InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Feel no guilt."

Claudia Donovan (clauds) wrote in makebelievelog,
@ 2013-01-17 23:24:00

Entry tags:

claudia donovan, h.g. wells, myka bering

Who: Claudia Donovan, H.G. Wells, Myka Bering
What: Steve Jinks is gone, Claudia is distraught. She seeks out family.
When: Late Thursday evening, January 17th, 2013
Where: H.G. and Myka's rooms
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 / Potential for language
Status: Closed / Incomplete

Even as Claudia sent the response to H.G.'s text, asking if she could come over, she had left her rooms. She had discovered Steve's departure after realizing her best friend had been quiet beyond his normal semi-quiet state. She had first knocked on his bedroom door, then tried to text him to ask if he was ignoring her or out. After the text came back, a knot had formed in her stomach. A phone call to his number didn't go through and that was confirmation enough. She had opened his bedroom door and found it, of course, empty.

She had been worried about him. Worried about his lack of friends, wondering if he was okay. He had told her she could talk to him about anything she needed, but he hadn't really talked to her about his attempts to adjust post-death, pre-metronome-resurrection. He hadn't talked about what he felt in regards to his mother. She had been able to tell that it had been a sore topic with him, too, at that. It left her not wanting to burden him with anything else and...

And then there was no more Steve.

When her phone chimed and indicated she had a text, she pulled it out of her pocket and read it on the go. She knew H.G. would let her come over, of course, but somehow she had still felt the need to ask before just showing up at her and Myka's place. Even if H.G. was recovering from being sick, there was a potential for interrupting private moments that Claudia didn't want.

She wasn't able to fight the tears back for the small trek down the stairs to the floor below hers. When she knocked on the door, she was already standing there crying.

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indelibleink
2013-01-18 05:29 am UTC (link)

This bout of illness had been a slightly uncharacteristic one for Helena. After all, she was perhaps the worst patient in the world, as was evidenced by all the fuss she'd put up when Myka and Claudia had taken her to the hospital the week before, and then her incredibly sour mood the following day. While she still had a few of her tantrums here and there, it was no where the normal occurrence level for her when ill. No, this time she'd had other things on her mind that detracted her from lashing out at people. First it had been Finnick's post, to which she'd replied when she still had a fever and really had no control over what she said. Or typed, rather. Things she'd kept bottled up inside had started to come to light then, such as the fact she couldn't quite understand how someone could see any good in her when she herself didn't even see it.

Then today had come Gwen's post. Helena had yet to really come to terms with her death, if only because she knew it would be reversed anyway from what she'd seen on the television show about them all. So in a way, her death wouldn't exactly matter, nor would it have even happened for anyone other than Artie, so it was a non-factor. But what really caught Helena was when Gwen called her a heroine. Helena considered herself anything but a heroine. She wasn't noble nor was she one who would sacrifice for the greater good. Of course she'd been both in that moment, and faced death with grace. She had only just started down the path to not labeling herself as the villain of her own life, so she was far from accepting that she could be a heroine in anyone's eyes.

When she'd initially texted Claudia, she was aiming for keeping things vague. It wasn't that she wanted to avoid the topic so much as she felt weird asking if Claudia thought she was a hero for what she'd done. It was a title and praise she didn't feel worthy of bearing given the things she'd done in her past. Yes people changed, but she didn't yet deserve to be called a hero.

Though her focus had shifted upon getting Claudia's text about Steve being gone. The return text asking if he'd been sent back home or had just gone out was no doubt unnecessary, but Helena had wanted to ask regardless so she wouldn't misinterpret anything. And Claudia didn't need to ask if she could come down, the door would always be open to her whenever she needed it. So after telling Claudia she was more than welcome, Helena alerted Myka to Steve being sent home and Claudia coming down for some company. When the knock came, Helena unwrapped the blanket she'd gotten from Santa from around her and went to answer the door. She was no doubt still on the pale side, which wasn't new to her as she always was pale, but she was paler than was normal for her, but she wasn't contagious any longer and her symptoms had begun to fade away, though her cough was still firmly in place.

