Log: Sirius & James - complete Characters: James & Sirius Setting: Afternoon on Thursday, 24 January 1977. James visits Sirius in the Hospital wing. Summary: Sirius opens up to James a bit, but then they distract each other of talk of McGonagal, Slughorn, Rosmerta, Lily, etc. The beginning idea for the Map is formed.
In all honesty, James was feeling less than stellar, but he convinced himself that he didn't have what Alice caught and he wasn't going to catch it. After all, James didn't feel quite as bad as she described, and so after downing a Pepperup Potion that he bought off an illness prone first year, James resolved to go visit Sirius. James was painfully aware of the fact that Sirius was going through a hard time, but he hadn't known precisely how severe Sirius's issues were with his brother, and by extension the rest of his family, until yesterday. James and Sirius had a pretty awful habit of shoving things like this under the proverbial rug; Sirius didn't like talking about his family, and James had never once pressed him, but now he was regretting that. James couldn't help but think that maybe if he had pushed Sirius into talking about Regulus and his family more he wouldn't be stuck up in the Hospital Wing right now. It was more likely than not a ridiculous notion, the fight between Sirius and Regulus was probably inevitable, and yet that was one of the first things James thought once he heard what happened.
James ascended the stairs leading to the Hospital Wing, and walked in. He landed himself in the Hospital Wing frequently enough due to Quidditch injuries that Madam Pomfrey knew very well who James was and so she merely glanced up at him upon his entrance. The countenance Madam Pomfrey wore upon seeing James wasn't exactly pleased, as he had earned the reputation of being "idiotically reckless" in her book, but she said nothing as he walked into the Hospital Wing.
It didn't take long for James to spot Sirius. He walked over to Sirius's bedside, shoving his hands into his pockets once he reached him.
"Hey," James said and offered an awkward smile. "Er-how do you feel?" he asked. It was a very rare occasion when James didn't know what to say to Sirius, but he honestly had no idea where to begin. He wasn't even entirely sure if Sirius was in any mood to talk, but James was pretty sure that they should, if not now, eventually. However, for the moment James decided it was best to let Sirius call the shots. After all, James wasn't the one lying in a hospital bed.
"Hey," Sirius mumbled quietly. What was with everyone asking how he felt? Did all his mates turn into birds all of a sudden? No, that was ridiculous, Sirius knew they were only concerned, considering where he was at the moment. That didn't mean he was any more apt to speaking about it.
"Like bloody hell," Sirius groaned. "New subject."
This was the problem of showing ones emotions; such as displaying them so prominently by fighting. Sirius couldn't lie anymore, he couldn't act like none of it had effected him. The last thing he wanted to do was have to actually admit any of it.
A look of concern flickered across James's face. He could have easily figured out for himself that Sirius felt like shite just by looking at him, despite the fact that he asked, but somehow it was worse hearing it from Sirius himself. James really didn't like seeing his friends hurt, not at all. "I'm sorry mate," he frowned.
James furrowed his brow when Sirius requested a new subject. He had no idea what else to talk about that wasn't entirely unimportant or waded into even darker waters than a simple matter of 'how are you feeling?'. A myriad of questions ran through James's head, the simplest and the one he was most interested in finding out the answer to being 'what happened?'. He ruffled his hair as he regarded Sirius and decided their was no sense in delaying it. Besides, what else was he supposed to talk to Sirius about? Quidditch? Birds? Somehow those two very common subjects seemed very out of place to James right now.
"Well...what happened?" he asked cautiously. "I mean, I know what happened but why did you do it?" James questioned. "I don't blame you, because I don't pretend to know what it's like to have a brother or a family like that," James clarified. The Potters were an exceptionally uncomplicated family, due partially to the fact that it was limited to a grand total of three people. James had no idea what it was like to be a Black, but he was almost positive that if he were in Sirius's position, he would have done the same thing. "And I understand if you don't want to answer, but I have to ask," he added.
Sirius took a deep, slow breath. Why had it happened? Why had he done what he had done? Now, he really couldn't find reason in his actions, and that only made the guilt he felt worse.
He frowned, his hands covered his face for a moment before finally exhaling and pushing his hands up through his hair. He had to talk to someone, he'd much rather talk his thoughts out first with James than having to hash the details out for the first time with McGonagall or Dumbledore.
"I don't know, James, the worst of it is, I don't really know. I was angry, and.. I snapped." Sirius looked down, dropping his hands down to his side. "He was so proud.. pleased, even.. about that reporter - the one who had wrote about my cousin and then was found murdered. That's what you get for crossing a Black, he wrote that in his journal.."
