InsaneJournal

Who: Anakin (the elder) and Padmé
What: Talking about sore subjects, talking about happier subjects
When: Backdated to Friday, afternoon
Where: Their bedroom
Rating/Warnings: Fairly low.
Status: Complete


Anakin had left work early. In a few short days he would be beholden to a class schedule, stuck at certain times in front of a room of glassy-eyed freshmen, few of whom gave more than a fleeting care about the class they were in. But for the next few days, he set his office hours and if he didn’t want to be there he could simply leave.

When he pushed through his and Padmé’s bedroom door he hadn’t expected to see his wife home as well. He had been thinking of heading down to fiddle with his bike, or pick up some odd project in the workroom. It didn’t matter, just something to get his mind off his future and having had to tell Ahsoka about it, and his daughter he desperately wanted to connect with but knew he couldn’t be the one to make the first move.

Instead, Padmé was lying on their bed, and he couldn’t help but be distracted from his original plan.

Her eyes were closed. He shut the door softly; in no way did he want to disturb her. And then he quietly approached her side of the bed. When he reached her side he leaned over to drop a kiss on her forehead. One kiss and he would go off somewhere to work out his mental frustrations and leave her to rest. But when he drew back her eyes were open and she was staring up at him.

He started, but only slightly. “Hello.”

Padmé had heard Anakin come in, but had been mentally drifting somewhere in a stream of jumbled thoughts. With everything going on as of late, Padmé hadn't felt like spending much extra time in the city. She went to work, then she came home. After taking a shower, the bed and the opportunity to lie there had called out to her.

But opening her eyes to see her loving husband over her, the idea of spending a stolen moment of peace together called out to her instead.

"Hello." She answered back with a little smile, feeling a rather distinct warm feeling inside at his presence. It was, and Anakin was, love and safety. Their future, her future, upon returning to their galaxy didn't matter in those sorts of little moments. It was about the present and the future it would lead to rather than what would happen in another life in a completely different place.

"Do you have somewhere you need to be," Her voice was soft as she spoke and she reached toward Anakin's nearest hand with her own, "Or could you lie down with me for a little while?"

Anakin sat on the edge of the bed. He leaned on one hand, placed on the other side of Padmé’s body. His other hand was thoroughly trapped in Padmé’s and he made no move to free it.

“Me?” he asked, feigning shock at the suggestion. “Lie down, and be still for a while?”

He leaned in for another kiss, this time he was aiming for Padmé’s lips. “That doesn’t sound like something I would do.”

Padmé grinned and leaned up slightly into the kiss, pulling back into her fluffy pillow and looking up at Anakin. Having him tease her, getting past the shocks that had been thrown their way, felt - nice. Right. "Well, curling up against you with you trying to jog or doing flips might prove uncomfortable."

Still, after a moment, nerves started to get to her and she tightened her grip a little on Anakin's hand. Even if he wasn't pulling it back, it wasn't about that. It was a need for contact. The teasing moment hadn't lasted before the thoughts barraging her mind had come back to drown out the momentary feeling of comfort. "You know I love you, right?"

Anakin had to bob his head in agreement. “That would be a hindrance. Your argument has merit.”

When Padmé’s mood sobered so did his. They were both dealing with a lot, and it was fairly obvious both issues, Leia and Ahsoka, traced back to him. It was entirely unfair that Padmé was forced to be a part of it.

“Of course. And I love you,” he said automatically, but the quickness of his response made it no less true.

Worry etched the lines of his expression now. He sat back so that he could free up the arm he was leaning on. He brought that free hand to cup her face and he brushed his thumb over her cheek. Touch happened so infrequently for the average Jedi, Anakin suspected there was something about connecting on that level with others that made those who denied themselves all attachments uncomfortable. But Anakin was Anakin, and clearly he wanted, craved for that level of intimacy. Especially from Padmé. Touch conveyed so much when it was welcomed by the parties involved, comfort, understanding, sometimes a whole apology. Sometimes complete forgiveness.

His hand on her now sought something else though.

“Are you alright?” Concern was apparent in his tone.

Padmé shut her eyes when Anakin touched her cheek, visibly relaxing and letting out a slow, deep breath. Introducing herself to Leia, telling Leia the truth of who she was, had been one of the more nerve wracking things she had done in her life. It had seemed like a simple task but, as a whole, she had no idea how to tell a woman around her age, or older than her, that she was her mother. Dealing with the emotions that would come from not knowing Leia had long since been something Padmé hadn't wanted to do and, yet, now she would get to know Leia. It was an amazing concept.

