InsaneJournal

Who: The Ani² and Padmé
What: Padmé breaks her Ani-dolls when she thinks an evening watching innocent animated films would be fun activity
When: Friday evening
Where: The Amidala-Skywalker residence
Rating/Warnings: Low, unless angst over losing one’s mother should have a warning? Link to the saddest children's movie ever.
Status: Complete

Anakin eyed the DVD Padmé had placed on the coffee table as if it might explode or, worse, do something to make him like it, and then cast her a dubious look. Sit? For a few hours? Doing nothing but watching one of these flat shows called movies? That did not strike Anakin as a ‘fun’ time. He liked to move around, or, if he wasn’t moving around, doing something with his hands like working with some electronic device.

“Compromise, we’ll sit,” he motioned to include his younger version, who incidentally also looked a bit skeptical about Padmé’s suggestion. “But we get to work on something electronic while we watch.” Padmé was fairly strict about what she allowed to clutter the flat surfaces of her living space. Almost all projects were prohibited entrance into their quarters until all working parts were connected and firmly ensconced in outer casings. Anakin wasn’t about to pass up this opportunity. Young Anakin nodded his agreement to the proposed deal.

Padmé’s lips came together for a brief moment as she mulled over the deal, but agreed to it after a few moments with a brief added in stipulation. “If there’s any cutting of wire or pieces that come off, I expect them to be cleaned up promptly and in an organized fashion. I don’t want sharp pieces getting knocked under furniture or into rugs and left there.”

She wasn’t entirely sure that watching this “movie” would go over well, but she had thought the opportunity to do something relaxing and bonding might be good. It was a thing that people did on Earth together, so why not give it a try? A bit of cultural experience, it seemed, might even be good for the younger Anakin to allow him to understand local peers. “Agreed?”

The Anakins looked at each other, and as if they were reading each the other’s mind, nodded their heads in unison and said, “Agreed.”

The younger was quicker to move than the older. They had thoroughly taken over a vacant room on another floor for their workshop. In it was housed all the components and parts and projects that Padmé declared not worthy to be in her presence. Ani was already halfway to the door when he called over his shoulder, “I’ll go grab some things-”

Anakin, the elder, was inclined to let the boy do the leg work. “For me can you grab the-”

“Tray by the west window in the main room, ya, got it,” Ani said, nodding. He already knew what his older self was going to request. And then something occurred to him that made him turn around, but he still continued walking backwards towards the front door. “What about the-”

“Wires for your converter?” Anakin asked before the boy could finish. “I picked up a supply on my way back from work today. They’re on the table, corner closest to the front door.”

Ani’s grin was back in place, “Okay,” he confirmed.

Anakin had one more thing to add, “And don’t forget the-”

“Box of plugs on the chair-”

“And the-”

“Container of chips you made the other day. Got it.”

There was a moment where they both paused, looking at each other, and then they ended their eerie conversation with nod. Ani opened the door and slipped out. Anakin turned back to Padmé, he, too, was wearing a grin.

Padmé wasn't sure if she should laugh or shake her head at the banter between the two. It only took her a few moments to get the disc into the player and it started to load on its own, which meant she could turn her focus to listening to the boys. It was, in all senses of the definition, exactly like having a miniature Anakin around. It was uncanny, really, to observe.

"Are you two ready?" Padmé asked after a moment, a smile making its way onto her features at the grin coming from the two boys. And Anakin was, undoubtedly, a boy at heart.

Ani came back with his arms loaded down with his and Anakin’s electronics and the parts and tools they would need to properly work on their respective projects. He set the trays and boxes down on the coffee table, wasting no time setting up their respective work stations. He claimed one end while his older self took the other; though, Ani chose to sit directly on the floor, and Anakin sat next to Padmé on the sofa, leaning forward over his own toys.

