Pollux Nigellus Black [beta geminorum] (pollux_black) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2013-12-04 17:51:00 |
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Entry tags: | !closed, !log, !narrative, ~2013 december, ~25 points, ~~pollux black (pollux_black) |
Who: Pollux Black
What: Feeling sorry for himself
Where: His study
When: Evening, 12/4
Warnings | Status: None | Narrative | Complete
Pollux locked the door. Silly, perhaps, as they wouldn't disturb him anyway but any extra measure to be alone was one worth taking. Especially now, he supposed, with all of them there. So he locked the door and leaned his forehead against the surface, breathing slowly to cool his nerves. And once sufficiently calm enough to focus, cast the silencing spell over the room. Privacy wasn't difficult to come by, not really, but the extra precautions never hurt. But what would they do? Lean against the door and listen to him sit in silence? No, there were far more interesting things to worry about. Let them do what they wanted to do.
Let them do what they wanted to do, so long as they left him alone.
Pollux stared at the door for a moment, then turned and retreated to his desk, sliding down into the chair. He slumped, closed his eyes and tried not to think. Think about what? What he was doing or not doing. And where he wanted to be. Anywhere but here, surrounded by them. Home, perhaps. No, not even there because she was there and he couldn't stand to see her tears anymore than he could stand to argue with everyone else.
So where?
Where would you go, Pollux, if you could run away?
He didn't know and he couldn't anyway, no point in thinking about it. Pollux opened his eyes, brushed off the mental exercise and looked around the study. It was orderly and controlled like so few things in his life. It was at least familiar and comforting in its organization.
He reached for the bottle of Scotch and poured himself a glass. He didn't drink much before and he didn't really want to develop a habit, but suddenly he understood why people drank the way they did or could and very possibly should. So long as it didn't interfere with what had to be done who cared about what he did? Or didn't do.
Pollux took a drink and sighed, closing his eyes again.
The children were arriving and he didn't want them here. He didn't want them here and he hated that it made him feel guilty. So they were here and he had to watch out for them. He didn't know how to do that. He didn't know how to make his wife of five years stop crying at night, how was he supposed to know how to watch over everyone else?
So let them do what they wanted to do.
What was his role then if not ab adult but not able to be a child either?
"I don't want to do this," he said out loud, but quietly and to himself. What if they heard? "I don't know what I'm doing." Pollux opened his eyes and finished his drink in a burning gulp, then poured himself another glass.
"Deal with it, Pollux. They're not going away until they do and you can't disappear either. So deal with your life." He exhaled a steadying breath and took another drink. It helped. It was what he had, there was nothing else.