Who: Zoya and Nikolai What: A chat after speed dating. When: After speed dating. Where: Zoya's apartment Rating: Low Status: Closed; Complete
Nikolai finished speed dating and skipped mingling. While he hadn’t disliked his dates (and hoped he and Finn would be friends), they’d been… less than fulfilling. In point of fact, one of the only reasons he stayed was in case Nina needed a friend, but these days when did his most trusted spy need anything from him?
He’d called Zoya the second he stepped outside, noticing a pair shoot into the sky. Madison certainly had a variety of people and creatures in this place. So, she wouldn’t be too surprised when the Ravkan King showed up at her door.
A knock on her apartment door and he wondered what exactly he should say. Apologize for speed dating (even if Nina signed him up)? Hug her (which might end up in his murder)? Something else altogether?
When Zoya found out Nikolai was attending speed dating, the Grisha felt relieved. Perhaps he would meet a nice girl there, someone fit to make his match, and focus on her. Forget these foolish notions of loving Zoya. It was her hope at least and what he deserved. Zoya was not meant for romantic love; she would be his friend, his general and advisor, but she could not be his lover. Not even far from the pressures of Ravka.
She’d just finished a bath and changed into her nightgown, robe, and slippers when there was a knock at her apartment door. She hadn’t received any messages of anyone stopping by. Padding to the door, Zoya took a quick look into the peephole and was surprised to see who was standing on the other side.
Nikolai? Why? Immediately, Zoya feared something had happened. Something similar to when that girl had read his mind or worse. Though, he didn’t look upset. Maybe nervous, but not upset. Was this a social call? Zoya figured he’d have stayed to mingle after the dating…unless the dating had gone bad. Sighing, Zoya unlocked the door and opened it,
“Hello, Nikolai. To what do I owe the pleasure or, depending on the reason behind your visit, the displeasure.” Despite her words, the Grisha was already stepping aside to let him in.
Apparently Nikolai’s phone call hadn’t gone through, though he’d heard ringing on his end. Too late now, because Zoya looked confused by his arrival. Though, he imagined if the roles reversed he’d also look confused.
Her current clothing made him remember those moments they spent alone every night, when she shackled him and fed him the drugs so his monster wouldn’t take over and hurt people. Nikolai missed those moments more than he could say.
“I don’t know what Nina thought, but that was…a strange experience, made all the stranger that two dates were with men who seemed to be there for friends only.” Nikolai stepped inside an apartment nearly identical to his. “At one point there was yelling and one man calling another an asshole.” Mostly the king wanted to sit and discuss with his closest friend about how strange a situation speed dating had been.
Figuring Nikolai was in decently capable hands with Nina at speed dating as well, Zoya had left her phone tucked away in the pockets of her Grisha robes. Of course, given how he’d shown up at her doorstep, perhaps she should have taken it into the bathroom with her or gone to the event herself, just to keep an eye on him.
Zoya had already synched her robe tight before opening her door to him. She was well aware of what the sight could incite in him. What it might remind him of. It was a path best left in the past. For both of their sakes.
“I suppose the event was for more than just romantic companionship then. Though, the name is rather deceiving.” Zoya shut the door behind him and led the way into the small living room, continuing to listen as he explained about the event. “It sounds…interesting.” Which, in Zoya speak, meant ‘fucked up.’ She gestured for him to have a seat on the sofa before taking one herself.
“Despite all of that, did you meet anyone you liked?” Zoya asked. Despite her best efforts, she knew the implication of her words were clear. Did he find anyone he could potentially be in a relationship with?
He looked above Zoya, so he didn’t stare at her in a bathrobe. This was not that kind of visit, no matter what Nikolai wished. Yes, he trusted Nina too, but she did say she hadn’t attended before. Though, now he wished he’d at least appeared with something like ice cream or wine. Probably not both, though, because both sounded awful.
Nikolai followed his general to the couch. He took the offered seat and shrugged. “I must say it was an experience. After asking a few people, I’ve been told people don’t generally shout at each other.” He knew what the question meant.
“I suppose so. I did enjoy my date with one gentleman named Finn, but since I’m not attracted to men…” his point trailed off as Zoya asked her question. “No. But, I also only had one date with a woman. And she’s not you.” Nikolai knew how he felt, even while he recognized that Zoya would probably never allow herself to reciprocate her feelings.
It was not that kind of meeting. They were two friends talking and that was all. All it could ever be. While Nina had not experienced speed dating before, Zoya knew that if Nikolai was in danger, she would have stepped up to defend him. While Zoya truly never believed anyone could protect Nikolai like herself, she knew Nina’s loyalty to them both would ensure his protection.
“Accurate description. I suppose there is some relief in knowing people don’t shout at each other all the time.” Zoya was aware people were capable of pissing each other off in far less time than five minutes, but at an event that was supposed to promote friendship and maybe more, it was rather sad.
