InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I need a girlfriend"

Helena Wells-Quinzel is H.G. Wells (indelibleink) wrote in makebelievelog,
@ 2012-11-19 22:33:00

Entry tags:

anakin skywalker, h.g. wells

Who: Anakin and H.G.
What: Anakin has a matter he wishes to talk about.
When: Evening of November 19th
Where: Anakin's workspace in the stables
Warnings: TBA?

When Helena had received the text message from Anakin, the way he'd worded had worried her. If she had been able to put off the job interview and buying food for Thanksgiving, she would have just to see what Anakin needed to talk about. But as it stood, it wasn't exactly proper etiquette, nor did it give one a good reputation if one put off the interview. And Helena was a stickler for putting up good appearances. So she went about her day as originally planned, though all the while she kept turning over what Anakin wished to talk about. It was something that kept turning over in the back of her mind all day.

Once she'd returned from the shopping and put their food away, she fed Grappler and checked on her younger self. Which was checking the receiver for the tracker she'd planted on the girl. Reassured that her younger self had not yet found the tracker and was relatively close by, perhaps in Anakin's workroom or the library, Helena told Myka she'd be back later, giving her lover a kiss before departing and making her way out to the stables. Though by this point, Helena couldn't tell if she was more worried or more curious about what was on Anakin's mind. Helena wasn't exactly certain she was the best advice giver, but she was a good listener, and she hoped she could help in any way she could.

Upon coming to the stall Anakin had in the stables, Helena knocked even though she really didn't need to. Her manners and etiquette were far too ingrained within her to ignore, even if she did have a propensity for invading people's personal space and being nosey. "Hello, Anakin," she greeted, giving him a little smile. "Is everything all right?" All right, so maybe she was more curious at this current moment, but she was still worried. Having friends outside of the Warehouse family was still a very new concept to her, but she was making the most of it that she could.

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darkforcerising
2012-11-20 06:28 am UTC (link)

Anakin wasn’t so much as closed off as he waited until he trusted a person before explaining himself, or spoke of details. He wore his emotions on his sleeve, with little regard to what other concluded about that, much to the eternal exasperation of all the other Jedi of the Order. But he rarely ever explained why to them, even Obi-Wan. He knew the answers they would give, he’d learned them all quickly his first month in the Temple – eschew all attachments and let everything go. In other words, quit whining.

Needless to say, that didn’t work for Anakin, and he had, despite their strong objections, found outlets for his emotions outside the Force. After months of considering his actions leading up to his fall he’d come to the conclusion his emotions and the need to express them had not been the crux of his problem. His problem had been that he’d opened up to the wrong person.

Here, things could be different. There were no Sith or Dark Jedi lurking over his shoulder ready to tempt him to the Dark Side. He could trust Padme and Helena not to abuse the dependence he placed in them.

He stepped back from the bike. It was starting to look more like the impressive machinery it had been during his first meeting with Helena, though with parts still stacked on the work table he had some ways yet to go. Leaning against the table he wiped his hands on a rag, though it didn’t do much good. He gave up when he realized his hands were as good as they were going to get.

He crossed his arms, trying to find the right way to bring this up. He wanted to say ‘No’, but even he knew that sounded petulant. And there was a chance Padmé wouldn’t appreciate him talking about their situation. But he needed to talk to someone. Had not their stubborn insistence that they could handle their situation all on their own been to their detriment last time? In the end that memory won out.

“Padmé might be pregnant,” he said at last.

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indelibleink
2012-11-20 07:26 am UTC (link)

Of course Helena had entertained several possibilities of what Anakin wished to talk about. The first thing to her mind had been something between him and his younger self, though she quickly dismissed that as he would have undoubtedly stated that in the text messages from earlier. No, this was something more personal, something that needed to be spoken about face-to-face. She had been leaning towards he had something about his colored past and future to talk about.

