew. In Leia’s case, that was a tragic and terrible thing, something for which he felt partially responsible for. Somehow, in her timeline he – Vader – had found her and trained her in the ways of the Dark Side, which he had convinced himself wouldn’t have happened had he didn’t fall to the Dark Side before her.

Padmé was a different concern altogether. She was just as compassionate and lovely as he always knew her, but she was broken – he had broken her in her time line. But instead of dying, like he knew she would when he went home, she had lived. And he felt as much responsible for her sorrows as he did for Leia’s.

And on top of that was the worry that things would stay this way. He could help Padmé, he believed all she needed was time to recover. But Leia, seeped in darkness and Anakin didn’t know how to reach her. He didn’t know what combination will cause him in his future to let go of his hate and anger and embrace the Light Side again. Was it chance? The Force’s doing? Neither option presented him with much hope.

“I’m sorry this world didn’t provide you the respite you deserve,” he said, breaking the silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable, something so typical about Padmé, he was never uncomfortable around her. At least, not unless she wanted him to be. But he felt he should own responsibility for this problem they were dealing with.

Padmé wasn't sure what to feel after her encounter with Darth Verloren. She wanted to think that underneath, somewhere deep inside, Leia still resided. She didn't know what to think about that, or about her future. But it would take time to reach her, if it was possible. As it was, Padmé was coping by focusing on the present. In the present, she was trying to focus on what good she did have. There was Anakin, which was substantial in itself. She had been able to take a nice long shower and, even staying outdoors, it wasn't unpleasant so far.

However, the bad things were at the back of her mind, nipping and biting at her mind and trying to gain her attention again. The twins, the young children who still had a shot at a life without an evil cloud of hatred, weren't there. She couldn't go back to her galaxy at an earlier point and fix things. When she went back, it would be without warning and she wouldn't remember.

It would be back to the bleak abyss of sand that was Tatooine in a galaxy ruled by terror. Just as she couldn't bring herself to believe that there was a complete lack of hope for Leia, she couldn't bring herself to think that there was no hope for Anakin to be brought out instead of Darth Vader. Perhaps it was entirely too foolish to still hold that small candle of hope, but it was harder for her to think of the alternative. Complete acceptance would crush what strength she had left in her. She couldn't let go of it.

She had taken to scribbling some of her thoughts down, trying to write out her thoughts and feelings amidst the attempt to push them further into the back of her mind. But, sitting there, she couldn't think of words to aptly summarize things. When Anakin spoke and broke the silence, she smiled faintly. "I don't know what respite I deserve. I - would obviously like Leia being Leia, and to have Luke here, but this isn't as bad as it could be either." She admitted, her voice quiet as she spoke. "I have you here."

“You deserve peace,” Anakin said simply, as if the answer should be inherently understood. The galaxy they were from – they truly where from a place similar enough for him to lump them together like this, the same Clone Wars, the same tyrannical emperor, his same fall to the Dark Side – had given her too much heart ache. It had demanded too much of her abilities and time, and in return it ungratefully gave her sorrow and loneliness.

Padmé deserved some time when the only pressures she faced pertained to the simple choices average people made in an average day.

“I’m sorry you couldn’t have more.” He turned away as he spoke, and he grew silent and contemplative for a time.

He stared at the flames for a while, dividing his attention from his thoughts about life and the twisted, sith version of his daughter in the cave. Never did he ignore her completely, just in case; part of him was always watching that cave.

“It’s so unfair for you… for us,” he said after a while. “We only wanted a life together. But… there was always something that kept us from having it. In the end…” In the end, it was the very desire for that life that had been his undoing and what had, ironically, kept them from having that life.

“Maybe I should never have accepted your proposal. Maybe I should have been stronger, like you were when I told you I loved you, on Naboo… and you said we couldn’t give into our feelings.”

Padmé turned and looked at Anakin with a disbelieving stare, unable to help but show her disbelief and dislike of this suggestion. Anakin was one person that she couldn't help but let down defenses in the presence of; she had steeled off a lot of herself over the past two years, but it seemed easy to slip back into old patterns after finding herself with Anakin and reaching a state of forgiveness and separation.

"Maybe we should have left and lived a life for our own wants. Maybe we should have fought for structure change. There are so many 'if' questions, Ani. They keep me up at night sometimes." Padmé admitted, her gaze flitting down for a moment before she looked back up to her husband. "It's why I can say, with certainty, that the questions of 'if' in the past are utterly futile. The question is 'if' in the future."

Anakin had thought about ‘what if’ he and Padme had just left. Had given up their ideals and concerns for other people and had just left. He had a sinking suspicion he and Padmé would not be left alone – they had too many enemies, and the Jedi would have an interest in, if not him, his children. How soon after learning about his offspring would they be at their door to take them away to be raised properly in the ways of the Jedi. His children would be their chance to correct what they had gotten wrong with him.

But Anakin didn’t mention that, as Padmé didn’t seem to want to talk about ‘what if’s of the past.

“You’re still set on saving me, aren’t you?” He knew the answer before he asked the question, but he needed to hear Padmé say it.

