Neal Caffrey (caffreynated) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2016-10-21 15:36:00 |
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There was an odd sense of anxiety that was pitted in Neal’s stomach. It was a rare feeling. He was always cool and collected even during some of his high intensity jobs. But this was different. He was taking his relationship with Pansy a step further. Things had been going well between them. There were constant dates and sleepovers, and they were happy together. At least he thought she was happy. She was certainly smiling a lot more than usual. Neal had invited Pansy over for dinner. He was preparing her favorite dish, and had wine at the ready. There were candles and soft music playing. He thought that at the end of the night they could cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie. Maybe it was cheesy, but he was a romantic at heart and he thought that Pansy was getting more comfortable with his nuances. He waited patiently in the kitchen, prepping the rest of the ingredients so he could throw them together when Pansy arrived. He took a deep breath, and patted the box that was sitting quietly in his trouser pocket. *** Pansy arrived right on time. She tended to be a punctual person, even if it wasn’t fashionable to be so, and when she wanted to be somewhere, there was even more of an incentive for it. And she did want to be at Neal’s. Spending time with him was the highlight of her day. He was clever and funny and always treated her amazingly well, to the point where she couldn’t believe she’d put up with Draco’s self-centred demands for so long. It was because she’d been so deeply, blindly in love with him. She’d twisted everything he’d said and done to fit with what she thought he should be saying, and she found justifications for any treatment of her that might not have been as respectful as she’d deserved. She knew better now, though. She wasn’t going to go down that rabbit hole with anyone ever again. She could enjoy her time with Neal - greatly - but as long as she could keep her heart secured and remember that he could disappear at any time, as he had a few months ago, she would be all right. In the meantime, she would definitely accept what he had to offer. She knocked on the door at precisely 6 pm, and she gave him a hug and a kiss when he opened the door. “I am so glad to be here,” she told him when she pulled back. “What a terrible day of drudgery this has been.” *** He smiled warmly when she arrived, and when she hugged and kissed he gladly returned the gesture. He opened the door to let her in, and as she passed him he smacked her on her rear playfully and then closed the door. “A terrible day of drudgery deserves a glass of wine,” he said to her as he poured her a glass. He handed it to her, and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead. “What’s made it so terrible,” he asked with genuine concern before he moved to finish the prep work he had started. Neal didn’t have much to offer about his own day. He had spent the majority of it at the art shop, and then shopping for tonight’s dinner and getting the key to his place copied. That’s what laid within the box in his trousers - a second key to his apartment for Pansy. It was a small gesture of what he hoped for their relationship. A little more trust and a lot more time together. It wasn’t as far as moving in, mind you, but it was close enough. It was his way of saying that he wanted her around more and that he trusted her. Besides, it wasn’t like he was asking her to marry him. It was only a key, and surely she wouldn’t turn it down. *** “I had to deal with an utter philistine of a man who thought he knew more about wine than I did,” Pansy said, rolling her eyes. “He kept interrupting me when I was trying to tell him what vintage he ought to purchase for his little dinner party, telling me things about the label I already knew. I wanted so badly to hex him, but I valiantly refrained.” She gave him a very proud look over the rim of her glass. “It was quite the accomplishment,” she told him, “and I really think I ought to have received more of a reward for not turning him into a toad than just a commission for the sale.” *** Neal chuckled under his breath, and shook his head. “How dare he,” he said with a grin. He knew Pansy was a proud woman, and any slight to her character or her knowledge was an insult. Still, he didn’t agree with men interrupting women when they were speaking and he definitely didn’t agree with asking for advice and then never taking it. The man that Pansy encountered sounded like someone he wouldn’t have liked at all. “You did very good, dear,” he said as he pushed some stray hair behind her ear. “You do deserve more than commission. You deserve excellent wine, well cooked food, and this….” Neal reached into his pocket and pulled out the small box. He just couldn’t wait any longer to give it to her, and it sounded as if she needed a pick me up. He hoped that this would cheer her up. *** “Oh, what is it?” Pansy eagerly reached for the box. It must be jewelry. She loved jewelry. The shape of the box was too small for a necklace and too large for a ring, so it must be a bracelet. Pansy didn't usually wear bracelets, but she would make an exception for this one. It was still