Zoya nodded. “A potential friend then. There is nothing wrong with that.” It was rather strange that Nikolai was paired with mostly men. Perhaps whoever was doing it made a mistake. It was disappointing. Zoya was hoping Nikolai would meet someone he could connect with on that level. It was clear he did not. Even without the verbal confirmation, his expression said everything. Zoya sighed softly.
“You know I cannot be with you like that, Nikolai. I am your friend, your general, and I will always fight to protect you and Ravka till my dying breath, but even here, you deserve to find someone worthy enough to be a queen. I am not that person.” Because love was messy and she knew from experience that she was rarely worthy of it.
“Yes, I don’t mind some yelling, but not in that setting. Though I was close enough to gather that the white man was the instigator. Sounded quite pissed to be paired with men.” Who the hell signed him up made him question a few things, but no matter. And while Zoya would protect him to the ends of the Earth, in that setting Nina would have done quite well. Probably with a lot of distraction and flirting, but good enough.
“He was quiet and nice. Reminded me a bit of Tolya in his quiet contemplation.” Nikolai knew Zoya also missed the twins. He knew what Zoya hoped, but Nikolai couldn’t help that he hadn’t really had dates with any women.
“I don’t want anyone else besides you, Zoya. I love your strength, your heart, your dedication to our country, the Grisha, me. You are this fierce and beautiful creature and whether you like it or not, I do love you.” His cards on the table, the Ravakan king’s usual smirk was replaced with an expression of openness.
“Perhaps someone was playing a joke on him. I do not know. Though, throwing a tantrum like a child is not the way to handle such things.” Zoya obviously knew nothing of this man, but it sounded rather childish to start a shouting match with someone over being paired with a gender you were not attracted to. Foolish really. “Ah. He definitely sounds like a potential friend then.” Zoya did miss the twins very much. Though, she did not wish them here. She would never wish anyone to be here no matter how much she missed them save for two people and that was a completely selfish wish. Of course Nikolai knew what Zoya wanted for him. This was not the first time they’d had this talk. This was not the first time he’d put all his cards on the table too, leaving his heart open for her to once more crush it.
Zoya turned away, contemplating what to say. She couldn’t just leave the room this time. This was her apartment. She was stuck with him. Stuck with these feelings she couldn’t face. Not now. Perhaps never. Because it was dangerous for them both. She met his gaze once more and shook her head.
“You’ve told me this before Nikolai. Aboard the airship. We were lying next to each other with the moonlight pouring in through the window. You looked at me and said the same thing. And I told you exactly what I just told you now,” she replied softly. “That I will be your friend, your general,and your advisor. Your protector and Ravka’s soldier. A weapon. But you will marry someone else. Someone suited to rule Ravka’s people, someone capable of providing them with what they truly need and that is not Zoya Nazyalensky.”
No, Nikolai wouldn’t wish any of their friends here with them for obvious reasons. But a friend here with someone already stuck? Well, why not. “I think even you might like him, Zoya. He doesn’t recite poetry,” Nikolai joked. Tolya loved poetry far more than his close friends, than his sister. While Nikolia felt fairly sure he’d never wed, because romantic love didn’t seem to interest Tolya, if he did the other person would need to love poetry. A lot. Like a fucking lot.
He blinked. Nikolai didn’t remember saying those words to Zoya, though now he wondered if perhaps his general was from a slightly ahead of him future. But the turn told him all he needed to know and those hopes died within his chest. Perhaps she didn’t feel the same, perhaps he really had dreamed those words he swore she’d said to him as he fell into unconsciousness from the draught.
“Trust me, Zoya, I would remember if I had. Is it…after we steal the titanium? Because when I got pulled here Kaz and I were still in the midst of distracting and loading.” Nikolai’s face took in Zoya, all of her, from the luscious brown hair, to the features schooled in an expression different from her usual haughtiness. And in this moment he wondered how much of this was truly what she felt and how much was her scared.
Nikolai sighed, and brushed hair out of Zoya’s face. “You captivate me. I wish I could easily find some nice girl, though we know how well that worked out last time. But that’s not how the heart works.” The Ravkan king pulled back his hand. “Even if it’s not with me, you deserve happiness and love too, my not kind and too strong general.”
Zoya smirked. “I suppose there is always the possibility I will warm up to him eventually. Especially if there isn’t any poetry involved.” Though, Zoya would admit Toyla’s poetry was endearing. A part of him as surely as anything else. The thought did make her miss him all the more. His sister too.
She’d been hoping she wouldn’t have to recall that night for him. Hoping that in coming here things had changed and that he perhaps did not feel the same way any longer. From his declaration, it was clearly not the case. Tonight had not worked out the way Zoya had planned it to. Perhaps she was foolish to think it would. Foolish to think his feelings would evaporate the moment he spoke to another woman. While the rational part of her screamed differently, there was a part of Zoya that was relieved he hadn’t. Secretly pleased he still only saw her.
