Who: Natasha and Jordan Where: Jordan's place When: Not long after Mason got sent home What: Helping out a sister Warnings: Low/None/Sadness Status: Closed | Completed gdoc
It was always hard when one of your own was sent home, Natasha wasn’t actually sure what Mason was going back to but she sincerely hoped it was better than Natasha’s own fate. She’d heard about his returning home and her heart had broken for Jordan, she hoped her friend was doing as well as she could do. Natasha didn’t know what she’d do if Bruce got sent home like that, but she wanted to be there for whatever Jordan needed.
Bag of meals and snacks in hand she made her way to Jordan’s place, letting herself in but being sure to call out so as not to make her friend panic when she walked in. “It’s just Natasha, I wanted to check in on you”
***
Jordan hadn’t been doing very well since Mason had gone home; the only thing that’d kept her from falling apart completely was the fact that Stilinski had lost Maggie as well. Their house was pretty much like a two-person house of the dead at the moment. She knew that he was trying to keep up appearances for her as much as for himself, and she hated that he felt like he had to.
She was strong enough to handle stuff on her own, damn it, why couldn’t she? Why did it have to hurt?
“I’m in the kitchen!” she called out when she heard Natasha’s voice. She’d been standing at the counter, staring down at the same cup of tea for like half an hour.
Details.
*** “Hey” Natasha said as she entered the kitchen placing the bag on the counter before wrapping her arms around Jordan, “I’m so sorry” she said softly, arms staying tightly around her friend offering her own strength and understanding should Jordan want or need it.
She totally understood the need and want to keep up appearances but Natasha didn’t want Jordan to think she had to do that around her. If she needed to fall apart and cry then Natasha and her shoulder would be there. Anything Jordan needed, it was what friends did.
***
That hug was what did Jordan in; she’d been hanging on by a slim thread that day -- some days were better than others -- and Natasha’s hug just did it. She turned slightly burying her face against Natasha’s shoulder and clinging. She knew it was stupid, but she’d be embarrassed later. Now she’d just be a grieving wife.
Though she felt more like a grieving widow.
It took a few minutes before she could do anything more than sob; when could, it was to manage saying, “It’s not fair, Nat, we don’t even know what he went back to!”
*** In Natasha’s eyes Jordan had absolutely no reason to be embarrassed now or later, she obviously needed this release and Natasha was here for her. She held her friend close and rubbed a hand up and down her back in what she hoped was a soothing manner.
“You’re right, it’s not fair. I wish I had the power to bring him back for you, or at least let you know he was okay” That was the real unfairness of it all, the not knowing in cases like this.
***
Jordan laughed slightly as she finally pulled back, wiping tears from her eyes. “I could live with not having him back,” she said. “As much as it’d kill me, I could live with that if I knew what happened when he got there.”
They’d both been fairly certain it wasn’t good, but at least if she knew...
She sighed. “I’ve cried so much in the past few days it’s ridiculous,” she said with a teary laugh. “I didn’t think I could cry this much.”
Welcome to grief, Jordan.
***
Natasha nodded in understanding, seeking that reassurance was understanding. It was a terrible thing to be left with that unknown. One of the true cruelties of the dome.
“It is certainly surprising, the body’s capacity for grief is far more than we ever expect it to be” Even for a trained killer such as herself Natasha felt things far more than she had ever expected to, but then it was only natural after gaining a family and friends, to care for them and grieve when something happened.
***
“I never thought I’d be caring about people this much,” Jordan admitted. “Back before… when I didn’t know what I really was…” It was really hard sometimes, talking about the whole “being a clone” thing, really talking about it. “I cared about the others. Of course I did. But we were all so focused on our chances of getting chosen to go to the Island. We were all so focused on what it might be like there.”
She took a breath to focus, she could do this. “So we were all -- or at least I was -- a little… I don’t know… disconnected? Distant? Incapable of peopleing?” It’d made sense in retrospect, why did you want your walking part farms being that self-aware? “Now, though? It all hurts so much.”
