Who: Ian and Magnus What: talking honestly When: After some people disappear and things start going weird Where: Magnus’ house Warnings: TBD Status: started as gdoc, to be finished in comments
Things were getting pretty weird in town. A bunch of long time residents had disappeared (presumably sent home, but you never knew), stores had stopped getting deliveries, and there was a big countdown clock, which was pretty darn ominous. It was either the end of the world, or they were all getting sent home, or possibly something worse. No one knew for sure. But one way or another it seemed like they wouldn’t be here much longer.
Before he was sent home or died or whatever was going to happen to them, Ian had some things to get off his chest. Specifically with Magnus. It had gone badly the last time they’d spoken on the network, and besides, this was the kind of thing you wanted to talk about in person. So Ian went over to Magnus’ house and knocked on the door, hoping that Magnus would be willing to talk to him.
***
Magnus had mixed feelings about going home. It would be good to see his friends in Valhalla, but for the time he’d been here it had actually been nice to interact with the world of the living. Things had almost been normal for him - or at least as normal as they could be living in a place like this.
But it was what it was, and he had no control over it, so he wasn’t letting himself get too upset. He just hoped the place would let him keep his memories. He didn’t want to forget a lot of the people he’d met here.
Hearing a knock on the door, he ran to answer, but when he opened it and saw Ian, he stopped short.
“Uh. Hey.”
***
Ian had pretty mixed feeling about going home too (if that’s what was happening- he wasn’t totally convinced it wasn’t something worse). On the one hand he missed his siblings so so much and finally going home and seeing them again would be awesome. On the other hand, he’d still be bipolar. Going home wouldn’t fix anything, and he’d probably end up hurting his siblings the way Monica did. They hated Monica, for good reason, and they might end up hating him. He didn’t think he could bear that.
And from what he’d been told, most people didn’t remember their time in Madison Valley after they went home. So he wouldn’t know he was bipolar and would have to go through the whole process of diagnosis and finding the right meds again. Probably after doing something crazy or horrible to the people he loved.
So he was fucked either way. But at least he could set some things straight between him and Magnus before whatever was happening happened. At least that’s what he thought until Magnus opened the door and Ian saw the way he stopped short.
He shouldn’t have come. He was a dick for just showing up and wanting to rehash things that were water under the bridge now. He should have left well enough alone.
“Hey...uh...sorry I didn’t call first...but...I was wondering if we could talk?”
***
Magnus wasn’t sure if he should have called first. Because he didn’t know what he would have said if he had. He didn’t really want to talk to him, but he wasn’t angry like he had been, either. It had all just kind of turned into this dull ache that he was moving past because, well, he had to. He didn’t really have a choice in the matter.
He looked at Ian for a few minutes, trying to decide his own feelings on the matter, before sighing and stepping outside. This might be one of the last times he saw Ian. He could at least listen to what he had to say.
“Sure. Talk about what?”
*** Ian almost sighed in relief when Magnus stepped outside to talk to him. He’d been afraid for a minute that he would just slam the door in his face or something. OK, door slamming wasn’t really Magnus’ style, so maybe just close the door, but still.
He had his hands in his pockets and looked down nervously. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m really sorry for some of the stuff I did before. I wasn’t on drugs. But I’m...I...I have bipolar disorder. I didn’t know it at the time.” Except he kind of had, he just hadn’t wanted to admit it, which made him even more of an asshole. “But I know it now. I’m...it’s not an excuse.” Because it kind of sounded like he was making excuses and that was the last thing he wanted. “I just wanted to tell you that you were right. And to let you know that when I was an asshole to you it wasn’t because I didn’t care about you. I do...did care. And you didn’t deserve it.” *** Magnus’s first reaction was that he really wished that Ian had told him this before. Back when it mattered. Back when they maybe could have salvaged things. He wasn’t sure that they could now.
“Oh,” he said. But he wasn’t meaning anything bad by it, he was just thinking. Trying to figure out how best to react. He often sounded dumb when people sprung things on him like this, and he hated it, but it was who he was.
“Are you feeling better?”
That, he guessed, was the most important thing.
*** Was he feeling better? No, not really. What most people didn't realize was that being manic felt fucking fantastic, at least at first. It got out of control and scary eventually, but the first part, the ride up, was amazing.
But he figured what Magnus was really asking was whether he felt OK. Stable. He was feeling OK now for the most part. At least he didn't feel like a zombie like he had the first few weeks.
“Sort of,” he answered. “I'm on meds. I have been for a couple months, ever since I stole Colonel Sheppard's truck and crashed it into the dome.” Did Magnus know about that? Ian wasn't sure, but he figured he was putting all his cards on the table.
“I'm more stable. For now, at least. It's not really something you ever get better from.”
