Who: Damien and Alyssa What: a convo about what happened with Worth It or Not When: Sept. 14th evening (after the portal) Where: their house Theme:Wait by Knuckle Puck Rating: mediumish (brief mentions of nudity and a follow up to Worth It or Not)
Alyssa wanted to go out for a night, preferably to Pandemonium tonight. She enjoyed Verdant, obviously, but her friend owned Pandemonium and the name spoke to her on a spiritual level. Now that she didn’t need to dress quite so reserved, given she wasn’t an extension of Damien here like in Midnight, the blonde wore a dress, which guaranteed her vampire’s eyes would only be on her tonight, not that she ever worried about it.
She hadn’t put the dress on yet, though, having just exited the shower before she began to blow dry her hair. The Netherling still had some residual feelings after Worth It or Not, which translated into her fingers more callused than usual from playing the violin almost nonstop throughout the day. If the Netherling became lost in her music, she’d feel more a sense of ease. In fact, she’d gotten so lost in it, that the blonde hadn’t realized the time and missed being naked in bed when Damien awoke.
Alyssa went through her routine and applied lotion to her skin, although she winced slightly at the blister starting from excessive playing. Muttering to herself, she said, “Fucking hell.”
Damien had sensitive hearing, but, thankfully, Alyssa played well enough that hearing violin throughout the day wasn’t an excruciating exercise for the vampire. It also helped that Damien was a heavy sleeper for the most part. However, he did notice when Alyssa wasn’t in bed by the time he awoke.
Pushing back the covers, Damien threw on a pair of black jeans and a belt. Locating his cigarettes, Damien lit one and took a drag before making his way to the bathroom. He nudged open the bathroom door and braced a shoulder against the door frame, one foot crossed over the other.
Blue eyes drank in her naked form, but he said nothing besides “You’re late” and exhaled a puff of smoke into the air.
When the trio finished building the treehouse, the blonde could go sit there and play. She tried not to play too much while Damien slept, knowing even with soundproofing Damien’s sensitive ears would pick up the sound. But yes, Alyssa played the violin rather well.
She heard Damien stirring and so his arrival in their bathroom didn’t exactly surprise the Netherling. Alyssa could feel his eyes on her, but instead she looked a little sheepish. “Sorry beau vampire. I lost track of time playing and hoped to be done in the bathroom before you awoke. Obviously I miscalculated.”
Alyssa knew things between the pair had been mostly back to normal since the incident in Midnight, helped by the fact that the Red Queen played her part as Damien’s well and she enjoyed what little time she got to spend with Jimmy. But mostly didn’t exactly mean they were as good as before. She just didn’t know how to broach the subject of We should talk about what happened in a way that would lead to a conductive conversation. Not that ignoring it would work forever.
“Obviously.”
Just because they were speaking and things were similar to what they were before did not mean Damien had forgiven Alyssa. Such a gesture did not come easily to the elder Duval and he knew Alyssa was well aware of this by now. Hence the rather large elephant in the room and the heavy cloud that hung over their relationship.
Damien exhaled another cloud of smoke into the bathroom. “We can do this now while your naked or we can do it after yoi’re clothed, but either way, we need to fucking talk.”
“Oh thank fuck.” Alyssa shrugged. “I was about to say the same thing. After I put on clothing.” No, not her dress. But she did pull on the leggings, sports bra, and band tee she wore earlier. One thing the Red Queen wouldn’t do? A serious conversation while naked.
“I would prefer we talk in our room if that’s okay with you.” The Netherling thought their room made more sense. Also the steam and cigarette smoke started to make Alyssa’s eyes water.
Once in their room, Alyssa pulled out the chair she used for applying makeup, and spun it so she faced Damien, before the Red Queen asked, “Would you like to start the conversation or should I?” Either way, it was going to suck before it got better.
“Wherever. I’m not picky.” At least, not right now. He stepped aside to let her through before following her back to their room. He stabbed out his cigarette in the ashtray by the bed and then took a seat on the edge of it. Thankfully, he had a full pack of cigarettes; he knew he was going to need it.
At her question, Damien waved her on. “Go ahead.” She needed to get it out of her system even if he was dreading hearing it. Hopefully, it wouldn’t end like Worth it or Not where she’d blasted music while screaming into nothing.
