Who: Natasha and Bucky What: A double haunting Where: The Farm When: Friday (16th) Warnings: Ghosts from a not so pleasant past/mentions of past actions Status: Completed gdoc
Being haunted by the ghosts of her past wasn’t something Natasha hadn’t ever experienced before but actually seeing them standing there in front of her, staring their blank stares and pointing at her accusingly was definitely new. And not something she was handling as well as she’d like.
She made her way over to the farm to see Bucky, he’d been playing Santa for most of December now and she could only hope he’d been left alone by this latest weirdness. Both of them had enough ghosts to fill the town, so she hoped Bucky’s was staying away. Entering the barn where she figured she’d find him she called out his name.
***
Bucky was not doing well with seeing the ghosts of all the people he'd killed. He was haunted by their deaths in his mind, but seeing them right in front of him was difficult to face. It wasn't even just his kills as the Winter Soldier that were haunting him. He also saw the men he'd killed during the war, trying to keep his friends safe. It was a difficult thing to be faced with, so he wasn't getting much sleep at all. He thought being alone would be the best course of action, and purposefully stripped himself of all the weapons he usually carried with him so that he wouldn't accidentally hurt someone.
He needed to be away from people. It would be safer that way, even if all he really wanted to do was curl up with Kara and shut out the outside world. The ghosts weren't real, but the shame was. The feelings of worthlessness. He didn't deserve Kara, or Steve or Molly. He was a monster, and they'd let him forget it. They'd let him think he was worth being around.
The barn at the farm was safe. He'd be okay there. The girl who lived in the loft had gone for the day, something to do with her friend. He didn't care, so long as she wasn't there. Natasha's voice broke through the noise in his head. She wasn't dead. She was real. Alive. He hadn't killed her.
"I'm not safe." A warning and a whimper, all rolled into one.
***
When he spoke Natasha’s heart sunk, it seemed Bucky hadn’t been on the lucky end of this either. With a sigh she moved slowly closer, “Me either” she told him, she’d stripped herself of weapons too. She’d already drawn a knife on one of her students in the middle of a lesson, since then it had seemed a good idea to ensure she didn’t have access to them as easily.
She stopped a decent distance from him and saw he looked as tired as she was, “Who are you seeing?” she asked him, wondering if he had specific figures haunting him or was like her and it was just everybody.
***
"Everyone," he whispered. There was no end to them. The barn was full of those he'd killed, coming in an order with no real rhyme or reason. It was terrifying, but he knew he deserved it. This was his cross to bear.
When Natasha stopped in front of him, the dead turned to women of various ages, from the very young to just barely eighteen. The Red Room. Those who had not made it to graduation. He sighed and hoped she did not see them, too.
"They come and go. From the war, from after. So many faces."
***
“Me too” she told him softly, though so far they had appeared in small numbers from solo to three or four. Here as she looked around and saw the Red Room girls appear she gasped and stumbled a little before kneeling down in front of Bucky and laying her hands over his. “They aren’t real. They aren’t here” she repeated, catching his eyes with her own to shut out the ghosts.
If this was what he had been seeing then Natasha knew her own hauntings were nowhere near as bad. One or two at a time was much easier to handle than to be surrounded by them.
***
"I still killed them. I remember every one." He could barely speak, his throat raw with emotions he couldn't sort through. It was overwhelming and he just wanted it to stop. Sometimes they would come and go a few at a time, but there were other times when he was surrounded by them.
"I know their names. I know how I killed them. I remember." Bucky looked at her, but he wasn't really seeing her. He couldn't even really feel her hands on top of his because he was so disconnected from his body. It was his mind that was causing him all this pain. He was broken, and it was no less than what he deserved.
"I don't want to remember." It was the first time he'd ever said that out loud, and he felt terrible for saying it. Bucky knew it was on him to remember, because someone had to. Someone had to remember all the lives so that they wouldn't be forgotten.
*** “I don’t either but those are our burdens to bear. Our penance to pay. We remember them all, so we remember who we were” Natasha replied, cupping his face in her hands. “We will always remember them but the people we were then are not who we are now”
Natasha had to believe what she was saying otherwise what was the point. Here they had friends, loved ones and a chance at an incredible life, they couldn’t have been given this opportunity for no reason.
*** "I'm not a monster?" It was meant as a statement, something to remind himself that he wasn't the Soldier. The things he'd done in the war had been in the name of protection, of his country, his friends and his Steve. That was different than what he'd done as the Winter Soldier.
