Neal Caffrey (caffreynated) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2016-12-24 21:10:00 |
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Neal’s apartment was quiet. Eerily so as the man sat on his couch looking at the lights that glowed on his Christmas tree. It was one of those nights where he felt like being in silence. No music. No television. Not even the sounds of something cooking on the stove. It was just him and his glass of wine in the solitude of his apartment. He breathed in heavily, mind awash with thoughts about his life in Madison Valley, and what he wanted out of it. He thought he wanted Pansy, but he found that all he had done was compare her to Kate. Hell, he compared every girl to Kate. She was, and probably would always be, the love of his life. And as much as he tried to move on he found that his heart kept going back to that one person. The only problem with that was that she wasn’t even alive anymore. Her death hit him harder than anything in his entire life. He saw her in the plane waiting for him, and then the explosion that followed. She was engulfed in flames within the aircraft and there was nothing Neal could do about it. He avenged her death afterward, but it would never be enough for him. He would always feel that he let Kate down in some way. His thoughts were pervaded with ideas of how he could have saved her; with what could he have done differently that day. And there were times, especially since he arrived in this place, that he wished Kate would show up. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. People that had died in their universe could live here in Madison Valley, and Neal would be lying if he said he hadn’t wished for that to happen with Kate. He let out another sigh, and stood to his feet. Being alone with his thoughts were a little too much now, and he needed music. Neal went over to his record player, and pulled out the 1996 Frank Sinatra album, That’s Life and set it on the player. He settled the needle onto the record, and grinned as the first notes began to play. That's life (that's life) that's what people say You're riding high in April Shot down in May It was appropriate for what he was feeling, and would get him through the rest of night. That and his bottle or two of wine. That was all he needed. *** Kate loved the classics. That was one of the things that drew her to Neal when they met all those years ago in Adler’s office. Of course, at the time, she thought his name was Nick, but that didn’t change his classic good looks or his appreciation for the finer things, like Sinatra and good wine. In the years since her death, she tried to keep an eye on Neal. She loved him even when she was keeping secrets and wanted the best for him. It was hard to silently watch as he made mistake after mistake both professionally and personally. Peter was good for him. So was Sara. But he ended up pushing away everyone who cared and it made Kate sad. This town was an odd choice for him, but she’d been watching him all day and it seemed like he had a real chance to make a good life for himself here, if he would let himself. A small smile played at her lips when he started the record player. Memories of nights spent dancing in their small apartments came to mind and she found herself humming along with the song. *** Playing the record only made Neal think of Kate more. She loved the classics, after all, and when they started running cons together she stuck to those same roots. He missed her, more than he ever admitted to anyone. Not even Peter, the man he considered to be his best friend though he knew that Peter didn’t need to be told. Neal swallowed back the lump that had formed in his throat as the song played. He thought back to the times when he and Kate would be holed up in a barely furnished apartment, dancing on the wooden floors to music he hummed because they couldn’t (yet) afford a radio. He was humming now, swaying slightly to the music and for a moment he remembered how Kate would hum with him. He could hear it so clearly that it sounded like it was right in the room with him. Neal stopped swaying. He even stopped his singing. And despite doing both he could still hear Kate’s voice humming along to the tune. His eyes widened as he took a step back from the record player. There had to have been something wrong with the recording; that had to have been where the sound was coming from. Still, he wondered… “Who’s there,” he said out loud in his apartment. Though he couldn’t see anyone at that moment the hairs on his neck stood on end, and he felt that he wasn’t alone. *** For all the years that Kate watched Neal from beyond the grave, he never seemed to sense her presence so it startled her when he stopped the music and asked who was there. Stepping out of the shadows, she walked towards him, wondering if he would actually be able to see her this time. It had been a while since she checked in on him and she had no idea why he was here - or even where here was - but the idea that she might be able to communicate with him for once was equal parts overwhelming and exciting. “Neal…” *** Neal’s mouth gaped open when he saw Kate emerging from the shadows. He didn’t even think about how she had gotten into his apartment only that she was there, and how happy it made him to see her. Tears started to well in his eyes, and he gulped back the lump in his throat. “K-Kate,” he said in shock. “Oh my god, Kate.” Neal felt that his prayers had been answered, that the Madison Valley gods or whatever it was that controlled who was brought here finally decided to grant him his biggest wish - to be with Kate again. “When did you get here,” he asked as he took a step forward to close the space between them. They had so much to catch up on but Neal was more than prepared to share everything with her. “That… that doesn’t even matter,” he said as he opened his arms to hold onto her. And when he did he was met with nothing. He couldn’t hold onto her. Confused by it all he took a step back just as his brain tried to understand what he was seeing. *** “I… don’t know,” Kate admitted. “I don’t know where here is.” When he moved to hug her, she realized that wherever they were, Neal was somehow under the impression she was still alive. That was mildly concerning. “Neal, what are you… I don’t understand how you can see me this time.” Hopefully he wouldn’t be upset by the fact that she was basically admitting that she’d been keeping an eye on him from the afterlife. *** Neal couldn’t ever be upset with Kate, not seriously anyway. So when she said “this time” he barely registered it in his head. He would come back to it later, but that wasn’t important at that moment. She was there, with him, but she wasn’t at the same time. Neal came to the realization that he was looking at Kate’s ghost, and that she was still dead. It brought back the pain from the explosion, but he bit back the tears that threatened to fall as he looked at her. “This is a place called Madison Valley,” he said to her with sad eyes. “People tell me it’s a pocket universe or something. People from different worlds are brought here for some reason. Without their permission.” He felt he needed to