Who: Jonathon & Quentin What: post-drinking food & chats Where: local pancake house. When: backdated to after this Warnings: adult situations discussed, Q goes into detail about his history. Status: complete.
Quentin felt bad for backing out on going to the Beltane bonfire/orgy with Jonathon. He had agreed to go on a whim and then backed out after thinking about it. And after Eliot had to butt in and try to encourage him to spend time with the other magician. That had just felt so wrong to him that he just couldn't go after that. He knew it wouldn't make any sense to anyone but him, but at the time he didn't care. He just needed to back away and into his own head for a bit. Unfortunately, it had put a strain on the new friendship, and he felt like he owed the man an explanation. He wasn't sure how much he should tell him, but he'd figure that out as they went along.
Then Jonathon presented him with the perfect opportunity: Drinks at Lou's, with a handful of people he did not know. And Kady, who he knew he could count on to have his back if things went sideways while they were out. Sure it was in public, but there were fewer expectations so he'd met up with them at the bar. All in all, the drinking part had been fun. By the end of the night, he was feeling pretty good, and that had to count for something.
After the night wound down he got them an Uber to take them to the **insert 24-hour diner here**. Once they were there and seated in a corner booth he scanned the menu briefly then set it down. He knew more or less what he wanted before he got there, he just had to check in case something else jumped out at him. The waitress came, he ordered his coffee and food then waited for her to walk away again. "So...elephant in the room time. Or do you want food first?"
A small crowd had gathered at the bar to drink and Jonathon ended up having a good time. It was nice to meet some new people, be social and have some fun while relaxing. He needed to do it more often. It was finally sinking in that he was here forever or however long whatever brought him here decided he should leave, so he might as well make the best of it. He'd acquired at job, two actually and they were going well. Admittedly he did enjoy the one where he got to perform a bit more. He'd become convinced he'd never have a job doing that, but it wasn't like there was a demand for illusionist magicians in Madison Valley.
Once the night had come to an end and he was saying his goodbyes, Quentin asked if he wanted to go to for some food. They took an Uber and soon were seated in a small twenty four hour diner. He ordered a burger and some coffee then gave the waitress his menu. "I'm good with whichever works for you." Jonathon wasn't one to push even if he was curious what Quentin would say. He had made some connections and deductions on his own since meeting the other, but who knew if they were right. Still, he felt he needed some type of explanation after the whole Beltane thing. They hadn't spoken since then despite living in the same house. Quentin wasn’t sure which one would work best for him. He still hadn’t figured out what to say about that whole situation. Their coffee came and he was thankful for the extra time to think as he took a sip. “Honestly I’m not even sure where to start.” He sighed and looked at the cup in his hand. He had the feeling that this was so much more complicated in his head than it actually was. He was really good at doing that.
“I guess to start with I probably shouldn’t have even agreed to go to the bonfire with you in the first place. So I’m sorry for that.” He had apologised when he’d backed out, but it didn’t hurt to say it again. Face to face. He looked up again and shrugged. “It’s just not my kind of thing. And I’m not even talking about the ‘orgy’ that was supposed to happen.” He even did the air quotes when he said orgy. “It was just going to be too many people from the sound of it.” Though he knew that wasn’t even the main reason. He just didn’t know how to explain that one without going into details Eliot might not want to be made public. “And mostly it would be people I don’t know.”
Jonathon thanked the waitress when their coffee arrived then added some sugar and gave it stir. He looked up when Quentin began to talk. As he listened most of what was said he'd heard from Quentin before and a lot of it didn't make sense. "So you don't like crowds. Got it." Though it seemed the other man had no issue going to the Art and Music Festival that had crowds with people he didn't know.
He took a sip of coffee then fell silent for a few moments before he spoke again. "I get it's not your "thing" because everyone was making it about the orgy, but that wasn't the only thing going on there. It's also not why asked you if you wanted to go. What I'm getting at is if you knew it wasn't your thing then you should have said that first." He paused wanting to choose his words carefully. "But I don't think that's really what it was about. I don't expect you to tell or share anything you don't want to, but don't lie to me or make it out to be reasons that aren't true because you don't want to share with me the real reason(s). Be honest. Even it's to say you don't want to talk about why or whatever." Sure he didn't know Quentin as well his friends there, but some things were just obvious to him.