Upon opening the door as seeing Claudia all ready crying, Helena didn't say anything. She didn't really need to, not yet. Instead, she drew Claudia into the room, closed the door and pulled her into a hug. She knew the younger woman wasn't precisely a hugger, and Helena wasn't exactly one either, but this situation called for a hug.

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clauds
2013-01-18 06:03 am UTC (link)

Hugging Claudia, in that moment, made H.G. enough of a hero to Claudia. She didn't put much stock in labels, though she honestly thought everyone in the Warehouse had their various massively heroic moments. H.G.'s death, to Claudia, counted. It was a tragic hero's redemptive act, really, and the fact that Artie had advocated to the Regents to avoid H.G. being re-incarcerated told Claudia that she had backup from Artie, even if he wasn't there.

But all coherent thoughts were gone from Claudia's mind in that moment. She had been really, really worried about Pete's state before he had been sent home; he had told Claudia he couldn't find an AA meeting he liked, so she had feared how he was adjusting and what he might need pulled back from. She hadn't been happy he had been sent home, but she had felt a weight of worry lifted off of her shoulders. She had hoped he might come back, without memories of the last time he was there. She had a list of various support groups waiting on her computer, along with a refilled bag of chocolate chip cookies, waiting. Even if she had been worried about Steve, she hadn't expected him to go too. She had hoped he would start making friends and talking to her more and things would work out. She hadn't feared for his overall state-of-being. Now, she was faced with the idea of Steve potentially being gone for months, or years, and it scared her greatly.

She returned the hug and continuing to cry. The Victorian author was likely going to have a wet shoulder before long.

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indelibleink
2013-01-18 06:32 am UTC (link)

In Helena's mind, she wasn't even a tragic hero. She was just broken. With her younger self now present, the disconnect between the person she was currently and the person she used to be was glaringly blatant. But as she held Claudia, she couldn't help but feel that long-buried maternal instinct of nurturing and comforting trying to rekindle itself. She wasn't exactly thinking of Claudia as a daughter, but they were family, and Helena had been a mother, had once possessed a loving heart that she had thought was lost, until recently.

The Victorian woman didn't mind having a wet shoulder. It was something she'd experienced before from Myka, and it wasn't something she'd complain about. While she wondered what she could possibly say, she knew there really wasn't much she could say to make things better. It wasn't exactly comforting to remind Claudia Steve was home now given the future they'd seen on the television. Though as she gently rubbed Claudia's back in a soothing manner, a piece of advice came to mind, and she would give it because it was something she could use herself.

"Just let it all out. You aren't alone, darling," she said softly. Those were definitely words she could have used when Christina had died, or perhaps they had been said to her, but it hadn't come from anyone who mattered enough to her to listen to them and push her anger aside. The British woman was completely notorious for keeping everything bottled up within her, and while she knew that wasn't a good thing, it was how she'd been raised and it was difficult to change, but she was trying. And she wanted to ensure Claudia didn't close up on herself in this. It would only make things worse.

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beringandwells
2013-01-19 06:12 am UTC (link)

After Helena had informed her that Steve had been sent home and that Claudia was on her way to their room, Myka had retreated to their bedroom. She'd needed a moment to herself to actually come to terms with the fact that another member of their family had been sent home. Appearing before Claudia rattled wouldn't make the situation any easier on the younger woman. It was just the three of them now, excluding the young Helena, and Steve wasn't returning to anything spectacular. Everything was screwed up in their world at the moment and their Steve was from moments before he had died. He still had to live through everything. Once she was composed, Myka slipped back out of the bedroom and noticed Claudia crying into Helena's shoulder. She hung back wanting to give the two of them time. And Myka knew that if she walked over and hugged them both to her she would begin to cry.

Sitting down on the couch, Myka sat there and watched how Helena kept rubbing Claudia's back. It reminded her of when the older woman had comforted her on more than one occasion. But the occasion that sprung to mind was when they had come face to face for the first time since arriving. There were so many tears shed that night but it had led them down the path to this. Having each other to lean on and to care for. Things would be different now. Claudia and Steve had been close and his loss would continue to hit her hard for weeks to come. Myka knew that she and Helena would need to step up and be there for the younger woman because they were all that she had left from their world. Without even realizing it tears began to fall down Myka's cheeks. She may not have been as close with Steve as Claudia had been but him being sent back was still hitting her.

