Pansy Wisteria Parkinson (pugmylife) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2017-01-09 19:59:00 |
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Entry tags: | !closed, !completed gdoc, !log, ~2017 january, ~25 points, ~~pansy parkinson (pugmylife), ~~~neal caffrey (caffreynated) |
WHO: Pansy Parkinson and Neal Caffrey
WHERE: Her place
WHEN: Last week
WHAT: Making up
RATING: PG
STATUS: log; completed
It had been several days since Neal’s encounter with Kate. He and the ghostly present of the once love of his life stayed up during the night talking. He caught her up with everything that had happened in his life, and much to his surprise she was aware of it all. It gave him a sense of peace to know she was watching over him, and really it gave him the closure he needed. Kate’s death had been so sudden when it happened. He had Peter and Elizabeth and Mozzie to help him move on, but in reality he never did. He just buried it deep and little did he realize how much he subconsciously used that as an excuse to never truly settle down. He had fallen in love with other women, sure, but he always let it fall apart. And now things had fallen apart with Pansy. He had blamed it on her. Her walls and reluctance to move things forward with him, but really he used it as an excuse to get out. He could have overlooked it if he wanted to then, but he didn’t. He, too, was reverting into the security of his memories in order to avoid the sort of attachment he had with Kate. He couldn’t bear losing someone in the same way he lost Kate. But Kate’s spirit had urged him to move on. To leave her in the past and to open himself up to love again. Truly this time without fucking it up because of one thing or another. There were no excuses of the FBI or his life of crime here. He was exposed, and the truth was that was a little bit intimidating. But he was going to take that leap, and he found himself at Pansy’s door and knocked easily. No gift in hand - no wine or flowers or candy to win her over. Only what was in his heart, and the truth he had been hiding from everyone including himself. Hopefully she would take it. He didn’t want to start the new year without taking this chance with her. *** After a long day at work - Christmas seemed to bring out the people who both needed wine and hangover cures - Pansy had settled in with a glass of wine when the knock came at the door. For a moment, her heart leapt - no one knocked on her door other than Neal. But Neal was off “taking time” to figure things out, and she’d seen no hide or hair from him since their last interaction. He’d posted on the network and sounded his usual charming self, though - he didn’t seem to have missed her at all. Not like she’d missed him. But he’d asked for time and space, and she was determined to give it to him. She wasn’t desperate enough to beg, and if he never came back...well, she could get over the disappointment. She’d always gotten past it before. So if it wasn’t Neal, who could it be? Pansy set down her wine and picked up her wand, then went to look out the peephole. And immediately took a step back. It was Neal. But what was he here for? Not wanting to get her hopes up, she took a calming breath, then schooled her features into an expression of bland interest and opened the door. “Hallo, Neal.” *** He had been avoiding her but only because he knew it wasn’t fair to be around her while he was figuring things out. He didn’t want to keep her on a hook in the same way he felt that she did. In hindsight he could see how they were alike in the way they guarded themselves, but Pansy at least had the guts to admit it. Neal had been hiding himself from it and didn’t even realize what he was doing until Kate’s visit. He offered up a small grin, almost sheepish, and breathed in deep. “Can I come in?” There was a pause as he waited for her answer. A near deafening silence that seemed to stretch out the moments. “Or we can talk here. I just… well I wanted to talk.” *** It wasn’t like Neal to look so uncertain of himself. He’d always carried himself with such confidence. That was one of the first things she’d noticed about him: that for a Muggle, he was extremely self-assured. And then, of course, she’d stopped thinking of him as just a Muggle - but that sense of self that had always set her off-kilter had always been there. Now, it was replaced by something else: sheepish hope. It was intriguing enough that Pansy stepped aside to let him in. Once, she would’ve teased him about coming to her empty-handed. Now, she wasn’t sure they had that kind of relationship. She wasn’t sure where they were at all. Hopefully this talk would settle things once and for all, without her having to hex anything. “Is this a talk I’m going to want to have a drink in my hand for?” *** Neal crossed the threshold and laughed at her comment. “Well, who can say no to good wine,” he said before he shook his head. “But no, it’s not like that.” It wasn’t a drown-yourself-in-sorrow moment, at least he didn’t think it was. But who was he to judge? He wanted to talk. To air out their grievances and to hopefully explain to Pansy what exactly it was that was on his mind. Neal had never been nervous about talking to anyone, but for some reason there was a small pit in his stomach that was growing. “I’m sorry,” he said when he finally turned to face her. Sometimes it was better to rip off the bandage than to take it slow. “For taking so long. I had a lot of stuff to work through - more than I thought I had.” He raked his fingers through his hair, and glanced at her with those striking eyes of his. “I’ve… I’ve never told you about Kate, have I?” Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to bring up another woman’s name, but the story he had to tell did begin with her so why not? Everything would become clear to Pansy once he started talking; that is if she didn’t throw him out first. *** As one would expect when another woman’s name was brought up in a conversation between two people whose relationship was already very complicated, Pansy’s expression darkened. She didn’t know who this Kate was, and she didn’t care to. But she’d been hurting for so long now, what was one more blow? Maybe she was even beginning to enjoy these sorts of things, in a masochistic way. “No,” she said with obviously false joviality as she summoned her wine to her. Oh yes, she was definitely going to need this. Neal didn’t get any yet, though. He’d have to earn it; that apology was a good start, but not enough given that it wasn’t clear what he was apologizing for, really. It wasn’t the time that was apology-worthy. But she suspected she wouldn’t find out until he’d shared his story. “You haven’t. But do tell me about Kate, Neal. Tell me all about her.” *** Her reaction wasn’t anything surprised. Most women didn’t like it when men brought up other names. He let out a sigh. As he thought of where to start he realized that he hadn’t told Pansy anything about his past. She didn’t know any of the people that had made an impact on his life. Neal pinched the bridge of his nose, as he settled on a chair. He rested his elbows on his knees and looked up at Pansy.. “Kate Moreau. I met her while she was working for a man named Adler. It was…” he smiled at the memory. It was so clear in his mind as if it only happened yesterday. “We fell in love. She was the love of my life. I did anything and everything for her, and one day I fucked up. Tried to con her into doing a job with me, and she didn’t fall for it. I went without her, and when I came back she was gone. I spent years looking for her. Got caught by the FBI because of that. And when we were reunited it was great. Like no time had passed. And then…” Neal swallowed the lump that was in his throat now. “And then she was killed. We were going to leave the country and the plane exploded before I got on.” He looked at Pansy with tears in his eyes. Her death was still hard to talk about, but speaking with her spirit had made it easier. “I never really got over her death, Pansy. I talked a big game. Telling you I was always open to love, but I was just conning myself. I never had closure with Kate. Not until… well… when all the ghosts came to town.” *** Pansy listened in silence, expression impassive. She was good at that: hiding how she felt even when she wanted to scream and rage. She'd had plenty of practice. And she did want to scream and rage. Although Neal had accused her of never talking about herself or her past, he'd kept his own history locked up tight. Sure, she had never asked him about it, wanting to keep things at that casual level, but he'd never volunteered anything either. Even she had mentioned her friends and family in passing. And Draco, of course. The ex who had driven so much of her actions even when she'd vowed to have nothing to do with him again. And now she was hearing about the love of Neal’s life. For the first time. The love who had been tragically ripped away from him, whom he'd never gotten over. No wonder he'd thought her selfish and petty. This Kate person hadn't fallen for his con, had walked away from him. And he'd gone to the ends of the earth to find her. How could Pansy possibly compare? She thought of Draco, and the way his entire face lit up when he talked about Sydney. She saw the tears of grief in Neal’s eyes when he talked about his lost love. And she realized she'd never had that. Maybe she never would. And that was worthy of screaming and raging. Still, she cared enough about Neal and everything they'd shared to be moved by his tears. So instead of kicking him out, she levitated a glass to him and poured some wine for him. He hadn't done anything to deserve it, but he looked like he needed it. “And did you get closure with the long lost love of your life?” *** Neal never talked about his past. It was something he had decided to leave there when he faked his own death. Even then, however, he reached out to Peter because it somehow didn’t feel right to leave his best friend in the dark. He watched Pansy’s face and could see the rage bubbling underneath it all. Okay so mentioning Kate wasn’t a good idea, but he was done keeping secrets. He told Pansy once that he wanted to move things forward with them, and while it was true he also knew that he wasn’t in it 100%. This time he was and she was going to hear the story even if she didn’t want to. He took the glass of wine, but didn’t drink from it. “I did. We talked. I never got the chance to say goodbye to her and seeing her was really good, even if she was a ghost.” Neal’s guilt about surviving the bombing was strong, and he really didn’t feel like he deserved happiness. Not until he had a chance to talk to Kate’s spirit. He didn’t realize how much he had suppressed until that moment. “For a long time I didn’t think I could be happy with anyone. I dated, even thought that I had fallen in love a few times, but I always found an excuse to walk away. Not because they didn’t make me happy, but because I didn’t think I deserved it.” He took a drink of the wine slowly, and then set it down on the table. “I think I did the same with you. Blamed you for pushing me away when it was just easy to see what I wanted to see when you were kissing Draco - that maybe I didn’t deserve it. To have love or you in my life.” *** Pansy listened in silence. No, she didn't want to hear all about Kate and how good it was to see her; she still felt possessive enough about Neal to feel jealousy there. But the rest of his explanation did make sense, and it slotted into place a few pieces she hadn't even known she'd been missing. “Well,” she said with an equanimity that surprised even her, “that helps. This whole time, I’d been wondering what was wrong with you. No one could possibly as perfect as you seemed. Now I see you're just as broken as I am.” She didn't say it as an insult; it was a relief, actually. This put them on much more even footing, emotionally speaking. Pansy understood broken people; she had trouble relating to those without outward flaws. “What are you going to do now?” Revelations aside, he hadn't told her much about what he planned to do. What he'd talked about was his past. She was interested in what he wanted for the future. *** Neal let out a breath, a soft “heh” expelled along with it. “I guess that makes you happy, doesn’t it?” He