But of all the possibilities she'd entertained throughout the day, she had not even considered the possibility that Padmé might be pregnant. It could be a tricky subject for Helena, but as long as they remained talking about Padmé, she wouldn't have difficulty in talking. Looking at him, Helena didn't need the Force to know he was troubled, but she was fairly certain he was more troubled by whatever had surrounded him finding out about the possible pregnancy than he was the pregnancy itself. Or at least she hoped. She was drawing on personal experience in this matter when she'd revealed her own pregnancy to the father.

"What are your feelings about it? Regardless of whether she is or is not pregnant." Helena was direct in these matters, and while sometimes that could come off more stark than she wanted, she had an empathy in her eyes and demeanor. She wanted to lend whatever assistance she could in the matter. All right, so she might not be able to get through this discussion without at least touching on her own pregnancy, but it was easier for her to dwell on that topic than it was what had happened eight years after the birth of her daughter.

Anakin was right in his trust that Helena wouldn't abuse it by revealing or twisting the things he confided in her. She was past that, and she was making a pointed effort to be a good person and help those she cared about. In Anakin, she'd found someone who knew what it was to be filled with an anger and a hate that so few could ever truly understand. This was not a friendship she wished to compromise in any way.

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darkforcerising
2012-11-20 09:35 am UTC (link)

Terrified, but surprisingly not for the reasons most people are when faced with their own impending parenthood. Anakin never considered he would fail at parenting or raising his children, even given what he knew about his future back home and what he would do as Darth Vader to both Luke and Leia. All that hinged on him falling to the Dark Side, which was what he was more particularly concerned about – avoid that pitfall and things couldn’t go bad. Or as bad. By comparison avoiding the Dark Side made every other obstacle look easy.

“I-” he started to say then had to stop because he could not answer the question succinctly. “I don’t know,” he finished. “My judgment on this is clouded.”

“This was how it all started back home. What lead up to my- to falling to the Dark Side we call it. Padmé got pregnant back home. Then I started getting visions of her dying in childbirth, and…” He sighed and dropped his shoulders, assuming he didn’t have to state that thought to conclusion.

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indelibleink
2012-11-20 10:03 pm UTC (link)

Helena could tell by how Anakin hesitated in his response, that it was seemingly difficult for him to speak on the topic. So she was patient, not pushing him for answers, but letting him respond in his own time and his own way. Though when he did explain himself, his fear, Helena did understand.

"You are afraid that it might happen here the same way it did back in your home world," Helena stated. It was definitely not the typical fear someone had when they were faced with parenthood, but it was a fear Helena could understand. Having been down a dark path herself, she well knew being faced with the situation that began that path was a frightening one. Brushing a hand through her hair and tucking it behind her ear.

"It could be different here. This place is much like a second chance, is it not? No doubt your fall to the Dark Side, as you say, held other factors within than Padmé being pregnant?" Helena paused a moment, thinking. "Everything aside, do you want children?" Because the answer to that question would certainly help Helena help Anakin with this. The answer would also always win out over everything else in time.

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darkforcerising
2012-11-21 01:07 pm UTC (link)

Anakin looked up at Helena and nodded. That was it exactly.

During the Clone Wars he had earned himself the title of Hero With No Fear because of his bold disregard for his own well-being in the face of danger to his friends and loved ones. From the outside looking in he was everything the Republic wanted in their heroes. But in truth that was fear, his courage was driven by the terrifying thought that if he didn’t do everything within his abilities he would lose Padmé or Obi-Wan or Ahsoka, and yes, before he learned of who Palpatine truly was, he cared about that man’s life as well. Isn't that why his mother died? Anakin was brave because he was filled with fear.

And he was afraid of that dark, cold place in his heart, so cold it burned, where the worst of him dwelt. Ever since that night on Tatooine when he’d failed his mother and he learned what he was capable of. It was a truth about himself he’d discovered and didn’t like. And it frightened him, too. It was biding its time, waiting for his defenses to drop. It still whispered its secret, Even the stars burn out.