Neither boy answered right away, engrossed as they were in their work. Anakin glanced up to locate a specific tool he needed and out of the corner of his eye he noticed Padmé motionless with the remote in her hand, looking at him. He froze, ceasing to reach for the tool and turned to look at her fully. He had enough sense about him to look sheepish for his mistake of ignoring her

“Right, yes,” he glanced at Ani who’d noticed now, too, Padmé’s pointed stare. The younger boy nodded, stilling his hands to wait for Padmé, or someone, or something to grant him permission to continue.

“We’re ready,” Anakin said.

Padmé still didn't know if she should sigh or laugh. It was predictable that they hold some level of happiness and excitement over the momentary adjustment of the rules. Still, they had seemingly already forgotten the cause of the allowance. She settled back into her seat, giving Anakin one last look (disapproving with a hint of playfulness lacing it, prompted by his sheepishness) before hitting the play button.

Even if they didn't enjoy the "movie," Padmé was determined to relax and enjoy it the best she could. If it meant they were fixated on electronics while she was able to enjoy their primarily silent company, so be it. It didn't take long for the crude cartoon to start on the box, a set of odd looking quadruped animals started to go across the screen.

The younger Ani sat biting his lower lip waiting for the mood to shift back into comfortable before picking up the piece of wire he was working on. Maybe once or twice his fingers twitched in anticipation for that moment, but he remained still until he was sure his actions would cause Padmé no further ire. As it was, that moment arrived around the time the cartoonish reptiles started swimming through the opening sequence of the story on the screen.

The elder, on the other hand, resumed his work the moment Padmé shifted her attention to activating the DVD player. She loved him; he had spent enough time with her already to know, unlike his younger counterpart, where the boundaries were between them. He was, for the most part, uninterested in the movie. The animation was stylized, and he could tell Padmé was enjoying it, and, of course, for her, he deemed it tolerable, however, Anakin needed objects to travel at much faster speeds before they caught his full attention. And images on a screen of caricaturized animals simply didn’t fly by fast enough. For the most part this applied to the younger as well, but to a lesser degree, as the boy would steal glances now and then at the progression of the film before focusing anew on his project.

However, the film reached a point that made both Anakins freeze what they were doing and look up at the same time.

“Here I am-” A woman’s motherly voice was speaking on the screen along with a swelling score of compelling music.

The scene that followed was of a newborn hatchling of those long-necked quadrupedal reptiles discovering his world for the first time under the protective guise and reassurance of his mother.

The narration of the film started again. The elder regained his focus for the most part and returned to his work, though now he peeked up a time or two. The younger, however, found the film much more riveting now and his glances at the screen turned into interested looks that stretched for almost minutes before he remembered he was working on something.

Padmé really was happy with the simple act of being together, forming a type of bond by the simple act of stopping and sitting still for awhile. It wasn't going swimming or doing some sort of family activity like the Naberrie family had done on Naboo, but it was a start and it was something. Plus, Anakin and Ani seemed to be enjoying themselves well enough. She noticed as the two started to pay attention, at bits and pieces and, as an entirety, the movie wasn't that bad. It was a bit immature, but it wasn't the worst thing she had endured.

Despite knowing the elder Anakin would've enjoyed something much more speedy and flashy, and likely the younger Anakin as well, she wanted something that was quieter. As the story continued on, Padmé was glad she hadn't managed to pick something up that was more Anakin's pace. This worked well enough for now. She didn't need the two of them wound up by some action packed movie and zooming about like two podracers.

The music was rather enjoyable as well and, as things continued on, Padmé had to hold back a smile as she saw the younger peek up and look for almost minutes at a time. She finally settled down completely, sitting the remote on the table next to the elder Anakin's work.

Everything was going so well. All three seemed to be enjoying the film despite their individual preferences for entertainment. For the time, they were all willing to set those preferences aside for a moment of shared amusement. It was an amazing feat to get one Anakin to sit still for an extended period of time; it was the Will of the Force to get two Anakins to do it, at the same moment no less.

And then everything fell apart in one animated gnashing of reptile teeth.