Quentin sighed softly when he was called out on his, admittedly not entirely untrue, bullshit. He was of course withholding some information, which was probably the most important bit of information. He just didn’t know how to bring it up. He hated talking about it, especially with how off things felt with Eliot. Maybe the man didn’t remember things the same way Quentin did. Or maybe he remembered them the same, and they just weren’t as important or life-altering as they had been for Quentin.
“Well, the fact that the orgy is pretty much all anyone was talking about in regards to the bonfire is part of what made me uncomfortable. But you’re right, that’s not all of it.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a coin to keep his hands busy while he thought. “It’s kinda complicated because of timey-wimey stuff. But it boils down to having my ex kinda push me toward you in what I'm sure he thought was an encouraging way, but it just felt…” He wasn’t sure how it felt other than wrong on so many levels, but a lot of that had to do with the fact that it seemed to him that he no longer meant anything to Eliot. An entire lifetime, a home, and a family meant nothing. He sighed and opened his now empty hands. “It just felt wrong.”
"It wasn't the only thing I was talking about," Jonathon pointed out. It made him feel like Quentin thought that was the only reason he asked him to go. He'd thought it was something they could do together and if either didn't like it then they would have left. It wasn't like he'd stayed all that long anyway. Try going somewhere that you truly don't know anyone else. It hadn't been fun in that respect, but he'd walked around for a bit and had a drink before leaving.
He nodded. It was obvious Quentin wasn't over his ex. He was about to speak when the waitress returned with their food. Once again he thanked her. "I see." He wasn't sure what else to say. "Maybe you need to tell your ex not to do things like that." And that really was all he had to say because he had no more information and Quentin didn't want to share more which was fine. He picked up his burger and took a bite followed by a sip of coffee.
“I know that.” Quentin knew that Jonathon hadn’t invited him to the bonfire for the orgy. He’d already admitted as much and he wasn’t going to try to explain himself again. Not that he really got the chance to once their food was brought out to the table. Pancakes were the best part of a night out drinking. OR pizza, but there just weren’t that many places in Indiana that had good pizza. He thanked her and asked for a refill on his coffee. He used way more syrup than was absolutely necessary and had a bite while she was refilling his cup. He turned to watch her walk away then turned back to him.
He shrugged at the suggestion. From an outside perspective, it sounded like a good option. Even from the inside, it sounded like a good option, but it didn’t really matter. Quentin knew he wouldn’t do it. “Maybe, but it’s not really an issue most of the time. Even living in the same house he hardly notices me. And when he does…” He thought a moment. “It’s because he needs something, or he’s pushing me toward someone else.” Or telling him how he got naked with another incarnation of someone else who had shown an interest in Quentin. “I just have to accept that the relationship meant more to me than it did to him, and move on.”
"That's like saying he only hits me once in a while so it's not really an issue." It was what most would consider comparing apples and oranges, but to Jonathon not so much. What Eliot was doing was upsetting and bothering Quentin and his overall behavior affected him as well. It needed to be addressed. "You can say Eliot's name." It was obvious to him before, but now it had been confirmed. "I kind of pieced together over time that's who your ex was."
Jonathon took a drink of his coffee then slowly shook his head. "You don't have to accept how he treats you. It bothers you more than you care to admit. I know I don't know the whole story, but I do know how you act when he's around the network and stuff. You act different." He wanted to say more, but he had a feeling what he'd already said wouldn't be taken that well. "I'm just saying you shouldn't give him so much power when it's obvious he doesn't seem to care much about you or have time for you."