***
“You did what?” Magnus hadn’t actually heard about that, and he was pretty obviously concerned now. Even if he’d fought with Ian and had been really damned unhappy with him, he’d never wished him any harm. Of course, it obviously had turned out okay since Ian was here talking to him.
“Why did you do that?”
That kind of manic attitude was something that Magnus could never really understand. It just wasn’t in his personality.
***
“Why? Because I’m fucking nuts, that’s why!” Ian laughed bitterly. Magnus just wasn’t getting it. Ian was going to have to lay it all out for him, crazy delusions and all. “I thought demons were after me and that an angel told me that if I hit the dome at just the right speed I could escape and go home. I thought the fucking trees were talking to me!” He was almost shouting, so frustrated with himself and the situation and his stupid fucking disease. But he knew that wasn’t going to do any good. He needed to be calm now. “Sorry...I...just...I don’t know how much you know about bipolar, but it’s a serious fucking mental illness. My mom has it, and she’s been in and out of hospitals my whole life.”
***
“I mean, I know it’s a real illness. I get that. I mean, I’m not saying that it’s not real because I know it totally is.” He’d met a lot of people with various mental illnesses while he’d been on the streets, and he knew intimately how very, very real that they were. And how the people with them suffered.
“I just don’t understand it, that’s all,” he said. “I don’t really think that anyone who doesn’t...you know...have one can understand?”
*** “You’re right.” Ian said, much more calmly. “You can’t understand. I never understood until it happened to me. When I was a kid I never understood why Monica couldn’t just snap out of it. Why she couldn’t just decide to be a good mother if she wanted to.” He got it now. It didn’t really make him any less angry with Monica, but he got it.
“Anyway, I guess my point is that there’s no point in asking why I did any of that shit. None of it makes any sense, because I’m just crazy.”
He wished he had a cigarette, as much to have something to do with his hands as to calm his nerves, but he’d stopped smoking months ago when he’d started dating Magnus. He didn’t miss it often, but he did right now.
“You kind of got out at the right time. Before things got even more fucked up.”
***
Magnus wasn’t sure about that. He wasn’t sure that ‘getting out of it’ was a good thing at all. He still missed Ian a lot, despite everything that had happened, and he couldn’t help but wish that it had all gone down differently. That they could still at least be friends. Maybe...just maybe...they still could be, but it was going to take a lot of work and a lot of patience. Neither of those things were problems for Magnus, necessarily, but he guessed first he should try to decide if it was something he wanted. If it was something either of them wanted.
“Well...I’m glad you’re getting help,” he said. And he was. He didn’t want Ian to suffer, no matter how angry he might have been at him. And he definitely hadn’t wanted him to come down with some horrible mental disease, even if apparently that wasn’t something new. “And I really am sorry about the way things went down,” he said softly.
***
“Yeah, me too.” Ian said back just as softly. “I’m sorry about a lot of things, but especially that.” He knew that there was no going back to the way things had been before. He didn’t deserve it, wasn’t capable of it, and probably wouldn’t be here much longer anyway.
“Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that, before we get sent home, or the dome collapses and crushes us, or whatever’s about to happen happens.”
***
No, there was no going back. Maybe in time they could be friends again, but it would be different. Things had changed, and they would have to take that into account from now on.
“Yeah,” he said. “I’m glad you did. I wish I’d known then, I could have been more, I don’t know...sympathetic?”
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
“What do you think is going to happen? I mean, really?”
***
“Yeah, well, I didn’t know then either.” Ian said sadly. “I don’t think anybody did, except for Isak, because he’s seen it before. Maybe I should have known, since my mom has it too, but I guess I was too close to the situation. A crazy person can’t’ tell they’re crazy, right?” He still couldn’t really be sure when he was going out of balance. It bothered him and scared him.
“Well, one way or another it’s ending, right? I mean, the countdown clock must be for something. But if we’re getting sent home, then why not just do it? Why have the clock? Maybe it’s s something worse. What do you think?”
***
“Well, I’m sorry it happened.” Was that the right thing to say? Should he say he was sorry that he was sick? Was that the right thing to do? He didn’t even know. He was dead in his world, so he knew how it was to not want pity for something while at the same time acknowledging that something really sucked. That was kind of his life.
He was glad when he changed the subject.
“I mean, are they going to kill us, do you think? ANd how would that work for me, since I’m already dead?”
***
“I don’t know.” Ian shrugged. “Probably not, I guess. Despite all the crazy things that have happened here, they haven’t killed anybody yet, and I guess if they wanted to they would have. But at the same time, if they’re just going to send us home then why the countdown? Why not just do it?”
“The only thing I’m pretty sure of is that things aren’t just going to go on as they are. One way or another, things are ending here.”
Which is why he’d wanted to clear things up. He was pretty sure they’d never see eachother again after this.