Steve Rogers (neverdanced) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2018-05-25 18:14:00 |
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Entry tags: | !closed, !completed gdoc, !log, ~2018 may, ~25 points, ~~steve rogers (neverdanced), ~~veronica mars (veronica_mars) |
Who: Steve Rogers and Veronica Mars
What: Gone and back in a blink
When: Early Friday morning
Where: Their house
Warnings: Avengers: Infinity War spoilers
Status: Closed/Completed Gdoc
A rough couple of years, and Steve hadn’t ever expected it to end well. He’d never expected a happy ending. But he’d never expected it to end the way it had. He’d never expected to go up against the worst any of them had ever faced, not just the world but the entire universe in the balance, and to lose it all. To know they’d failed and worse, he’d watched Bucky just turn to dust in front of his eyes. The most painful thing he’d ever had to witness, the last time he’d watched his best friend die included.
There was nothing that had broken Steve as thoroughly as that battle had. His heart had wrenched in his chest and he’d had to briefly close his eyes against the hopelessness of it all.
Only to open them again, ready to get up and push on somehow, to find their survivors and regroup, figure out whether or not there even was a next move, and rather than in the jungles of Wakanda Steve found himself sitting in bed beside his wife. Bloodied, sweaty, coated in dust and right back in his quiet, civilian life in Madison Valley. How long had he been gone, he wondered. It couldn’t have been too long, she didn’t look any more pregnant than she had the last time he’d seen her. Their room looked exactly as it had when they’d gone to bed, right down to his pants folded neatly over the back of the chair in the corner. A couple of days, maybe, if he was lucky.
Reaching out, he brushed her hair back from her face, heedless of the grime on his hands. He didn’t want to wake her just yet if he didn’t need to, would let her sleep and soak in the peace of that for a few moments. He didn’t even know how to begin telling her about the last two years of his life, but he’d have to do it sooner or later.
***
Being pregnant was exhausting and, even though she’d barely started, Veronica found that she was sleeping more deeply than she could ever remember. That didn’t stop her from stirring when she felt Steve’s hand brushing a piece of hair away from her face though.
She wrinkled her nose. “Why does your hand smell bad?” she asked. She hadn’t been aware of him getting out of bed and she didn’t think her pregnancy hormones had kicked in that much yet. After a moment, she opened her eyes and sat up with sleepy confusion. “How long was I asleep?”
When they’d gone to bed last night, he definitely didn’t have a full beard or long hair.
***
There was a lot about him that was different from when they’d gone to bed. Steve smiled, softly but there was little happiness in it. He was happier than he could even say to be back with her, to be back to starting their family and sharing their life, but there was a lot too that was too bad for him to move past just because Veronica was there.
“Funny; I was going to ask how long I was gone.”
Clearly not long enough to be missed, and for that he was glad. His family here in Madison Valley was always being put through too much, he’d never wanted to put them through losing anyone again. It wasn’t in his power, but he hoped, tried not to believe that maybe he had done anyway, that this was all a dream of a life that would never be possible now. He tried not to believe it was possible that his mind had finally snapped, unable to hold up with everything he put himself through.
***
That woke her up more fully and she sat up straighter, taking a moment to really study him. “Couldn’t have been more than a few hours,” Veronica said, realizing that she’d apparently slept through him being sent home yet again. On one hand, she was glad that she didn’t know he was gone so she didn’t stress over it. On the other hand, it was scary to realize that he’d clearly gone through hell while she slept.
“How long was it for you?” she asked. There was a weariness in his expression that clearly took some time to develop and she remembered that the last time he’d gone home, he ended up a fugitive.
***
“Two years.” Years of a lot of strain and a lot of hard work. All ending in what was definitely the worst fate he’d ever seen, more than he ever could have imagined. They’d always won, before. They’d gone through hell, sometimes they’d lost people along the way, but they’d always done what they were there to do. They’d saved the world. Not this time.
This time it had all been for nothing and they hadn’t been good enough.
Their losses, his loss of the most important person in his life there, one of the most important here too, when he’d just gotten him back healthy and happy, was for nothing. Steve could have made peace with it if they’d managed to save anyone.