Sirius scowled, his eyes darkening, as he wished that none of this was true. "James, he sounded just like them, and it's all my bloody fault. If I hadn't have left this summer, if I hadn't left him, than maybe he wouldn't be.. maybe he would have.. I'm his brother and instead of showing him better, I walked away from him."
Another groan. Sirius bit the inside of his cheek to stop from saying anything else. Why was it when one person started talking, they just wanted to continue doing so and spill it all at once? He'd said enough, for now.
James frowned. "You shouldn't blame yourself," he said. "Do you honestly think you could have stayed?" he asked, lowering his voice so that it was scarcely above a whisper. James was very conscious of the fact that Regulus was in the room, and he was fairly certain that he didn't know all the details about why Sirius ran away, and James was sure Sirius didn't want him to. "What happened, what she did was inexcusable. You couldn't stay there, it might have continued...or gotten worse," he said and grimaced at the thought.
"Besides, you didn't abandon him, at least it doesn't seem that way to me," James said. "He could have written to you, he could have come to my house in the summer. I don't like him much, but I wouldn't have turned him away," he said. "But he didn't, he didn't do anything. If you ask me, you didn't shut him out, he shut you out."
In James's opinion, Regulus wanted to be like them, or at least he was daft enough to think that he did. If he really wanted to be different than the rest of the Blacks, James thought he would have turned to Sirius. However, he didn't voice that opinion. Regulus was still Sirius's brother, whether he acted like it or not, and James imagined it would probably hurt Sirius to hear that Regulus likely wanted to be a purist lunatic, especially if it was coming from James himself.
"After I left, they were told not to speak to me or of me. As if I never existed." Sirius admitted quietly, and shook his head slowly. "And after what just happened with Regulus, they're better off -"
Sirius looked away from James, staring at a tile on the floor. "I was so angry with Regulus for turning into them, that I became just as bad. I only meant to get him off of me, and when he hit the wall, when I heard him hit it.." Sirius grimmaced and abruptly stopped talking. It made him sick to think of just how capable he was of hurting someone, of hurting his brother. Regulus might be the a stupid fucking prat according to Sirius, but he never meant to send him flying that far, that hard.
James frowned deeply. How could Sirius's parents do that? Most parents would try to talk their son into coming home if he ran away, but the Blacks chose to sever all ties. It wasn't right, or fair, but it was undoubtedly cruel. "Sirius..." James sighed. "They'd be better off if they didn't so thoughtlessly obey every command your parents and aunts and uncles and whoever else make."
"You're not just as bad," James said. "Look, we all mess up sometimes, and that's what you did Sirius, you messed up, but that doesn't make you like them," he said. "They don't feel bad when they pull this shite, you do. That's a big difference," James said.
James had a point, or two, and in any other circumstances Sirius would concede, and allow his best mate to help ease his conscious. Right now, though, it made little difference. Sirius wasn't sure what would help, if anything, but talking didn't seemed to be doing the trick.
"How many detentions do you think I shall be serving," Sirius asked, with a tiny, very tiny smirk upon his face. After all, he wanted a new subject, and he wasn't quite sure how much more he'd be able to dwell on the current one.
"I'm guessing I'll still be serving detention when I'm forty..." Humor. Merlin love it. Humor was the savior of every tense situation, and that was something Sirius lived by.
James allowed, no, welcomed more than anything, the change of topic. They had talked about what was going on, and whether or not Sirius really believed the things James said, at least they would be in his head now. He laughed a bit "I'm actually surprised McGonagall hasn't attempted to smother you with a pillow in your sleep," he teased. "She must be livid," James said. "You know, more than she usually is with you."
"Oh, definitely," James said. "Don't worry, I'll probably land myself in detention soon enough, so I'll be able to keep you company," he said and then released a rather loud sneeze. "I might land myself here soon enough," he muttered and glanced wearily over at Madam Pomfrey to see if she was looking over at him now because of the sneeze, and she was. "Gryffindor really is passing around diseases, just not the good kind."
"Her lividness is just a disguise. The bird wants me," Sirius barked with laughter. He could fake it, being okay that is. And really, he needed to act normal at least for a moment, and who better to be normal around than James Pottter, best mate?
"She'd settle for you, of course, but ol' Minnie, she sits in her office thinking of the many reasons she could justify making me sit through her detentions just so she could se my face everynight." Sirius stretched, and donned on a haughty smirk. "Can't help it, I'm just too sexy for my own good, mate."
