WHO Kara Danvers & Bucky Barnes WHAT Ghosties WHEN Saturday evening WHERE Kara's place WARNINGS talk of violence, murder and death STATUS Closed | Completed Gdoc
Bucky knew he was in bad shape. He'd been haunted by so many, but this was worse. Howard and Maria Stark. The shame he felt was threatening to overwhelm him and he knew he needed someone to remind him that he wasn't the Winter Soldier any more. He was good and kind and loved. His feet knew where to take him because he couldn't focus on anything other than the people walking by. Even though many of them weren't ghosts, it was still haunting. His mind was so preoccupied that he didn't even realize he wasn't in the house until he walked in to find a different arrangement of furniture.
"Kara?" He'd gone to Kara. Not Steve. Had he picked the lock? A glance at the door told him that he had. Bucky knew he looked like shit and that he felt a hell of a lot worse. She shouldn't have to deal with him, but he wanted her. The ghosts weren't here. He took the first deep breath he'd taken since the first ghosts appeared, but it was still too much.
Bucky dropped to his knees and put his head in his hands, right there in the hallway, not three steps from her now closed door. "I just want it to stop."
***
Alex had a key for Kara’s apartment in case of an emergency, but it was rare for her sister to let herself in, so when she heard someone fumbling with the lock, she was immediately on guard until she realized that it was Bucky letting himself in. Which was weird enough on its own, but as soon as she actually took the time to look at him, it was obvious that something was wrong.
She was already walking towards him when he hit the ground and grabbed his head. Even though she didn’t have any otherworldly visitors, Kara knew what was going on around town and it was easy enough to deduce that her boyfriend was being haunted.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, sitting down next to him and wrapping her arms around him .”I wish I could make it stop.”
***
Bucky leaned into her embrace the moment her arms were wrapped around him, seeking the comfort she was so willing to provide. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He whispered it over and over again, his eyes screwed shut so that he wouldn't start crying all over her, despite the fact that it was all he wanted to do. Bucky was too afraid to open his eyes, to see more of the dead staring back at him. His voice was rough and worn, from screaming and crying to get away from it all.
"It's my fault. I killed all of them." Whether it was from the war or during his time as the Winter Soldier, he had killed all of those people. He deserved this. His time in Madison Valley had just been too good to last. Bucky unfurled just enough to wrap his arms around her waist to pull her close.
"Tell me I'm not a monster. Please. I need-" He needed to know that she didn't think of him as a monster, that she didn't hate him for what he'd done in the past.
***
They would probably be more comfortable if they moved to the sofa, but for the moment, Kara was content to stay on the floor and let Bucky pull her closer. “You’re not a monster,” she said. “You didn’t hurt those people because you wanted to. You did it because you were forced to. It’s not your fault.”
She wasn’t sure if he would actually believe her, but she would be happy to say it over and over again as long as he needed to hear it. The things he did as the Winter Soldier were terrible, but Kara would never hold them against him since he was brainwashed and not acting on his own. The Bucky she knew and loved cared for was kind and gentle and if she ever had the chance to meet the people who put him through hell, she wouldn’t hesitate to punch them in the face.
“You’re not a monster,” she repeated. “You’re a good man.”
***
He let her voice wash over him. She could clear his head of this, not immediately by any means, but just enough to take the edge off. To stop him from trying to find a more permanent way of ending the ghosts. Bucky didn't move for a few long minutes as he tried to focus on being in the moment with Kara. Finally, he was calm enough to realize that they were awkwardly kneeling on her hallway floor.
"I want to be," Bucky admitted, pulling back to look at her. If he focused on her, he could ignore anything in the shadows that might have been another ghost to haunt him. "I want to be a good man for you, Kara." She made him want to be better, to be worth her time and attention. He risked a glance around and found the apartment blissfully empty. He sighed in relief and dropped his forehead against her shoulder for a brief moment to collect himself.
"Can we just sit together for a while?" he asked when he lifted his head.
