WHO: Jace Wayland Herondale and Clary Fray WHAT: Jace Remembers WHEN: Friday WHERE: Clary's place WARNINGS: PG STATUS: Closed/Completed Gdoc
Jace couldn’t get her off his mind. Was this what had happened to him back home? Had he started dreaming about her, thinking about her at times when he shouldn’t? He didn’t like it, not even a little. He didn’t being out of control, and that was how it felt. Like he wasn’t in control of himself - something he had tried so very, very hard to always be.
He wasn’t even sure what it was exactly. He’d been with prettier girls. Much prettier girls. Tall, skinny girls with long blonde hair and curves...girls that would turn any guy’s head. Clary was none of those things...but somehow he found he had started comparing those girls to Clary. And much to his surprise, they were coming up short.
He was clearly insane. Something had broken in his head. Maybe he was dying of some strange disease. Who knew?
What he did know was that he’d awakened this morning and made his way to the place where Clary lived. And right now, he was sitting on the stairs outside, dressed in his gear, and under a glamour to avoid the judging eyes of mundies.
He was poking through the network on his phone, reading back to the last time he’d been here. Thankfully, his phone allowed him to read the private things that he’d written then, considering him as it did the same person. As he read the things he’d said, though, it certainly didn’t feel that way. He wasn’t a lovesick idiot. He couldn’t imagine himself saying these words. Or...if he could, he wasn’t going to admit it.
***
Clary had gotten up early to train. She tried to do that regularly, but with so many people in town who were used to training early, sometimes the obstacle course of training grounds got crowded. Today she got in before the rush, though, and was making her way back to the house to shower when she spotted Jace sitting on the steps there.
She slowed down, surprised, then hurried her steps. She wasn't sure why Jace would be at the house, unless something had happened. It wasn't as if he'd be there to just see her, was it?
“Jace, is something wrong?”
***
Jace jumped to his feet in a fluid, feline motion as he saw her approach. He didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands, so he clasped them behind him to insure that he wouldn’t start fidgeting.
“No,” he said, assuring her. “Nothing’s wrong.” What could be wrong here, in this boring, mundane place? “I just - “ He let the words trail off. He didn’t want to answer what he was thinking. I just came to see you.
***
Clary waited a moment for him to finish, but when he didn't, she took a small step forward. Not enough to infringe in his space, but to move towards a the house.
“Why don't you come in?” she offered. It would definitely be painful and awkward to have him back in the house where they'd been so happy, but it wasn't like Jace to be so uncertain. Something was up, and it was probably better for him to be inside and away from Mundanes when it came out.
***
Jace nodded and followed her into the house, looking around him. Supposedly he had once lived here, but he saw no sign of himself. It was weird knowing he’d been here before - an entirely different version of himself, and apparently a much happier one. It at least gave him a bit of hope in the future - maybe he would find happiness some day.
Once in the living room, he sat on the couch, one booted foot resting on the coffee table while the other one rested on the floor. He looked around him, at everything except Clary.
“Everything’s fine. I just wanted to make sure that...you were okay.”
Yeah, that was it. Sure.
***
Clary laughed humourlessly. She wasn't okay. She couldn't ever be okay as long as she couldn't be with Jace. Whatever version of her that sleepwalked through life...well, that version wasn’t t okay either.
She didn't tell him that, though. She didn't want him to be a jerk about t, and she didn't want to put her unhappiness on him. It wasn't his fault he didn't know her.
“I'm fine,” she said. “You don't have to check up on me, you know. You don't owe me anything.”
***
“You’re a shadowhunter,” he said. “We have to stick together.” Especially since there weren’t all that many of them in this town. Of course, that had nothing to do with why he was here, but it was a noble idea. Quite a bit better than the real reason, actually.
He looked at her as she spoke, his eyes assessing her. He wasn’t undressing her with his eyes or anything like that, it was more that he was trying to understand, trying to find that part of her that called out to him. That part of her that sang in his blood and made it impossible for him to stop thinking about her. It had to be there, somewhere. If he could find it, maybe he could understand…
After a moment he looked down, then up and out the window, anywhere but at her.
“I don’t like not having the answers.”
***
So that would be the reason why, then. Jace didn't like mysteries; he found them dangerous. He’d been taught that what he didn't know would hurt him, so it would make sense that he'd be bothered by the enigma that was her and their relationship.
The problem with love, though, was that it had to be something you felt, not heard about.
“I could tell you everything,” she said quietly. “How we met, how we fell in love, how you smell when you're fresh out of the shower. But that won't give you the answers you're looking for. For those, you actually have to take a chance. To believe in love, and that you could be loved. If you can't…” She raised her hands. “You're always going to be searching.”
***
Jace didn’t doubt that love was real. He knew it was. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he also knew that love was dangerous, that it destroyed those who dared to give into it. It destroyed both the one that loved, and the object of his affections, so the only humane thing to do was simply not to love at all.