***
The words carried the weight of his experiences and Veronica leaned in to kiss his cheek, but recoiled when she got closer. “I’m sorry, honey. I love you, but can you please go take a shower before we talk about this?” She felt bad asking, but it was pretty obvious that he’d been in the middle of something pretty intense before he came back and pregnancy hormones were a bitch.
“I’ll make coffee for you and bring it back up with me,” she offered. That scent, at least so far, wasn’t bothering her, though drinking it made her queasy. Luckily she’d mostly kicked her reliance on caffeine when they started trying for a baby. “We should have an hour or so before everyone is up.”
***
Steve paused for a second, answered with a laugh that was little more than a gust of air. “I guess I’m a little too dirty to be in bed,” he agreed. He probably wouldn’t want to be with him either. “No need for you to get up, though.”
She was pregnant, needed her rest. She didn’t need to be getting up early for him. Steve wasn’t ever going to be the kind of person who easily accepted being taken care of. Even if it was coming from his wife. Especially if it was coming from his pregnant wife.
He took her hand briefly before sliding out of bed, boots leaving a trail of dust on the floor as he made his way to the shower. Idly he thought he’d need to clean up later, something he hadn’t had to worry about in a long time.
***
As soon as she heard the water running, Veronica slipped out of bed and padded downstairs to make coffee for Steve and tea for herself. By the time he was done, she was back in bed, hands cradling a cup of ginger tea, his coffee steaming on the nightstand.
Making drinks gave her something to do other than obsess over what he might have gone through during the two years he was at home. It was never anything good when people from that world went home and given Steve’s appearance, she was seriously concerned about him. Since they’d met, she couldn’t remember a day going by when he didn’t shave, so the mere fact that he had a full beard was a sign that things were not quite right.
She wasn’t too concerned about cleaning up after him. There was always time for that. Her primary concern at the moment was his well being.
***
Normally, Steve didn’t linger in the shower, but needing to collect himself he took a little longer than normal. Nothing was normal anymore, though.
He didn’t bother shaving, hadn’t in long enough that it wasn’t habit anymore, but coming back into the bedroom his hair was pushed back from his face, at least, and the blood was washed away from the split in his lip. It would take a couple of days to heal, but still wouldn’t be the biggest reminder of what he’d gone through.
Seeing that she’d gone downstairs and made coffee anyway, he sighed, shook his head and just got dressed for the day, his uniform was still in good repair but needed a cleaning and wasn’t appropriate for Madison Valley, before moving to sit on the edge of the bed beside her. “You never did listen when I said don’t.”
***
“I wanted tea anyway,” Veronica said with a shrug. Besides, going downstairs and making him a cup of coffee didn’t really require any effort and she had a feeling he was going to need the caffeine to tell her about whatever he’d gone through.
She leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek, giggling a little at the way his beard tickled her nose. “Kinda digging the scruffy look,” she admitted.
***
It wasn’t the first comment Steve had gotten on it, but it was one that almost got a real laugh out of him, and he smoothed his hand against his jaw. “I guess that’s another reason to keep it for a while.”
He was just used to it now, it was a part of who he was now. He was a wanted criminal, likely to get arrested if anyone got their hands on him, or he had been before everything had turned for the worse, and that kind of life necessitated a little more facial hair than he normally would have liked. He’d needed to not look so much like himself. And to not feel so much like himself.
Now he was just so used to it that he only noticed it was there when someone else did.
***
Veronica shifted her mug to one hand so she could reach out and take one of his with the other. “Talk to me,” she said. She wasn’t going to ask if he was okay, it was obvious he wasn’t, and she wasn’t going to ask if he wanted to talk about it, because she knew that he wouldn’t want to, but he definitely needed to.
“What happened?”
***
He’d known that she’d want him to talk about it. He probably did need to. But Steve didn’t know where to even start. Two years was a long time and so much had happened. The worst he’d ever lived through and then some had happened.