***
“Of course,” she agreed, stealing a quick kiss before getting to her feet and hauling him up with her strength. Normally when they were together, Kara downplayed her abilities, but she figured it was easier if she just carried him to the sofa. Especially since she could do it quickly.
Once there, she set him down and curled up next to him, tucking her feet underneath her. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked. “Or do you want to talk about something else as a distraction?”
***
It felt nice, being taken care of like that. He'd always been the one to do the caring, to look after Steve and then Molly, and to an extent, Kara. It was different with her, but the fact that she could handle him served as a reminder that she wasn't just strong in spirit. A distant part of his mind not focused on the mental torture whispered that it wouldn't mind seeing more of her strength and abilities.
"I keep seeing all of them. It started out as nightmares but now it's- constant." He owed her an explanation. "Sometimes it's just one or two at a time, but others...it's dozens. Hundreds. All at once." The Red Room, bombing, plane crashes. To hide HYDRA's true purpose, he had sometimes killed many to hide the key few that were his targets.
"This is the first time it's been quiet since Thursday." Bucky had wrapped his arms around her and rested his head on hers, needing her warmth. He was cold - he'd been outside without a jacket or any really protection from the biting chill - and that hadn't helped anything.
***
Kara could tell he was cold and she grabbed the afghan from the back of her sofa and covered him with it before wrapping her arms around him in an effort to share body heat. There really wasn’t anything she could say to ease his mental anguish. The idea of seeing the faces of the people he killed was horrifying given how long he was mind controlled and forced to the dirty work of evil forces.
“You can stay here as long as you need to,” she said. If being with her kept the ghosts at bay, then she had no problem keeping him close.
***
"Thank you," he replied, grateful for the warmth from the afghan and from her, and for the offer to stay for as long as he needed to. "I haven't slept since Thursday morning," Bucky admitted. Kara was too calm for him to believe that she was being haunted by the ghosts of her past and he was grateful for it. He'd been too afraid to sleep after the first few apparitions, but then they got progressively worse and he hadn't even bothered.
"You're okay? Alex, J'onn, Barry?" He remembered her friends, her people. This haunting wasn't something he'd wish on anyone.
***
“I’m fine,” she assured him. “And as far as I know, none of them are affected by this.” If they were, they hadn’t said anything to her which meant she could focus her attention on him and what he needed from her.
Hearing that he hadn’t slept for a few days was troubling and Kara frowned a little, snuggling him closer. “Do you want to stay here tonight?” she offered. Maybe having her around would let him relax enough to get a little bit of rest. Sure, she knew that he could survive without it longer than most people, but it was hardly the ideal situation.
***
"Good." He didn't want to take her away from her friends, no matter how badly he needed her. Bucky wasn't going to think too hard on the fact that his feet had brought him to her instead of to Steve. He just wasn't in the right frame of mind, even though he knew exactly what it meant. The offer to stay the night was unexpected but it was also an overwhelming relief to hear.
"Yes," Bucky replied. "If you're sure. Even if it is just to sleep, it's a big step." One they hadn't taken yet, and if he did happen to have a nightmare, it would mean less sleep for her. "An' I'm a bit like an octopus." He held on tight all night, wrapping himself around Steve to keep him close and to feel his heartbeat. Old habits and all.
***
The fact that it was a big step didn’t even occur to Kara until Bucky said it. She realized that he was right, but it also seemed like now was the time to take that step. There was no way they would move forward with their physical relationship in a situation like this, but sharing a bed just to sleep was somehow a little more intimate. Still, Kara was sure and she nodded.
“I’m sure,” she said. “And I think I can handle that.” The idea of waking up together was nice.
***
Kara somehow managed to surprise him every so often and this was one of those times. The nightmares weren't pretty, but at least he wasn't armed. He'd left all his weapons back at the house, as soon as it all had started.