jewelry, and Neal had excellent taste. It ought to be good. And while it may be soppy, she liked the idea of wearing something of his. It would definitely be a nice reward for her good behavior today. She took the box from him, smiling in anticipation - but when she opened it, her face fell. “What is this?”she asked, confused. *** She was probably expecting jewelry. He should have known she would. Maybe he shouldn’t have put the key in such a box, but he couldn’t take it back now. It was opened and she saw it, and despite her initial disappointment Neal thought that she would at the very least be happy with the gesture. He smiled at her, and took a step toward her. “This,” he said as he picked up the key with this thumb and forefinger. “Is a key to my apartment.” Neal was beaming now. “I know… I know… you thought it was jewelry and I promise you that I will buy you jewelry, but…” and he paused for a moment here to take her by the hand and placed the key gently in her palm. “I hope this will suffice for now. You can come and go as you like even when I’m not here. My space is now also your space.” He grinned sheepishly, eyes twinkling with hope that this wasn’t a bad idea. After all, he and Pansy were dating quite a bit now, and he felt that they were getting serious. This was the next logical step that didn’t involve a ring or even getting a pet together or something. At least that’s what he thought. *** He was smiling and looking excited, and Pansy wanted nothing more than to smile and be excited with him because Neal’s happiness was absolutely infectious. Except… Except Pansy was fairly sure this was the Muggle equivalent of adding someone to the wards in your home, which meant a level of commitment and seriousness that gave her heart palpitations. She didn't want that level of commitment and seriousness. She wanted Neal, but she didn't want to be caught up in those kinds of expectations - for him or for her. That way only lay heartbreak, and as long as she could tell herself she wasn't too attached, she could also tell herself that it wouldn't devastate her if he left for home again, or if he decided he wanted self-righteous Mary Crawley after all, or whoever else he happened to want to flirt with. She hadn't closed her palm around the key yet; it lay in her hand, where he'd placed it, like a dead fish. Somewhere, she was dimly aware she was looking at it like one. “Darling,” she said, forcing a laugh. “This isn't entirely necessary, is it? Whyever would I want to be here when you're not?” *** Her response wasn’t exactly what he was hoping for. Her eyes didn’t light up the way he thought they would. There was no happiness in her demeanor. Even her laugh was forced. He tried his best to not look disappointed, but he was fairly certain that his eyes betrayed him. When she didn’t wrap her fingers around the key he took it from her hand. It was his turn to force a smile. “Right,” he said. “What was I thinking.” He opened up a drawer and tossed it inside. Neal wasn’t the kind to push especially when it was so obvious that his feelings about their relationship were far different from hers. How could he have been so stupid. Or was he simply hopeful? With no guarantee that he would ever leave here a second time Neal thought that it was best to commit to something worthwhile. Maybe that was wrong? Maybe he should have treated this the way Pansy did - as a casual fling and nothing more. “So I hope you’re hungry because I made a lot.” He wanted to change the subject, needed to change it. Because the silence was killing him. *** He looked so hurt, Pansy wanted to go to battle against the person who'd hurt him and hex the Slytherin out of them. Except, of course, in this case the person in question was her. And while she usually had no qualms trampling over people’s feelings to save her own, in this case she actually felt bad about it. Just not bad enough to throw away all caution and open herself up to the kind of hurt she'd experienced before. And, she told herself, if he was really that important to him, he’d fight for it harder. Since he hadn’t, it must not be that important. Right, then. Still, when she replied, she had to force the words through the tightness in her throat. “Lovely! I’m glad we got that sorted. What’ve you made?” *** Of course he was hurt. He was taking a leap, putting himself out there, and she knocked him down. It was as if there were no feelings there at all. Maybe he was wrong about everything, and the more he let the thought simmer in his head the more he was resolving himself to treat this as casually as Pansy obviously did. “Just some pasta bolognese,” He said as he stirred the sauce. It was simmering slowly on his stove, it’s aroma permeating their space. “I’ve got garlic bread toasting in the oven.” He turned to her and smiled, and he couldn’t help but wonder why she had rejected his gift. The same woman who complained about his flirtatious actions, who would give scathing looks to anyone that seemingly caught his attention, the one whose actions told him she wanted something more from him was now completely saying the opposite. And it wasn’t like a key was a ring or anything. It was a key. A symbol that he trusted her to be in his space, and that she was always welcome there. Maybe it was too much too soon, and once more