rose to his feet and looked her straight in the eye. “That I’ve been hurt? That the woman I loved died in a bombing that probably should’ve taken my life as well? I should have died with her that day, but I didn’t. I’m here.” He raised his arms and let them fall to his side. “Well I’m glad that makes you happy. What other hurts can I share with you to make you happy, Pansy?” Neal had half a mind to walk out of the apartment again but he didn’t. “I would have thought what I wanted was obvious. I’m here, aren’t I? With you? Telling you about my past and what I’ve only just now come to realize. I want us to have a future. I want to try to settle down because the only person that has come close to making me feel anything good has been you. But if all you’re going to do is mock the pain I’ve been in then clearly I was wrong.” *** Mock his pain? Somehow, he'd managed to surprise her more than just showing up at all. Pansy was known to mock people, yes - but that was definitely not what she was doing there. Not even close. Wherever had he gotten that impression? She thought back to what she'd said: that he was broken. And then she understood. “Oh, Neal.” She held out her hand in a conciliatory gesture. “I wasn't mocking you. I just meant it all makes sense now. There's nothing wrong with being broken, not to me. It's how you piece yourself back together. I didn't do a very good job on myself; I was full of sharp edges, and you were the poor sod who I cut up with them. You thought you had put yourself back together, but there was a missing piece of you, and it all makes sense now, because I’d always sensed something was missing. No matter what you said about commitment and moving forward, I didn't quite believe it. Maybe a large part of it was my own fear, but it was that missing piece of you too, wasn't it? It died with her on that plane, and you've been grieving it - and her - since.” *** He calmed down with her words and fell back onto the chair. This was exhausting when he felt emotionally drained to begin with. He looked at her and let out a sigh. “Sorry,” he said. Frustration was coming off of him in droves, and for the first time in his life Neal couldn’t think of the right words to say. He had closure with Kate, or at least he felt like it. He got to say goodbye to her, and more importantly he had permission to move on. Was that what he had been missing this entire time? It had to have been since he didn’t think he was deserving of happiness after Kate’s death. Neal stood up and moved close to Pansy. He grabbed her by the shoulders gently and looked down at her. “I’m going to lay out what I want. No pretenses. No games. I want to be with you, Pansy Parkinson. I want to make you happy because despite how frustrating you are you make me happy. I’m sorry if I hurt you, but if you’ll let me I’ll make sure that I never do that again.” That was about as clear as he thought he could make it. Now the ball was in her court. *** “If you hurt me? Of course you hurt me, you ninny. I don’t go about baring my soul to just anyone, you know.” And once she had, he’d asked for time. So yes, it hurt. But he’d taken that time, and now he’d come back, more committed to trying things out. But was Pansy ready to take him back and commit herself in turn? She looked into his intense gaze and felt his steady hands on her shoulders, and she realized that it was there now: that piece of him he'd been holding back and she'd noticed was missing was there now. He was there now. All of him. And she finally allowed herself to reveal the part of her she'd been holding back in turn. “I've missed you,” she said quietly. Her voice was steady, though she wondered if he could hear her heart hammering. She was being open now, and much more honest than she has ever been with anyone else - even with Draco, where she'd made herself what she thought he wanted. Neal wasn't getting a facade; he was getting her, jagged, frustrating edges and all. “I'll give this another go,” she continued, raising her hand to lightly touch his cheek. “Just promise me something. I’ve come to realize something recently myself, you see. I’ve come to realize that all my life, I’ve loved people much, much more than they loved me. I loved my father; I would have done anything for him. I did do anything for him. But when it came down to it, he’d rather escape his own life than stay by his family when everything was taken away. I loved Draco, but he’s never loved me, and he’ll be the first to admit it, now. I can’t do that again: give myself so wholeheartedly to someone who can’t return those depths of feelings. So if we do this, and at any point you find yourself wanting something else, or if you find that you’re not as over Kate as you think you are, you must promise to tell me.” *** “I’ve missed you,” he echoed and pulled her in for an embrace. It was but a moment before she pulled back to look up at him again, hand reaching to his cheek. He could see her vulnerability now, her jagged edges only made her more beautiful to him. How could he have been so foolish as to make her wait? He wasn’t ready then, as much as he hated to admit it, but that didn’t mean he didn’t regret it as looked back. There was nothing he could do except try to make it up to her moving forward. So when she spoke so earnestly to him, outlining her conditions he was more than happy to accept. They were reasonable in the grand scheme of things. If he wasn’t in it wholeheartedly then it wouldn’t be fair to keep her in the relationship. He would never have dreamed of doing such a thing, but he could understand Pansy’s need to say it outright. “I promise,” he said. “But you have to do the same.” He gave her shoulders a light squeeze. “I want us to be honest with one another from here on out.” *** Hugging him was like coming home. Pansy hadn't realized there could be such a feeling until just then. She relaxed against him, and even afterwards she stayed close. He really was committed now, in a way he hadn't been before: she could see it in his eyes and sense it in his conviction. It gave her enough confidence in this venture to nod. “Agreed,” she said, and leaned up to give him a kiss. |