But Leia's perception of Anakin, while understandable, did leave her worried. How much Ahsoka had to take in and her reactions, how she would cope, worried her too.. and she worried about Anakin.

She reopened her eyes at his question, "I'm alright, Ani. I'm - worried. A little overwhelmed. We went from planning to start a family to having - parts of a family show up." And there was no question that Ahsoka counted as being like family, even if Padmé hadn't known her long. Anakin cared about his apprentice and that was all there was to that matter.

"I'm grateful they're here. I wouldn't wish to the contrary, but - it's a lot to take in. Are you alright?" It was her turn to search his face, looking for an indication of what was happening.

Anakin opened his mouth to answer, but then stopped. Uttering a lie wouldn’t be the best thing to do in the presence of his trained politician wife. Future Sith or not, he was not the master of subtlety Palpatine was, nor would he ever be. Padmé was sure to see through any false reassurances that he was fine.

He leaned down then, to rest his head on Padmé’s chest, and closed his eyes. He took a few deep breathes, he tried to let it go like he was taught, but his emotions were as stubborn as the man who embodied them. Everything remained, that anger at himself, the selfishness he fought, and regret for things he couldn’t right. But they were all his problems, they shouldn’t be Padmé’s as well.

“You shouldn’t let what’s between me and Leia or me and Ahsoka prevent you from enjoying their company. Get to know them here while you can.” He noticeably did not answer Padmé’s question.

He desperately wanted that connection from family, for years he’d desired it. Those visions of his mother and her life on Tatooine with Clegg had only labeled what he was missing from and needing in his life. He’d wanted it then, and every year after, and when Padmé had told him she was pregnant back on Coruscant, all the promises inherent in the word ‘family’ seemed as if they were about to be fulfilled. He would finally have that family. He would leave the Order, he would be with Padmé, they would have their children with them. Instead, he’d crushed to dust all those promises, and though that was there, back in their home universe, here there were echoes of those mistakes that he had to deal with.

He wanted so much to connect with Leia, to talk to her, to be given the chance to get to know her. He’d never spoken to her but already he loved her, he couldn’t help it, she was his daughter. He wanted so much to continue training Ahsoka. When he had initially agreed to accept her as his apprentice he had been unprepared how much and how quickly he would grow to care for her. But as much as he wished for these things, he hadn’t the right to expect them.

And it took all his willpower to admit and accept he couldn’t ask for their forgiveness.

“They both deserve to have you in their lives.”

Padmé brought her free hand up to run it through Anakin's hair, trying for some form of reassurance to her husband. She didn't require the Force to know that he was carrying a burden; she had known that from the first moment they talked upon her arrival and they had gotten into the argument over Palpatine. "Everyone has their burdens, Ani, myself included. While I will seek out and enjoy their company, there are still a lot of aspects that are - overwhelming. Not all of them have to deal with what's between you and Leia or you and Ahsoka."

"But just like my burdens concern you," Padmé continued, her voice still soft as she spoke, "What's burdening you concerns me. That's not something that has anything to do with guilt or origin of a burden. "

“You can’t change things, Padmé,” Anakin said and left it at that for a few heartbeats.

He lifted his head and looked at Padmé’s face. “Skilled diplomat though you may be-” A smile flickered on his lips then failed. “You can’t talk your way to mending this.”

"Sharing a burden doesn't mean anyone involved has to know how to fix whatever problems there are." Leia was perhaps just as skilled of a diplomat as Padmé was, anyhow. Padmé wouldn't presume to push her daughter to accept or forgive Anakin. Leia would have to tolerate a certain level of things, as Padmé wouldn't be divorcing Anakin or anything along that vein; Still, Leia wouldn't have to accept or forgive Anakin unless she wanted to do such.

"Sharing a burden can mean - simply sharing, like when I told you how I was scared I wouldn't be a good mother. Even without a fix, voicing it to someone you trust rather than letting it build up-" She sighed, still wishing there were some way she could put that smile back onto his lips even if she couldn't and wouldn't try to fix things. "- it can help. It can help reduce the feeling of that burden, even just a little."

There was a question dwelling on the edge of her mind, but she hesitated to ask it quite yet. She wanted to remain focused on how Anakin was feeling, for the moment, and the question of their plans for the near future would and could stem from that conversation.

The more Padmé spoke the more frustrated Anakin became. But he wasn’t upset with her, it was the situation that was making him feel this way. He did not share her opinion that talking about it would make things easier. Things would remain as they were whether or not they spoke of his thoughts or feelings on the matter.

“What do you want me to say that you don’t already know?”

He pulled back and disentangled his hand from hers. He stood up but he didn’t walk far from the bed before turning back to face Padmé.