He’d done that since he was a little boy, or at least he’d tried.
And he knew he’d always been empty, that something inside him was searching for something real, something true, something bigger than himself. And he knew the relationships he’d had - if one could even call the series of one-night-stands he’d had with girls he couldn’t even name relationships - had happened out of a simple desire not to be alone. And yet they had left him feeling more alone afterwards.
He stood suddenly, and crossed to her, his fingers brushing her hair out of her face, before he clasped them tightly into a fist and turned away.
“I can’t, Clary.”
***
“Jace -” She caught his hand before he could elude her entirely, and she slid her fingers between his. She’d release him if he wanted her to, but she needed that moment of contact that he’d started and then run away from. And, more importantly, she felt like he needed it too. He was on the cusp of accepting it, she felt, and she didn’t want to lose him. Not now.
“Jace, do you really feel like you’re stronger like this?” she asked softly. “Alone, with an emptiness in you you could never fill no matter how hard you train, how many demons you kill, or even how many girls you take to bed? Do you really think love would put you in a worse place than you are now?’
***
Jace clung to her hand with an almost sudden fierceness that he didn’t expect. Something about the warmth of her hand, the strength of it...he suddenly needed it more than life. More than he’d ever needed anything, ever.
His golden eyes seemed to catch fire with something, and he was almost trembling as he took her other hand, clasping it just as tightly. God, he wanted her. And not just in his bed, but in his heart. In his soul, where he was nearly certain that she belonged. To complete him.
Without knowing how, he found himself pressing her against the wall, their faces so very, very close. For a moment, he was certain he was going to kiss her, but by the greatest act of will he’d ever achieved, he pushed himself away from her.
“I’ll destroy you,” he rasped. “I can’t - I won’t…”
***
“No, you won’t,” Clary said firmly, pushing herself away from the wall to follow him. For a moment she thought he’d do it, that he’d actually kiss her, and then maybe all the pieces woulf fall into place -
But he didn’t, and she thought she might scream from frustration.
“Jace, you’re not going to hurt me,” she told him firmly. “I trust you. And I trust me.”
***
“You don’t understand,” he said. “You don’t get it.” He had started to pace now, and was getting very close to losing his characteristic cool. “Love destroys. It destroys both the one who loves and the one who is loved. It’s what I’ve grown up believing. I’ve seen it to be true. I know it to be true. I can’t allow myself - if I do - “
He stopped. He hated this feeling, hated not being in control of himself, but Clary was bringing out something so raw in him. He hadn’t felt like this since he was a little boy. Earlier than that, even. He wanted...he wanted to matter to someone. He wanted someone to really know him. And it seemed to him that Clary was offering that oasis in the darkness and loneliness that had been Jace’s life.
But how could he take it, knowing that it would destroy her?
***
“If you do, you’ll discover a whole new way of looking at things,” Clary told him, not willing to let him escape back into the lies Valentine had drilled into him. Every time Jace said something like that, she wanted to kill him all over again. And this time she wouldn’t get an angel to do it for her.
“If you do, you’ll discover peace.” Frustration edged her words now; she wanted so badly for him to believe her. “Don’t you even want to try? Because I’m willing. And if you’re that worried about hurting me...well...don’t you think you’re already developing some feelings?”
***
Peace. What a precious thing that would be. Jace was nearly certain that he’d never known peace. Not once in his entire life. The look in his eyes actually showed vulnerability and fear - a very clear sign that she was getting through to him. What was it about her? What was it about this tiny redheaded girl that got inside of him so deeply?
He turned back to her, and pulled her into his arms, letting, just for once, his heart lead the way. She’d see. And he wouldn’t let it go too far. Just far enough that she could see how dangerous it would be.
But when his lips met hers - all thought was lost.
***
Oh, it was dangerous all right, but not in the way Jace might have thought. It was dangerous in the way newly fallen snow was dangerous: bright and sharp and blinding. It was dangerous in the way a newly plucked rose was dangerous: so heady and intense it pushed away all other sensation.
Clary kissed him back with all the pent up love and desire and desperation she'd felt ever since he'd gone. Her hands clutched at his hair, his shirt, his back. She couldn't get close enough to him; she couldn't get enough of him. And she wasn't going to let go until he did.
***
By the Angel, he’d never felt anything like this. Jace was far, far from being a virgin, but he felt like one as he kissed her, the intensity of just their kiss far eclipsing anything that he’d felt with any of the girls he’d been with before. What was it? Was it that she wasn’t just some girl who didn’t know him, who thought he was cute or had sought him out because of his reputation? Was it that she actually loved him? Was this what love felt like? If so, it was more dangerous than he’d ever been taught to believe.
And far, far more powerful.