The movie had reached an exciting moment – even if it still flashed about at less than appropriate speeds according to the two Anakins. All stories needed conflict and this one’s showed up in the form of what appeared to be a bipedal carnivore intent on making a snack out of the main character and his new friend. This slightly suspenseful scene had both Anakins watching more. And when the young protagonist’s mother came to their defense neither boy could look away.

The elder suspected things were not all colorful and happy animation as they appeared before the younger did. But there was so much more the story was filling in with the ground splitting and rolling that there was hope that the simulated terror would be limited to a death defying fight over a tumultuous landscape.

All the excitement of the antagonist reptile and the earthquake settled and there it was in all its heart wrenching horror. It was, in the opinion of both the elder and the younger, the worst possible outcome for that scene. Ever. To put it mildly. In a rain drenched moment that little four-legged reptile lost the very thing the younger Anakin feared most, and what the elder already had. Both stared at the screen unblinking, rapt with all those emotions they were infamous for.

How could this be? This wasn’t fair. No, the hatchling and his mother were supposed to make it to that Great Valley or where ever, together, not apart!

The elder, with his eyes wide, had his hands peaked in front of his mouth. The younger now, now that the scene had set in, was blinking more than normal and bent his frame in such a way to prevent anyone from seeing him fight back those tears unless they looked head on.

Was this what earth children watched for entertainment? Padmé could see the value for a teaching tool, if it was handled properly, but Padmé hadn't seen anything about this on the flat plastic box. Then again, she hadn't read it terribly in-depth and -

Trying not to tear up a little herself at the movie, Padmé's attention was on the elder and younger Anakin instead. She knew there were a number of sequels to the movie. They had been on the same shelf, but she had thought that it would be a miracle if she could get the duo to sit through one. Still, it meant that things had to work out... didn't they?

Padmé's hand strayed to rest on Anakin's nearest arm, a motion of support. The question if either wished to turn the movie off was on the tip of her tongue, but didn't come out. Rather, a look went in the elder Anakin's direction to explain that she hadn't known the content, though he would only see it if his eyes came away from the screen. She kept a general eye on the younger Anakin's position and frame.

Maybe - maybe, since it was a video, it wasn't necessarily a bad thing that they experience emotions. It was a safe environment and, at one word, the stop button could be pressed. That didn't mean Padmé didn't still feel terribly for accidentally picking out a movie where the mother died, but she wasn't going to shield the two of them from emotions now that they had come up. It was too late for either Anakin Skywalker to avoid them.

Neither boy moved. They were stuck to their spots and invested in the learning what would happen to that little, long-necked quadruped now that he had no reason to live. Hyperbolic, yes, but losing their loved ones was something akin to the end of the world in either Anakins’ book.

Anakin felt Padmé’s hand on his arm but he didn’t acknowledge it. He was deep in concentration because he was older and he was supposed to have his emotions in check. But it required a great deal of focusing on that control. He had been doing so well recently with the instruction Luke had given him; he, proudly, didn’t want to break now. But this little reptile’s journey was bringing his mother’s death three years previous back to the front of his mind. He had placed it back there in the months following the incident as a means of keeping himself from losing control again. And now, sure, he wouldn’t fall back as far as he had that night in the Tusken Raider camp, but he’d still been so in control until now.

His resolve slipped further when the hatchling thought he saw his mother in the distance and it turned out to be only his shadow. A tear might have escaped his eye and rolled down his cheek unimpeded for that lonely little boy-reptile.

Little Ani was fighting his own battle. Padmé claimed that missing someone didn’t make you a bad person or mean you would fall to the Dark Side, but how could he be sure. All his instructors seemed so sure about that. He didn’t want it to be true, because he missed his mother so much, and even after two, almost three years of focused training, here he was, saddened by the thought of that being him and his mother on the screen. She had always stood up to Watto for him, she was so fierce, even with her soft-spoken ways. A monolith that shouldn’t be fragile and subject to the cruel whims of life. But he knew that she was. What if he never saw her again?