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clauds
2013-01-19 11:27 am UTC (link)

Claudia continued crying, vaguely aware that Myka had entered the room. Of all the things Claudia was self-conscious about, being seen crying wasn't one of them. She cried on the show, she was shown crying, and she cried when she felt the need on earth. There were a lot of opportunities to see her cry.

When she had finally calmed down enough to muster words, they were rather succinct and likely clear, underneath their literal sarcasm latent meaning. "He's gone MIA on me three times now. He needs to come back so I can kick his butt for it."

She was slow to loosen her hug against H.G., though she pulled back all the same and nodded. Her eyes were puffy and her face was red; she didn't know if she could've taken it had she been alone. Arriving in the Land of Make Believe alone, residing there without any of her family, had been hard enough. Even if she had some better friends there as well this time around, she didn't desire a repeat. "I know. Thank you."

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indelibleink
2013-01-20 03:55 am UTC (link)

This comforting thing was still something Helena was quite rusty on, though knowing she'd been able to comfort Myka gave her enough comfort Claudia now. It was a harsh reality of this world that just as easily as they were brought here, they could be sent home. It was something that was always in the back of Helena's mind. It was a real possibility that there would be a day she'd wake up and find Myka had been sent home. Or Claudia. Or even herself. None of those were scenarios she wanted to happen. She wanted them to stay together here. She really wanted this chance to live without the Warehouse or the Regents hanging over her. The Victorian woman just wanted to live and be with those she cared about.

When Claudia spoke, Helena caught both intonations to the words spoken. "That does warrant a good butt kicking, yes," Helena responded in much the same tone as Claudia had spoken. The loss of a friend as dear as Steve was to Claudia was hard to take, and Helena would keep a close eye on the younger woman. The side of Claudia that had been revealed when she'd been determined to bring Steve back from the dead at all costs had frightened her because Helena had felt similar things once in her quest to save Christina. She saw similarities in Claudia that worried her, and if there was anything she could do about the situation, she would ensure Claudia wouldn't go down the same path she had.

"You're welcome, darling," she replied with a soft smile. She glanced over to see Myka sitting on the couch, the tears rolling down her cheeks. Not for the first time, Helena found herself to be the most stable one in the room. While she was sad that Steve wasn't here any longer, the truth of the matter was that she didn't know him that well. Not as well as Myka or Claudia did. So once again she found herself needing to be the rock for the other two. It was a role that she didn't mind playing as it would, hopefully, bring the three of them that much closer. And they were all the family they had left in this place. Yes they all had their friends in this place, but the relationships formed when working at the Warehouse were somehow different than normal relationships.

Guiding Claudia over to the couch, she sat down, wordlessly drawing Myka into a hug. "We are family, and we will get through this together." Perhaps it sounded a bit silly to say given they knew how volatile this place could be in sending people home, but in the here and now, the three of them were still there, still together. They had each other and they love for each other. That would be enough to carry them through as long as they believed it would.

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beringandwells
2013-01-22 04:57 am UTC (link)

Myka's eyes followed every movement that the two of them made. And listened to every word spoken. When Helena guided Claudia over to the couch, Myka willingly allowed the older woman to guide her into a hug. Her arms instinctively moving to wrap around her girlfriends waist as best she could. We are family, and we will get through this together. 10 words that held a profound message. Helena was right that they were a family and that they would get through this together. The Land of Make Believe had proven to be unpredictable. People came and went. And there was nothing they could do to stop it.

"Hels, right. We are family and families stay together. I know we lost Pete and then Steve, but here right now, the three of us have each other. And we are strong." Myka said lifting her head away from Helena's body and without taking a moment to breathe. She knew that at any moment either of them could be snatched away and sent back. It would be wrong to believe that it wasn't a possibility. But for the moment they were together. Myka reached her hand over to grip Claudia's hand to reassure the younger woman.