Steve took a moment, looking at her hand in his, she looked so delicate against scrapes and cuts and calluses and there was something soothing about that. He’d never know what he’d done in life to deserve Veronica, never had any intention of questioning that either, but he was always glad that she’d chosen him. That she was there for him. Good to him.
“End of the world,” he said finally, quietly, struck by how much truth were in the half-joking words Bucky had thrown his way just hours ago. The start of what would be the last time they’d ever be together. He tried to keep himself from falling apart completely, but tears sprung to his eyes regardless and there was a clear tremble in his breath.
***
Those quiet words coupled with the tears in his eyes made Veronica’s stomach lurch with the certain knowledge that Steve was not exaggerating. The details weren’t important right now, possibly wouldn’t be ever, because she knew without a doubt that Steve was carrying the weight of this on his shoulders.
She leaned over to set her mug of tea down and moved to wrap her arms around him, words failing her. There was nothing she could say to make this better. I’m sorry was inadequate given the magnitude of the situation and it was too soon to assure him that he’d done all he could to prevent it, even though there was no doubt in her mind that was true.
So, Veronica opted not to say anything and simply be there for him.
***
The problem with giving it his all, with all of them facing it together and doing everything in their power short of sacrificing what made them better than their enemies, was that it hadn’t been enough. Steve had fought with everything he had and it hadn’t been even close to enough. He wasn’t the only one suffering, he knew that, and that only made it worse.
Grief weighed heavily in his chest and he leaned into his wife’s arms, face pressing against the side of her neck, took her comfort even though he’d just come from something that couldn’t be soothed away that easily. A quiet moment alone with the woman he loved did help some.
For a few moments, he stayed just like that, breathing her in and making no effort to stop tears from falling. End of the world wasn’t the worst part, and he knew he’d have to tell her sooner or later, so better to do it while nothing could hurt him more than it already had. He had to force the words out.
“Bucky’s gone.”
He never should have let T’Challa pull his friend into the fight. He should have told him explicitly to leave him wherever he was, let him live out what had turned out to be the end his life in peace.
***
“Oh, Steve,” she said as her arms instinctively tightened around him. The pain of that loss was palpable and Veronica felt her own eyes getting wet at the thought. At least they had Bucky here. They would have to cling to that.
There wasn’t much to say and there was no easy way to comfort him.
***
Having Bucky here, knowing he would probably be up soon and going about the morning routines not knowing anything was different should have comforted Steve, but reality was far from it. Bucky would take one look at him and know something was wrong, even if Steve went right now to shave and cut his hair again, even if he could magically heal away the injuries that littered his body. There was no keeping that from him and there was no saying he didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to share.
Worse still was that every minute that passed that he didn’t hear the start of the house waking up, the more Steve worried about Bucky having gone home to that.
He fell quiet again, stayed wrapped up in Veronica for another few moments and probably for the first time since they’d met, let alone been together, didn’t feel like he dwarfed her. Among everything that was terrible right then, it was nice to know that he could feel small and weak and she would just embrace him and not try to give any reassurances. There wasn’t anything she could say to him that would help now. What he needed was exactly what she was doing.
After a few quiet moments he took a stuttering breath and pulled away, just enough to lift a battered hand gently to her cheek. It was hard to put into words just how much he appreciated and loved her in that moment.
***
Veronica was trying not to think about the possibility that Bucky had also been sent home, even though it seemed to happen in waves with their people. She wondered who else didn’t make it, how many of Steve’s friends that he was mourning, but this wasn’t the time to ask. There would be plenty of time for details later. Right now, she needed to offer whatever love and support she could, even if it felt woefully inadequate.
When he pulled back and lifted a hand to her cheek, she leaned into his touch even as she mustered up a sad smile for him. “Do you want to try and get a little bit of sleep?” she asked. There were going to be a lot of questions about his new look at breakfast and she wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to rest a little before facing the rest of their family.
***
Even if she’d asked, Steve wouldn’t have been able to provide an answer. He didn’t know how many they’d lost, but he knew the extent of the damage and it was so much worse than he ever wanted Veronica to know about.
“You have no idea how good that sounds right now.” He shook his head as he spoke, though, leaned in to press a kiss to her forehead. “But you know me and sleeping.”