Comparing it to abuse might be a bit of a stretch, he just didn’t see what Eliot did (or didn’t do) as abuse in any way. But Quentin could see the logic behind the statement so he just nodded. “I get what you’re saying, but I just don’t know how to bring it up. We aren’t usually around at the same times anyway.” Maybe he was just making excuses, but he wasn’t feeling up to trying to have that conversation with Eliot at the moment, or ever for that matter. He honestly didn’t even like thinking about him anymore if he could help it. He looked up for a moment at the mention of his name before looking down again. Being who he was, Quentin couldn’t even begin to keep the hurt from his eyes.
He ate a bit more and considered how much to share. “The whole story is, one of the quests landed us in Fillory, way in the past. And we spent over fifty years together there. We had a family and were more or less happy. Then, thanks to a time reset, we didn’t actually have to do the quest.” He laughed when he realised how absurd that sounded. “I know it sounds completely insane, but it’s the truth. And even though the timeline was changed so that we didn’t actually go back and have that life, for some reason, we remembered it. But technically it didn’t happen.” Though for the rest of his life, Quentin would believe that it happened. He would believe that his son and grandkids and even great-grandkids were out there somewhere.
He sighed and reached for his coffee. He hadn’t actually told anyone the story after telling Alice about it, not that he’d had a whole lot of time left after telling her. “And you’re right, it does bother me that he doesn’t seem to care. Though when I think about it, and I’m honest with myself about it, he’s always been distant like that so I shouldn’t be surprised. And most of the hurt is because of my own…” He want to say expectations, but that wasn’t quite the right word. “My own hope that he had changed his mind about giving us a proper chance.” He looked at his plate of mostly finished food then pushed it away and downed the last of his coffee. “At the end day, he’s not obligated to live up to whatever I want him to be. He can only be who he is. The problem I have is that I know he can be more and he doesn’t seem to want to.”
"You have to make time to talk to him. This is clearly important to you and it's hurting you." He almost felt like he was crossing some invisible line saying that, but it's what he saw. "I think you do know how to bring it up, but you've been avoiding and the longer you do that...the worse things get. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, it won't. It will hurt and there may be anger, yelling and cutting words, but if you don't deal with this, it's going to eat you up inside." He had a feeling in ways it already was.
Jonathon listened and took Quentin in as he spoke. He didn't know where or what Fillory was, but that didn't matter. It was plain to see that the place and time was special and close to his heart. "I don't think it sounds silly or insane at all. Happiness, love, a family and a lifetime together? I don't think there's much more one can truly hope for." Love did make the world spin around and there were many kinds of love. "I'm a magician, remember? I've seen things that most would think are insane or not possible. At the end of the day what matters is that it was and is real to you. Fuck what anyone else thinks."
"Of course it bothers you, you're still in love with him and he doesn't seem to care. Jonathon was being honest. It was always the best policy even if hurt. "No! Don't belittle your feelings like that. You're allowed to feel and think whatever you want." He blinked. The words had come firmer than he'd intended and he'd been drawn for a moment back to New York and Mark. "I'm sorry, Quentin. I didn't mean to sound so harsh." He cleared his throat and took a long sip of coffee. "Quentin, I say this because you seem like a nice guy and you deserve someone who treat with love, care and respect, but don't you think if he wanted to give you two a proper chance that he would have said something or given some indication of that by now?" He paused because there was so much to take in and unpack in this conversation. "You're right, he doesn't have to live up to your expectations or anyone's. Maybe like the rest of he's doing the best he can. You said you two haven't really talked since you got here, maybe there's more going on than you or anyone knows. However, he is your friend. I've seen him say so in places on the network." Eliot said as much when they met for coffee. "He's not acting like a friend though, and that would bother me a great deal if I was in your shoes." Though he wasn't friends with either of them back at Brakebills, he'd thought the two were close. "It's time to piss or get off the pot. Life is hard. You really don't deserve to be so unhappy all the time when you can talk to him and get things cleared up one way or another. I'm not trying to be mean, but I think talking to him and telling him how you feel would help you so much. Maybe things won't go the way you want or maybe they will, but you won't know or be able to move forward until you talk to him."