"Ani," Padmé's voice was hushed as she spoke, but firm. "I am. And - if I'm not going to remember this place, won't I just do it anyhow? I - I can't not try."

She let out a soft sigh, shifting to sit her things on her far side. Her mind was telling her to look directly at Anakin, but she found herself staring at her lap instead. Her mind was traveling back, mentally, to the shelter on Tatooine. The shelter was stark, sand colored walls and the stifling heat, an utter lack of greenery and water. It was devoid of hope or promise outside of the residents inside of it. "Do you truly think that I could, or ever would, willingly sit and listen to tales of what's happening and... not try? I love you and - I know there's still good left."

Anakin knew that on some level, there was goodness deep within him that wouldn’t be fully extinguished when he felt to the Dark Side. Luke would find it and ignite the stars against the night again. But it was so buried the cost it would take to refuel that small flame was too high. Worlds would be destroyed, so many innocent people killed. Anakin couldn’t help but think it would have been better for the whole galaxy if Obi-Wan had killed him on Mustafar.

“I’ve tried- Vader tried killing you once,” he said softly. “He would do it again. I wish our future was different.”

Anakin knew Padmé’s determination was set on this, and he both loved that, and sadly, in this moment, disliked that about her. It had driven her to Mustafar in the first place.

“Even if there was a chance – that risk is too much. How many more people would have to die to bring me back? In your world you’ve been spared that. You shouldn’t throw that away.”

Padmé listened carefully and thoughtfully to what Anakin was saying, but there was one detail that he was missing. Even with her head still pointed toward her lap, Padmé cautiously looked up at Anakin and asked, "Anakin, tell me the truth. What wouldn't you do for me? If I had woken up like Leia instead of as I am, somehow warped in hate, would you have killed me?”

“Padmé,” Anakin said plaintively. “You know I wouldn’t– I couldn’t-” He wanted to finish that he could never hurt her or kill her. But history was not on his side. “That thinking is what lead me to the Dark Side.”

It occurred to Anakin that Padmé didn’t know what had happened to him under Palpatine’s influence. She would have gone straight from Mustafar to Polis Massa to Tatooine, with no time or means to stop in between to learn the truth.

“Palpatine lied to me, he said he could help me save you. If I just joined him. What wouldn’t I do?” He shook his head. “I was willing to sacrifice a whole galaxy to save you.” And in the end, in Anakin’s end, it still had not been enough to save her.

Padmé wished she was able to ask Anakin exactly what lies Palpatine had told and go back with that knowledge. She wished she knew what toxic things he had put into Anakin's head, how to pull the toxic lies out by telling him the truth instead. But that luxury wouldn't be one she would be afforded by the Land of Make Believe.

But she could talk to Anakin about those lies and the decisions made here, if he wanted to and time proved on their side. The present had to be what mattered, at least for the time being. "Ani, I know you wouldn't. But - why would you think that you couldn't, that you wouldn't, kill or harm me... and that I could, and should, leave you to the trap of Vader? If we hadn't given into our feelings, I would have continued to feel like I was dying a little inside each day... and I wouldn't be able to avoid interfering and trying to reach you any more if Palpatine had poisoned your mind without that." Padmé admitted, having absolutely no doubt about that detail. "I-if it would save you from him, maybe - maybe then. But..."

“Padmé, I know what your convictions are, but-”

He didn’t want to fight with her. He wanted her stay in the Land of Make Believe to be that calm reprieve she deserved, where she could relax and forget the worries of their universe. But their whole relationship had been putting off the argument of the day for tomorrow so their stolen moments could be filled with the opposite of battle fronts and senate debates.

“I tried killing you once before,” he said softly. “I don’t know what will bring me back. Luke is supposed to manage it in the- my future. But I don’t know why it works for him and not you.” Anakin wondered if it was the act of watching Palpatine directly hurt Luke that made him release his anger and come back to the Light Side to protect his son. But he wouldn’t know that for sure until he reached that point in time.

And if that were true, Padmé’s life (Luke’s life) were too precious to gamble on a chance to save his.

“I want you to be safe. I know Tatooine is not safe. But it’s better than...” He almost finished with ‘me’, instead he said, “Vader.”

"I don't know what will bring you back either," Padmé admitted honestly in return, finally looking up from her lap to look at Anakin. "But I can't give up my belief in you. I may not be able to save the Republic. I think - I think the Republic is dead. But I don't think you are."

"If the worst happens, the children will still be safe... at least I can know that." Padmé admitted freely. "For now, I'd like to enjoy being safe. Can we cuddle?" Her voice was almost meek as she asked, as if there were any true question to the matter Anakin would give her what she asked.

And like all their arguments they eventually had during their relationship, this one ended with few satisfying answers for them.

Anakin knew this one was done. For now, or forever, maybe they wouldn’t be given more time to discuss things again. Maybe Padmé would be sent home again before then. If that was the case, and if it was true that people might remember this place as dream when they returned home, then he hoped something in that dream would stand above the rest for Padmé. And maybe it would be that she shouldn’t seek out Vader again.

He nodded, of course, to her request, and opened his arms to pull her close. He used the Force to bring over another log to make the fire bigger, and warmer. With her by his side, they would both just have to wait and see.