Because, despite her words and bravado, Zoya did love Nikolai too. Knew it as surely as she knew the change in the wind or sensed the coming of a storm. But allowing herself to love him, to care, was dangerous for them both. Even in a world far removed from the war in Ravka and their duties to their people and country.
The grisha nodded. “It is after we steal it,” she replied softly. He was from before he’d spoken those words. Zoya had been relieved in a way that he was because it took the burden of her choice that night away. It gave them a clean slate so to speak. However, after tonight, that was impossible. Zoya could face an army, a dragon, and anything else that ever came her way. But love? It still had her running; a child scared of the darkness and the unknown within its inky blackness.
You are strong enough to survive the fall.
The words echoed in her ears as his fingers tucked a strand of hair behind her ear; her gaze locked on his. Was she strong enough to survive? Goosebumps scurried across her skin with the touch and Zoya barely repressed the urge to shiver with the touch. Her hand came up and lightly took hold of his own. “I only know that love is pain. Loss. That crossing that line changes everything for both of us in a way that can never be undone.”
While Nikolai knew everyone gave Tolya a hard time about his poetry, he couldn’t imagine his friend without that aspect of himself. Toyla’s love of poetry almost equaled the love he had for his twin. But not quite.
If Zoya thought Nikolai’s feeling would evaporate that quickly she obviously hadn’t considered how much that wouldn’t be the Ravkan king. Once he loved someone, he loved them with everything he had, whether it was his country or the Grisha who sat on the couch with him; who’d rescued him time and time again.
Nikolai always worried that Zoya didn’t love him, even while he knew every fibre of him longed to be hers, to love her and take care of her, even while knowing Zoya could always take care of herself and didn’t need him to do so.
“Maybe love is pain and loss. We’ve endured enough of it, witnessed what the loss of love can do, especially with Nina and Genya. But love is also beautiful. Look at Nadia and Tamar and how happy they are, how much fuller their lives seem because they’ve let love into their lives. Nina has no reason to smile again but she still loves her country, and you, and Inej with her heart, is even willing to consider love again. Love can hurt, but it can open up possibilities and the heart in ways we couldn’t understand.” Nikolai paused. “I can’t imagine my life without you by my side, but more importantly I want you by my side as my partner, not just my general and friend.” At the moment, he truly wished for Tolya and his poetry. “...Tolya would be so much better at this,” he commented in a joking manner.
“They are not me.” It was a simple answer. Direct. But when had Zoya not been direct? Never. “How people choose to recover from loss is personal, Nikolai. How people choose to love is personal.” Zoya knew what he was attempting to do. What he was trying to convince her to do. Using the others as examples. Of what they could be. He made it sound so easy. So plausible, but that was Nikolai’s gift. His ability to convince others that anything was possible even when the odds were stacked against them. Against him.
“And anything we have here will be gone the moment we go home,” she added softly. “Because we will not remember it.” She’d learned enough about this place to understand that was simply a consequence of existing here. Was it worth the risk? The fall? She needed time to think. To process. Zoya looked at him beneath her thick lashes and she released his hand, her own falling to her lap.
“I can’t give you the answer you want, Nikolai. Not tonight,” she replied. “If you truly consider me a possible partner, you will give me the space and time I need.” And she knew he would because he respected her as she respected him. They had an understanding. “Please.”
Nikolai would never push Zoya. He’d say his peace and allow his general the time and space to think. “No,” he agreed. “They aren’t you. And everyone does deal with loss differently.” The Ravkan king regretted his choice in words, though not completely. But, he did want to point out that loss didn’t have to be the end for something else beautiful to eventually blossom.
“Maybe we won’t remember it, but we’ll still have our time here.” Nikolai didn’t react, because she deserved time to think. “Nor would I expect an answer tonight. Take the time you need, because you deserve the time and space to consider.” Nikolai didn’t wish to rush Zoya in either direction for fear of regret. “I can show myself out, unless you’d like me to stay for a few minutes and regale you with tales from speed dating.”
“Thank you.” If they hadn’t ventured into dangerous territory, Zoya may have considered allowing Nikolai to linger another hour or so and regale her with tales of his speed dating. Instead, she felt it probably best that he take his leave for the night. The Storm Witch had much to think about and she could not do it with him seated on her couch.
She gave him a small smile. “Perhaps another night, Nikolai. I’ll speak with you tomorrow like always.” Though he’d offered to show himself out, Zoya stood and walked with him to the door. Opening it, she watched him step through and then bid him a good night. Once the door was shut, Zoya clicked the lock back into the place and headed for her bedroom. She was exhausted, but she doubted she would get much sleep tonight.