“That I care about Ahsoka the same way I do Master Obi-Wan and that knowing that I more than likely- The person she’s supposed to trust more than anyone else and I just- She’s like a sister to me and I still-”

He couldn’t figure out how to finish those thoughts but they all ended the same in his head – he will still kill Ahsoka despite how much she means to him and he hated himself for it.

He crossed his arms over his chest because he needed to be doing something with his hands. The corners of his eyes started to sting, and he was conscious of the thought that now that he’d started talking he was having difficulty stopping, but all the same, it wasn’t making him feel better.

“Or that when, back home, you told me you were pregnant I couldn’t remember a time I felt happier. And I was convinced that we were going to have a daughter, you thought we were going to have a son, but I knew you were pregnant with a girl, and I looked forward to her birth so much. And now- now I can’t even speak to her.”

It was about this time that the stinging in his eyes turned to actual tears that blurred his vision.

“And what would I say if I had the chance? I haven’t done those things, but- but I will. And I can’t change my future, or their past. And saying this- all of this is supposed to be good? Make me feel better? Because it doesn’t, Padmé.”

And while it was Padmé he was saying all of this to, it wasn’t her he was upset with. It was himself.

Padmé stood up, as Anakin admitted his thoughts, and moved over to her husband. She almost immediately moved to hug him, feeling a profound sense of relief when he accepted the gesture without any resistance.

"I'm sorry, Ani. This place has shown me ways of hope that I never thought possible, but I know that's not reassuring. Ahsoka came off as a very bright young woman, and I know you think the world of her, so I think she'll make her time here count no matter what her future will be." Moreover, if Ahsoka died, Padmé suspected the young woman would be with her in the afterlife, waiting to tease him should (and when) he came back to the light.

"It may be naïve, but I hope Leia might eventually come to realize who you are as a person." Not just for Anakin's sake, but for Leia's as well. Padmé could understand that Leia was and still hurt very badly, of course, but if Leia could come to realize who Anakin was it might help Leia to heal some. "But I know there's nothing that can be done to assure or even encourage that. I know it's no consolation, but I'm here... and we can continue to plan and try for a family together here, or wait until things have settled down. I'm okay with doing what you need to in that regard, Ani."

She didn't address his upset that it didn't make him instantly feel better. She knew it wasn't instant and, so long as he didn't clam up on her, she didn't want to argue it.

Anakin wrapped his arms around Padmé without question. He knew she meant well, and he wouldn’t deny her an embrace. He dropped his face to her hair and stood there with her like that.

He was grateful she cared enough about him to try.

She wanted to comfort him in this, but there was nothing she could say or do to make this better. There was nothing that would convince Leia of his goodness, especially when he wasn’t sure she should be persuaded from her opinion of him. He was telling the truth, talking about it didn’t make him feel better. Instead, it only reminded him of his future waiting for him back home and the all the things he would do. Leia thought he was a horrible person – talking about how she thought that about him didn’t soothe away any of these painful emotions. A healthy perspective was good for him, but this felt needless.

How could he forget what he would become?

“I know what you’re trying to do,” he said as he sighed. Even her words now, trying to explain her hopes for their future in the Land of Make Believe regarding Ahsoka and Leia stung. “But trust me when I say it’s not helping right now.”

Padmé continued the embrace with Anakin, content to stand there for as long as he was too; it was a world of difference from the teasing remarks about his inability to stand still. "All right. Just - know, if there comes a time in the future when you do feel it would be helpful, please know I'm willing to talk or just listen?"

"And-" Padmé had hinted at her question, but Anakin had been focused (and understandably so) on her words and his feelings. She decided to ask, clear and straight. "Ani, do you still want to try for a baby, or would you rather hold off for awhile?" She knew her own personal hopes were to continue trying, even with the things going on as of late, but she wasn't asking for her sake; she needed to know what would make Anakin feel best. She knew no child could replace another, and Leia's absence from his life would still be a notable manner, but Padmé wanted to start and raise a family and get to know another wonderful individual.

“I know.”

And Anakin did know, he just doubted he would reach that point. He kept that to himself. Either he would or he wouldn’t, no need to speculate on whether or not he would, because, in a way, that would be talking about the very subject that too painful to discuss.

But at the very least, Padmé’s acceptance that he just couldn’t talk about this subject right then helped more than the offer to talk. There wasn’t a nefarious trap being woven under their feet just then, they didn’t have to talk about everything just then. Her respecting the need for time was bolstering.