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clauds
2013-01-22 06:55 am UTC (link)

Fingers with silver, chipped nailpolish met Myka's grip with a briefly returned grip. Chances were good that the only things Claudia would be up for mentally over the next few days would be chipping off her nailpolish, fixing by painting her nails with new, and watching TV.

"You guys are only down a floor," Claudia admitted with a strained tone, still trying for ever-sarcastic responses, "So at least I can't get lost."

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indelibleink
2013-01-23 09:07 am UTC (link)

As much as Helena wished she could help both Claudia and Myka instantly feel better, she knew that only time could help with that. As Helena held Myka, she gently rubbed her shoulder soothingly. It would be difficult to not have Steve here, but they had to carry on. Helena was lamenting not having the chance to get to know Steve better. From everything she'd come to learn about him, he was an exceptional young man. She hoped that somehow she would get another chance to get to know him, be it that this place saw fit to bring him back, or in the future in their own world.

Glancing to Claudia, she noted the strained tone in her response. She was probably trying to hold onto what was familiar to her so she wouldn't completely fall apart. Which could be both good and bad. But in this current moment, Helena wasn't going to force her to stop that. But if it became a habit to the point where she was trying to lock how she truly felt inside, Helena would intervene.

"Not getting lost is a positive. If you did get lost, a tracker would no doubt have to be the solution." Helena knew she was opening the door for Claudia poking fun at her for the incident of having planted a tracker on Myka once, but she didn't mind if it helped Claudia in even the smallest bit. Helena glanced at Myka for a moment, then looked back at Claudia. "If you want or feel the need to, you are more than welcome to stay here with us." They did have the extra bedroom given the fact Myka and Helena shared a bedroom. And knowing that there were three people in very close proximity to Claudia might help her. Well, it would help all of them, help solidify the notion that they were a family.

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beringandwells
2013-01-27 03:30 am UTC (link)

Myka was content to let Helena continue to rub her back soothingly. The faintest traces of a smile appeared on her face when Claudia briefly gripped her hand back. When Helena mentioned the tracker, Myka took a short trip down memory lane. The tracker incident had been back when she'd still been figuring out how much she should trust Helena. At the time she was always H.G. and it wasn't until after the betrayal and working with Helena's hologram that the Victorian woman was referred to by her name. It was also a time when Myka was still learning how to loosen up and not be as closed off. Little by little she had unraveled.

Pushing the memories aside, Myka focused on the current conversation once again. When Helena glanced her way, Myka gave a quick nod in agreement. She wouldn't admit it out loud but the idea of Claudia staying in the extra bedroom set her at ease. Their whole family would be within feet of each other and she could ensure that everyone was still present. With Pete's departure weeks ago and then Steve's recent departure Myka feared that either Claudia or Helena would be next. If she lost either of them she would be lost. "Even if you choose to not stay with us our door is always open, Claudia." Myka hoped that Claudia would stay with them at least for a little while. But even if she didn't the offer left it so she could come by whenever.

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clauds
2013-01-27 02:24 pm UTC (link)

"Two out of two Warehouse people who went home have been roomies with me. Maybe it really is me causing it. I know it might not make sense, but - a lot of stuff doesn't make sense here." Claudia said, shaking her head adamantly in signal against the idea of staying with them. She had been one of the co-founders of the 50-foot-pole club at home, and had gotten over it to some level, but the truth of the matter was that Claudia still didn't handle the idea of losing people well. The loss of Steve the second time around had proven that... now she was facing losing him again.

"And am I going to have to make myself a 'wand' to sweep for bugs and trackers?" Claudia looked over at the Victorian woman, just with her eyes, fully willing to follow through with that.

Myka's offer did make Claudia pause to think about options, though. After a moment, she shifted her gaze to her Warehouse sister. "I'll stop by during the day? Or you guys can stop upstairs. I'll make a point of not being a stranger." She'd still try to ask and, if nothing else, knock; she didn't want to interrupt private time for the couple. "Though I think I'm just going to be pretty - brain dead for awhile."