Sure, that Littlefoot might be making more friends, and they were helping him, but how do you even move past losing your mother?

What was this film?!

Padmé knew she was in trouble. The former Senator held no regrets thus far; Anakin and Anakin needed to feel emotions. Still, it hadn't been what she had expected and she wasn't sure what consequences would result. She wanted to give both a hug; she doubted the younger would appreciate the random show of affection and with the elder - well, when she glanced up and saw a tear on his face, she knew better.

The movie was staying on, her hand stayed supportively placed on the elder's arm, and Padmé continued to keep a cautious eye on the younger lad. Perhaps a throw blanket around the shoulders and a hug after the movie would be allowable, even for someone still struggling between the Old and New Jedi ways... and yet, as Padmé thought about the labels, she corrected herself in her mind; the New Jedi ways weren't "Jedi" in origin. Little Anakin was struggling between the Old Jedi ways and the normal ways. The normal ways that people felt emotions.

Her only hope, at that moment, was that the movie continued to work on its path of recovery. Continuing to live, despite the irreplaceable loss, and dealing with it in a healthy manner.

The movie drew to a close with an ending as satisfying as one could hope for that awful beginning. That is, if one were emotionally healthy and stable. Anakin, either age, was not what one would call emotionally balanced. A slave’s life with only two bright, shining lights – his mother and her singular goodness and the hope that one day they would be free from it all. Anakin had escaped, his mother, too, some five years later, but each had fallen into their own traps. The Jedi were, as much as they tried to claim otherwise, not an association that promoted emotional wellness. And Shmi’s life had ended in torture at the hands of Tusken Raiders. To say the least, this movie had struck a nerve.

Neither had to look at the other to know they were both affected the same way – even if the younger had yet to actually experience the death of Shmi, he didn’t even know that future. But it needn’t be clarified for the younger just why the elder was as wracked with sadness too. Just the mere thought of losing her was enough to bring the younger to tears.

The film ended, there was a silent pause wherein no one spoke. Then both the elder and the younger stood up without warning and split in opposite directions, each to their own room. The doors shut with harsh clicks, one after the other, and Padmé was the only one left in the sitting area.

Padmé was left there for a moment, feeling a little sickened and worried, trying to figure out how to approach this. Maybe, just maybe, a part of her regretted the accidental movie choice. For just a moment, she couldn't help it. She didn't want to cause either of them pain. Still, she knew it was potentially a positive thing. Padmé had come from in the midst of talking to Anakin about his mother's death, from hearing the horror in his voice when he admitted what he had done to the offending Tusken Raider tribe.

Padmé decided to check in on the younger Anakin first. She slipped off to a corner of the main living area to retrieve a throw blanket, something soft and comfortable, before heading for the younger man's room. A soft knock to announce she wanted to enter, the blanket draped around his shoulders, and a hug for comfort. It was followed by a quiet reminder that, "You don't have to, but if you ever want to talk, you know you can come talk to me. Okay?"

Young Anakin was sitting in his window sill when Padmé came in. The spot gave him something to focus on as he sat. He knew he should be going through the exercises of meditation, that’s what he’d been taught. But it just didn’t seem right anymore, at least not at the moment. He didn’t want to, why shouldn’t he be allowed to feel? He wasn’t hurting anyone by doing so.

He looked over at Padmé and scrubbed at his eyes, though the action didn’t help him much. He tried to come up with something to say when she wrapped the blanket around his shoulders, like she’d done back on the flight towards Coruscant. But no words would come, he just hugged her back when her arms went around him, and nodded to let her know he’d heard her. He just wasn’t ready to speak right then. This wasn’t like the night he’d left Tatooine, this felt more raw and pressing, and he needed some time before he could talk again. And he knew, now, she would be out there when he was ready. That alone wrapped him in comfort more than the blanket did.

Padmé knew that talking to her husband wouldn't be like that. Anakin, at the older age, had endured so much more. He had endured the actual loss of his mother, twice. Once when going away to the Jedi, once to a traumatic death.

