Clary Fray (angel_blood) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2016-11-21 06:49:00 |
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Entry tags: | !closed, !completed gdoc, !log, ~2016 november, ~25 points, ~~clary fray (angel_blood), ~~~jace herondale (hatesbergamot) |
WHO: Jace Herondale and Clary Fray
WHAT: Discussions of various kinds
WHEN: Nov 21
WHERE: Their home
WARNINGS: PG
STATUS:: Closed/Completed Gdoc
Getting his memories back had been good for Jace. Sure, it had been a little overpowering at first, to suddenly receive several years of memories - busy years at that. But they’d left him feeling, well, happy for the first time in a very long time. Maybe even truly happy for the first time in his life.
Clary had given him that.
For so many years, he’d been convinced that love was a bad thing, that it was a weakness that had to be fought. He’d been taught that love would destroy him and the person he loved. It had all been lies. Love had made him stronger than he’d ever been. It had given him something to fight for, a reason for the fighting other than his own self-destructive obsession. It had given him a reason to live, as well as a reason to die. And he’d never had that before, something to live for.
It was fairly late, and he and Clary had gone to bed several hours ago. Despite the fact that he was tired, Jace was still awake, staring at the ceiling thoughtfully. Clary was cuddled against him, and he felt safe because of that, safer than he’d ever felt before. His thoughts were all over the place, but mostly he couldn’t stop thinking how lucky he was to have found her.
Thinking her asleep, he bent down and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.
***
But Clary was only half asleep; she was caught in that cozy place between dreams and wakefulness, surrounded by peace and comfort. It was a feeling she hadn’t had ever since finding out her mother wasn’t who she seemed...until she’d met Jace. Until she’d been able to be with Jace.
It seemed that fate kept trying to tear them apart, between Valentine’s lies, Sebastian’s schemes, and the dome’s shenanigans. But no matter what, she knew she was going to always fight for him. For them. They were too good together to give up.
When he kissed her, she smiled, pulled out of her sleepy hazy, and looked up at him. “Hey.”
***
“Hey,” he replied, echoing her tone. His face was gentle, relaxed as it only was for her. Finding Clary had given Jace that safe place where he could let his feelings and emotions free, where he didn’t have to be strong all the time. It was a place he’d never had, not even as a child, and he cherished it.
Jace knew that he needed the security and stability that he got from Clary as much as Clary needed the wildness that she got from him. They were a good pair; complemented each other perfectly. And they’d been through so much together that their bonds had been forged in fire and pain. That was hard to break. But Jace also felt that even if they hadn’t been through what they’d been through, they would have found their way together. They were puzzle pieces that didn’t fit together with any others.
He brushed a strand of red hair away from her face and kissed the soft skin underneath, his kisses moving slowly and languidly down her jaw to her neck.
“So I wonder what Madison Valley is going to do to us next.”
***
At the moment, Clary wasn’t as curious about what Madison Valley was going to do to them next as she was about Jace was going to do to her next. She shivered under his kisses, tipping her head back to give him better access to her neck. She slid her hands over her arms, revelling in being able to touch his lean, hard muscles and the spidery scars left by his Runes. Just a few weeks ago, she wouldn’t have been able to do that. He hadn’t known her, and he wouldn’t have let her touch him like that.
“I have to say,” she murmured, teasing, “I kind of liked those nursing skills you had for a few days.”
***
Jace’s golden eyes narrowed a bit. He hadn’t particularly liked those skills at all. He hadn’t liked losing what made him who he was, first of all, and second of all, nursing? He wasn’t a healer. He didn’t do the laying of hands shit, or whatever it was nurses were supposed to do. And he definitely didn’t have the bedside manner. So he gave Clary a stern look (that was somehow still full of love), and returned to kissing her.
“What did you get?” He should have known that, but he’d been too busy feeling sorry for himself..
***
Clary had expected as much. She herself had felt the loss of her powers like the loss of a limb - and she had only had them for a couple of years. She couldn’t imagine how Jace would feel, given how he defined himself as a Shadowhunter and took pride in it. All his life, it had been what he was.
“Some kind of magic,” she said, a little distractedly. His lips were doing some very nice things to the hollow of her neck. “I had no idea how to use it, though. It might’ve been helpful if we’d been able to talk to people to find out whose powers we had, so they could help us. At least I found the person who had yours.”
***
Jace was very much enjoying being distracting and he wasn’t about to stop. He loved that she was obviously enjoying it, and he loved the salty sweet taste of her skin. When it got to where talking was too hard, they could just stop talking.
