Julian Blackthorn (nottoleavethee) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2019-08-19 07:42:00 |
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Entry tags: | !closed, !completed gdoc, !log, ~2019 august, ~25 points, ~~emma carstairs (alsoflexible), ~~julian blackthorn (nottoleavethee) |
WHO: Julian Blackthorn and Emma Carstairs
WHAT: Dinner
WHEN: This evening
WHERE: A sit-down burger place
WARNINGS: Nah
STATUS: Closed/Completed Gdoc
Julian would have taken Emma someplace nicer than burgers, but when she’d mentioned having burgers, it suddenly made a lot of sense. After all, this wasn’t a date. It couldn’t be. No matter how much either of them wanted it to be more, it was just two friends going out and having food, so something casual was the best way to go. Or so he told himself again and again and again.
He spent way too much time getting dressed, trying to look nice enough but casual enough that it was clear this wasn’t a date but that she’d still think he looked nice. And when he left his room to go knock on her door, he was every bit as nervous as if it were a date. Stupid.
It wasn’t a long walk to the burger place. It was a sit-down sort of place where they served you - better than Hinkles but still not very fancy. When they were seated and given their menus and water, he looked over at her for a moment without saying anything.
“Um,” he said finally. “So, how are things? We don’t talk enough.”
And he knew that was his fault as much as hers.
***
No, they definitely didn’t talk enough, and Emma hated that. He was her best friend, but because of the curse, they couldn’t even be around each other without so much tension. Sometimes she missed the days before she knew he loved her; it had been so easy to be with him then. But she wouldn’t give up her love for him for anything, even if it meant they couldn’t be together. She just hoped Chris and the other Halliwells could come through with a fix, or she might just die of frustration.
For now, however, they were here on their non-date, and she had him to herself, and that had to be enough.
“Pretty good,” she said, wishing it didn’t feel so awkward. This felt like catching up with a distant cousin she hadn’t seen in years, not hanging out with Julian, who knew her better than she knew herself.
“Did you like the cruise? I looked for you, but barely saw you.” She tried her best not to sound accusatory, but a hint of hurt slipped out anyway.
***
That hurt pierced Julian’s heart, and he almost flinched. Yes, it was true he’d avoided her on the cruise, but he hadn’t meant to hurt her. He never meant to hurt her. It was the last thing he ever wanted to do. But sometimes it happened...because of what the world had done to them. He felt angry that their lives had turned out the way they had, that they’d been cursed to love each other when it wasn’t allowed to be. It wasn’t fair.
“It was fine,” he said, but it was obvious it hadn’t been his favorite time in the world. Honestly, he was glad to be back.
“I’ve started painting again,” he said, changing the subject abruptly.
***
Emma was glad he did. That could’ve gone awkward, very quickly - more awkward than it already was. It was a new thing, to be awkward around Julian. They’d been best friends for so long, he was almost like an extension of her. She wished they could go back to being that, somehow.
“Oh, that’s great!” Her enthusiasm was genuine. “What’re you painting?”
***
“This and that,” he said evasively. He didn’t want to tell her that he’d been trying again to get that perfect shade of gold for her hair and that he couldn’t seem to bring himself to paint anything other than her, because she was the only thing in his heart and mind.
“I thought maybe one of these days I’d try to get the sunset over the river,” he continued. “It’s lovely, and a bit of a challenge, too.” Sunsets always were. Finding the right colors was far more difficult than it seemed.
***
“Oh, that’s great!” Emma’s enthusiasm was sincere. Although she didn’t have any artistic talent herself (except for the stick figure kind), she’d always been able to appreciate art. At least Julian’s art. Well, only Julian’s art. But that was the only art that counted, as far as she was concerned.
“I miss the sunsets over the ocean,” she admitted. “But the ones here aren’t that bad, especially now that the days are longer.”
***
“Me too,” he said. He missed a lot about being back home. Having a real purpose, for one thing. He didn’t mind being in school and learning; those were things he liked. But he was unable to be a Shadowhunter here, and that was what he was born for. He wasn’t just a normal teenage kid, and yet he had to act like one. It was a bit awkward.