add that last part because if he were given the choice he’d had never chosen this place to live. “I was in Paris prior to this,” he added though he had a feeling that Kate knew. “Weird things happen here…” he let out a sigh and settled onto the chair that he had backed into. “I guess this is one of them.” Neal smiled at her with his last statement to show that he was glad for this bit of oddity. It had been so long since he had been able to talk with her, and he didn’t care at all that she was ghost. Just as long as she was with him. *** Kate hated seeing his eyes welling up, but she understood how difficult it must be for him to see her right now. Or at all. After all these years, he likely made peace with never seeing her again. “I’m sorry you had to leave Peter behind,” she said. It had been strange watching him develop such a close bond with the man who was responsible for putting him behind bars, but even Kate had to admit that Peter and his job with the FBI were good for Neal. “And I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you with the truth about everything that was going on with Fowler and Mentor.” Maybe if she had been more open with him, things would have turned out different. *** It occurred to Neal just then that Kate had been watching him from the afterlife, and that up until that moment he didn’t believe in such a thing. But she had been keeping an eye on him and that somehow made his heart swell. He let out a sigh, and gave her a small shrug. “It had to be done, for everyone’s sake,” he said with regards to Peter. “Things were just getting too complicated.” When she started apologizing for everything that happened with Fowler and Mentor, Neal immediately closed the distance between them and moved to touch her shoulders. He stopped short, however, remembering once again that he couldn’t really touch her. “You don’t need to apologize. I’m just sorry I wasn’t with you in the plane.” It was no secret to anyone that Neal had wished that he had died that day with Kate. Survivor’s guilt was no stranger to Neal, and even now he felt it. He never truly believed that he deserved to be alive when Kate wasn’t. “I can’t believe I can see you,” he finally said with a broad grin. “I just… I’m really happy right now.” *** “Don’t say that,” Kate admonished. She was glad that Neal hadn’t lost his life over her misplaced trust. “I’m glad you weren’t with me. I want you to be happy, Neal.” It had been a long time since she’d seen that grin on his face and it made her smile in return. Whatever brought her here, whatever made it possible for him to actually see and hear her, she was grateful. There was so much she wanted to say. “You need to leave me in the past,” she said. “You had a real chance to be happy with Sara and you blew it. I don’t want to see you do that again.” *** “I would have been happy with you,” Neal retorted. In this life or the next he knew that all he ever wanted was Kate. He’d never be whole with her gone, he knew that now. Deep down despite the way he talked to Pansy about walling himself off he had done the same. It wasn’t conscious, but every person he had been with he compared to Kate, and that stopped him from ever really falling in love. He couldn’t help it. She was the one for him, and would always be. Her next words didn’t really compute to Neal. His brow furrowed, and when Kate mentioned Sara he frowned. “Sara knew I couldn’t really commit to her,” he said after a minute. “Not with my life. With everything that I had to do then.” Peter. The FBI. The fact that he could never really stop committing crimes. He knew he couldn’t give Sara what she wanted, not really. She was better off without him. They all were. “The only mistake I’ve made was thinking I could live without you.” Neal shook his head. “I don’t work without you, Kate.” *** Kate gave him a sad smile, shaking her head. “I love you, Neal, and I always will. But we have no future and you deserve a future. Please don’t waste your life on regrets. That’s not the way either of us lived.” It was hard to see him like this. He was such a passionate, caring person and even though it was painful for Kate to see him with someone else, she knew that it would be selfish not to encourage him to move on. There was something poetic about them meeting through Adler and being torn apart by him. “You need to live without me.” *** Kate was right about that. When they were together they had no regrets. They did everything and anything they could. They lived with nothing and still they were happy. Neal wished that he had that merlot bottle they’d refill with cheap wine as a keepsake. It was one of his favorite memories if he had to choose from all the ones he shared with Kate. “I don’t know if I can,” he said sadly. How could he when she was right there in front of him. She was as beautiful as ever, and still she thought only of his happiness. “I don’t know how. Every time I tried it just… crumbled.” His heart was never really in it because a piece of it had died with Kate. “How do you live without your heart?” He looked at her, eyes wet with tears that glistened in the soft candlelight. “Because that’s what you are. You’re my heart, and you’ve been gone.” *** “I’m always going to be here,” Kate said, reaching her hand up and resting it on his chest even though she knew he wouldn’t be able to feel it. She might not watch him constantly, but she checked in on a pretty regular basis. This was just the first time that he was able to see her in return. “But I want you to try, Neal. Really try.” Because it hurt her heart to see him alone. Neal was a people person and he needed someone to anchor him. Kate hadn’t been a good choice since she was easily convinced to go along with the schemes he and Mozzie concocted. *** His breath caught in his throat when her ghostly hand touched his chest. He didn’t physically feel it, there was no pressure against his skin, but he did feel it. A slight cold that caused the hairs on his neck to rise, but also all of the emotion that was behind it. The tears finally fell from his eyes, travelling down his cheek as he looked at her. “I’ll try… for you,” he said. And he wanted so badly to touch her. To bury his face into her neck and breathe in her scent. She might have thought she wasn’t a good anchor for him, but she was. She made him the person he was, and everything he had done since they met was for her. It made his heart swell to think that they could be together one day in an afterlife he barely believed in until now. “I love you, Kate. I always will.” He reached his hand up to cup the silhouette of her cheek. “Will you stay with me tonight? I just don’t want this to end.” *** Kate’s eyes were watering too. If ghosts could cry, she would be and she automatically inclined her head towards his hand even though she couldn’t feel his touch. “I’ll stay with you as long as I can,” she said. She had no idea what was responsible for her being here, but she had no intention of leaving his side as long as he could see her. This was a chance to say all the things they never got to say and she wasn’t going to waste it. Especially if it meant she could encourage Neal to move on and try to fall in love again. *** |