Alyssa tilted her head in consideration. “I need you to understand that when I speak about my past, it’s not to hurt you, mon coeur.” A sigh and she crossed her legs under her as she sat up straight. “Nor is it to make excuses. I think you believe that I did what I did simply out of impulse and you’re partially correct. What I did, though, crossed a line. I disrespected you and broke some of your trust.”
She inhaled and kept herself speaking in an even tone. “I also need you to understand that I am coming at this from the experience of having navigated the world as a woman and a mother.” Because this would include information about her daughter and she didn’t want to start a whole new argument.
“Because everything you do ultimately comes back to your past, in some way or another.” It wasn’t an accusation; everyone, including Damien, often did things because of his past. It was merely stating a fact. At least she acknowledged she’d crossed a line. “It’s shaped you. It makes perfect sense.”
Damien reached for his pack of cigarettes and flicked open his lighter, igniting the end, and taking a drag. The nicotine filled his lungs and immediately a sense of calm fell over him. He was going to need more than half a pack of cigarettes to get through this conversation.
“I am aware of what you are and the roles you have played, Alyssa.” Damien settled the cigarette between his lips again and leaned back on his hands. “I am aware that experience shapes everything and that is not just aimed at you. That is everyone, including me.”
Alyssa released a breath she hadn’t realized she’d held until Damien responded. No, she hadn’t taken it as an accusation because didn’t his words hold true for any sentient creature?
“It’s different for you.” No, she didn’t say it with any accusation either. “Yes, you’re a vampire which puts you pretty high up on the food chain and one of the most important ones in Midnight which is a difference between you and me, but.” She took a sip from the water glass she’d set there before her shower. “But more importantly, you navigate the world as a man. I don’t. Jimmy didn’t before she was turned and neither did Sky or the other female vampires. You didn’t get the instructions to walk to your car in a dark parking light with your keys between your fingers, to never leave your drink unattended, and more importantly, when you tell someone no, they listen. I didn’t have that luxury. Men didn’t listen to me saying I wasn’t available, Jeb had to speak for me before they’d listen, ring on my finger or not. Even that cop in the other Madison left me alone because my brother scared him, not because I said no. I rule a world where my word is law, but in the world of men? My word will never hold the weight yours does, Kol’s does, even Peter’s and Ned’s words. And that isn’t your fault, any of yours. It’s the system in which we exist.”
The harder part, but Alyssa kept her gaze on Damien and kept her voice even. “What that man…what he did…it happened to my younger daughter, but she didn’t have you and Bran. She had a very human father who adored her and a mother who couldn’t unleash her powers. She got no justice and, in that moment, I remembered her hurt and anguish and I just…” The Netherling quieted for a second. “I did something you didn’t want me to do and I can’t take it back. I wish I could, because I never want to disappoint you or make you think I don’t trust and love you.”
There was a part of Damien that saw this entire conversation coming a mile away. He kept silent as Alyssa explained what it was like to be a woman. No, Damien had no experience in being a woman, but he had a sister. He’d seen how the world had treated her. He wasn’t blind to it, but the way Alyssa explained it made it seem as if he was.
“I had a sister. I’m not as oblivious as you think.” He kept silent after and allowed her to finish. It wasn’t surprising that an actual experience had shaped her reaction. He finished off his cigarette and lit another. Taking a moment to savor the nicotine in his lungs before attempting a response. He felt bad for her daughter, bad for the family, and if it had been his sister, Damien would have felt the same. Except he and Bran would have found a way to do something about it.
“I’m sorry about your daughter,” Damien finally said. “You did what you did out of hurt. It’s understandable.” He didn’t say he forgave her, simply that he understood. Damien wasn’t ever quick to forgive. It just…wasn’t in his nature. “I’ve done it too and so has Bran, but there are always consequences. You know that. You’re not oblivious either.” Damien exhaled a puff of smoke in the air.
“But we can’t change the fucking past.”
Okay, that hadn’t been her point to make him seem as though he was blind to it. Although now that she realized how she’d said it well at this point she should just stop talking.
“No, I don’t think you’re oblivious. I think at that moment we were on two completely different wavelengths, though.” Alyssa wondered about Damien’s and Bran’s sister sometimes. What she’d think of this place. Of her brothers. If she’d be happy. But that was not the point of this conversation.