"Okay," he replied, before he pressed a kiss against her forehead. "You're amazing, you know." Bucky was lucky to have her in his life. "Thank you." He wanted her to know that he appreciated her, that he wasn't taking her for granted. She was one of the most important people in his life, but he was a little out of practice with telling someone that. "Guess that means I get to deliver your present tomorrow morning in person." Her gift today had been a monogrammed heart locket, with the House of El sigil engraved on it. That had been delivered earlier in the day, since he hadn't been around to break in and leave it for her. Contingency plans were important, considering people could disappear from this place without warning.
***
“You’re spoiling me, you know,” she said. The locket this morning was such a touching gift that it almost made her cry for missing her parents. In some ways, Kara wished that whatever was happening would allow her to see them again, but she was grateful at this particular moment that she wasn’t distracted from being able to offer Bucky the support he needed. “Thank you for the locket, by the way.”
She leaned over and pressed a brief kiss to his lips. Maybe she would get an idea of what she could buy him if he stayed the night since she still had no clue what to get him.
***
"Only exactly as much as you deserve," Bucky countered with a small smile. He was glad that she liked it, along with her other gifts. "You're welcome." He returned the kiss, however brief it was, but he didn't chase her for more like he usually did. The hauntings were really screwing with his head, but they were lucky. Someone could have haunted him that knew the words to trigger him and for that, he was grateful.
He couldn't help but glance around the room, just to make sure that there weren't any ghosts. "It's so quiet here. Peaceful." Kara was like some kind of safe haven, protecting him from the past. Usually, he could handle them without too many issues, could fake it through a particularly rough day, but this was so much worse. "I saw two people I killed. The Soldier killed. A man and his wife. I knew him, before the fall. He helped make Steve. He recognized me but it didn't matter. He couldn't break through the conditioning, not like Steve could. They could erase everything else, but they could never quite get rid of Steve." Bucky shifted and held onto her more tightly.
"I killed them, and before I got here, their son found out. He- Steve gave up the shield for me. We're fugitives in our world now."
***
Kara knew that there was a strong bond between Steve and Bucky, but hearing that he gave up the shield for his friend raised Steve even higher in her estimation. The fact that they were fugitives in their world didn’t bother her one bit though. Sometimes the right thing wasn’t the easy thing and a lot of people wouldn’t understand why you had to do something they might consider questionable.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s terrible that they made you kill people you knew.” It was like when she was under the effects of the red kryptonite and tried to hurt the people she cared about. Not that hurting anyone was easy, but if it was strangers, it was a little easier to forgive yourself.
***
"He shouldn't have been trying to recreate the serum," he muttered. "I stole it and killed them. December 16. Yesterday. HYDRA made five other Winter Soldiers, but they were worse. They signed up for it." They had been more ruthless, not to mention stronger and faster. Howard Stark was a hell of a lot smarter on his worst day than Arnim Zola on his best.
"I don't blame Stark for it. But he never should'a gone after Stevie. His problem was with me." Steve had just tried to give him a chance to escape, tried to reason with the supposed genius. Emotions clouded everything, made it hard to see the facts. It happened to him, now that he had Molly and Kara, and now that he could care about his friends more openly. "I'd kill anyone who laid a hand on you."
***
“I can protect myself,” Kara reminded him though she appreciated the fact that he wanted to keep her safe. “But I would do anything to keep you safe too.” Well, anything within reason. She would rather not go the death route if she could possibly avoid it.
She shifted so she could rest her head against his shoulder. “Want me to put on a movie or something?”
***
"I know." It wasn't something he thought about often, because she rarely displayed any of her enhanced skills around him, but he did know that she could take care of herself. Bucky also knew she'd never set out trying to kill someone. He understood that there were some threats that had to be eliminated. Hell, he was a threat, but until the others believed he was a threat, nothing would be done about it.
"A movie sounds good. How about one of the Die Hard movies? I'll tell you what I would've done in his place." It would make for a good distraction, and it would keep him awake a little while longer.
***
Kara got up to put the DVD in, but returned as quickly as possible to Bucky’s side, resuming her position with her head against his shoulder and her feet tucked up under hear. Despite the reasons he ended up here, she was glad that he was here and that she was able to provide some measure of comfort for him.