It was just hard to remember when he was being haunted so relentlessly. Normally, it wasn't this bad because it was just in his head. She could see them too, the girls. "I'm sorry. They're my fault." He was making it worse for her. Bucky closed his eyes and tried to focus, to calm himself. Maybe that would make the ghosts go away.
*** “You are not a monster” Natasha repeated because it was true. When he’d been serving his country he had done what he’d been told to do to protect people. And as the Winter Soldier, well none of that had been his fault. He’d been brainwashed and none of it had been Bucky’s choice.
“No, they aren’t. I killed these people Bucky, it was my choice. It was never yours” Natasha was the one who should be haunted like this, not Bucky. That was the difference between them, Bucky hadn’t chosen the Winter Soldier life but Natasha had chosen the Black Widow one.
***
Had he been in his right mind, he would have argued with her about the Red Room, about it being her choice. Bucky was too blinded and consumed by his own guilt though, so he accepted her blaming herself without a word. He opened his eyes to look at her, unable to hide the pain, guilt and torment he was feeling.
"~Leave, Natalia~," he said in Russian, a desperate plea. "~Leave me to this Hell and save yourself~." It wasn't unlike what he'd told her as the Winter Soldier, when they'd tried to run away together. Natasha had always been able to reach his humanity, no matter how hard HYDRA had tried to stamp it out. They'd been caught, of course they had, but he'd tried. "~Go~."
***
Natasha’s heart went out to Bucky, he did not deserve even the smallest amount of pain or guilt he was obviously feeling. Confronted by the sins committed as the Winter Soldier was too much for the kinder soul he had.
“~I will not leave you. We are in this together~” she replied, sliding back into her first language like she had never stopped. “~If you are to face hell then it will not be alone~” she wouldn’t leave him to it and let the ghosts of their joint past haunt him.
*** He accepted her decision, even though he wanted to protect her from it. Bucky had thought being alone would be better, but at least the ghosts weren't just for him, as terrible as that made it. He dealt with this guilt on a daily basis, but his relationships with Steve, Molly, Kara, and Natasha helped him balance it out so that it never consumed him like it had when he'd first woken up.
These ghosts were worse, more amplified and they were plaguing his dreams to the point where he didn't even bother sleeping because it wasn't worth the torment. It didn't get better when he tried to sleep. He kept his hands in hers and just tried to focus on her instead of on the ghosts. He didn't think it would make them go away, but Bucky hoped it would help.
"~I'm sorry~," he repeated, barely a whisper, over and over again.
***
Helping Bucky focus on her and making sure he was okay helped distract Natasha from the ghosts, she could feel their eyes on her but she couldn’t afford to let them disturb her right now. Having Bucky to concentrate on was definitely a good thing right then, for her at least.
She kept hold of his hands and leaned her forehead against his, “~It’s okay. It’ll be okay.~” She had no guarantee that it would of course but she was hoping that it wouldn’t last long. Like most of the weird things that happened in the town. ~”We’ll get through this. I’m here~”
***
It helped to be grounded to the real world, to have a tether that kept him from getting too far into his own head. He should've known that going off on his own wasn't helpful, but Bucky had been - and still was - afraid that he would accidentally hurt someone because of the ghosts. Finding that balance was hard, but he had been trying desperately to not bother Steve with this. If he was going to move to his own room by Christmas, he needed to get his shit together.
Eventually, his whispered apologies slowed and stopped all together. He just didn't have any energy left. Bucky lifted his gaze up to look at her and he knew he looked even worse than he had before. "You should be with Banner. And the kid. I'm okay." He wasn't, but he could try.
*** Natasha understood the fear, it honestly made sense to have a little caution considering the conditioning he’d been through. But there were people he could be around who could help and who knew how to handle themselves. Like herself and Steve especially.
She put a hand on his cheek, “Bruce would want me to help you. And Cassie will be fine. I’m currently needed by my friend and I’m not leaving him to face this kind of thing alone. We’ve faced all kinds of things together, we can face this together too”
***
Bucky still felt like an asshole, taking her away from her family just because his head wasn't screwed on straight. He could only push so much though, and having something else to focus on aside from the ghosts really helped. It was just shitty that they had to deal with any of this at all, but the sheer number of ghosts they had between the two of them was more than they'd ever be able to make up for.
They were going to hell, if such a place even existed, and it would still be too good for them. "He's a good guy." Like Steve. Better than they deserved, that was for sure.
*** “He’s the best. And I’m hanging onto him” Natasha agreed, Bruce was definitely more than she deserved but she wasn’t giving him up now.
It was shitty that this had hit them both but they would deal with it as they would anything else that came along. At least they each had support. That was perhaps the one silver lining about the situation.