She didn’t expect him to forgive her right at this moment. A nod. “Thank you. I don’t expect you to forgive me tonight or even next week, but I did need you to understand.” Alyssa crossed her ankles and thought of what she wanted to say. “No, we can’t change it. And there are obvious consequences. My hope is to rebuild us so you trust me again, but I don’t know what that looks like going forward. And,” her eyes looked directly into Damien’s. “It’s hard to go against my nature, as I’m sure you find it difficult too at times.” The Netherling wasn’t blind to the things Damien did out of his love for her, like not retaliating against Kol and saving Ace. “That doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying because I love you and know that you and what we’ve built is worth continuing to try.”
It was a fair statement and Damien didn’t argue. He didn’t know how his sister would handle being in such an advanced reality. He didn’t know how she would feel about what her brothers had become. It would always remain a mystery unless Madison thought it fit to bring her here. As much as Damien wanted to see her again, there was a part of him that hoped she never came here. Never knew the man and the monster he’d become.
Damien exhaled a cloud of smoke into the air. “I don’t know what it looks like either. I don’t have that answer, Alyssa.” As she met his gaze, Damien slipped the cigarette between his lips again, inhaling another desperately needed hit of nicotine. There was understanding. It was a small victory even if everything else still felt unknown.
Another exhale and Damien turned away to stub out the cigarette in the ashtray. He would have to empty it soon. It was overflowing with ash and cigarette butts. He turned to face her again, meeting her gaze, and settling back against the pillows. “When it comes to controlling our natures, I don’t ask more of you than you do of me,” he replied. “We both understand why we have to exercise control. Perhaps that is the way in which we will succeed in this. Remembering why we keep that control in the first place.”
He tucked his hands behind his head. “But I’m not giving up either.”
She shifted in the chair, and gave up before she moved to the bed too, although she sat so she faced Damien, not quite certain how he’d feel if she touched him and not wanting to make things worse, no matter that she missed him at the moment. Alyssa nodded. “I didn’t expect you to have that answer, either, Damien.” The blonde took a moment and looked around their room, needing a moment to gather her thoughts. Alyssa looked at the ashtray, but didn’t say anything. While Alyssa took care of the housekeeping, mostly, she didn’t touch Damien’s cigarettes. If he wanted to smoke, he could dump out the ashtray.
“So, we’ll take it day by day and try our best.” She leaned over and pushed a stray strand of hair off of Damien’s face, before she returned to sitting straight on the edge of the bed. Alyssa hadn’t been touching him much since, given how angry he’d been, even while they’d continued sharing a bed. But didn’t every relationship require a little work? And this one didn’t involve a literal broken heart. “I promise that I will keep trying for you and for us.” The blonde didn’t apologize again. Damien knew how sorry she felt about the whole situation.
Perhaps a small part of her worried that he wouldn’t want to keep trying, because his last words caused her to release a breath she hadn’t realized she’d held. The idea of not having Damien in her life sounded pretty fucking terrible. “I am glad,” she responded with a small smile.
Damien watched as the blond came to take a seat beside him. However, she kept her distance, only closing that distance to sweep a piece of hair from his pale face. Damien refrained from reaching for her. He was still sorting through his own feelings. The conversation had been difficult, but it had been necessary. If they were going to survive this, they had to talk. They had to be honest with one another.
“Good.” Damien didn’t want her to apologize again. He already knew how sorry she was about everything. Eventually, he would forgive her. This conversation went a long way into making that happen.
To be fair, Damien had never found himself in this situation. He didn’t do long-term relationships. Normally, when things turned complicated, Damien would just walk away or compel the girl to never speak to him again. He’d never cared enough to keep trying. Alyssa should consider it a victory that she’d managed to get him to care about her more than nearly any other woman he’d ever known. To care enough to keep trying.
Her small smile prompted him to reach out and grab her hand. Gently, he tugged her down so that her head rested on his pale chest.
Of course Alyssa knew the fact that Damien would keep trying showed how much he loved and cared about his fairy girl. She recognized that generally Damien would have already walked away if not for the fact she’d managed to burrow herself into his heart.
All thoughts of being anywhere besides nestled next to Damien flew out of Alyssa’s head. While she didn’t say so, being here felt like a return home for her. “Je t’aime,” she commented as she placed a butterfly kiss over where his heart would beat, before settling next to him..