He’d never done a whole lot of it after coming out of the ice, especially not when there was something he needed to face first. He tended to push himself to collapse, which he was already on the verge of, with no regard for his own well being. If he took a couple of hours to rest now, that would only cause more worry from everyone else. As hard as it would be, as ill equipped as he was to deal with it right now, it might be better to face the questions right away.
***
The whole ‘pushing himself to collapse’ thing was precisely what Veronica was trying to avoid though she knew it was a long shot. “Well, at least sit here with me for a little while,” she said, reaching over to pick up her mug again. “We don’t have to get up just yet.”
She was honestly a little freaked out about the fact that she’d nearly lost him and needed the reassurance of keeping him close. This was supposed to be the happiest time of their lives now that they were expecting and she kind of hated that the dome threw this at them.
***
There were very few better offers that Steve could imagine than staying with his wife for a little longer. A few minutes he figured wouldn’t stir up too many questions. It was completely like him to hang around and support her, and a few minutes would give him some time to decide what he was going to say to the inevitable questions. Especially Bucky’s.
Who he still hadn’t heard getting up, was starting to worry about even more.
“Sure,” he agreed, his hand dropping to rest on her knee instead. That little bit of contact was enough. A reminder that he was there with her. For both of them. “How are you feeling today?” Focusing on someone not himself would help him keep a brave face for the kids, and knowing Veronica was right in the middle of the morning sickness stages made her an excellent target for his concern.
***
Luckily, morning sickness wasn’t much of a problem. At least not yet. Veronica was aware that could change any time, but for now, she was going to appreciate it. “I’m good,” she said. “A little tired, but no nausea.”
She wouldn’t even mind her husband fussing over her right now, knowing that he likely needed that outlet and to focus on something he had a chance to influence.
***
“Maybe you’re the one who should get a little more rest.” The attempt at humour didn’t really sound right, but it was made all the same. He had to be able to act a little more himself if he had any chance of convincing anyone not to ask too many questions. There would already be plenty just because of his appearance.
“Got to take care of yourself.” He’d already been fussing over her before the trip home; it was only going to be worse now. If Steve couldn’t protect the world, he was damn well going to protect his family, whether they needed the protection or not.
***
“I can’t sleep for the next nine months,” Veronica said. “Gotta push through it.”
That didn’t mean she wouldn’t take it a little easier than usual, but she also wasn’t about to just stop living her life because she was pregnant. She knew that Steve and Bucky were going to be overly protective though.
“But I’m not in a hurry to go downstairs.”
***
Fussing and protecting was Steve’s way of showing his love. He was reserved, so it was what he had. Especially now.
“A few more minutes can’t hurt anything.” It was more of an agreement to stay upstairs for a little while longer, an excuse for Steve to take a little more time to steel himself against what was coming when they left their room and to spend a little more time soaking in the comfort Veronica’s presence provided.
“At least finish your tea before we go down.” He hadn’t touched his coffee, wasn’t so sure he could stomach it right now,or that he wanted the familiarity of it when the last two years hadn’t had a lot of time to sit in bed and enjoy a cup. When the only time he had done was the few hours, a day, here and there when things hadn’t been so hard and they’d taken some down time to stop in in Wakanda and that just reminded him of the worst of his personal losses.
***
Veronica noticed that he hadn’t touched his coffee, but she didn’t mention it, figuring he had his reasons. “Yeah, okay,” she said, snuggling closer to him before taking a sip from her mug. Today was going to be rough because everyone was going to have questions about his new look. They definitely deserved a few minutes of peace together before facing that.
“I love you,” she said.
***
With a deep sigh, appreciative of the allowance for a few minutes and the unwavering and unquestioning support, Steve just curled his arm around her, pressed a lingering kiss to the top of her head. There was nothing in the universe that could ease the hurt he was feeling completely, but Veronica went a long way toward helping some.
“Love you, too,” he answered quietly. He’d never said the words often, didn’t like just throwing them around until they were meaningless, but there were moments when they were necessary. This was one of them.