Helena was right, the reason for his fall was much more complicated than those visions alone. He wanted to believe that, without Palpatine’s manipulative influence, things would not have ended the way they did. But what if he found himself, once again, on a free-fall from which he couldn't pull out?

“I do.” As scared as he was of the darkness within him, he couldn’t deny that a family was one of his greatest desires. It had been since the moment he was plucked from the windswept home he shared with his mother and dropped into the hollow corridors of the Temple and taught to replace love with compassionless detachment. Oh how he’d been jealous of Padmé when he had accompanied her to her parents’ home on Naboo.

But at what price?

“What if this time isn’t different?”

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indelibleink
2012-11-21 09:08 pm UTC (link)

Fear was indeed a powerful motivator, and it was one Helena knew personally. Like Anakin, she herself was afraid of the darkness she had within her. It was a constant struggle with herself to ensure she didn't fall, that she didn't let her guard down. That fear of one's self was something Helena related to in Anakin. She didn't know his entire story, but what she did know put them both in the same category. They both had much in common, and at least to Helena, it was reassuring to know that there was someone who knew what it felt like to be afraid, to hold a hate and anger so powerful that they were pushed to commit atrocities.

At least when Anakin acknowledged he did want children, that was a good thing. It would make approaching the topic easier. And it did show Helena that there was a desire for Anakin to fight against the darkness within him. The wanting of a family could never come out of a dark place. That kind of love and desire was typically a pure one, and one that could motivate someone to stay on the right path in life. She just needed to find a way to work through the fear that Anakin felt to get him to understand that. Because she did believe things didn't have to be the same here. No doubt things were all ready different than what Anakin's path would have been in his own world.

After all, sometimes there were multiple factors in someone following a darker path. While Helena herself had experienced one singular event that made her snap, everything had snowballed afterwards that had led to her ultimately losing her mind and trying to destroy the world. But there was undoubtedly a lack of some factors in this world that had added to Anakin's downfall in his own. Though it could just be Helena's innate belief in the good in people that made her think that, but it was rather difficult to tell that right now.

"Before you go too far down that train of thought, stop and think for a minute. No doubt there are people or factors that contributed to your fall in your world that are lacking here, which works to your favour. You also have friends here that won't let you go down that path. I speak for myself in this matter. I know that fear all too well, and I know how difficult it is to stay on the right path. But I do have faith in you, and you love Padmé. To me, love is what can save us if we let it, and I think it can keep you from following that path in this world. You have a chance to make things be different, to have what you want. Wouldn't you rather take this chance instead of letting it pass you by out of fear and then spend your time here wondering what could have been? Life is too short for regrets, and if we do not take the opportunities presented to us, we may never get them again."

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darkforcerising
2012-11-22 03:16 pm UTC (link)

Anakin couldn’t help the pained look that briefly crossed his face. Helena was unaware of the fact that her attempts at reason sounded eerily similar to the last conversation he’d had with Palpatine when the man had revealed who he was.

You can have whatever you want, you just need to take the opportunity… Sometimes he could still hear the man whispering promises to him.

He didn’t blame Helena for that resemblance; she had no way of knowing just how insidious all of Palpatine’s attempts at turning him were.

“I kill her,” he said, feeling like a Padawan before the Council for judgment despite the fact this was Helena. They were so alike; he knew she wouldn’t judge him. “Back in my universe, I will. Those visions I was having of Padmé dying failed to show why. I go- I went to extremes trying to prevent that from happening, but my attempts will be the cause of her death.”

He swallowed and looked down.

“All my formal education has taught me love like you’re suggesting leads to the Dark Side. Attachments are selfish and cause fear. Which leads to anger and hate.” Anakin understood that those outside the Order had a different approach to emotions, but it was hard to argue with Jedi philosophy when Anakin’s fall to the Dark Side was a prime example of what they believed.

“I do all that I do back home because I can’t stand the thought of losing her. I still can’t. How can I risk adding another person to my life I’ll feel just as strongly about?”