he began to think that not becoming too attached was for the best. He didn’t know if he was going to be sent away, or perhaps if Pansy would. If either of them eventually did get sent home then keeping this casual would be in their best interest. All of these thoughts, of course, were kept in the safe confines of his mind. “I hope you’re hungry because I made a lot.” He grinned at her, this time with a little more levity. *** Pansy perked up. “My favorite.” It wasn't something she liked to publicize, but she was fonder of comfort food than a woman in her position - her old position - ought to be. There was something satisfying and comforting about a warm, simple meal that ceviches and tartares couldn't provide. She came up behind him to check on his progress, but where she'd normally wrap her arms around him and snuggle into his back, she held herself apart. There was still something in his demeanor that suggested that he was still hung up on the key thing. “Look,” she said abruptly, not wanting this awkwardness to go on, “about this key business.” *** Neal had really hoped that his smile would get them off the topic about the key. He didn’t want to waste any more time thinking about it, but when Pansy brought it up he closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. He shouldn’t have let such a thing upset him, and instead of opening up to Pansy he let out a small, “hmmm” and then turned to her with bright, unassuming eyes. “Key? What key?” he asked playfully before he kissed her on the forehead. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. But what I do know is that you have to taste this.” He had a bit of the sauce on the edge of a wooden spoon and held it out near Pansy’s mouth. If there was anything that Neal was good at it was deflection. *** That, and cooking. Pansy obligingly tasted the sauce (it smelled too wonderful not to) and let out a small moan. “Mmm. Yes, that’s amazing.” She leaned forward when he would’ve taken the spoon away, her tongue darting out to take another taste. Since he didn’t seem interested in talking about the key anymore, she let it go. She had a sense the matter wasn’t settled, but it suited her purposes to move on, as he seemed to want to. “”How much longer, then?” *** “Just a few minutes until the bread is done.” Overcooked garlic bread helped no one so the timing needed to be perfect. The current awkwardness between them, however, was not perfect. And while Neal would not bring up the subject of the key anymore he needed to know where they stood. She didn’t want the key and that was just fine, but to Neal it was a sign that they were headed in two different directions when it came to their relationship. Where he thought they were serious she obviously did not, and he needed to have that cleared up so he knew how to proceed. “I wanted to ask you,” he started to say as he turned off the burner on the stove. “Where is this,” and he waved a hand between the two of them here. “Going? Because I think that between the two of us that we’re looking at this relationship completely differently.” *** Oh drat. And here she thought they were moving past that momentary blip in what had otherwise been extremely smooth sailing. “Going?” she repeated, a small smile of confusion playing on her lips as she tried to suss out what he was getting at. “Darling, do we have to go anywhere? I rather like where we’re at now.” Yes, she'd very much like it if he stopped going around encouraging other women, but he'd since agreed to do so, and everything seemed to be going along quite swimmingly. He'd presented her with a key, which suggested he wanted something more, but surely he understood why there couldn't be? *** Her confusion was clear, and Neal sought to find a way to explain it to her. “I don’t even know where we’re at now,” he said to her. “You show clear distaste when I call other women beautiful, and yet when I make a gesture to make things a little more serious for us- with a key, not a ring, not a proposal, a key - you reject it. Pansy, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Either you want to be with me, or you want to keep this casual. I’m telling you right now that I have feelings for you.” Neal took a step forward and grabbed hold of her shoulders gently. “Feelings that only grow when we’re together, but I refuse to set myself up for rejection if you don’t feel the same way.” There. He had said it, and quite frankly it felt good to get it out. He hated being in a state of limbo and at least now he’d have an answer one way or another. *** “I can tell you where we’re at now,” Pansy said throatily as she stepped closer and slid her arms around his waist. This, at least, was clear and simple. She wanted him, and he wanted her. He made her feel happy, and she didn't want to share. That wasn't too difficult to grasp, was it? She leaned up and pressed a light kiss on one corner of his mouth, then the other, coaxing him to open up to her. “We’re here. We’re happy. That's a good feeling to have.” *** It was a good feeling to have, except when it wasn’t. He felt that he was being strung along. That she enjoyed his company and how he made her feel, but not so much him. He wasn’t property, but he was noticing that she almost treated him in such a way. He remembered all the times she used to refer