It didn’t hurt quite as much with friends that were there for her, though. Stilinski was being amazing, sitting up with her at night and talking even when she knew he was doing his own share of grieving. Lissa had invited her to move in; she was going to do that eventually, she just couldn’t leave the house yet. And Natasha…
Natasha was the older sister she didn’t actually have, and she was grateful beyond belief for it.
***
“Seems easier in a way doesn’t it? That disconnect, especially at times like this. But everything else you’d miss because of it makes the pain worth it, in the end. It might take a while to see that perspective again but you will. I promise” Natasha told her, her own experience may not have been with clones but the red room had not wanted their agents to get attached to anything or anybody either. It was a similar background with a few tweaks here and there.
***
“Right now, I don’t want to.” Jordan smiled shakily. “Is that normal? I don’t know if it’s normal.”
She didn’t know if a lot of things were normal. She’d never been good at that, and right now she felt if she were even worse at it. Tom had been the one to ground her, to help her figure things out. (Or at least, he’d helped her the most.) Without him, she felt lost. Adrift.
And as much as she knew deep down that Natasha was right, as much as she’d seen other people go through what she was going through now… all she wanted to do was cling to the disconnect. The numbness.
***
“It’s normal” she assured her, “And you can take as much time as you need, just remember I’m here whenever you need me. Just call and I’ll be there” Natasha promised.
Natasha understood the feeling of being adrift, before Clint and Bruce and the others she’d often felt it. But she knew she’d never quite regain that disconnect, just as Jordan wouldn’t either. They had too many connections now.
***
“I will,” Jordan said with a nod. “I will.”
And she knew she needed to pull herself together right now, needed to at least try and be normal, just to see if she could. Not pretend to be okay forever, she couldn’t manage that. But she could try for a little while, just to see.
Another thing she figured Natasha would understand.
“So,” she said, forcing herself to at least not sound as sad and depressed as she was feeling, even if she didn’t hit cheerful. “Let’s see what food you brought.” Because she’d seen Natasha set those bags down, yes she had, and she couldn’t help but be curious.
***
“I promise you I didn’t cook any of it” Natasha told her with a smile, as she opened the bag, there was an assortment of meals Bruce had prepared all ready to go in the freezer for Jordan to use up whenever she needed to and then lots of chocolate, popcorn and just comfort food snacks which Natasha had chosen.
“I was thinking we should have a movie night once a week or something, and that’s not just because I want to help you eat these snacks” she added, teasing her gently.
***
“Oh good,” Jordan said, peering in as Natasha opened the bag. “Because I’d like to not die from eating this stuff.” Not the best teasing in the world, but at least she was giving it some kind of a try.
“And a movie night sounds nice,” she said with a grin. “You just keep your hands off the chocolate covered peanuts or I’m gonna kick your ass, you hear me?”
Aww, the rallying cry of the little sister!
***
Natasha’s cooking skills, or lack thereof, were relatively famous among her friends so it was a pretty good attempt on Jordan’s part. “I love you too much to inflict my brand of food poisoning on you” she replied.
“Oh really? Well you know you can’t just challenge me like that, I might just have to eat all of them now” she swiped the chocolate peanuts from the bag, holding them away from Jordan as she made out like she was contemplating eating them.
***
“Hey!” Jordan protested, laughing and swiping out for them. ‘Not fair, Nat! That’s mean!”
But it’d gotten Jordan to laugh, so it was the best thing in the world, not that that was on her mind.
“Give them back or I’ll… okay, fail because I don’t know what your favorite thing in here is. I really should’ve thought that threat through before I started it.”
***
“Don’t worry, that’s what I’m here for. I can teach you the art of a proper threat” Natasha promised laughing herself, “And if you learn well I won’t eat all of these” she added shaking the bag she still held.
***
“Okay, I think that makes you the most awesome older sister ever,” Jordan said, giggling now and sounding a little more carefree. “I mean, I’ve never had one, so don’t quote me, but… I’m pretty sure.”
For someone who’d never actually had family of her own, she wasn’t doing so bad herself.
*** “I haven’t either but I’m pretty sure you’re the best little sister I could have” Natasha told her honestly, glad Jordan was smiling a little bit easier now.