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indelibleink
2012-11-23 05:04 am UTC (link)

Even though it was brief, Helena saw the pained look on Anakin's face. Of course, she didn't exactly know what the circumstances he had back home, but she did pick up on the fact that she had said something that hit a chord within him. She felt bad for it, but it wasn't exactly her fault when she didn't know. Helena was undoubtedly one of the very few in this place that didn't know who Anakin was. Or would become, rather.

Though the admission of Anakin being the one to kill Padmé was one she hadn't expected. Helena blinked in surprise, not exactly certain how to respond to that. Though as she listened to his explanation, it did make sense. Well, sort of. She didn't exactly understand why he'd been taught that love leads to the Dark Side, though she understood the meaning behind it. It had been her own love for her daughter that had driven her down the dark path she'd taken.

"I think it is more a matter of trying to allow yourself to feel, but to keep your emotions from getting out of control. I know that is far easier said than done, but there is truth to it. Learning moderation is not easy, and love means being unable to stand the thought of losing the ones you love." Helena brushed a hand through her hair, knowing that she felt just as strongly about not being able to lose Myka. It was part of why she'd laid down her life to save Myka because she didn't want her to die, so she'd saved her, happy to die in a way that gave her life some meaning once again. "Sometimes things happen that we don't plan, such as a child coming into our lives. If Padmé is pregnant, then adjustments need to be made and precautions need to be taken. But at least in this place, there are no outward threats upon either of your lives."

After pausing a moment, she looked at Anakin. "Have you had a vision here similar to the ones you had in your world since Padmé told you she might be pregnant?" Because if he had, then clearly things needed to be quickly rectified.

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darkforcerising
2012-11-24 12:54 pm UTC (link)

Anakin gave a half-hearted derisive snort and shot Helena a broken, sad smile. Her words made sense, control, especially of one’s self, was one of the major tenets of the Jedi. However, Anakin had never quite mastered that, infamously so, and it was safe to say Obi-Wan had been his strength in that area.

“I have heard some variation of that at least once a day for the past thirteen years. If you can instill the ability to control my emotions within me you will have succeeded where all my masters have failed. I've always relied on others to help me with that.”

That was one thing that eluded the Council about Anakin, his interdependence on those he trusted. Say what you wanted about his failure with emotions, he was skilled at supplementing his strengths for the areas in which his companions were weak. He always assumed, to his and the galaxy’s detriment, they would do the same for him. But when the time came for them to step up to watch his back they failed him just as spectacularly as Anakin would them.

Anakin sighed and shook his head. “No, I have not. Not yet. But I didn’t start receiving them the first time until Padmé was six months or so along. I was left with very little time to figure out how to prevent the vision from becoming reality.”

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indelibleink
2012-11-25 12:38 am UTC (link)

"I will do my best to help you, but controlling emotions is not exactly my area of expertise either. But perhaps it can be to your advantage to know you aren't the only one who struggles with emotions." While Helena was currently more balanced than she had been in a long time, she well knew that she could fall again if she wasn't careful. Her emotions, especially those linked to certain memories, were still so very potent and could envelop her if she wasn't careful.

While having friends outside of those connected to the Warehouse was still new to her, Helena was determined to help Anakin wherever she could. She liked him, and in him she felt a kinship. They both were so very similar, and it did help at times to know there was someone else who understood what it was to go to extremes for loved ones, to know what it felt like to be consumed by those kinds of emotions. So it was Helena's hope that they could help each other along the road of not making the same mistakes they'd made in their own worlds. Anakin had Padmé and Helena had Myka, but sometimes one needed someone who understood without having to explain things. And even with explanation, there wouldn't be an innate understanding because they had not experienced the same emotions, the same course of events. It was certainly a situation that could only truly be understood when one went through it.

"Ah, I see. I do hope that if she is pregnant that you do not have visions here. But if you do, I will do whatever I can to help you. That is a promise." And she truly meant it. She didn't know what exactly she could do, but if she could do even one small thing to help, she would.

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