“They’re pretty enough, especially over the river,” he said flatly, looking at the menu. After a moment, he sighed and looked at her.
“I’m sorry it’s...no, I’ve been this way.” He knew that she’d understand exactly what way that was.
***
Emma shook her head. “I know why you’re doing it.” She didn’t have to like it, but she understood it. And she didn’t say it was okay, because it definitely wasn’t okay. But what else could they do, as long as the curse wasn’t lifted?
She was quiet for a moment. “Is it that hard? Being around me?”
For her, even if she couldn’t be with Julian, she’d rather be around him and hurt than not be around him at all. But it seemed that he was coping in the opposite way, by avoiding her completely.
***
“It is,” he said softly. “It’s really hard.” He couldn’t help it. He just loved her so much that being around her was torment. She was still his best friend, and he missed that part too, but the part of him that loved her more than life itself couldn’t stand to be denied her. He knew it was childish to avoid her, that he needed to be more mature and be her friend, but he just couldn’t bear it.
“But I can overcome it,” he said, regardless. “It doesn’t feel right to be so...distant from you, either.”
***
Emma plucked restlessly at the corner of her napkin. She looked down for a moment, gathering her thoughts, then back up with him, her longing clear on her face. “I’ve missed you,” she said simply. “For me, it’s harder not to be around you, than to be around you know...and not be with you.”
***
Julian wished he could be that strong. Because that’s what he thought it was - strong. Being close to someone you loved so much without being able to love them was so damn difficult. But…
“If that’s what you want, then I’ll try. I promise. I’ll try.”
***
A weight lifted from Emma that she didn’t even know she had. Even though she liked hanging out with Violet and had made some other friends, no one was Julian, and not even she realized just how much she’d missed him until now.
“Good,” she said. She almost reached out to squeeze his hand, but managed to stop herself. That wasn’t going to help either of them. “And if you need space…” It would be hard, but she could handle it, as long as he didn’t disappear completely. “Just let me know, okay?”
***
Julian nodded. That was the grown up thing to do, to let her know that he needed space and not just disappear on her. He was a little ashamed that he’d done exactly that, and he was going to try to do better from now on out.
“It’s hard to be around you,” he said softly. “But I’m miserable when I’m not.”
Because their relationship was more than just the romantic part. She was the best friend he’d ever had.
“It’s not right for us to be apart. It literally hurts.”
***
Emma nodded emphatically. That was exactly how she felt: that being apart from him hurt. There was a constant ache in her heart when he wasn’t there to fill it.
“Let’s go look for school supplies together,” she proposed. “You can tell me all the ways I should be using colored pens.”
Shopping for school supplies was far from Emma’s favourite thing to do, but it was something he’d like, and at the moment she was so desperate to spend time with him she was willing to debate the merits of 5 subject notebooks versus 3.
***
That brought out a smile, a bright and sincere one.
“I’ve told you that before,” he reminded her. “And you don’t listen. But if you think you can actually do it this time, I’ll be glad to help.”
His eyes were warm as he looked at her. He loved shopping for school supplies, and she knew it. She knew everything about him, like nobody else did. It was an amazing feeling to be so close to another person. Heady, almost.
***
Sometimes it still baffled Emma that people could find Julian boring, or easily overlooked. She was constantly aware of his presence, and when he smiled like that...wow. It was like a bunch of stage lights turning on all at once.
“It’s just that every time you start talking about highlight points, all I hear is ‘blah blah blah’,” Emma complained. They were falling back into an easy patter now, like how they used to. “Don’t I get points for even taking notes?”
***
“You’re hopeless,” he said, with a glimmer in his eyes that said he thought she was anything but. “But I suppose you get a few points for that. I’m perfectly happy to give you my complete description of when and how to use highlighters and pens, and what’s the difference between the two.”
He arched an eyebrow, looking forward to her reaction about that. He loved teasing her. He loved being with her like this. She was more than the girl he loved, she was his other half, and he was starting to feel like he’d been really stupid for avoiding her for so long.
***