Julian Blackthorn (nottoleavethee) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2019-05-06 13:43:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !closed, !log, ~2019 may, ~25 points, ~~emma carstairs (alsoflexible), ~~julian blackthorn (nottoleavethee) |
WHO: Emma Carstairs and Julian Blackthorn
WHAT: Finally having a talk
WHEN: Today
WHERE: Alec’s place
WARNINGS: No
STATUS: Completed Gdoc
Julian had known for a very long time that he couldn’t avoid Emma forever. He didn’t really want to avoid her forever, or, honestly, at all. But he had been, because it was easier than facing her. He was ashamed of himself for that, and after their conversation on the network, he knew that he couldn’t do it anymore. They had to talk.
Getting home from his job washing dishes, he changed into clothes that didn’t smell of sweat and leftover food, and made his way up to Emma’s room. For a moment he stood before her closed door, trying to figure out what to say, but nothing would come. For once, he didn’t really know what to say.
With a sigh, he finally reached out and knocked on her door. They had to talk, whether he could think up the perfect words or not.
***
Emma had been trying to keep herself busy to keep her mind off Julian. Keeping busy was the easy part: between school and cheerleading and helping around the house, she kept plenty busy.
Keeping her mind off Julian was the hard part. Everything she did made her think of him. And every time she thought of him, she was reminded she couldn’t have him. In the end, she couldn’t blame him for trying to avoid her. Maybe that was what she would’ve been doing, if he hadn’t gotten there first.
Usually Emma was a woman of action: she didn’t take the path of avoidance unless she had to. But things had stalled with the Halliwells; they were still researching, but they hadn’t found a cure for the curse yet. Maybe they never will. Maybe it was simply the will of the Angel for her and Julian to be apart. But how could the Angel be so cruel? He couldn’t. Emma had to have faith that there was a way out of this.
But Julian was stubborn too; and if he wanted to avoid Emma, he would do an extremely good job of it, no matter how hard Emma pushed otherwise.
So when the knock came on her door, she didn’t think anything of it. It was probably Alec, wondering if she was going to put away the spaghetti she’d been snacking on all evening.
She threw open the door. “I’m going to finish it, I sw--” She stopped. “Julian.”
***
As always, Julian’s heart clenched at the sight of her. She was always so much more beautiful in person than he imagined her, even when he’d only seen her hours before. Today was no exception.
“Hey,” He said softly, shoving his hands in his pockets a bit nervously. “We should talk. About everything.”
Everything between them was definitely a lot to talk about, but because of his stubborn insistence in avoiding her, a lot of things had piled up.
“Can I come in?”
***
Emma started to nod, then thought better of it. Being alone with Julian, in a room with a bed, wasn’t a good idea right now. Especially when he was standing there looking like a whole meal. She swallowed, suddenly hungry for something that was decidedly not food.
“Uh...you know what? I gotta take the casserole dish downstairs. We can talk in the kitchen.”
***
“Sure,” He said, understanding in an instant why she didn’t want to be in the bedroom with him. It made his mind go to other places as well, and they couldn’t allow themselves to be distracted. It was a good call on Emma’s part.
He followed her downstairs, leaning against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed.
“First,” he said, “I want to say that I’m sorry. For avoiding you. We both know I have been, and it wasn’t right of me.”
***
Emma focused on pushing the dish away. She had greater sympathy for him now that she was in such close quarters to him. Julian wasn’t big, not like Cameron was, but he filled up the kitchen anyway with his presence, so much so that she felt like she could turn and touch him just by turning around. She didn’t.
“I get why you did,” she said, her voice low. “It isn’t easy for either of us.”
***
“But you’re my parabatai. And my best friend. We should be facing this together, not avoiding each other. No matter how hard it is.”
He knew that he needed her. Avoiding her had been painful, both physically and emotionally. Their bond needed them to be close in both ways, and he’d pushed her away while hoping he could help her. It had been stupid of him.
“How can we make it easier?”
There had to be something. He’d try anything.
***
“I don’t know,” Emma said quietly. She supposed, if they looked, they could find someone who could at least suppressed their feelings if they couldn’t break the curse. But Emma didn’t want to suppress her feelings. She didn’t want to stop loving Julian, even if they couldn’t be together. She’d loved him all her life, in one form or another. To stop loving him would be to stop being everything she was.
“I just know that whatever happens, I don’t want to be apart from you anymore.”
***
“I mean, I don’t know if it’s possible to break the curse without breaking every parabatai bond out there. And that isn’t acceptable.” He couldn’t do that to Jace and Alec, or to Clary and Simon, or to any of the other parabatai who hadn’t taken it in an unnatural direction.
“But I don’t want to be apart from you, either. I miss you every moment of every day and I can’t stand it anymore. I’ve tried to be strong and stay away, but it’s ripping me apart.”