James laughed "I'm sure that's it," he said. "She just can't have the other professors getting suspicious of you two, because that would be bad for obvious reasons," James said.
"Good to know I'm the one she settles for, you really know how to boost a guy's ego," he joked. "Yeah, you know what, she's probably pretty bloody excited about this whole ordeal, she knows she'll be seeing a lot of you from now until you're forty," James pointed out. He laughed and rolled his eyes "You better watch that or you might start attracting the male professors. If Slughorn keeps you in his little club after all this, we'll know to be suspicious of him," James smirked, even he was disgusted by the implications behind that statement.
Sirius shuddered, "Ol' Sluggy's not my type. I highly doubt I'll be invited to the next Slug Club event, unless of course, he happens to be a fan of fighting."
A pause, a moment of quiet, even for a short moment.. It was all it took for the somber mood to begin to creep in again, but Sirius was determined to push that aside. "Bloody hell, detention with McG until I'm forty I might as well bloody marry the bird." He shuddered again. What a horrific thought.
"Speaking of birds..." Sirius arched his eyebrow. "Just what bird have you been snogging and sharing diseases with?" Of course that was really the equivelant of asking James if he'd made any more progress with the whole making Lily fall in love with him plan. "You know, so I know who to avoid snogging..."
"Hm, somehow I doubt that," James said. "Such lowly, unrefined activities are undoubtedly bellow old Walrus-face," he mocked. "Shame, I know how much you enjoyed those parties," James grinned.
James was also eager to keep the conversation away from heavier topics. He was pretty sure just talking about stupid stuff like this would be good for Sirius, it wasn't healthy to think and talk about Important Issues non-stop, James firmly believed that. He laughed "Yeah, and to make it worse it'll be as if not only are you married to McGoogles, but you constantly double date with Filch and Mrs. Norris," James snickered.
It didn't take long for James to decipher the meaning behind Sirius's question. In fact, it happened almost instantaneously. "Sorry to report that I haven't been swapping any diseases with any red heads," he said. "But, I'd just like to make it clear that there has been significant progress this year, in case you haven't noticed," James said, but it would be hard for Sirius not to, considering aforementioned red head spent part of the holidays at his house. "Which reminds me, Sirius, best and most loyal mate of mine, why is it that my mother seemed to know who Lily was when she came over during the hols?" he asked. "The way she gushing was extremely embarrassing."
Sirius didn't even attempt to act innocent, instead, he just roared with laughter, getting a glare from Pomfrey who insisted that the Hospital was to be a quiet place. As if any of the Marauders had followed that rule before - or any rule, for that matter.
"Remember the owl asking if you wanted a betrothal to Campbell?" Sirius smirked. "I may have given your dear mum a hint as to who you wanted a betrothal to, so that next time you'd at least like the candidate."
"Just remember, I'm going to be the best man."
James waited, arms folded over his chest, but his lips twisted in an amused smile that he was trying, and failing, to keep off his face.
"Why, yes I remember that very well," he said. The look on James's face was a strange mixture of amusement, hatred, and amazement; leaning mostly towards the side of amusement. As extremely inconvenient and awkward it was to have his mum know who he fancied, James couldn't deny that Sirius's stunt was pretty funny. "You're very lucky you are in a hospital bed and surrounded by witnesses," he said. "Because if you weren't, I would murder you," James said, but it was clear from the tone in his voice and the look on his face that he was joking.
He laughed "All right," he agreed.
"Hey now, would you really want to murder me?" Sirius gave him a shocked look. "I mean, you really should thank me, mate. After all, I invited that red headed love of your life to stay at your house during the hols, planting the idea in her head just for you.."
And because her parents had died and Sirius was being a good friend. But that, like other things, was in that things-we-do-not-discuss vault.
"I even conveniently disappeared to Moony's house on more than one occassion. You owe me." (Of course, he'd have conveniently disappeared to Moony's even if there wasn't a red headed vistor, but that wasn't the point.)
"Did you really?" James asked. "Oh yeah, I think she did mention that when she asked if she could stay," he said as he recalled their conversation over the journals when the arrangements had been made. "All right, I'll spare you. You are apparently useful and worth keeping around," he smirked.
James laughed "Yes, because visiting Moony is such a chore," he said sarcastically. "But fine, I'll pay you back. Once you're out of here we can sneak out to Hogsmeade and have drinks with Rosy, my treat," he said. Naturally, James and Sirius would get into an immense amount of trouble if they were caught, but obviously James wasn't really thinking about this. Besides, it wasn't likely that Rosmerta would rat them out to Dumbledore, or worse, McGonagall. They were, after all, her best customers.