On the one hand, Quentin knew the man was right. If he wanted to get things between him and Eliot sorted out, he would have to force the issue. It was becoming plain to him that there was a disconnect between them and he had no idea how to mend it. Nor did he know if the other man even wanted to try. "I know...and you're right." But right or not, he wasn't sure he would actually do anything about it. And that was fully on him, for better or worse.
He smiled a little at the assertion that their time at the Mosaic was as real as anything else. It was the usual bittersweet smile that always came when he thought about those years. "Fifty years, give or take." He was glad someone else saw it that way, even if that person didn't know him. Or maybe it was especially because Jonathon didn't know him that made it even more important. That was something to think about another day. He reached into his bag and fished out his wallet then handed his card over to the waitress when she came back by with their check. Any protest was waved off with the assurance that this one was on him. He'd done the asking after all, he should do the paying.
The tone might have been harsh, but the words were true. There was no point denying that he was in love with Eliot. He had been for so long he couldn't honestly remember a time when he wasn't. But he'd always done his best to live his life knowing that it would always be a one sided love, until it wasn't. That was another reason their years together were so special to him. He had been loved, and he knew Eliot remembered it too. "I know he's been here a long time before I got here, and even before he got here it had been a long time since he'd seen me." Since I died being the unspoken part of that. "But for me, it's all still pretty fresh. Maybe a year or so since that quest, and most of that was..." He shook his head. "Was something I don't want to think about ever again." The months with the Nameless had been some of the worst in his life, and not just because of the blood and torture he'd both witnessed and been subjected to. "At least it was all worth it in the end. He lived. Julia lived, and the flow of the Wellspring was restored."
He continued to listen and gave a snorted laugh at the man's turn of phrase. He hadn't heard that one since is mother had used it on him. "The thing is, I'm not unhappy all the time. And I'm not sure he wants to have that conversation any more than I do, to be honest. He knows how I feel, and me telling him again would just make things even more awkward than they already are. I just need to get back to the place I was in when I knew I loved him, and it was okay that he didn't love me back." He looked up and smiled at the waitress when she brought his card and receipt back to him. He signed it, left a good tip then looked over at Jonathon. "It's just taking me longer to get there this time around."
There wasn't much more Jonathon could say. Quentin was stuck for lack of a better term. He didn't want to talk to Eliot and until he did there would be no resolution. It wasn't the love part in his opinion that needed to be discussed, it was being friends, a friendship, even a good friendship possibly. There wasn't a lot anyone could do about someone loving or not loving them. You can't make people love you. And in his opinion, as outsider who obviously didn't know everything, Eliot wasn't in love with Quentin and didn't want to be with him romantically. And that hurt no matter who you were. It was almost like the other man was holding out some kind of hope. Most couldn't blame him for that, but he himself couldn't see sitting around waiting for something that would most likely never happen. Especially when the other person was seeing other people.
"I guess you'll talk with him when the time is right for you." He smiled then finished off his coffee which had gone cold. "Thanks for paying. It's late, we should probably be heading home." He really did wish Quentin nothing but the best. He was seemed like a good guy with a big heart and deserved to be happy and fulfilled.
Quentin knew he would talk to Eliot when he was ready. He just wanted to be in the right head space for it. It would be much easier to get there if he didn’t know Eliot loved him. Or maybe he didn’t anymore. It had been a long time ago, in a different world. His friend had years of lived experiences taking him further away from that time and place. It was just still too fresh for Quentin to just walk away from the hope, though deep down, he knew it was just that: Hope.
He nodded and smiled at the man, a new friend? Maybe. And Eliot wasn’t wrong, Jonathon was attractive. “I did the asking, so I should do the paying. Sorry, I couldn’t find an all-night taco house. I did look.” He pulled out his phone and checked the wait time for an Uber home again. “Looks like we only have a five-minute wait for a ride home.” IT was just a bit too far to walk at this time of night, at least he thought it was. He put his phone away again and looked over at him. “We should do this again sometime.” Maybe without the soul-baring, or at least less painful soul-baring.