***
Emma took a step towards him, but stopped herself. The pain in his expression mirrored hers, and even if she didn’t love him as she did, she’d want to comfort him. Because beyond the love they had for each other, beyond the Parabatai bond, they were still friends. Had been, since they were young children. Things were complicated now, but it didn’t erase the fact that he was still her best friend.
Deciding to ignore the complication for now and just be a friend, Emma almost ran over to him and threw her arms around him.
And as soon as she did, she found herself gasping in relief. This was what she’d missed for so long: this feeling of home.
***
Julian let out a small gasp before wrapping his arms around her, pulling her as close to him as he physically could. She was soft and strong and perfect, and fit against him like she was meant to be there. He had to struggle not to let the tears stream down his cheeks because he’d missed this for so long, too. This was how it was supposed to be, parabatai together. They weren’t supposed to be apart from each other, and the fact that he loved her more than life himself made the distance hurt even more.
“Emma, what do we do?” he whispered into her hair. “How do we get through this?”
***
“I don’t know,” Emma said honestly. She’d been so full of plans, before. She’d thought she could make his love die if she was with someone else. And not just someone else, but the one man Julian has explicitly told her he could not handle her being with. That hadn’t worked. Nor had anything else she’d tried. Now the Halliwells were working on a solution but as the days went by she found it harder and harder to hold out hope. There was only one thing she was sure of.
“I just know I can’t do it without you.”
***
Julian closed his eyes tightly. Despite his logical thoughts that it would be easier to do this without his feelings for her, he knew in this case that it wasn’t true. Not just their parabatai bond, but their deep friendship made them inseparable. They hadn’t been apart more than a few days as long as Julian could remember, and every one of those had been utterly miserable. He knew very well that Emma was right, no matter how much he didn’t want to admit it.
“I can’t either,” he finally admitted. “So we need to come up with some way we can figure this out. Some way we can break the curse, or fall out of love with eachother.” He sighed and looked at her a bit sadly. “I think breaking the curse would be easier.”
***
Emma nodded, relieved that he was no longer pushing her away.
“The Halliwells are still working on it,” she said. It was slow going, with all kinds of false starts and dead ends, but she still held out a bit of hope. She had to, because the alternative was unthinkable. “We just have to keep looking for options, and try not to go crazy in the meantime.”
Easier said than done. Even if the curse didn’t get her, repressing her feelings might just kill her.
***
Julian very much wanted to believe that there were options. He wanted to believe that this feeling in his heart, this ache that was eating him alive and getting more terrible every moment, would some day end. But his practical side didn’t allow him much hope. They’d both studied, they had other magical people looking into it, and so far it had come to nothing. His feelings for her were as strong as they had ever been, and he didn’t see that changing.
“And if there are no options?” He asked. “What do we do then?”
***
“Let’s deal with it then,” Emma suggested, letting her arms come up to wrap around his back. It was a struggle not to hold him tighter, to sink in deeper, but she held herself back. She had to, in order to make this work. If she gave in to what she wanted to do, which was throw him down on the table and have her way with him, she would either spook him and not see him again for months, or activate the curse and kill everyone she loved. Neither were viable options.
So she just contented herself with holding him close, and trying to be okay with it. For now. “Let’s just...not avoid each other, for now. And deal with everything later.”
She’d missed him so much, she didn’t think she could bear it if he pulled away again.
***
Julian could no more pull away from her right now than he could deny her what she wished. “Right,” he said softly. “No more avoiding each other.” She was right, this was too right to ignore, and the pain that he’d felt from avoiding her had disappeared. He felt whole again, complete. He was supposed to be with Emma, and it was...well...unnatural to avoid her. He couldn’t do it again. He wouldn’t.
“Alright,” he said, clearing his throat this time. “No more avoiding each other. But we have to figure this out so we don’t end up, well, going crazy and killing everyone we care about.”
***
Emma nodded. Her hold on him loosened, although she couldn’t bear to fully release him just yet. “I’ll check in on Chris,” she said softly. “See if he’s made any progress. And we can see if anyone new’s come in that might have powers that can help us.”
If nothing else, they had access to people and powers here they never would’ve back home.
***
“Right,” he agreed. They should check out all of their options here, see if they could figure out how to use the strangeness here to their advantage. Maybe somebody had something they could do, maybe there was some way to break the curse that didn’t exist back home. He could hope, anyway.
“Let’s do that. There has to be something. I can’t believe it could truly be so wrong and so unfixable to love someone else like I love you.”
***
Emma couldn’t either; she’d never had. She was just glad that Julian was coming around to this way of thinking now.
“I love you,” she said, a bare whisper. She knew it was forbidden, but after all they’d gone through, she needed to tell him. She just hoped that one day she could tell him - and the world - without having to fear the curse.