InsaneJournal

WHO: Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr
WHAT: An important conversation
WHEN: Recently
WARNINGS: Nah
STATUS: Closed/Completed gdoc



Charles had been thinking a lot about his friendship with Erik. He’d been thinking a lot about a lot of things, and trying to understand the truth behind his feelings. He knew that he’d been deeply hurt when Erik had left him on the beach in Cuba. That pain had not just come from the fact that he’d stolen away his sister, but from the fact that Erik himself had abandoned him. He had found something with Erik that he had never known before; a closeness that he had never since been able to replicate. It’s absence had been a big part of what had sent him into his deep depression.

There was something in him that resonated with what Erik had told him about their past here. He had never considered himself to be interested in men, but he had always been rather open about such things and he was aware that sexuality was not black and white. He had seen enough in people’s minds to know that. And it was not even the sexuality that he craved so desperately, but the intimacy he had lost so long ago.

He had touched Erik’s mind and asked him to come over. He hadn’t yet come to a decision, but he wanted to talk to him now that he wasn’t shocked by the news and at a loss for words; as he had been when they’d spoken before.

***

Erik hadn’t had any easier of a time with it when he’d discovered it the first time. It was why he was patient with Charles while still keeping himself somewhat separate. He couldn’t just be friends with him anymore which meant he kept himself distant but he wasn’t completely out of his life either.

He wasn’t sure what Charles wanted to talk about when

he asked him to come over but he said that he would. Nina was busy with her puppy so she would be all right with the others at the house while he was gone.

***

Charles knew when Erik was outside the door, and told him that it was unlocked. He was sitting in the living room, a book on his lap and an unfinished chess game on the coffee table. He met Erik’s eyes as he came inside and smiled slightly.

“Hello, old friend. Nina seems quite happy with her puppy.” He didn’t need to start a serious conversation instantly, and he did care about Erik’s daughter. “Would you like a drink?”

***

“She’s completely in love with him. I guess we never let her have a pet before. I suppose because we were worried it would be too easy to see what she was doing with them if they lived there all the time.” Erik took the seat across from Charles as he usually did. “A drink would be nice, thank you.” Since he didn’t know what they were going to talk about it was a good idea to have the drink as a possible shock absorber.

***

“Perhaps. I’m guessing you wanted to hide her, in order to keep yourself hidden and all of you safe. It would be difficult to do so if she was walking a dog she was clearly communicating with around town.”

From a nearby cabinet he removed a bottle of scotch and two glasses, pouring them each a bit and taking a long sip of his own before speaking again.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you told me. I haven’t come to any decisions yet, but I want to know more. Some details, I suppose.”

***

“Yes, she has no instinct to hide what she can do so I can’t imagine it was easy to hide what she could do.” Living in the mountains made more sense knowing the situation.

“More details?” Erik took a healthy sip from the Scotch wondering what other details he could supply. Or how detailed. But he would try if it would help. “What do you need to know?”

***

“Which is good, in a way. You raised her to be unafraid, which is how every child should grow up. We only need the world to catch up. But it will, Erik. It will.”

Not fast enough for Nina, but Erik didn’t need to know that part of his future.

“Well, I’ve never really been in a...relationship,” he said, swirling the scotch around in his cup and watching it for a moment. “A one night stand here and there. A summer fling. But nothing beyond the most trivial. I’m guessing this was more than that,”

***

He had even less than Charles at this point in his life. Everything was about his mission to find Shaw, companionship was often something manipulated to get him into where he needed to be. Raven was different when he took her from the beach in some ways because they were more on a partner level but it was still not what he’d had here with Charles.

“It was more than that.” Erik wasn’t sure what he was looking for yet.

***

Charles nodded thoughtfully, finishing his drink and putting the glass back on the table.

“When you left me on the beach the pain was more than just because you left with Raven. That hurt, yes. But losing you hurt more. I’d had a partner, a friend. An equal. And then you left. I was devastated.”

He met Erik’s eyes.

“Losing you like that broke my heart.”

****

“I know.” That day had broken both of their hearts but it took the time and distance to understand exactly how much. “I had always thought I was alone until I met you that day in the water.” When he found out that what he and Charles wanted wasn’t going to work together it had hurt him badly.

“I’ve never had another equal that way since.” Maybe someday when he met Nina’s mother he would feel differently but although Raven was the closest, Erik didn’t let anyone else be on his level. He couldn’t feel safe putting responsibility for himself in anyone’s hands but his own and Charles’ after the camps.

***


Charles understood that feeling, too. Everyone had always looked up to him. He was Raven’s big brother. The Professor. But to very few people was he just Charles, an equal. In truth, Erik was the only one.

“You’re not alone,” he said, echoing his words from years ago. “You never have to be alone again.”

He paused.

“And I don’t know if I can bear to lose you that way again.”

***

He didn’t want to be alone but Erik also didn’t want to have to want more than he was getting either so it was difficult to not just jump at the sentiment. “I’m here Charles and as long as this place allows it I will be here. But life isn’t sure even here.” It was what had made him choose to let go of the last of his reservations and follow his heart before. Going home and knowing it could happen again at any time he couldn’t take any chances.

“I don’t want either of us to lose each other again, but I want to make sure we want the same thing.”

***

“I think that’s what I need to know, Erik. What exactly it is you want of me. I’m afraid I’m not terribly knowledgeable about anything that goes beyond a one-night-stand.”

He knew many things, but relationships were not on that list.

***

“What I want isn’t that different from our friendship. I want to continue to be your friend and equal as we have been.” It was hard to articulate what he wanted from Charles but the easiest part was that it was all built on that close friendship they’d already had.