“I wonder what Madison Valley was trying to prove,” he said, a bit absently himself. “I don’t like the idea that it has such control over things like our abilities.”
***
“I know. I hate the feeling of not being in control,” Clary agreed.”At least back home, no matter how bad it got, we had the ability to fight against it. Here, it’s just -” She bit back a small gasp when his lips found a particularly sensitive spot. It was definitely getting harder to talk, and if he hadn’t already worn her out earlier that night, she probably would’ve stopped the talking right then and there.
As it were, she just drew his head up to kiss him, long and sweet. “No matter what happens,” she said afterwards, “I just want you to know I love you. Always. Even if Madison makes me forget, or if it makes me think there’s someone else, it won’t ever be real. It’s just you.”
***
Madison Valley did things like that. It liked to mess with your mind, and Jace didn’t like that at all. He could fight. He could physically defeat pretty much anything he wanted to. But when things messed with his mind he lost control over everything. It terrified him, that this place could do things like that whenever it wanted to.
“Yeah,” he said, after returning her kiss. “I know.” And he did know that she loved him. It was one of the things in his life he could count on. “But I’d rather not have to face that, if you don’t mind.”
***
“Definitely not in my plans,” Clary assured him. But that was the thing, wasn’t it? Madison Valley did what it would, whenever it would. You could make all the plans you want, but there didn’t seem to be any way to stop it from happening. Clary wasn’t a huge planner, but it already irked her. She couldn’t imagine how much it’d drive anyone who liked plans and was really anal retentive about them crazy.
“I wonder if there’s anything we can do to help ourselves,” she said thoughtfully. “It’s clear we can’t stop anything from happening. But...I don’t know. When you came back and didn’t know me, what might’ve helped you?”
***
Jace shook his head after a moment. “I don’t really think that there was anything that could have helped me,” he said honestly. “I didn’t remember you. It annoyed me, to know that other people knew things that I didn’t. I didn’t know whether to believe them or not.”
He stopped, sitting up a little.
“What if everyone made a video recording of themselves, for any future versions that might not remember?”
***
Clary tilted her head, considering. That was probably a good idea: it was one thing for someone to tell people something, and quite another for their own selves to do it. Still, Jace was the cynical sort; she didn’t know if even that would work for him.
“Would you have believed it if you saw yourself talking about your life here?” she asked. “Or would you have just dismissed it as a downworlder trick?”
***
It was a good point. Hearing himself explain the place in his own words would have been nice, but he probably would have just considered it some sort of trick. There were too many shapeshifting demons and other creatures that could mimic someone’s appearance to trust in something like that. Not to mention the much more tedious way of simply editing film.
“I’d have dismissed it,” he said honestly. Well, there was one idea down the drain. “Maybe you could make a rune that could help us remember.”
***
“I tried so hard those first few days,” she said, shaking her head. “I thought if I could just...find a rune that would help you remember, everything would be okay again. But I couldn't.”
She rested her head against his chest, needing to feel his presence as she remembered those difficult few months.
“Your idea could still work,” she said after a few minutes. “Maybe if we include videos,” she said. “You know, of us doing stuff. Living our lives here. It still might be dismissed as a trick, but I know that if I came back and forgot everything and saw me being happy with you...I’d want it back.”
***
“Videos of us living our lives here? You mean, like some reality show?” He looked skeptical, although he was fairly certain that she meant something very different than that. “It might work,” he finally conceded.
“You know, maybe you couldn’t come up with a rune that would bring memories back, but maybe you could come up with one that would keep them from disappearing in the first place.”
***
“No, like a photo album - but video,” Clary explained. Maybe seeing moments from a life here might help whoever came back without memories of Madison. “It would be more transferable than Runes. No one else but Shadowhunters can accept them, and I know there are people here who’d want to remember if they ever came back.
***
In truth, Jace hadn’t really been thinking of anyone other than Shadowhunters. Most specifically, himself. But he supposed that she was right. If they were going to help the Mundanes and Downworlders too (which he knew that Clary would want to do) they would have to choose something other than a rune.
“Sure, I mean, it would be hard to test it, but it might work?”
***
“It's worth a try,” Clary said thoughtfully. “At worst, it doesn’t work. But if it does work? It could save months of misery.”
Like the ones she’d gone through. Jace was a special case, though; he likely wouldn’t be swayed by videos. But they would’ve gotten him thinking, and maybe...maybe he would’ve grown to love her even without her memories. Or maybe not.