She was quiet as she made her way into their bedroom, her arms at her side. She wasn't sure what she should expect to find. "Ani."

Anakin was, too, at his own window, for the same reason as his younger counterpart, he needed something on which to focus. But he was standing with his hands clasped behind his back and not even attempting to push away the remains of his emotions on his cheeks. He wasn’t mad at Padmé, he could tell from her own response to what had transpired that she hadn’t known what was in that movie. She could be crafty, but she wasn’t malicious towards those she cared about. And how silly that a movie intended for children had made him crumble so completely.

But then, he’d always felt so strongly about the ones he cared about. The Jedi had tried their best to stomp that out of him, but the more they tried to deny him the simplest expressions of love the more he sought for avenues of affection and comfort. He would find what he needed. Not all paths had been appropriate; he could see now how willingly he’d played into Palpatine’s plans. But he wouldn’t have Padmé in his life if he’d listened to his instructors.

He turned his head slightly to let Padmé know he’d heard her. He, like his younger version, couldn’t think of anything to say.

Padmé moved to close the gap between them, wanting to open the option of an embrace if Anakin was open to such. She had hope, given the evidence of his feelings on his face. She knew she could force an embrace, that she could swoop in and wrap her arms around him, to try to assure him. She wanted to, yet she wanted him to have the option. She went to his left side and faced toward the window as he had, her right arm going onto his left. All it would take was turning toward her and she would respond in kind. "Anakin... please, talk to me?"

She thought about apologizing for the choice of movie, but Padmé didn't lie to Anakin. Of all the people she tried to be honest with, of all the people she trusted to bear the truth of her core to, Anakin was it. She loved him. In their attempt to go forward in the Land of Make Believe, with everything that had or would go wrong upon return to their own galaxy, she was trying her hardest to work toward honesty and openness. With the deprogramming necessary due to the Jedi Order combined with the lack of long-term open interaction experiences between them, she felt it would be best. But complete honesty was easier thought of than done.

Because of that, she went with telling a piece of honesty that she didn't know how he would react to. "It's okay to feel things because of this. I didn't know that was what the movie would be about, but - it's okay to feel things after watching that."

Anakin’s body remained tense until Padmé reached for his arm. He closed his eyes, and the action did a little to stem the flow of tears. If Anakin was ashamed of his own tears he didn’t show it, not much he could do about it now. And this was Padmé, he’d shown this side of himself to her before. She’d been there when his mother had died.

“I’m not mad at you,” he said to reassure Padmé, and it was the truth.

He swallowed before continuing. “I just miss her.” Unfamiliarity with how to seek for comfort kept him rooted to the spot, however. It was hard for a Jedi fresh from the Old Order to know what to do next. He’d broken the rules regarding attachments, but that didn’t mean he had clear direction of the next move in situations like this.

It was true that Padmé wanted Anakin to make the decision as to if he desired an embrace, but she had also married a Jedi Knight. She had been fully aware of the difficulties he struggled with and knew that it would be an ongoing thing to endure, cope, and adjust. She knew the same was true of the young boy in the other room, curled up in the blanket and not yet ready to talk. The combination of Anakin's body relaxing after Padmé touched his arm, combined with the admittance of the fact he missed Shmi, were enough to tell Padmé that Anakin did want contact.

"I know." Padmé moved to gently reach for Anakin's other arm, to shift him slightly to face her and allow for a hug. "It's okay to miss her, Anakin. She was a wonderful woman and your mother."

Something in Padmé couldn’t help but feel a certain sense of sorrow for him. She knew he had been taught not to feel attached. She tried to be respectful of everyone else’s beliefs, but she had endured enough from the Jedi. She utterly disagreed with the idea.

Anakin moved when Padmé pulled at him. He now recognized her intention to hug him and fell in step right behind her. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in close. He sighed and dropped his head to her hair. He’d needed this.

After a while of simply standing like that, with Padmé supporting him more than she’d be able to know, he finally said quietly, “I know.”