InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "3, 2, 1... blastoff!"

Connor Murphy (todisappear) wrote in madisonvalley,
@ 2018-01-11 13:33:00

Entry tags:

!closed, !log, ~2018 january, ~25 points, ~~connor murphy (todisappear), ~~evan hansen (andhereswhy)

Who: Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen
What: Connor calls Evan after dinner.
Where: Connor is still in the clinic in-patient, Evan at home.
When: Thursday Evening
Warnings: It's Connor and Evan so...
Status: Closed

Connor had wanted to call Evan for days now but he hadn't been able to make himself do it. He was sure the other boy had homework and other things going on, and though he knew Evan would empathetically promise that he wasn't a burden, Connor still didn't want to bother.

That morning, however, he'd been given the news that he would be going home on Saturday. Connor couldn't remember a time when he had felt happier than he had the moment Dr. Beckett told him. It felt good, actually wanting to return to a place he felt safe. He felt... cared for. He decided that Evan would want to know. Dr. Beckett had probably already told Susan, and so it wouldn't surprise him if Evan already knew, but he still wanted to share the news with him.

Making his way over to the phones after dinner, Connor sat down and lifted the reciever from the phone. He brought it to his ear and dialed the number which he had memorized at this point. He'd wanted to call enough times that the number was etched into his memory. His finger hesitated over the last number but he forced himself to press it, his leg shifting up and down nervously as he listened to the dial tone.

He wondered what Evan had been up to. He hoped he was doing alright. Would he be happy to have Connor coming home after having the place and Susan to himself for two weeks? Would it be awkard, with Connor coming back into their lives? They had both visited a few times since he was admitted and it hadn't seemed like they didn't want him around, but Connor couldn't help but wonder.

Would Evan still want to be his friend?

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andhereswhy
2018-01-11 08:04 pm UTC (link)

Evan's phone didn't ring. Not very often, anyway. And he was okay with that. He didn't like talking on the phone. It was easier, he supposed, than talking to someone in person, but he still had a hard time articulating.

But when the caller ID told him it was the hospital calling, his stomach did a flip-flop number. It could be Connor calling, or it could just as easily be the doctor calling because there was a problem. No, he reasoned, they wouldn't call him. That would be a call for Turner. Which meant it had to be Connor. Connor was calling him!

He swiped his finger across the screen. "Hello?" he answered with the pitch of a question, his voice higher than usual because of the excitement he felt. Connor was calling him, Connor wanted to talk to him. Of course, he could be calling to say he didn't want anything to do with Evan, Evan knew that was a very real possibility too, that his time away and the therapy he must be getting, he'd decided he didn't want to be part of Evan's fantasy.

And what then? Evan didn't know what he'd do. So much of his hope for the future now was pinned on Connor. He felt he needed Connor, needed the reality of this friendship, to help him recover from the damage of his past. He needed to make amends, to make his friendship with Connor real, and redemptive. He'd used Connor's death as a vehicle to gain love and acceptance back home, now he needed to use his life to gain something more real and lasting, to build a solid foundation for them both.

If Connor rejected him now, all of that would go away. And he'd be left with...with nothing but the fantasy he'd created in his mind.

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todisappear
2018-01-11 08:26 pm UTC (link)

Connor waited, wondering if maybe Evan was busy but then the click of the call being connected and Evan's voice, light and a little eager on the other end of the line. He felt a smile tug at the corner of his lips. He needn't have worried, it seemed, that Evan didn't want to be his friend. He could hear it in his voice, that he was happy to hear from him.

"Hey, buddy," he said, chewing on his lower lip. Now that he had called, he was feeling awkward and unsure of what to say. He decided he could start with the obvious, and work his way from there. But part of him still wondered if his coming home would only set Susan and Evan back or if it would all be okay. He'd learned very young that it was better to expect the worst than to expect better and be disappointed.

"I don't know if Susan told you but I get to come home on Saturday..."

Connor looked down at his fingers, frowning to see most of his black nail polish he had chipped away completely. He would definitely need to get more once he got out. Chipping away at the last bit on his thumb, he cleared his throat.

"I, um, I can't wait to see you, Ev." He fell silent before realizing how this could sound and not wanting to weird the other out, he nearly tripped over his words to continue. "I mean, and Susan too... I miss you... you guys..."

He rolled his eyes, mentally kicking himself for acting so lame.

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andhereswhy
2018-01-11 08:53 pm UTC (link)

It didn't matter if Evan knew Connor was coming home on Saturday or not. Hearing Connor say it felt like the first time he was hearing it. Evan could sense the hesitation, the fear that clouded the other boy's excitement at the prospect. Or maybe he was projecting. Because having Connor home meant Evan had to deal with it, with the merging of his fantasy Connor with the real deal with there in front of him. He had a lot of mixed feelings about that, because in his fantasy Connor was everything he ever wanted, and in reality, he knew Connor was going to fall short of that picture perfect ideal probably more often than not. And while Evan was okay with that, it was still a scary thing for him to have to deal with.