Her gaze clouded over.
“I’m glad you got your memories back,” she said, bending her head to press a light kiss on his shoulder. “I might’ve lost you forever.”
She’d voiced that fear before to him: that without the danger and experiences that had drawn them together, he might have never fallen in love with her. And he’d never actually assured her otherwise.
***
Jace had purposely avoided that conversation. How could he know if he would have come to love her, even without their history, without the memories of the things they’d been through together. How could he know? He couldn’t, and he didn’t want to give her false promises.
“You didn’t lose me,” he said instead. “I’m right here. And we’re fated to be together. Not even Madison Valley wanted to tear us apart, in the end.”
He knew she wouldn’t be content with that, but he didn’t want to tell her something that he didn’t know for sure was the truth.
***
He was avoiding it again, and it made Clary want to scream. It had been hard when he hadn’t known who she was or what they meant to each other. As much of a romantic as Clary could be when it came to Jace, she wasn’t so caught up in it that she believed that they would’ve found their way to each other no matter what, that they actually were fated to be together. It only made her realize how unique their situation was. And if it couldn’t be replicated? Maybe there would come a day when Jace would forget her again, and this time he wouldn’t get his memories back.
No longer in such a romantic mood, she pushed herself up and slid off the bed.
“I’m going to get a glass of water,” she said. “Do you want anything?”
***
Jace sat up and sighed a bit, running a hand over his face.
“Why does it matter?” He asked her. “Why does it matter if I would have fallen in love with you without our history? We have our history. It’s what made us who we are. And just because I love you because of the things we’ve been through together doesn’t make me love you less.”
He just didn’t want to assure her of something he could never be sure of himself.
***
Clary stopped at the door and turned to face him in frustration. He didn’t get it. But how could he? He always had girls throwing themselves at him. And despite what he’d been taught about love, he was self-assured and confident. How could she expect him to understand her insecurities?
“Because, Jace, this place can bring you back again without our history, and then what? We do this all over again? What if you had never remember? I’ll just be that girl who loves you and is sad that you don’t love her, and you...you could very well fall in love with someone else.”
***
“And tomorrow a demon could appear and kill me.” He shrugged. “We can’t live like that, Clary. We can’t live always worrying about what could happen. If I did that...well, I certainly wouldn’t be the Shadowhunter I am. Sometimes you’ve just got to grab life by the neck and do the best you can with what you’ve got.”
He sighed.
“Do I think I’d love you anyway? Probably. But how could I know for sure? How can I assure you of something that I don’t know the answer to?”
***
“You can’t even tell me why you love me now,” Clary said softly. “Not without making a joke out of it. I know you can’t guarantee that you’d love me even if you didn’t know me. But when you can’t even say why you love me when you do know me, then it doesn’t really bode well for any other situation, does it?”
***
Jace got out of bed and went to her, putting his hands on her shoulders as he looked down at her. He hated this conversation so much, hated that she felt she had a reason to question what he felt for her. Truth was, while he had accepted that he could feel love, it wasn’t entirely easy for him to talk about it. But he would try now, for her sake.
“Clary, I love you because you’re strong. Because you’re smart. Because you stand up for the people you care about and for what you believe in. Because you don’t give up on the people you love, no matter how much they deserve it. I love you because you’ve given me the strength to really believe in myself. I love you because you feel like the piece of me I’ve always been missing, and when you’re close, I feel whole.”
He stopped and looked at her, brushing a stray strand of hair from her face.
“How can you not know all of that?”
***
Clary didn’t know all of that because she’d always thought herself as entirely ordinary. She’d been an ordinary girl with an ordinary life, and even after she’d been introduced to the Shadow world, she’d been the newbie who was coming in with years of training to make up for. And she’d never really understood why Jace, who was more than extraordinary, could love her.
When he’d come back with no idea of who she was, she’d worried that without everything that had forced them together back home, he wouldn’t have any interest in her. Or even notice her, if she hadn’t put herself in his way and told him who she was. Why would he?
But now, as she gazed up at him to see the love and sincerity shining in her eyes, she realized that the better question wasn’t why would he love her even not knowing who she was, but why wouldn’t he? Because he was right: they were the missing parts of each other; they made each other whole.
“I know it now,” she said, stepping forward to wrap her arms around him tightly. She was in no hurry to let go. “Thank you. I needed to hear that.”
***