He pulled back after some time, just enough to look down at Padmé, “Of course I want to keep trying. Why? Do you want to stop?” Anakin hoped that the answer would be ‘no’, but given how Padmé had more say in this than he did, his hope really didn’t matter. And if she said she wanted to stop, to give things more time to settle, he would accept her decision.

Padmé looked up at Anakin with wide eyes, not steeling herself or hiding any of her emotional reaction whatsoever. She felt a sense of relief, really, and that much was likely obvious. "No. I don't want it to feel like - added stress, that's all, whenever the time comes. I want it to be a happy occurrence when it happens, Ani, because the idea still makes me happy."

“But what about you?” Anakin asked. Padmé’s presence in the Force felt strong and positive when he reached for her. But he had to hear it from her himself.

“Don’t you have enough stress yourself? What about that?”

Padmé shook her head a little. "For all of the fears I have over what might happen, what others might think, I know what I think and - want. For once in my life, I want to indulge in what you and I, only, want without fear of manipulation going on."

"I can always see about shifting around what self-defense classes I'm teaching, if the need is there, or see about doing the instruction part while someone else does the examples and motions. I can try and reduce my stress..." In a lot of ways, Padmé enjoyed the speaking aspects more than the motions. Teaching people how to feel empowered not due to their ability to defend, but due to who they were and the fact they had a right to safety, was surprisingly fulfilling for her. It was no job in politics, but for the time it was speaking to some part of her that needed to know she was doing something positive.

“What others might think? Is that something we’re supposed to be concerned about?” Anakin asked, tipping his head to the side. It had never occurred to him that in this place they would need to worry about it. It had been the same when he and Padmé decided to live openly about their relationship. He cared about Obi-Wan, but if the man, when he had been in the Land of Make Believe, had objected, Anakin would not have cared. There were no negative ramifications for being in love here.

So too did he think the same about having children.

“But, yes, weapons demonstrations should be left to someone less trigger-ready.” After their very emotional moment, it felt good to joke.

Padmé shook her head, "No," Her tone was quiet, but firm. "No one else gets to push their will or opinions over either of ours. I'll hope for support but, if it's not there - I know I'll have yours, and the support of others." They wouldn't be the minority, fighting against the masses of opinions. It wouldn't be a scandal. There wasn't any reason they couldn't have a child if they wanted.

"And - hey!" Padmé pulled back, playfully, giving Anakin a scolding look with absolutely no conviction behind it. She moved to sit back down on the edge of the bed. "We don't have a blaster mark in our wall anymore. You have no proof that I'm 'trigger-ready.'"

“I have my memory.”

The tears on Anakin’s face were drying; the sadness that had creased his eyes was giving way to the lines that signified good spirits. He couldn’t, and wouldn’t hold back the grin blossoming on his face.

When Padmé sat back down on the bed he approached her.

“And it’s very good. All Jedi have good memories.”

He reached Padmé and leaned down to kiss her.

Padmé smiled and, teasingly, remarked back, "My memories for that day are a bit more - fuzzy."

As he came toward her and leaned in for a kiss, her smile broke into a grin. She leaned back, rather than into the kiss, so he would have to lean further forward. He had teased her about his inability to lie still and then had stood, for most of the conversation, and she still hadn't gotten any of the desired time curled up with her husband on the bed. She didn't feel she needed it as much anymore, of course, but that didn't mean she didn't intend to give up and not try to get him onto the bed.

“Of course it is. Convenient.”

Naturally Anakin leaned in more to follow Padmé. This only made his grin bigger. He had to place both his hands on the bed, Padmé was practically laying down herself. He stopped just before their lips would touch.

“Are you trying to get me onto the bed, Padmé?”

Padmé paused, as if she were thinking about the idea as something entirely brand new to her mind. There were a number of teasing or witty retorts she could answer with and, in truth, her mind was more focused on that idea.

"What do your," Her tone was serious, despite her expression being anything but, as she slowly asked, "Jedi memory and senses tell you? Wait - didn't you say you can't be still? Fuzzy memory issues -"

“Oh, I can be still.” Anakin quirked a brow as he looked down at Padmé’s lips. He was suddenly consumed by the desire to feel those very lips against his own. But he made no move to cross that very short distance still spanning between them. “You just have to wear me out first.”

Padmé laughed a little, lying down completely and increasing the distance between them slightly. It was mostly a teasing move, increasing the distance and potentially making Anakin work that little bit more. Of course, it also gave her nowhere to retreat to as her back was against a figurative (comfortable and cushy) wall. "Well, I guess I'll have to figure out some way to wear you out."

Anakin’s grin was cocky as he said, “I’m sure you will.” And he obliged his wife’s request and followed her onto the bed.