He lifted her, easily, carrying her to the couch, leaning her back onto it gently. She was a shadowhunter, yes, and not fragile, but he couldn’t help but be gentle with her, not with this newly found and infinitely precious feeling in his heart.
Hovering over her, he leaned down to kiss her again, for the moment not caring about the words his father had said. In this moment, all that mattered was her.
***
This was everything Clary had ever wanted since his return: him, looking at her as if she were the most precious thing to him. She knew his capacity for love, and him to get it back, to embrace it. He wasn't quite there yet, but she could see he was close.
She lifted her hand to caress his cheek in that briefest of moments when they broke apart to breathe. In that gentle touch she tried to show him what he meant to her: that he was the most precious thing in the world to her. And, just in case it didn't get through, she lifted her head to whisper in his ear.
“I love you.”
***
Jace wasn’t sure that anyone had ever said that to him before. Not in his entire life. His father had loved him, hadn’t he? But he hadn’t exactly been one given to speaking it. And something inside Jace...broke when he heard those words. Perhaps it was some wall that had been holding him back, some wall that he’d put up to protect himself.
He gasped and pulled back, his hands going to his head as if he were in pain. His eyes closed tightly, and when he opened them again...the look he gave her said very clearly that something had changed.
“...Clary?”
***
“Jace?” Clary sat up quickly. She wasn’t sure what had happened, but it was clear it was significant. Her body was still heated from his touch, but her concern for him overrode her desire - or her worry that he had suddenly jerked away when she’d told him she loved him.
She reached for him, a careful gesture. She felt as if he might just shatter if she didn’t take great care. “Jace, what’s wrong?”
***
“I - “ He swallowed, nearly trembling. It was like he was reliving everything he’d experienced all over again, and on fast-forward. He steeled his jaw and clenched his teeth, but despite that, when he looked back at her there was love in his eyes again.
“I - remember. Everything.”
***
Clary’s hand stopped short of actually touching him. She brought both hands to her mouth, scarcely believing his words. She’d spent so much time trying not to get her hopes up, trying to just accept that he was back…
...and now he remembered.
“Everything?” she whispered. “Valentine? Sebastian?”
***
He nodded. “...Nearly dying in the other dimension. Simon’s sacrifice. Everything.” When she didn’t touch him, he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her against him. He smiled - the true, gentle smile that was Clary’s alone.
“And most of all, you.”
***
That was enough for Clary. With a small cry, she threw her arms around him, no longer worried about breaking him. She kissed him again and again - on his lips, on his cheeks, on his forehead, everywhere she could, everywhere she’d wanted to but couldn’t when he didn’t know who she was.
“I’ve missed you,” she told him in between kisses. “So, so much.”
***
Jace returned those kisses, just as hot and impassioned as hers...possibly more so. Holding her close, being next to her like this, it was as if he’d come home after being at sea for months. How could he have questioned this? How could he have thought that love made a person weak? It was so very much the opposite.
“Of course you did,” he whispered in her ear. “Who wouldn’t?”
***
...yeah, this was Jace, all right.
Clary pulled back, but she was laughing. Her eyes bright with unshed tears of happiness, she swatted him. “When the alternative was pre-me you? No one. By the Angel, Jace, I’d forgotten how insufferable you were back then.”
***
“Me? Insufferable?” He raised an eyebrow in mock offense. “Hardly. I just found the rest of the world to be...ridiculously Mundane.”
And, of course, he’d been dealing with scars on his heart that had been building for his entire life, and fear of doing anything that might assuage them. Clary had been the balm to his injured soul.
“And I didn’t have you to swat me around and push me in the right direction.”
***
Clary smiled and touched her forehead to his. Jace really was back, insufferable ego and great love for her and everything.
“Do you remember what happened these past few months?”
***
“Yes,” he said, looking confused. “Here in Madison Valley? I remember being here and not knowing you.” He hadn’t forgotten anything. He’d only remembered more.
His eyes darkened slightly and his face became more serious.
“I’m sorry for the pain I put you through, Clary.”
*** “You better be.” She swatted him again, then kissed him, then swatted him again, just for good measure. “It was a really rough couple of months.”
And it had been harder and harder as time went on. She'd started to wonder if he could love her, could have loved her, without some world-endangering maniac for them to fight against together.
***
Jace didn’t apologize often, so the fact that he did meant that he really was sorry. He wasn’t proud, looking back over the past few months, when he’d been so cold to the girl who had brought his heart in from the icy place it had been staying before he left her. During that time he’d caused such pain to Clary…
He squeezed her more tightly to him, as if he were afraid of losing her and all his memories again.
“I think we should go up to our room. Otherwise, anyone who walks in during the next few hours will have their confidence entirely shattered.”
***
Our room. Yes, he definitely remembered.
Clary leaned forward and kissed him fiercely. “Let’s. It’s been cold and lonely there without you.”
But now...now they had a chance to make it theirs again.