Sirius chuckled, "Well, if you insist. I can't deny Rosy our company, she must be lonely with Hogsmeade weekends having been cancelled. She should know that won't keep us away."
"You know, mate, I've been thinking. There's all this hearsay about the Ministry wanting to control Hogwarts better, and well, we know this school better than anyone, but if there's going to be Ministry officials in and out of this place we can't bloody well be getting caught. Somehow I don't think they'd be as lenient.." What better way to distract himself than with a project - a rule breaking and mischeif orientated project. "We should do something though," he shrugged casually. "To help prevent getting caught."
"Of course not," James said. "That would down right disloyal of us, and it's not right for us to keep her waiting and wondering if she'll ever see us again, so we'll just have to go visit her as soon as you're up to it," he said. "Besides, Lily's birthday's coming up, I should pick something up for her," he grinned.
James listened to Sirius and considered the proposition. It was definitely a good idea, even if the Ministry didn't get as thickly involved with Hogwarts as people were anticipating, getting caught less would still be beneficial. As much as he joked about them with Sirius, James could really do with a few less detentions; they were pretty tedious, and Fabian gave him hell when it meant missing practise. "Yeah," James agreed. "That's a good idea," he said with a nod. "How do you think we could manage that though?" he asked. "What else can we really do outside of the precautions we already take?" James wondered.
The precautions they took were rather limited. They more or less consisted of merely walking and moving very quietly when sneaking about, and using James's invisibility cloak; which as brilliant as it was, the cloak was not infallible. Something that was more infallible would be good.
Sirius furrowed his eyebrows in thought for a moment. He really wasn't sure what they could do, but thought that they could do something. "We'll have to ask Moony, he's the clever one," he smirked. "As soon as I'm out of here, we're locking Kingsley out for an afternoon and coming up with something brilliant."
"You should surprise Lily with a picnic of sorts. It's too cold out, but with a bit of charming one of the empty classrooms it could work. Something that's away from everyone else, and quiet." Sirius suggested, figuring that right about this time Lily would welcome the break away from other people constantly looking at her and wondering if she's alright. "It'd be like a Holiday vacation away... I'm sure it'd be the best thing you could get her this year." At least, he knew if he were Lily, he'd gladly take a break away from the spot light.
James nodded "Yeah, I'm sure he'll be able to come up with something and then we can all figure out how to make it work," he said. "Sounds good," James grinned. If he was a bit more sympathetic, James might feel bad that they kicked Kingsley out so frequently, but he wasn't. James didn't dislike Kingsley, it was just that Sirius, Remus, Peter, and himself had a pretty close knit friendship, there wasn't room for anyone else and they needed their privacy. The whole school couldn't know about their exploits, after all; that would defeat the point.
"That's a really good idea," James said. "I was thinking of getting her a load of stuff she'd be missing out on because the Hogsmeade trips are canceled," he told him. "I could tie that into a picnic thing or whatever," James said. That was just the sort of thing birds liked, James thought. It would definitely be another step in the right direction.
"A picnic of just Honeyduke's sweets? And Rosy's Butterbeer? She'd probably marry you on the spot," Sirius laughed lightly. "You'll whisk her off her feet in a cloud of sweet sugary goodness."
Sirius noticed Pomfrey heading in their direction, and decided he'd better give his mate a heads up, lest he did end up in the hospital wing taking ill tasting potions because of the cold he was coming down with. "Speaking of whisking off one's feet, I suggest you head out of here before Pomfrey whisks you off yours and right on the bed next to me. I appreciate the company, but no need to sacrifice your freedom on my behalf," he shrugged.
"If I was her I would!" James laughed. "I'd bring regular food from the kitchens," he said after a moment of thought.
James looked over at Pomfrey and immediately got to his feet. "Right," he said. "Well, I'll be back, unless of course I become infectious like Alice and Marlene," James said. "I won't plague you, not now that I've decided I'm not going to murder you," he told Sirius. "Talk to you later," James told him and then swiftly made his way past Madam Pomfrey and out of the Hospital Wing door before she could see how peaky and generally ill looking he had become in the past hour.
The moment James was out of the Hospital Wing, he let out another colossal sneeze. Without Sirius to distract him, the fact that he really did feel like shite began to sink in "Oh, fuck," James groaned to himself and headed back to the Gryffindor Common Room.