“I’m not asking to move in together or to give up our own spaces.” They hadn’t done that before, just stayed wherever felt natural at the time. “I want to be close, emotionally and physically but emotionally is the important part.” He wasn’t a naturally touchy-feely sort of person. Erik was too self contained to be demonstrative without thinking about it. A lot of people hadn’t even been aware they were involved before because of it.

He sighed. “I don’t know what all to tell you or how to explain it.”

***

Charles understood the friendship part, and shared that desire without question. He also agreed with keeping his own space. He certainly wouldn’t be ashamed, but he was English enough that he had no desire to be overly demonstrative, either.

The things he didn’t understand were perhaps things that he couldn’t understand. He could ask to see into Erik’s mind, but that would show him the actions of a man that he wasn’t...a man that he couldn’t be anymore. He didn’t wish to know what he and a previous version of himself had done. He wished to know how this version and Erik would do.

“I...I believe that I am willing to try.”

***

“That’s all either of us can do.” They could try. And Erik was patient and willing to take things slowly since that was what had been done for him before. The fact that Charles was willing to try put one of those rare, unrestrained smiles on Erik’s face. “But for today I might

suggest another drink and a game of chess.”

***

“That sounds perfectly lovely,” he replied. Charles smiled more frequently, but the easy one he gave Erik now was not only unrestrained, but truly happy.

He took the bottle and filled both of their glasses.

“It’s a travesty we don’t have access to better alcohol,” he said. “American beer is worthless and tastes like weak piss.” He’d never talk like that in front of his students, of course, which was one reason Erik was so important to him. He didn’t have to be Professor X all the time.

***

“They get some better beers at Lou’s and Verdant.” How they managed to still distribute things into the dome was a mystery but there were enough people that wanted stronger and better tasting things that it had made its way in. “I can arrange to have them sample you some.”

It wasn’t that he went out to drink that often but he did know some of the people and could arrange something.


***

“That would be brilliant,” he nodded. He could use some decent beer. In later years he’d turned to stronger liquors, but he needed to ease back off of those a little. He didn’t want to become again what he had been before Logan had found him.

“I suppose we’ll need to tell Raven that we’re making a go of things.”

He wasn’t looking forward to that particular conversation.

***

Erik would want to tell Clarke that they were making a go of it as well. She was probably his best friend here aside from Charles and had watched him go through all of this and been supportive of him. “She deserves to know. She’s in a position she never thought she’d be in, none of this can be easy on her either” Kurt was a surprise but at least Erik knew that he loved and wanted a child, even if he thought he would never be in a safe enough position to have one, so his showing up wasn’t traumatic or confusing.

***

Kurt was a good boy. Charles was fond of him and had accepted him as family instantly.

“Raven never wanted to pass on her mutation,” he said softly. “She’s always been ashamed. If I had a part in that, I am truly sorry. I never intended it to be that way. I only ever wanted to make things easier on her.”

He paused, setting up the board so that they could play.

“I’m afraid she might still have feelings for you.”

***

“She isn’t ashamed of her mutation anymore but she knows how hard of a life it can be when you can’t hide.” Erik could technically hide what he was but he knew what it was like to be singled out for what you could do after Shaw took him in to experiment on. Being labeled and hated for what you were was a heavy burden.

Erik took a good sized drink of his Scotch before setting it aside to wait for the board to be set up. “We both still have feelings but our relationship wasn’t a love affair.” They had never made promises to each other and although she was closer to being an equal than the others in his camp it wasn’t the same as the level Charles was. “We trust each other. And protect each other.”

***

“That’s what I’d always worried about,” he said softly. “I worried for her, for her sake. I only ever wanted her to be happy.”

Charles could easily hide what he was. He could simply not let his mutation be known, or as a last resort, he could erase the memories of those who had experienced it. It was easy for him; it always had been.

“Should you tell her, or should I?”

He finished setting up the board and steepled his hands in front of him.

“Your move, Erik.”

***

“She couldn’t be happy until she could accept herself. And she couldn’t do that until she learned things for herself.” Charles hadn’t done wrong exactly, it was more he didn’t have the experience and frame of reference to understand what his sister needed. “I will tell her, but then you should talk to her as well.”

Erik smirked slightly as he studied the board before glancing up at Charles. “Letting me make the first move. So that’s how it’s going to go?” It was very obvious that chess wasn’t the subject.

***

“I suppose you’re right. I always loved her, but maybe that love wasn’t enough. Maybe she needed you, and to be away from me.” That saddened him, but it seemed to be the truth. “She will take it better from you, I’m sure. But I will talk to her. She needs to hear it from both of us.”

At his question, Charles’ eyes twinkled a bit mischievously - he certainly hadn’t missed the double meaning.

“It will certainly be a new way to play.” After all, Charles had never been shy when it came to women.

***

He wanted Raven to know that she was still important to both of them even if they were giving this a go. And he wanted to make sure that they both kept her informed, it was the best way to hopefully be a family again the way they’d all been in different ways at different times.

“It’s always good to play in new ways from time to time.” He wasn’t going to start with anything other than flirting over the game tonight but he would make other moves soon. As soon as he felt like Charles was relaxing and ready for them.

***

Charles desperately wanted that family relationship back with Raven, although he feared that this could get in the way of it. Yet it wouldn’t be fair to any of them if he denied his feelings, even as new as they were.

“Yes, it keeps things...interesting.”

Of course, it was nearly impossible that things with Erik wouldn’t be that, and much to his surprise, he felt a shiver of anticipation.

***

“One thing our lives have always been is interesting.” Erik leaned forward enough to move one of the pieces to start the game. Part of taking things slowly was to build the anticipation and make it easier to try things without as much awkwardness as there could be. It made it more fun in the end.

“Your move old friend.”