"We...I..." Evan stumbled. He knew what he wanted to say, but saying it felt raw and exposed. Saying it would make him vulnerable. He drew a breath. He trusted Connor. But he was also scared. He knew it was ridiculous, but he couldn't help it. He had been alone for so long, until he found love and acceptance in Connor's name. It was a lot of hope to pin on a boy who was so far lost in the darkness that he was mere moments from ending his own life. Evan was scared he wouldn't be enough to keep Connor from walking that lonely path again, scared Connor wouldn't be enough to keep him off that very same path.

He'd walked it before, and the cast on his arm was the physical proof. Evan looked down at it, at Connor's name staring back at him. He drew a breath. "I miss you, miss you too," he said, his voice low but strong with conviction. He did miss Connor, he wanted Connor home. There was no question about that.

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todisappear
2018-01-17 04:59 am UTC (link)

Connor felt instantly reassured that he hadn't freaked out the other and was grateful. Just because he knew he liked the guy and definitely wouldn't mind dating him didn't automatically make Evan gay, bi, pan, or interested. He did notice the stalling in Evan's voice as he first said we, then I. When Evan finally spoke up again, he said he missed him. Not the we that was Susan and Evan but the I that was just Evan. Evan missed him too. He now regretted changes his but there wasn't much he could do about that now. He'd just have to tell Evan when he saw him at home next.

Home. He'd never called the house he lived in back where he came from home. Not in the way people usually meant it, anyway. Here he'd refer to it as home because that was what a lot of people called it. But that house, with his parents, and with his sister he struggled to connect with before giving it up—that hadn't been a home. Not even close.

The apartment with Susan and Evan though, especially after the morning when Susan had done the impossible. Or what he had always thought was impossible. He had worked very hard to build up those walls. He'd made them as tall as possible and several layers thick. He'd equipped them with catapults and flame throwers and traps. But Susan had disarmed him with her kindness and sheer selflessness. She never blamed him.

That was the part that confused him the most.

He smiled now, at Evan's words and nodded. He then realized Evan couldn't see the nodding.

"I'm glad. That means you can't back out of tree climbing lessons. Once your cast is off, of course. Did they... have they mentioned when that can happen?"

It was easier now, to fall into a casual sort of tone, now that they had both been assured that they had been missed by the other.

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andhereswhy
2018-01-17 04:59 pm UTC (link)

Evan couldn't see Connor nod, but that didn't mean he didn't sense it. He could almost picture it. The lightness of Connor's tone helped to convey it, whether it was real or not. Evan had a fairly robust image of Connor in his mind, after all.

"When I first, what I saw Adam the, the first time? He said a month. Maybe, maybe soon, I guess." But they hadn't set a specific date. Adam had given him a timeframe said they'd work it out after a couple weeks. Evan could tell his bones had healed, he had almost no pain, aside from the ache that came from the cold.

Evan missed Connor terribly. He curled up in his bed every night, bundled down under the covers, wishing Connor was there with him. He'd slept so fully, so completely and deeply for the first time in a very long time,t hat night Connor had held him. He knew that was awkward, that it wasn't reasonable to expect that Connor would want to hold him again, why should he? But maybe if he was there, next to Evan, maybe that would be enough for Evan to sleep.

He only had to get through two more nights. Connor would be back with him Saturday. He felt a little thrill when he realised that was only two days. Less than 48 hours, actually.

"I can't, can't wait. Till you, till you're home, I mean."

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todisappear
2018-01-23 03:50 am UTC (link)

Connor nodded again but this time spoke along with it. "Good," he said, when Evan explained that he would probably get his cast off soon. He was excited for Evan but he also had noticed how attached to the cast his friend was. He hoped that they would be able to keep it mostly intact for Evan's sake. He would be for him regardless but he knew it would help a lot for him to still have that cast close. Knowing the lie he had told—as much as Evan had told him—he knew that it was still a sort of security blanket. He did find it a bit off putting considering it was a reminder of the Connor that Evan had made up in his head, but he also knew that for guys like him and Evan, sometimes it was the stories in their heads that was all that kept them grounded. For Connor, it was the books he read and the music he listened to. For Evan, it was that Connor. He just hoped that Evan would continue to see that he wasn't a bad replacement. Yes, he would fail in ways Evan's Connor never would, but he was real. He was here. And he was willing to be his friend.

He actually smiled when Evan said he couldn't wait until Connor got home. That made him feel so good. Better than he was sure Evan realized. He chewed on his lower lip and messed with the almost completely clear nail. A few moments later, he had all of the nail polish chipped off and scratched at the matterial of his jeans instead.

"I can't wait either," he said. He glanced up at the phone, considering whether he wanted to say more. He decided that if he wanted Evan to see Connor as the real him and to choose him over the made up version in his head he needed to be as open and transparent as he could. Sure, there were certain things he couldn't—wouldn't—tell him, such as his crush on him, but he would share the things that really mattered.

"I'm kind of scared," he admitted. His voice went lower as he continued. "Really scared actually. But I think that's a good thing."

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