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indelibleink
2013-01-27 11:12 pm UTC (link)

On one hand, Helena could understand Claudia's fear. Two of her roommates had been sent home, and she didn't want the same to happen to either herself or Myka simply by staying with them. On the other, she was also certain Claudia well knew that this place had no rhyme or reason to it and that Pete and Steve being sent back home had nothing to do with her and everything to do with this place. "Claudia, I think you know as well as us that this place has no rhyme or reason to what it does." In that moment, Helena somehow likened this place to the Regents at the Warehouse, which was not a good connection to make by any means. But she didn't mention anything on the subject.

"Only if you give me reason to make a tracker in the first place," Helena returned with a bit of a smirk. She was fairly certain that Claudia would follow through with making the wand. After all, Helena would do the same in Claudia's position.

"Definitely do not be a stranger." Helena would certainly be utilizing her Mrs. Frederic-like trait of suddenly appearing to keep an eye on Claudia every so often just to ensure she was getting on all right because Helena did worry. "It is perfectly understandable why you would be brain dead, but that is why you have us." She smiled gently, then looked over to Myka, trying to gauge how she was taking things so far. Her hand was still gently rubbing along Myka's back.

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beringandwells
2013-01-28 03:20 am UTC (link)

A sigh escaped her lips at hearing that Claudia believed it to all be her fault. This place was unpredictable at best and Pete and Steve being sent back had nothing to do with them having both been Claudia's roommate. She was going to say something to that affect when Helena spoke and caused her to pause. The way that her girlfriend had worded her response could have easily been used to describe something else. A something else that Myka was going to make damn sure she asked Helena about later.

Myka couldn't help but let out a small laugh at the mention of Claudia having to make herself a wand. Before arriving in the Land of Make Believe she would have given whoever said it a look that clearly stated they were crazy. The Warehouse had shown her a lot but magic wands, it had not. But that all changed when she appeared here because now she had a best friend who was a wizard.

A small smile and lying her head back down on Helena's shoulder was Myka's response to Helena glancing her way. She was far from all right with everything but for now Claudia was priority. Trying to lighten the atmosphere in the room, Myka said with a forced smile on her face, "She's going to Mrs. Frederick the both of us.."

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clauds
2013-01-28 04:51 pm UTC (link)

"It's swapped people into different bodies, turned people into animals, sent people to 'fictional' locations for a week, had an invasion of carnivorous mutated human-monsters... there's just enough sense that it might do something like 'target Claudia's people-leave-problem, send roomies home' or... it might not. But I'd rather be silly than risk either of you." Claudia rambled off with a sniffle, finding the desire to cry was returning quickly enough. She had a feeling she was going to be going between numb and crying for awhile. She would grab the blanket she had gotten from Santa and wrap up in/cry into it or whatnot while watching TV later.

Still, Claudia tried to put on a good show for the brief moment. It didn't really go to her eyes as she smiled faintly and looked at Myka, then to H.G., then back at Myka. "It might get a laugh if her hair was in a beehive hairstyle when she did it."

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indelibleink
2013-01-29 04:20 am UTC (link)

Helena had a retort, but she wasn't so certain it was the proper time to say it. While the nature of this place was volatile at best, the fact that people came and went wasn't so different than their own world. Things could always change in the blink of an eye. One moment, they would all be there, the next a couple might be missing. So instead of taking that particular approach at this moment, Helena went for a different one. "Silly or not, it does not change the fact that we are here, darling." Which was more the point Helena wished to express to Claudia the most.

When Myka rested her head back on her shoulder, Helena tightened her arm around her, giving her more sense of comfort. She knew Myka wasn't taking this news well either, so what she said to Claudia she also said for Myka's benefit. Though as both Claudia and Myka took off on the Mrs. Frederic track, Helena arched an eyebrow.

"While I may be able to manage the beehive hairstyle, I am not short enough to properly pull off her presence." There was something to be said about Mrs. Frederic in that respect. She did have quite the presence that Helena could only hope to replicate some small part of. Though she was certain she could only actually replicate the suddenly appearing part.

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