to him as a Muggle, a word that was so often laced with disgust when she said it. She obviously hated the idea of being with one, and so the only reason she was with him was to use him. The more he thought about it the more it upset him, and he didn’t want that right now. He wanted to salvage what was left of the evening. “You’re right, this is a good feeling,” he said to her as he returned her kiss with a grin. Another smooth deflection because he didn’t outright say that he was happy. He decided to be playful in light of it all, and his hand reached down and grabbed her rear. “Now this is a great feeling,” he said teasingly before he kissed her lips. He moved to grab a couple of plates and placed them on the counter. Neal then slipped on the oven mitt and opened up the oven to take out the garlic bread. The smell was divine, and he breathed in deeply. “I made extra, but I think you’re going to fight me for them anyway, aren’t you?” He teased. *** “Don't be absurd, I would never do anything so unladylike,” Pansy said with a glint in her eye that said very much otherwise. In the end, she was too full from the pasta to put up too much of a fight for the garlic bread. Happy and lazy from the food coma she was in, she stayed for a few hours to watch the telly vision and curl up with him. She could sense all throughout, however, that he wasn't as blithe and casual as he acted. A lot of people believed Pansy to be dense and insensitive to people’s feelings, but she was actually very perceptive. That was how you got to know someone and manipulate them, after all. At the end of the show, she shifted so she was on his lap, her forehead bent to his, and spoke in a low whisper. “I’m about to suggest you do something absolutely filthy to me. Are you going to be on board, or are you going to worry this isn't serious enough?” *** Despite all of Neal’s reservations he couldn’t help but react a little to Pansy’s straightforward suggestion. He smiled when she was on his lap, and his hands moved to rest of her hips. This was nice and all, but he knew this was only a distraction from their relationship talk earlier. Her words told him as much. He leaned forward to plant a kiss on her neck, and let out a sigh. “Oh I know you’re serious,” he said. “But I think I ate a little too much pasta.” He looked at her apologetically. That was another thing that bothered him deep down, that their relationship was mostly physical. It was nice, but Neal was starting to feel that he wanted more substance. What did he know about Pansy other than the fact that she was magical? “I’m sorry, but I think I just want to hit the sack tonight,” he said apologetically. “You’re more than welcome to join me, if you like.” *** But Pansy’s mouth turned down and she slid off his lap. He'd wanted it, she could tell, but he was refusing her nonetheless. She wanted to smack him. Or, better yet, hex him. What did he want from her? He, who'd disappeared for months, who came back and immediately started flirting with just about everybody. He might talk about wanting to know where they stood, but she felt like it was more than clear. Or she had felt that. Now, with him rejecting even her offer of great sex, she wasn't even sure what he wanted anymore. She didn't want to say anything more, in case her temper did snap and she decided to hex him after all. It would be such a shame to ruin his pretty face with boils, even if they'd be temporary. “If you're that tired, you should go to bed,” she said, standing. “I'll leave you to it.” *** He knew that she was hurt because how dare anyone deny Pansy what she wanted? It was enough to make Neal glad that she was leaving. He realized that he had been succumbing to her needs every time they were together. Did she for once think about how he felt? Or that her denying the gesture with the key was enough to upset him? It was clear to Neal that Pansy didn’t care about anyone except herself, and when she stood to her feet her followed in suit. “I am really that tired,” he said with a hint of sadness. More emotionally than physically, but he didn’t bother sharing that. It wasn’t like she cared either way. Still he kept up appearances and smiled at her. He would have leaned in for a kiss, but he could tell that she would have none of it. “And I really am sorry,” he added. The entendre being that he was sorry about so much more than turning down sex. He regretted bringing up the key, and all of their relationship talk, and more than all of that he regretting trying to move things forward in their relationship. Pansy could do casual dating, but committing to him was definitely off the table. At least he knew that now. “Goodnight, Pansy.” He said as he walked with her to the door. He’d have to take a few days off from seeing her in order to get his mind and heart in the right place. She didn’t want a commitment, and he’d have to find a way to come to terms with that. “I’ll talk with you soon, okay?” *** “Sure,” she said, already turning away. It was starting already, him pulling away from her. She had known from the start it would happen, that he'd leave. This was exactly why she'd refused to get attached in the first place: not because she didn't care about him, but so she wouldn't care too much. That way, it wouldn't hurt so much when he left. It hurt anyway. |